I really need some help and advice please. I’ve been married for 6 years now, no children unfortunately. Husband and I both work full time and live fairly close to the in laws. Ever since we got married we’ve been expected to be at the in laws house every evening for dinner and there every weekend. The only evening I get to myself once a week is when I go visit my parents. I’ve really struggled with how my husband puts his family before everything else and although we have a fairly strong relationship this is the one thing we constantly seen to argue over. I hate the fact that I spend all day at work, come home and get changed and go spend the evening at the in laws house. It hurts that we both are working hard to pay off our mortgage but we barely spend any time at home. I can’t believe that I’m in my thirties and I have to turn up at my in laws every day to be fed. My mother in law is sweet but she’s very involved with her children’s lives and although she doesn’t say anything she does seem passive aggressive in the way that she is so overbearing with her children. She can’t stand anyone else taking over her role, to the extent of not liking anyone else apart from her cooking. My in laws don’t like my food so it’s not even as though I can offer to cook there.
i don’t want to be the wicked bahu stealing away the precious son but I have an intense year in front of me (which will include IVF) and all I want is to get to a stage where I can spend time in my own home and have more of a balance.
I had to do this for a year when we first moved out. Then we reduced one day a week to make it only fridays. Now, with two kids it's hard even go once a month.
You can try asking your husband if you both can set aside either the weekend or maybe two other days from the week to spend at his parents' place. Do this without sounding defensive and let's see what he says. If he agrees, then great. Problem solved. If he doesn't agree, then proceed with the next options.
Option # 2: On days that you don't feel like going yo his parents', tell him gently that you're not going but encourage him to attend the dinner. The problem with with this option is that if you do it often enough, it may lead to more arguments between you and your husband. Also, if he frequently attends these dinners without you then his parents will wonder if something is wrong..and you don't need that drama. You can only go MIA for so long before it raises eyebrows.
Option # 3:
Talk to his mom. You can do this in husband's presence, that way he knows what was said. Tell her very gently that you love coming to her home and that you enjoy her dinners and appreciate the care and effort she puts into them.....and that you will continue to visit her.....but you may not be able to do it daily. This will lead her to ask you why. Then proceed to tell her that, "You come home from work really tired and sometimes you just feel like resting in your own home. And that sometimes you feel like taking care of the chores (laundry, cleaning etc)...and with the upcoming IVF treatment, you wanna be able to rest at home while also being able to take care of your own home as well." And let's see what she says. She may surprise you by suggesting that you take it easy and come 2-3 times a week as opposed to everyday. And when your husband hears it from his mom, hopefully he'll relax cuz he won't have to make assumptions about her feelings. Plus it may get your MIL to reflect upon her expectations. She may not have been aware that it was hard for you. But you won't know unless you bring it up.
Ive tried talking to my hubby about it but it always ends up with us fighting. He's close to his parents and his grandparents (who also live there) and he once told me that he feels like he is caught in the middle and can't make either his family or me happy. He loves to be surrounded by people and loves the hustle and bustle of his parental home whereas I'm the complete opposite and crave time at home.
I raised it again with him this weekend and he basically said that if I can't accept things the way they are then we need to reconsider our relationship (!) I think that's his way of telling me to back off...
The middle daughter in law lives next door to them and the other daughter in law of the family also lives in the same house (although they are moving out in the next few months) so I don't feel like I can just stop turning up when they see me every day. In the past we tried having one day a week at home (but then something would always come up and my husband would be needed at home), I've tried cooking at home and taking it there (no one would touch my food and it would get thrown away), I've tried cooking and eating at home (when we got there both mother and father in law would be in a huff and mother in law would try and feed my husband again). My father in law has made comments in the past about how important it is for the family to stick together but I feel like there's a limit to when sticking together for the good of the family suddenly becomes suffocating and damaging...
he once told me that he feels like he is caught in the middle and can't make either his family or me happy.
I raised it again with him this weekend and he basically said that if I can't accept things the way they are then we need to reconsider our relationship (!) I think that's his way of telling me to back off...
You should have told him that you 're not asking him to choose between his parents and you and that there IS a way to make both parties happy.......and the way to do it is to set aside a number of days that you both spend at your own home and set aside time designated for in-laws. Give your husband your own example as well. Tell him that, "Look at me, my parents don't live nearby and I don't get to see them every day."
When he said that "we need to reconsider our relationship," did you ask him what exactly he meant by that? Does it mean that he'd leave you? What does it mean? And what did you say you to that...if anything at all? You should have told him that, "You're setting an ultimatum that I better go to your parents' home every day otherwise our relationship is in jeopardy. But you don't seem to realize that our marriage is already strained even though we go to your parents' home every single day. Setting an ultimatum like that is immature; it's emotionally manipulative. It reads as my way or the high way. I am not stopping you from seeing your parents, I am only asking that the two of us spend some time alone, with each other, a few times during the week as well. As a wife, I have my Islamic rights over you as do your parents. When you fulfill your parents' wishes at the expense of your wife's rights, then an imbalance will occur in the marriage and it already has. You are imposing upon me to see them every day when I have not said that I never want to spend time with them. All I want is for us to have a few days (not the entire week) ..to ourselves and rather than work with me to form a schedule, you gave me an ultimatum and that's really hurtful." You should have called him out on the "we need to reconsider our relationship" comment.
When he said that "we need to reconsider our relationship," did you ask him what exactly he meant by that? Does it mean that he'd leave you? What does it mean? And what did you say you to that...if anything at all?.
firstly thanks to all for their advice. Tempe5t, by that comment he meant that if I wasn't willing to stick with the status quo then we need to look at if we stay together long term. We had this discussion whilst I was driving so I tried to tell him he was being over dramatic. I responded by calling him out on his melodramatic behaviour and that I wasnt questioning his commitment to his family but trying to create time for both of us as a couple in our own right. He got into a mood and didn't want to discuss it further so I just left it. He did apologise to me later on that day and said he didn't mean to act like that and acknowledged himself that he shouldn't have said what he said.
His grandfathers health has been steadily declining over the last few years and I think that also doesn't help matters because he feels guilt when he isn't there at the family home. I still don't think that excuses things though.
I'm willing to let all of the hurtful comments go but just trying to work out the best way forward.
Which is your goal here? To stay away from in laws or to create quality time for you as a couple? You need to change the convo from "I would rather stay home alone than eat dinner with my in-laws" to "I would like to spend more time building our relationship by setting a weekly movie date or trips to xyz." It shifts the focus from dislike of inlaws to your love for husband.
Which is your goal here? To stay away from in laws or to create quality time for you as a couple? You need to change the convo from "I would rather stay home alone than eat dinner with my in-laws" to "I would like to spend more time building our relationship by setting a weekly movie date or trips to xyz." It shifts the focus from dislike of inlaws to your love for husband.
Then he may want to invite them along to all plans. My hubby used to do this.
Then he may want to invite them along to all plans. My hubby used to do this.
My goal is to make my house a home rather than somewhere I just sleep at night. I don't want to spend time away from the in laws for the sake of it (although I went through a phase of resenting them and their company but rationally speaking they're nice people). I just feel like seeing them every day is too much but my husband sees it as normal because it's what we've done for so many years. He once made the comment that when we have kids we can spend more time in our own house but right now I don't think that's ever going to happen.
In the past we used to have a weekly night out but more recently he always ends up inviting everyone and it becomes a family night out.
eastern11, my hubby wouldn't be willing to go there alone and for me to stay at home because he thinks it would look bad (as in he's turned up to eat but I haven't come with him). I usually end up making roti for everyone in the evening as mother in law cooks.
At the moment my own house chores have to be done at the weekend but then I end up spending my weekend cleaning/washing which frustrates me.
If you want your hubby to have a life outside of his family, then you are going to have to show him the life outside of his family. The change needs to be gradual to avoid the withdrawal symptons. Try finding couple friends with similar interests.
This a difficult situation since I see that your husband is being stubborn n not willing to compromise in the slightest since there have been a lot of suggestions. I would be very suffocated by the whole thing n why have a home if your only just sleeping in it and not actually LIVING there? I'm surprised you were allowed to move out in the first place.
I don't understand why he can't go on his? Say you have to do house work. I would hate to have to spend my weekends doing chores after being at work all week, you need time to relax.
Your husband should be spending time with you n i would try n get him to give you at least one day a week.
I don't think I would speak to MIL as your husband is not on your side so it could make the situation worse, but if you have a good relationship with her then maybe it's worth a try, but until your husband understands where you r coming from, I would hold off. You need to show him you understand that you understand where he is coming from n r on the same side as him as opposed to him.
I understand family is important but not at the expense of the relationship with your wife. Sometimes I think men like this should not get married.
Start cooking at your home, feed your husband as soon as he comes home. If your husband likes your cooking better, he will reduce the visits himself. FYI, all mothers want to feed their kids so your PILs aren't doing anything unusual. If I were you, I would too tell my husband that YES, I am reconsidering this relationship because it doesn't matter what I want. You are in your thirtees, please don't put your life on hold for others.
Often times, we don't know what we're missing until we actually have it.
If I were you, I'd approach it differently. Your husband spends all of his free time with his family, has not allowed himself to be too independent yet so he has no idea what its like.
I'd call in sick to the in-laws. I'd make up some random excuse and you have a great one coming up too: IVF. Just say that I am really not feeling well and just need some time at home with you. Be a drama queen if you need to. Show him what a relaxing time at home means and looks like. I'd say when you moved out...that was the time to set the stage so this doesn't happen. But its not too late. I am sure you've already tried talking to him about it...six years together so I am sure this has to have come up. Right now, you need to play your MIL's game lady.
Start out with not going over one day out of the week, then up it to two, then three and eventually cut it down to one or two.
Once you have kids, it'll die down eventually anyway Inshallah but you will have to set the stage. Do not go running over to your in-laws as soon as you have a baby. Slow down, set a schedule and tell your husband that its just not possible to be everywhere all the time now. You're in pain, you can't walk around, you can't do this and you can't do that. Make your home a priority first so he can follow suit.
Does Your husband never see any friends during weekdays? dont you ever invite friends over at your place? or go to the gym or do anything that is relaxing?
If not, I would say its time to start inviting a friend over during weekdays and just tell Your husband that Your friend wanted to see you and it didnt suit any other day so she is coming that (week)day.
Since you will be having IVF you cant really join hte gym now but you could start educating your husband and send him links to articles about IVF in general and later about how important it is for the woman to be relaxed before and after an IVF treatment.
I am sure your in laws want to see a baby soon so just use this IVF/baby card to your benefit. I can assure you there is no time to relax after the baby comes and now is the time to set the stage for a life With the baby. otherwise the in laws will just expect you to come over With the baby every day whcih will be exhasuting for you.
I don’t know if this is right but may have soem truth in it but to concieve sometimes, females need to be in less stress situation and the whole day to day visits to your inlaws is not helping. Maybe tell your husband, you need to slow down and just come home and rest instead of going out again. When your body will adjust to the new peace then maybe you can concieve natualy. Pls read this and let your husband read this:
I am a strong believer that you need to be stress free and relaxed in order to improve chances of conceiving. I know of many people who hadn’t been able to get pregnant and going on holiday then conceiving.