Help Me (cont'd from HF)

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Rida, is it possible for you to get a job? I don't know what your educational qualifications are but talk to your husband about the possibility of you getting a job. That way.......you can earn AND save money for a separate home with your husband. Plus........getting a job will allow you several hours of peace away from your in-laws. Talk to your husband about this. Some sort of compromise has to be reached.....otherwise you will be stuck in the rona-dhona zulm ka cycle forever.

Timepass - November 2013
22

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

^ I think she said before that she used to work but found it difficult to manage both home and work. But I agree with you that it's something to try again.

Rida, when you want to go out with your husband, I don't understand how your inlaws can stop you if your husband wants you to come along and he does not side with them. This doesn't make any sense. The only thing that gives them power and influence is your obedience.

Timepass - November 2013
23

^Sahar, I missed the part about her working previously. Thanks for clarifying :) I agree with you that if things have become so dysfunctional at home.....working for even a few hours (part-time job) will not only provide money that can be used toward a separate home...but will also provide temporary peace of mind.

At least Rida's husband is verbally/emotionally supportive of her. There are many stories in the Life forum of women married to men who think their mothers/sisters can do no wrong and don't support their wives at all during conflicts with in-laws. The problem with Rida's husband is that he's not strong. And I know this may sound mean......but when I read Rida's post, I felt more turned off/disgusted with her husband than with her in-laws. He cries when Rida seeks refuge in her father's home because he "misses" her.....but he doesn't realize that if she were to stay at his home, she'll be abused. It's a LOSE LOSE situation. It's like her husband can't make an aggressive effort to protect her when she's living with him........and then he can't bear it if she moves in with her father. They guy needs to develop a backbone.

Some sort of compromise has to be reached. We don't know the in-laws' side of the story. Hopefully Rida is not instigating or fueling arguments with her in-laws. If she's the innocent victim here.......her husband needs to understand that not standing up to his parents in this regard is not earning him reward points with Allah. Rather.....he could even be committing a gunnah by not making an active effort to stop his parents or protecting his life. If he's maintaining a fairly passive role in the zulm of his wife.......it makes him guilty as well. When you see something wrong happening.....you try to stop it.....even if it's your parents.

1) He can allow his wife to temporarily live with her father while also holding a job. This adjustment will be for her protection since in-laws beat her up. So she'll earn and save money in her father's home. And he'll save money and then they both can move to a separate home.

2) If he doesn't want his wife to live with her father.......he can try to move to a separate but cheaper accomodation that's close to his parents....if he can't bear to be far from them.

3) If he can't do either of the above.......he needs to be more agressive. I believe the reason why his mom and sister walk all over him is because they can sense that their son/brother is weak and will burst into tears but will never have the guts to move out. Maybe his family knows that he is weak and can be easily manipulated by emotional blackmail and angry verbal threats. If he starts showing them that he is not to be taken advantage of........they'll have more respect for him and they'll know to think twice before messing with him. He can tell his stupid sister/mom.........."The next time you lay a finger on my wife, I won't hesitate to bring the imam to counsel you on acting like a civilized human being. Unless you yourself would enjoy being beaten up by your in-laws......have some fear of God and learn to have respect for my wife because she's a woman just like you. If the imam will not work, I'll call the police to witness your tamasha before I take my wife and move out of her."

24

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

Honey, reading your post and your use of the words bloody and dam, you sound a bit illiterate yourself.

25

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

Move out and go live with your father. If your Husband loves you as much as you love him, he will try to do whatever it takes to have you back with him.

If he does nothing and obeys his Mother and Sisters, then he is a spineless fool and does not deserve your love!!

P.S: AliyahAli, that comment was not very helpful to the OP.. Not being rude/offensive, but if you don't have anything supportive/positive to say then please refrain from saying anything..

26

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

kinda off topic .....but it's really very annoying when ppl say this kind of crap about how they'll die without the person...so melodramatic

27

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

People can die of a broken heart..

28

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

^ Only if they choose to and have come to believe that their life is entirely dependent on another. It should never get that way.

Timepass-December 2013
29

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

No one dies without anyone.

30

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

Deeba1234 is right. People can die from a "broken heart." Maybe it is not common. Maybe it doesn't happen very often. Maybe....because from a young age.....human beings experience all kinds of "moving on" and "rejection" experiences" that most of them have developed a tougher skin when coping with life's tragedies. BUT........it **IS **still possible to die from a broken heart. It's not an instant death....where one just drops dead because a loved one has left them. Rather.......the intense depression that results from the loss of loved one can produce very high levels of stress....which can lead to high blood pressure, eating disorders (not eating at all), and heart attacks.

One of my mom's distant relatives had passed away. And during the funeral......the guy's sister had a heart attack (from the stress) and died. It is even advised that people be careful when conveying stressful news to those who have a "weak heart."

One thing I've noticed is that many people don't know how to convey tragic news carefully. I've seen people call up their loved ones who are driving on the road to say that a relative has passed away. Or I've seen people convey such news when the other person has just woken up and is not even completely mentally awake yet. I know this may sound a bit off-topic but i've always thought it's better to deliver tragic news when the other person is sitting down......not standing (or they might faint)......not driving, etc. A glass of water if available can be a bit calming. The emotional pain can't be prevented.....but at least precautions can be taken when being the bearer of bad news. Granted that everyone will die when Allah has destined them to......but I don't think there's anything wrong with being tactful.

~3 daant~
~3 daant~
31

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

start working again and leave when ur husband leaves so that you're not alone with ur in-laws and ask for his help with housework
and move out ASAP

32

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

I would do what your inlaws are doing right back.

33

Two wrongs don't make a right.. Why should she stoop down to their dispicable level. She's a better human being than them and she should refrain from "feeding the trolls" with vitriol as it would only make them up the ante and the abuse would get worse..

OP, where are you from? Are there any support groups in your area?

34

The best way is to treat the people in the same manner which they behave with you but as you have told that you are cowardly lady and I think your husband is depended on his father and coward too.

So, there are many options to tackle but tell me how much qualification you have ? In which country / area you live ?

But telling you honestly your husband took some steps else one day you'll be killed by those harsh ladies ..... Don't you have any kids ????

35

If I say a single rude word my inlaws come to hit me and 2-3 times they hit me
and I am totally help less and the worst part is their worst behaive with me they insult me infront of guests and tell them how bad I am and these types of many things my hubby is requesting me again and again that I must wait till 2-3 months more ND IFFFFFF things dont turn better we will leave the house

Timepass-December 2013
36

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

^ after all this..hez still expecting things to get any better?

i suggest..go n live wid ur dad..till he manages to find another place for u to live in peace.

37

kya honay wala hai aglay 2-3 mahinoun mein jo pichlay 4 saal say nahi hua? or was it 1.5 years to your marriage? ... anyways ... what is he waiting for? is he doing something? kis cheez ka wait ker raha hai? taweez waghera to nahi karwa raha?

38

Re: Help Me (cont'd from HF)

It will keep happening until you fight back. Establish your ground and fight back.

39

Agree! The guy's family walks all over him most likely because they can see he's weak. Otherwise.......I've seen parents back off when their sons develop a backbone and take some action.

I feel DISGUSTED that the guy's sister believes she can beat up her bhabi. WTH? What is she? A pehlwan? That's crossing the line. And at this point.....it would require miraculous self-control for me...NOT to b*tch-slap the heifer.

Guess next poster
40

So my thought was right your husband is depended on his father and coward too. What you think in 2 or 3 months your in-laws behavior will change. My sister this happened only in eastern movies. So try to get rid of this harsh family else you will lost your mind and will be sent to mental hospital and your husband will just cry and cry and one day will forget about you.

THIS IS A BITTER TRUTH

~When Oppertunity Knocks, use it~