Help an ABCD please

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi everyone.

I finally made an account on gupshup but I’ve reading the forum for a while. I’m hoping some of you can help me out with my problem.

I was born and raised in the states and my parents are very strict. Sometimes I feel like they are too strict. I never got to go to any birthday parties that my school friends had, I was(and still am) never allowed to go to the houses of my school friends, I can never talk to boys. etc. I try my best to comply with these rules because even though my parents are very strict( way more strict than any of my other Pakistani friends’ parents) they are very loving and I know they do what they think is best for me. Sometimes I feel bitter though because I feel like I missed out on a huge part of my youth. I am 18 now and I don’t have very fond childhood memories I can look back. I feel like I missed out on everything. I can’t have a facebook, I can’t to prom, I never went to any parties even if they were only for girls. I can sometimes have my school friends over but that doesn’t happen very often. I am allowed to go out with my desi friends and go over their houses though but I’m not that close to many desi girls my own age.

Also, I am an only child and I always felt really lonely and isolated growing up. When I got into my early teens I decided to rely on my mom for friendship. She and I are pretty close. We go shopping and watch movies together. I wish I had more friends my age though. For my American friends its hard to understand why I can’t go the movies with them or come over their houses. My parents made one big concession though. I was accepted to a really great Liberal Arts College an hour away from my house and they are letting me live on campus which I never thought would happen.

I did something really stupid though and I feel like I have shattered my mom’s trust forever(my dad doesnt know about what happened). I went to the mall with my desi friend once and I bought a short skirt that I knew my mom wouldn’t approve of. I don’t know why I did it, I guess it was Shaytaan telling me to do it. I wanted to finally wear it yesterday so I put it in my school bag so I could change into it when I got to school but my mom found it. I swear I was planning on wearing it with leggings and I know that doesn’t make it any better. I just wanted to do something crazy for once. Basically after she found it, all hell broke loose. She yelled at me so much(which I totally deserve) but she’s saying some pretty scary things. She said that she’s going to think about getting me married off in the next year or so and I can figure out on my own how to finish my education. Whose going to marry a high school graduate? She said we should just move back to Pakistan because I can’t handle all the freedom they’ve given me here. She said she didn’t know how she was going to trust me to live on my own at college and that I’ve totally shattered her trust. I know she said a lot of this out of anger and I deserved it. I just feel so awful and I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this. My American friends don’t understand because their lives are so different and I don’t want to tell my Desi friends becuase I’m afriad they might say something to their parents and that would ruin my reputation in the community.

I love my parents but I wish that they cared about my happiness more than they cared about my reputaion in the community.

Any thoughts?

P.S. sorry for such a long post

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Re: Help an ABCD please

addi. tuwhan kay sindhi zaban boli aahi?

chokree, you did mistake and it seems hard to regain trust in the eyes of your mom.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

If the skirt thing only happened yesterday I would just try and relax and see what happens.. Hopefully your mum will calm down in a few days.. Loadss of desi parents overreact like this and then it all blows over..

About the things you feel you're missing out on do you have any sympathetic auntie who can have a word with your parents and explain to them in as nice a way as possible that could they not compromise or give you some leeway (esp as ur going away to college and need to get used to doing things on your own, spending time away from home etc.).. Also do you drive?

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Re: Help an ABCD please

:hinna: that was my childhood sista.

let it blow over and this is very very very very important: BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR. Don’t argue or fight with them about anything, don’t sulk, do all the chores, go above and beyond, have a good attitude. You’re 18 so you must be graduating soon and (hopefully) your parents are still letting you live on campus.

All the stuff she said, don’t worry about it…99% of the time they don’t mean it.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

Yes and pray that shes not among the remaining 1% :stuck_out_tongue:

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Re: Help an ABCD please

Give your mum time to process and then talk to her, eventually she'll understand, especially if you have such a great relationship with her.

As hard as it is to talk to Asian parents you have to have it with them, I know lots of Asian girls who aren't allowed out and then to rebel make mistakes which only make their parents stricter and mistakes they regret for the rest of their lives. You have to make sure your parents know that you won't do anything, ever, to break their trust (this takes time) and that if they keep you on lock down all the time it just makes you want to rebel that much more.

Also try making some Asian friends, they can be the worst people on the planet but for some odd reason your parents will be happier knowing you're out with them and not 'goray' , in time you can do that to. They sound like empty threats to me so don't worry too much, and next time don't hide things, it'll make your parents doubt what else it is you're hiding!

Good luck :)

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Re: Help an ABCD please

Don't worry about that part, your green card will get you married off without a highschool diploma. Your still 18, once you're a little bit older (maybe 20+) your parents may loosen up and allow you more freedom, this little skirt incident isn't a big deal. Your a teenager, and i'm sure this isn't something your mum is going hold against you forever. She said those things out of anger and to scare you, not to mean you should handle the situation lightly because you shouldn't. Just stay put for awhile, don't ask to go places and do things they don't wish for you to do and eventually things will settle down.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

You were right it was the shytaan , i just wanna say one thing do ever ever ever let your mOms trust down cos if she leaves you, you'll be doomed. You are a teen you wear skirts and bikinis when you are older and more mature to understand what you are doin.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

awwww

The best for you is to not to do any thing like this again. just remain calm. she says something to you dont argue. it could be that whatever she said was because she wanted to scare you so that you wont do it again. just show your best behaviour to her. she is your mom soon she will forget about whatever happened.

if you still feel that because of this skirt issue she isnot talkign to you are is distant to you then just speak to her calmly and explain her that you had no bad intentions behind this at all and that you wouldnot do it again. sometimes things resolve quickly and easily when one explains them clearly and calmly.

as for the friends. look out for asian girls in your campus. try to be friends with them.

come to gs more and we can all be your friends

good luck

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Re: Help an ABCD please

^^^^what she said…been there…done that …BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR is the key…apologize once and promise it will never happen again…and after that…be on the BEST of YOUR BESTEST BEHAVIOR

it’ll be fyne…like I said,.,been there and done that…i think if i remember correctly it took my mother between 2 weeks - a month to get back to normal…and while it wasnt a serious breach of trust (much like your skirt thing) it was a breach nonetheless and so even after the time period she wasnt completely normal with me…just 90% there and gradually everything went back to normal

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Re: Help an ABCD please

Sounds like my childhood...:)

You're an only child sindhi...your parents are learning how to deal with this as are you.

It was an immature thing to do...you know that. Your parents will be upset, yell at you and threaten to take away all rights because they just got a scare. Their child might go the wrong way...you are their entire life...what will they do then? Its a scary thing for a parent to see their kid do something wrong. In time, they will realize that kids do these things...its called growing up and they will never be able to control every single aspect of your life. They have to rely on the tools they give you.

What you need to do is let things cool down for a bit, have a calm chat with your mom and apologize. After that...dont put another toe out of line.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

lets face it, you can be all unquestioningly obedient from now on and live the life they pick out for you, or you can be a grown up who has the ability to find out what is good or bad for yourself. you are 18. in a few years you will have your own family. whose life will you live then?

i am not saying you have to go crazy wild, but you should be able to tell what is right and what is wrong without needing your mom and dad to babysit you. and they'll have to learn to let you grow. if you feel they are being unfair, don't just cow in and marry some manhoos. talk, argue, shout, hug whatever.

as for friends your age - definitely. everyone needs peers to be balanced well-adjusted individual. your mom can be a great friend, but she'll never be able to replace friends your age, just like peers can never replace your mom.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

^ you shouldnt get rebellious. ride out the storm. apologise for where you are wrong, but please do try to make friends your own age. You need those.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

buy a new skirt, dont bring it home and give that to your school friend. tell him/her to bring it to school next day for you and your mom will never catch it...........problem solved :p

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Re: Help an ABCD please

You made a mistake girl but you seem to be a good daughter and you know that your parents want the best for you. You need to consider that raising a child in a Western environment is one the nightmares for desi parents and all you can do this support them in this as parents are responsible for the upbringing of their children which is especially difficult in the Western world. You can apologize to your mom and tell her that it was a big mistake on your part and you will definitely try to comply to all the rules. I hope she will understand you. Parents can forgive their childrens mistakes but we also need to take care we don't hurt them. If you ever think any of their rules are unreasonable, you can discuss with them and work out some middle way. For example, you can ask her whether you can wear short skirts with tights/ leggings as you planned to wear. Your mom will understand that you are willing to come up with a middle way without compromising on their rules and still fulfilling your desires.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

..or if she does say you bought it as a gift for a friend..

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Re: Help an ABCD please

the problem is not the skirt thing and the mum yelling part, it's how your parents control your life, it's scary, and that's why you seem like a frightened kid so this is what you need to deal with

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Re: Help an ABCD please

Yes but as long as she is living under their roof then she has to respect their rules.

OP, personally I feel that your parents are too strict but that's how they are choosing to raise you. Just be calm for the next few days, and talk to them about compromise in the future.

And don't put the blame on "shaytan". It was a teenager pushing the boundaries, and probably being influenced by her culture and friends. Your parents may not like to hear this but your friends and peers at school are probably more influential on you at this point in your life than your parents are. Just trust that this phase will pass, you will stop caring what other kids think.

Please keep this in mind, you can hang out at a party or with all kinds of people and if your PERSONAL morals are strong then you have nothing to worry about. Don't feel guilty for wanting to hang out with friends, who may occasionally drink, just know that if they are good friends they will never pressure you. I was a jock in high school, my friends used to drink and smoke weed yet they never pressured me because they knew I didn't do that stuff. Don't blame "shaytan" or whatever, take responsibility for your actions. If you feel like you made a mistake then own up to it, and think about why you felt the need to do that.

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Re: Help an ABCD please

yeah.. why didn't you just make up a lie ? you're 18, you need to grow up and speak your mind or you'll never get a personality of your own and people will laugh at you, trust me i know so many desi girls who grew up just like you so this is a friendly advice, your parents gave you good education and values, good for you, now you need to handle your life on your own and they need to let you breath.
you can reply to your parents without being rude, just work on it and be strong girl

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Re: Help an ABCD please

dang you screwed up