Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married…
No, we are not giving her the suggestion for break up. We are just helping her to know the true intentions of the guy. And if she concludes that the guy DOES NOT have any intentions to marry her and DOES NOT see any future with her, only then she should leave him.
She is being so cooperative in understading the problems of the guy. All she wants in return is some commitment. Is that wrong? Why would she wait for him for 2 or 4 years? What if he changes his mind then? What if his parents want him to marry someone else and he is unable to make them agree for his choice? What if his sister is not married in the suggested timeframe? There are so many ifs and buts, so the guy should get commited if he is serious.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
Ask him if he's willing ti get engaged/nikkah'ed?
p.s. .... and oh please will talk regardless.. even without a reason so don't bother with them. They'll talk if you get married early they'll talk if you get married late, they'll talk if you get married. period!
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
I told him several times that if he doesn't want to talk about it now, it just means that he doesnt want to commit and he doesn't really want to marry me, but he kept saying that he does and that he loves me. you're right, he takes me for granted so i'm just gonna give him time and space and not even talk to him, if he cares then he'll come after me.
Commitment is essential. If you feel that even there is the slightest hint of non-commit-tense, then go with the gut feeling. I know the idea of leaving someone is hard, especially after all the good times and the feelings you have, but if a guy is hesitant now, he will always remain hesitant. You can't be a second thought, and you can't be taken for granted ever. If things are going to be this way before living together as husband and wife, then afterwards it would take a lot of work and effort which two people can't possibly have, to make a relationship work.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
The guy should be willing to understand your situation and compromise with you.
If he cant do everything right now, he should have the guts to do something. Reason being, its hard for a girl to be in a relationship with a guy for a longggg time and expect her parents to never put any pressure on her to marry. Its unreasonable of him to think you should just wait with no commitment from his side.
Unreasonable and also unfair.
If he can at least get engaged or nikkah-fied soon, that should be enough for you to give him the space he needs to take care of his responsibilities.
However, if he cant do that for you..................then I wouldnt blame you for not wanting to be with him.
Love is all fine and dandy but you have to be fair and practical about life too.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
I know someone who was in a similar situation. Good for you that your husband to be was at least honest with you from the beginning. In the situation I know the guy just kept delaying any formal committment because his parents were not on board and he knew it would take years to try to convince them but instead of being up front with the girl and telling her how long it would take he just kept delaying things so he wouldn't lose her.
After 5-6 years he got engaged to her against his parents wishes (because the girl had had it) but then told her he would not marry until his parents approved! Imagine the girl's situation. She was 30 when this happened.
Either the guy has the guts or he doesn't. You can't protect some ppl rights at the cost of hurting other ppl.
I agree with the posters that said by doing the nikah you can see his intentions but I also think that if he hesistant about marriage then you need to explore that further because even after nikaah he could drag this on if HE is not ready for ruksati. If 2 ppl are not on the same page then even if there is a formal committment the relationship would suffer because ultimately one wants things one way and the other doesn't.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
It is worse for a nikkah to get dragged out without ruksati than for an engagement to be dragged out.
Why do you want to get married? Is it because you are ready to live as husband and wife, create a new home, have children, live and travel together? Will these things be allowed if you have a nikkah without ruksati? Will you really get what you want out of it? Or will you be in a weird undefined space, married technically and religiously, but lacking the cultural approval and support of the families? Really think about it before you choose that as a way to get your man to commit.
Like I said before, I don't doubt his feelings for you. But his hesitation to marry is a concern. His reasons seem valid BUT your getting married (ruksati and all) need not stop him from fulfilling his other obligations. You guys need to really talk this through.
You say now that he's agreed to getting married in two years, which is also what you want. That's great. Has there been an announcement/baat pakki/engagement of any sort? Did he "put a ring on it"?
How does his family feel about your marriage? Do they also feel it should be delayed?
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
ok all the questions you're raising, i have no answer to them, because we're not at that stage, i feel like you guys are forgetting the original issue but that's ok
there's no problems with his parent, or mine.
he wants to marry me and he loves me
so there's no way i'm gonna leave him or anything like that because relationships are not easy but it doesn't mean they can't work, it's already hard to find a perfect match for you, no one can deny that, we can't just end relationships on little issues and one cannot have the enough knowledge of a situation or even experience themselves, to tell someone that hey should leave their partner.
anyway back to the subject, he originally wanted us to get married in 2 years but i guess he changed his mind because he's unsure of his financial situation in 2 years and he doesn't want my parents to reject him, i reassured him that this would never happen, now we're back on getting married in 2 years
now the problem is that he's under pressure, because of work, debts to pay etc, and he freaks out when i talk about our wedding.
trust me, i would never put more pressure on him knowing that he's already stressed, but my family wants to make things official so i need to find a way to calm him down and present things in a way that he will listen to me until the end.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
by the way, i agree that nikkah is not necessary, nikkah is marriage, and i want it to happen on my wedding day, i know people do it otherwise a lot of the times but i just think it's a weird situation
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
Sahar02 raised some really good points re: they "why's" of getting married.
It may be a good idea to go over in detail all the things he wants to do b4 he marries as some things he wants have a finite timeline (like his debt and going to uni) but others like getting his sister married have so many variable factors involved. How old is his sister? Is she is the position of getting married now or will that take some time. Is it a must that she be married off or do he just want her to be engaged or something...
I agree that he is only 22 so that's pretty young and you getting married at 26 (if he agrees in 2 years) is not old by any standard BUT that's if things go according to plan. Are you prepared to wait longer if that's what it takes? The longer you are in a relationship the harder it may be to leave if it comes to that...
maybe find a less stressful time to talk things through - Im sure you guys can agree on something!
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
^ Actually Nikah is better than engagement in my honest opinion, it secures the relationship, and gives you the same advantages of a married couple you are free to meet up and do whatever you like. Nikah holds more value to me than engagement.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
^ Actually Nikah is better than engagement in my honest opinion, it secures the relationship, and gives you the same advantages of a married couple you are free to meet up and do whatever you like. Nikah holds more value to me than engagement.
Of course the Nikkah is more valuable than the engagement. The nikkah doesn't just "give you the same advantages of a married couple" -- you are MARRIED after the nikkah. Having a nikkah is not "like" being married -- it IS being married.
Re: He wants me to wait too long before we get married...
It seems like he has a lot going on right now, get engaged or better yet, even nikkahed for right now and see how things work out for him. 4 years is a long way off, things might settle down for him and he might even feel ready to get married before that. Also assure him that you would be able to help out and take care of yourself if you get married now, otherwise you're willing to wait until he is ready for it. You're right, if you find that right person in your life, its well worth the wait as long as his intentions for you are right. Engagement or a nikkah is definitely a good idea for right now though.
Edit: when I say 'married' I mean doing the actual rukhsati and moving over to his place.
