The other thread about a guy in a commited relationship going cross country to visit a female friend in need got me thinking. How do you guys/girls handle friends of opposite gender after being in a committed relationship and/or married? What if your bf/gf has many friends of opposite sex? There are always exceptions but feel like most guys and girls can’t truly be platonic friends–one or the other often ends up liking the other person. Most often it’s the boyfriend who has issues with the girl being friends with other guys.
And considering lot of people these days don’t understand the concept that once committed can’t act single and there needs to be some adjustment combined with the fact that it’s just so easy to communicate and be social these days using technology (cell phones/internet).. how has all this impacted relationships especially for the upcoming generation? Research has shown that social media use (Facebook) has been correlated with issues in marriage and ultimately cheating or divorce. And I bet this is partly due to interaction with friends of the opposite sex while being committed. There needs to be boundaries set but how do you have this discussion with your gf/bf without coming off as controlling?
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
I personally don’t have very many male friends. The ones that are there are all work guys (married, single etc) but none that i give the liberty to interact so frankly with me. I’ve kept it like this my whole life because a) i don’t like the idea of people forming ideas about me that i wouldnt like formed b) my idea of friends is very different from most people. The only true friendship i have is with my bro and sis. Other people that i meet are just classified as acquaintances in my opinion because i never let the friendship get that far.
Hence, in regards to your thread, no, i wouldn’t appreciate my future husband going cross country to help another female only because i would never do the same. If she needs monetary help or anything of the sort, i wouldn’t mind at all, he can send money and goods to help her out.
On the other hand, i understand not everyone has lived a life like mine. Many people now form close friendships with the opposite sex and keep it strictly platonic so i’m not one to judge their lifestyle. Hence, if my future husband did have female friends who were close to him (in terms of friendship), i would be willing to evaluate how important it is to go. If i feel like i’m not comfortable with it, yet this person is relying on him, then i’d probably go with him and help her out too. I would never want to compromise his friendly and caring character amongst his friends (making an assumption here, lol) just because he married me.
I guess what i’m saying is, it’s a give and take as long as he is loyal to me. I’ll go to lengths for him, if he’s committed to me wholeheartedly. I would also hope he would extend the same courtesy if i had to travel cross country for a work thing without flipping out over male colleagues especially since he knows how distant i am with them. Again..give and take.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
you really think most guy and girls can strictly keep it platonic without at least one of the persons not falling for the other? by definition being friends with someone is being close to the person, and when people of opposite sex become close, a form of intimacy is created by definition and it often leads to one or the other having feelings for the other, even if they don’t act on those feelings
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
Lol, that’s all you picked up from the entire thing? But yes, you are right. Even if it is platonic from one side, doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be from the other side too. Which is why i stated i would be willing to “evaluate”. If anything, the former part of my statement very clearly mentions how i don’t like this form of interaction. If i can stay within my limits, why can’t he? After marriage, it should be me and him, not a third wheel.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
yup, the rest of the post was about you so can’t comment on that
yeah i don’t think guy or girl can TRULY be platonic over a long period of time, it may start off platonic but at some point as the friendship advances, one of the people do develop feelings for the other person.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
yeah, it depends on your definition of friendship. some people view friends as just there to go out and enjoy company with once in a while, not really sharing any personal details about each other etc. whereas others view friends as a support mechanism, who they can rely on to be there during rough times (venting about frustrations is different). former is fine, latter can get tricky if they are of the opposite sex. to be honest, i think if you’re doing a lot of the latter with the opposite sex then it kind of makes friendship a blurry line and harder to not remain platonic from one end or the other. add a husband/wife to the mix and that’s even more tricky.
it just depends on the couple. as long as you’re mindful of the other person’s feelings and realise that sometimes friendships need to take a backseat then it’s fine.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
I think men and women can be platonic friends. Maybe men are less likely to think that platonic friendships are possible because they get friendzoned or bhaizoned rather quickly. I am in no position to actually comment since I have no friends to begin with.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
I think if the guy is a good friend with a girl he must have introduced her to his spouse and for his spouse to develop a friendship with his female friend. I haven’t seen a guy being a **close **friend with a girl and not to have introduced her. If he is not a close friend then i doubt his female friend would contact him first for help or that most guys would agree to help unless shes is in desperate need and has no one else.
If shes in despearate need and of good character why not?
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
When Harry met Sally. Opposite gender friendships after marriage are a bad idea. Most pro marriage councilors discourage such friendships. It is easy to cross boundaries.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
i truly believe that guys and girls can be only friends. my close group consists of both guys and girls, some of them are now married and their spouses are also now part of our group. only one exception where the spouse of a female friend is not part of our group because he is religious kind and doesn’t mix up with opposite gender but he never stopped the wife from hanging out with our male friends.
as far as i am concerned, i would be fine if my husband happens to have female friends.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
I have loads of friends from the ‘opposite sex’ but its a stupid way of looking at friendship, friends are friends! Man or woman doesn’t matter, honestly it never mattered to me ever. Since school I got along with my guy friends better then my girl friends (its simpler to be friends with guys cuz they are what they are on the surface) they would tell me all about their crushes and now 15yrs later the same guys talk to me about their family lives MashAllah!
I have been married 1.5years and dated my husband for a long time before that & he knows each n every ‘guy friend’ of mine and has not once questioned my relationship with anyone else. On the day of my wedding all my guy/girl friends flew down from different parts of the world to attend my wedding (it was almost like a school reuinon).
Also, my husband gets along with them just as much as I do. They have welcomed him with open arms even though he is technically an ‘outsider’. They went out of their way & made him feel welcomed at every step of the way! my husband is quite fond of them too cuz they helped him plan my birthday surprises while we were in a long distance relationship and were there formee always. It’s an effortless chemistry which is what I love about my friends and my husband.
Point is, I love my husband and I love my friends just as much and neither of the two have anything to worry about as their importance and place is clearly defined in my life!
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
I have couple of very good female friends. We have been friends for very long time..close to 8 or 9 years. 1 one of em lives in my neighborhood..but we have very very respectful friendship. They have seen my up and down..and vice verca. We helped, motivated each other. No i don’t hang out with them..but once in a blue moon…we go grab tea or coffee. Or bus. Alhamdullilah..they are very happy in their own relationship with their signficant other..so it’s great.
Their significant other, know me as well personally. I would do same with my wife..to introduce them to these female friends.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
Pretty much sums up how I feel. I have 6 friends - ones who I would gladly go to the ends of the earth for even at great suffering to myself. I have thousands of acquaintances - people I went to school/college/uni with, colleagues through the years, friends of friends, friends of cousins, people who I considered friends at some stage in my life etc etc. I think people need to distinguish between friends as in those you trust with your deepest and darkest secrets (and them with you) and people who you see in group situations or every now and then or were perhaps close to back in the day.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
That sounds strange to me. Do you love your friends “just as much” as your parents? Would you love your friends “just as much” as your kids? Yes, every relationship has its importance and place and that’s exactly why they are not equal and therefore some rishtay will (and should) naturally receive greater priority than others in terms of time and attention and sacrifice. I don’t believe that socialization with the opposite gender can continue with the same level of frequency and the same amount of laxity as it did prior to marriage.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
RV I have spent some 15yrs of my life with these guys and they have seen me through my ups and downs in life & vice versa. After a while it stopped being about them being ‘guys’ and just being ‘friends’. I’m generally an emotional person and tend to live in black & whites so you will either see me love people or not give sh*t about them, there is no in between for me nor are there any levels of how much I love this group versus that group of people in my life (that’s just how I roll, it makes it easier for me to give my time and attention to people that deserve it in my life) so ya you can say my love is equal in ‘quantity’ (I mentioned this word cuz u asked ‘just as much’ question) for all but obviously it differs in type and ways of expression for different groups of people in my life that deserve it (parents/ husband/ sisters/ friends)
And Of course the frequency has changed after my marriage and theirs as well but what does frequency have to do with anything? I know for a fact that MashaAllah if I call any of my friends (guys/girls) at 3am and without a reason tell them to come somewhere cuz I need some help, they will come! No questions asked. Their wives, mothers, sisters, daughters and they themselves have become a part of my family over the years.
As I said earlier, everyone I love and everyone that loves me know their importance and place in my life quite well and i feel we are way past this guy/girl friendship issue in our lives.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
Yeah.. I still don’t believe that, SV. Your love is not “equal in quantity”…I don’t think it can be. You have relationships (parents, siblings, child, spouse) where you won’t hesitate to lay down your life or make some other huge sacrifice for that person if need be…whereas you wouldn’t be as easily willing to make that exact same sacrifice for other relationships (best buds, etc). So, I don’t buy the notion that my love for my jigri friends and the folks I share/d a roof with is equal in depth and quanity. It’s a pretty thought…but nah.
What does frequency have to do with anything? It’s great that you also share a close bond with the moms/wives/sisters of your male friends. It’s sweet that your male friends won’t hesitate to wake up at 3 in the morning to come rescue you if need be. However, if this happened often enough…then I’m sure even their generally flexible wives will start becoming uncomfortable and that would be the proof that opposite gender relationships are actually not viewed with the 100% trust that you believe them to have. Once in a blue moon is okay to drive out at 3 AM…but if it happens a lot…then no…cuz it will make their spouses squirm. Same thing with lending emotional support and spending time with each other…if it’s done often…and without others present…it will eventually become a problem. So frequency is very relevant; it has much to do with it.
And as badabing said up above…there is always potential for feelings to begin a-stirring…and usually people don’t plan for that to happen. And nah, you can’t separate gender from relationship dynamics…not even in a friendship. Men and women think differently, react differently, they’re wired differently. Do you not see that gender difference in your relationship with your husband? Is your husband just as emotional as you? Prolly not..guys generally aren’t. So, I don’t think you can remove the gender and just see the individual as a “friend” only. Their gender influences how they see you, how they respond to you, what they think about you and sometimes it’s apparent and other times it isn’t and is kept in check or under control. The two things can’t be isolated.
Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married
Well I’m not here to convince you rather here to give my experience on the almost 30yrs of my life that I have lived in a certain way. So I guess your experiences have been different then mine..who knows?!
Anyhow I think u r looking at relationships in a very one dimensional light or maybe I work differently for e.g when u compared my love for my friends with my sisters I would say its equal if not more. My family is my family not by choice but friends are like ur family with full knowledge of who you are and ur package and decide to be with you anyways. That to me says more specially because I had such a hard time being accepted for who I am with my family. The two people who have consciously understood me and signed up willingly for whatever I have to offer or not offer has been my husband and my friends.
This may sound brutally honest but if my parents or sisters even had a chance to pick a daughter/sister from a choice of 50 others they would never choose me and its not a bad thing honestly cuz I realize that a personality like mine not everyone can handle and want to sign up for besides it’s just sooooo different from their own.
Now that u have a little knowledge my back story and can view things in 2D i would again repeat myself and say yeah my love is equal for my family and friends.
I love my family and it took them a while to understand who I am and how I function, I still struggle sometimes but love for ur family is unconditional and almost in built in a person but I love my husband & my friends by choice cuz they love me back by choice & there is nothing more assuring then a commitment like that!
Any relationship comes with its boundaries and limitations. If I were to call my sister everyday at 3am for a favour even her husband would cringe but if once in a blue moon when its genuinely an emergency they would run to my rescue. So yeah, same goes with friends. I have the common sense and common courtesy to whether it’s with family/husband/friends to maintain a healthy relationship with giving each of them back the love that they have so selflessly shown towards me.
Regarding feelings, I have been around men long enough to know not to read much into their tough exterior. Yes they work differently from us but I feel it’s much more admirable then a woman (no offense to women here) I have seen men break and when they break, they break in such a way that no one around them can hear them..its honestly admirable to be heartbroken ( can be anything like loss of a loved one, not getting the one u love, losing a child etc) and still stand tall as you are te support for the others around you. I respect that more and have enough experience to look past the exterior they show the world.
Again, Im not here to convince you cuz I genuinely think/believe/repect that experiences shapes an individual. Maybe you have lived or seen things differently but what I have stated is my truth.
you force them, silly 