I have. actually few of them…but one of them is now acting like a jerk.
when i was really young, my Dad and grandfather decided that i will marry one of my cousins. My Dad and Grandfather passed away and we moved to the US. 7 years ago when i visited Pakistan my cousin n I become really good friends, even once i returned he kept in touch with me by emails (once a week at least). later again when i visited pakistan he showed interest in me, but i told him i wasn’t interested.
they put in a formal proposal for me, which we said NO to ( for a lot of different reasons).
since thn him n his family doesn’t talk to us. spl me.
past march i went to pakistan, n he didn’t even come c us or come to my enagement.
my brother got diag. with cancer, n even thn he or his siblings didn’t even call (his parents did).
We are first cousins (he is my dads sisters son), it really hurts me that he is acting this way. I will be getting married soon, and its really sad to think that their whole family wont be there.
i added him on FB, and said hello and hi, he added me back but so response to my mesg.
my question is for all of u who have been thrgh a similar situations.
what did u do?
should i let it go? n if so how?
yes I have rejected a cousin. He lives in pakistan and I barely see him or speak to him but when we do...he is very nice and respectful. No hard feelings it seems.
It seems to me that you lead him on first and then changed your mind later after comming to US. That was unfair from your part but everything works out at the end. Marriage in cousins, though allowed in Islam, I think it can be easily avoided without any 'GUNAH' to avoid any problems in children. I have seen many examples of abnormal children from these kind of marriages.
You've made the effort to reach out to him and his family and they have decided not to accept it, SO JUST LET IT GO. I mean you tried right? Nobody can blame you for not trying to mend/smooth things over. There is nothing else you can do.
Maybe your cousin assumed that you already knew (just like him) about your dad and grandfather's plans and because of this he most likely assumed that the developing friendship between the two of you was like an indication of mutual romantic interest from your end.
But all of that is in the past. You are now engaged and happy, MashaAllah. So why worry over people that you have tried your best to mend bridges with? When your brother got diagnosed with cancer, at least someone from their family should have come or inquired about him. That wasn't right what they did.
Try to understand that when people get rejected, it's natural for their EGO to get hurt. It's natural for them to feel stung and doubt their own self-worth and wonder, "What was wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? Does he/she think they are too good for me?" And in these situations, often times the rejected person feels that they need to AVOID/IGNORE in order to GET OVER the rejection and begin to MOVE ON with their life.
If he doesn't want to remain in touch, then don't force it. Just let it go. Most likely that's his way of trying to MOVE ON. And on the other hand, if ithis is his childish game of getting your attention through ignoring/avoidance, then don't fall for that because you're engaged. Simply, let it go, let him be alone, and let him come to terms with the situation and start moving on with his life:)
Aw, sorry that you're going through that Rabia, seems like you'd really like to make amends. I wish I could offer some insight...
I've never been in physical proximity to my cousins; they are all in Karachi and I was born and raised in the US. They thought I was the snooty American cousin and knew my parents would reject any rishtas from abroad. I did get at least one rishta from my eldest cousin in Pakistan, though. My parents politely rejected (as I was too young) and my cousin and I acted exactly the same around each other. We ignored it and considered it a matter that was handled among the adults. He is now married with two kids and I will be married in March.
That is the extent of my experience with such things. I know your intentions are pure, but this seems like one of those things you have to just let go. There is very little YOU can do I believe. You may want to encourage your parents to reach out to at least your cousin's family, parents and sibligs and let them know how much their attendance at your wedding would mean to them.
Sorry, don't let it get to you. Sometimes things just work out that way...
^^ thank you all for the kind words :)
i dont think my mother is going to try extra hard to get them to my wedding. just an invitation delivered by her in person. n i think only the parents will come.
anyways, i thght maybe i will get an idea frm posting here, but i c that best thing to do is to move on.
sad how some family members act so childish...even the adults.
It seems to me that you lead him on first and then changed your mind later after comming to US. That was unfair from your part but everything works out at the end. Marriage in cousins, though allowed in Islam, I think it can be easily avoided without any 'GUNAH' to avoid any problems in children. I have seen many examples of abnormal children from these kind of marriages.
Similar experience yes. My younger sibling (UK) rejected a marriage proposal from Kashmir (my father’s niece), in revenge they have confiscated our ancestral home and threatened a murderous rampage if we ever lay foot in the country.
In your case they have no reason to feel aggrieved, it’s not about narcism or arrogance, you’re simply incompatible. If they fail to understand this then in hindsight you made the right choice (they seem like a vile, vindictive and ignorant bunch) and you’re better off without them.
If your parents are desperate in reconciling the families they have the option of sacrificing your younger sister in matrimony to re-establish the lost link. This is frequently the case but I would strongly oppose this solution.
I once read this joke about how to find out if your cousin is romantically interested in you. You simply sneak up behind her and put your arms around/hug her…if she flips out and gets ANGRY…you cover up your courageous mistake by jumping up and down and saying, “Baji dar gayi, baji dar gayi!”
LOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! A corny joke/idea. But one that could possible save someone from pursuing the matter further.
It sucks when people can’t handle rejection. Something similar happened with my uncles and aunts (the generation before us) and one of the families has cut off all ties with the other family. They do not attend any of the weddings, etc. etc. This boycott is only one-sided. The other family would happily attend their functions if invited (which doesn’t seem likely :()
Anyway, when one of my uncles got married and the other family rejected the invitation, apparently, the elders said it’s custom to go to their house and invite them again and apologize (for refusing their rishta number of years ago :halo:). The bride was furious and absolutely refused to let her parents go along with this dramay bazi.
Anyway, rabia, let it go man Some people have bigger egos than they can handle.
Some people have bigger egos than they can handle.