Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
I agree. The problem is that immigrants have children who are born/raised in a culture that their children adopt and relate to (Ex. many American born/raised kids feel like this is their culture instead of being Pakistani). While there is nothing wrong with immigrants holding onto the culture they identify with, they should also not be surprised when their children, born/bred in a totally different culture, shun it. Holding onto the culture one relates to should not lead to shoving down that culture onto others who don’t identify with it.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Isn’t is inevitable that the culture (and maybe religion) will become more and more diluted with each generation. I see it already with language eg my generation raised in west speak urdu (not as well as our parents but it’s passable). Now I see my generation having kids and most of them speak to them in English so these small kids will never learn urdu and will not have that to pass on to their kids so basically that link through the language is gone after my generation. It’s so sad.
Wow, i just have to say that coming across this post has been a very interesting read for me. My life very closely matches that of your sister. To the point that I had a double take, scratching my head type of a moment…wondering whether that was her writing the post. lol
I agree with everyone here that your best outcome will come from reconnecting with your sister and including her in your life. If you choose not to, her life will go on just as your’s, your parent’s and your brother’s lives will go on. This lack of tolerance from family towards a child who chooses their own path, is pathetic and a true shame.
Regarding your potential SO - you should be honest and upfront with your potential partner. If they’re going to be with you, they’ll do it regardless of the path your sister has chosen.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Oh I’m so behind, I’m going to try to catch up on everyone’s replies.
–I was only mentioning the penalties according to Islam. I didn’t mean to shock you guys; it’s not something I thought up myself. Generally, American Muslims try to make up justifications for the more ‘barbaric’ acts in our religion, because admitting that our religion actually differs from our personal moral code would cause a giant mental dilemma. But the fact is that people do get lashed and killed for such acts in the Muslim world, and they are inspired directly from the Quran and the example of the Prophet.
AGREE WITH YOU 100% Taffer87 (and Iconoclast). Every parents’ love is conditional. If a white guy marries his cousin, you can be assured his family would be disgusted and would stigmatize him. One generation ago, if a man was having sex with another man, the guy would be condemned by all his peers. Every culture sets its norms…and every culture, not only Pakistani culture, does stigmatize those who violate the norms of what we deem moral.
This is the reason my bros don’t want to reconcile with her. She got engaged to my dad’s best friend’s son (not arranged), who was also good friends with my bros, and started sleeping with the white guy during her engagement. She even went looking for wedding hotels with her saas, then went back to his apartment to hook up. She would come home sometimes at 4 am with messed up hair and say she was at school. Even just knowing that my bros knew…made me feel so ashamed, but idk, she didnt care. Her fiance would send eid gifts, teddy bears, hajj gifts, etc. to our house, and she was with the other dude.
Yup, I’m in a big dilemma over this. I would say 90% of my ABCD friends cannot read Urdu, and more than half cannot speak it coherently. Some of them end up becoming really gung-ho about religion, because they feel alienated from both mainstream Americans and regular Pakistanis. However, I would honestly feel hypocritical pushing Islam down my kids’ throats when I am enjoying every benefit of a secular society. At the same time, I do not want my kids to be wearing tiny shorts with their butt hanging out, sleeping around with different guys starting in high school, saying ‘f off’ to their mom, etc. either. Enforcing these things is easy when you say it’s divinely ordained…but then kids do realize the discrepancy when we are all about saying we love Islam, yet we only like to live in non-Muslim countries.
To the recent rishta I was mentioning–I told him lightly that my sister lives with her husband. He said it would be nice to meet them. I told him that he was white and he was really shocked. Later he wished me the best of luck but he said he thinks he is too traditional for me (indirect way of saying I’m too liberal). I guess it would be easier to marry a non-Pakistani too, but I love Pakistani guys, and especially FOBS I can’t even see myself with an ABCD
I did talk to my sister last week (for almost two hours)-she is pregnant and having a child. Her husband does not want to convert to Islam anymore. They are happy as is. My mom knows about it now, and she was very very disheartened. She says Allah tala k har kaam mein maslihat hoti hai so she is trying her hardest to see the maslihat in this. It also feels like a slap to my parents–that she prioritized this guy over her family. I told my sister that if my dad cheated on my mom with another woman, we would have a hard time accepting her. I told her I have no problem with her fiance, but how they came about makes it very hard to accept him.
I told her she should ask my parents for forgiveness for everything she did; it’s too big of a transition to go from finding out she was cheating to suddenly treating this guy as a damaad. But she was dheet as f. She was mad because my dad asked her if he was willing to convert. She got mad and said “oh so if he’s not, then what?”. My dad said “well my best wishes are with you”. She was livid and then said “OH so you don’t even care about me?? If he doesn’t convert, then I can’t come back?!!” My dad said, "You did not take our permission to leave, so why are you asking us for permission to come back. The house is always open for you, and we invited you on every Eid, but you declined every time."The way she was screaming really made my dad cold towards her.
After talking to her, I felt kind of tired over this issue. I told her it is almost more comfortable to leave things as is. She agreed. She said “well, if they want to come see me or the baby I can, but I am not going to be having any sort of long discussions.”
the fact that she is with a white guy…yeah of course my parents would prefer a Pakistani person…but the main thing is that she cheated for over a YEAR of her engagement, and then she made her fiance go to therapy with her for their ‘problems’, and did so much drama. That’s what everyone always remembers. I was thinking a conversion might put a cloth of respectability over her whole f-up and make this whole thing more palatable to my parents–but now that is not an option.
I think i’m just going to be selfish and concentrate on myself, on getting settled and getting a good job…after all she was selfish too…My bros don’t care…I’ve realized everyone is selfish. I’m just going to work on myself. I told my sister I spent months and months trying to cover for her while she was engaged…and then even afterwards I have to hide for her when her friends ask me where she is…and now that she wants to have the family support and all, she is not even willing to say sorry. She says she is happy with the way her life turned out and at least she is not at home like me.
My daada just passed away and my dad became more sad…he said i lost my father and my daughter…dad said he cannot bear to have her enter the home…he will never have happiness to see her again…she made us lose all our best friends in his old age…and she was not even willing to say sorry about that. It does not matter if she comes physically back, because she is not the same person at all in terms of personality. My dad said he is ready to face the public, so he is going to slowly start telling our friends himself the truth. It’s kind of depressing when my parents are looking up burial plots to buy and saying they only have 10-20 years of life yet, but statistically that is right I guess…in a way, us remaining three kids have become closer and we are trying to make our parent’s sunset years of life better for them. I mean…Yes i am sad that I am not in contact with my sister…but then I remember…ok she is not the same person I remember anyway…I am remembering a mirage, not her reality which messed everything up. The good thing is she is happy and content, so now the main thing is, is to repair the damage she caused here.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Have two cousins and several female friends who have dated non muslims. one cousin ended up marrying her guy, he converted but it was obvious that he converted just to marry her. the rest, no it was just casual dating as usual.
no one seems to take their religion seriously nowadays, no matter how ‘devout’ they say they are you find out that most muslim boys and girls have dated/had boyfriends and girlfriends and even lovers. its so common place that even their parents know about it and nothing is said! shame shame shame
I can’t even see myself with an ABCD 