Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
My sister married a gora. Yup, they have problems but their problems have nothing to do with cultural or religious differences or even family politics. My parents actually got along with him pretty well up until they began to have problems.
My family is pretty liberal so didn’t mind the marriage but the guy did formally read Shahadah in a masjid and my parents were there. Did he really mean it? No. He did it so there wouldn’t be any chance of my family rejecting him.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
I think you should let go of your sister for a while
It will affect you i think as the guy family will have issue with it be the guy from west or pak
Your parents might forgive her after they have a grandchild and things might improve
You are lucky as I know of a girl who married a kala ( african) and her sisters have to go back to pak to marry/engage young as the parent fear the rest will follow her
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Ok if the problem is in perspective of ur future, I think u are looking at it from the wrong perspective. Being logical is good but I feel u are over thinking the rishta process.
My marriage is a love one & my husband accepts my sister & her guy more than I do but the question has arised in the minds of people involved dealing with my younger sisters rishta but thankfully the family has shown their liberal side in this regards (which was a suprise for me cuz they aren’t really in general) this makes me believe that somehow families have started concentrating on the girl more then what the girls sister is up to (unless ofcourse she is something as disturbing as a stripper or something) if she is legally and respectfully married they’ll let it go unless its a super conservative family (which doesn’t sound like u would gel with either)
Because if u have lived abroad for most of ur life there is a slim chance that if u start digging into a Desi’s family/extended family u won’t find a few skeletons of their own (drug use, colorful past, dad has two wives etc) so I feel till the time u have ur act together this issue shouldn’t stop u from finding ur kinda guy instead of u tying to fit into the two extreme categories u mentioned (I.e conservative or liberal) there are good population of people that live in the spaces between the two extremes.
Dont try to plan out ur life to the dot, life will disappoint u this way. Focus on ur self and on growing urself (personally, proffesionally & spiritually) rest all is dependent on god’s plan for u & u can’t control that. I’m SURE ull fund someone who accepts u & ur family dynamics the way they are. In this day and age its not that big of a deal
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
What yo call “antagonistic”…I can being real, dealing with the present, and taking responsibility for your own actions. You are an adult woman trying to get married. You think you’re mature/responsible enough to be someone’s wife and mother. How about learning to make certain decisions for yourself first? Decisions that effect only your life.
As I said earlier…deal with the present issues. You have a rishta right now that’s potentially serious? That’s great. Despite what your parents say, understand its your life. If the guy finds out after marriage about your sister and decides to make your life a living heIl or even divorce you…guess who will be living with that. Certainly not your parents. If you want to take this risk with your own future, then that’s your decision. Don’t worry about wasting HIS time…worry about ruining your own life by hiding such a big secret from him. Every time you talk to this guy/meet with him and choose not to tell him…you are lying by omission.
As opposed to what? Teaching your children that your love for them is conditional? That if they don’t follow YOUR wishes and wants for the rest of their life, then they will be disowned from the family?
Yea b/c conservative Pakistani guys don’t have premarital sexual relations and thus have nothing to hide/lie about.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
“Teaching your children that your love for them is conditional? That if they don’t follow YOUR wishes and wants for the rest of their life, then they will be disowned from the family?”
Just to balance things a bit; another perspective would be:
“Teaching your children that your love for them is conditional. That if they don’t follow God’s commands for the rest of their life, then they will [potentially] be disowned from the family. That this world is temporary, and so are its relationships. That this life is nothing more than a test. That religion is important, more important that even blood/family relationships.”
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Why include “potential”? Shouldn’t the parents communicate from the beginning whether the children will be disowned to avoid confusion? After all, if OPs sister had been taught from birth that she will be disowned without question if she refused to follow “God’s commands”…perhaps she never would have even entertained the idea of dating a non-Muslim (let alone marry the guy). It seems parents are perfectly ok with kids breaking God’s commands throughout life…but when it comes to who the kids marry…all of a sudden religion becomes #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) . I wonder how many God’s commands would have been taking into account by the parents when planning the wedding had the sister chosen to marry the Pakistani guy they picked for her.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
People can have differing opinions; which have reasonable (if not conclusively better) merits in their eyes and not in other people’s.
Potentially in brackets was deliberate… I tried to allow for the fact that the lesson some people might be giving their kids is [by way of implication] look at what happens generally/has happened to others and not this is exactly what will happen to you if you do X. Other people might have a different style.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
God doesn’t teach to disown (I think there are very few exceptions to this).. it’s usually more about a person’s ego.. “How dare my child marry someons white/black”
If your mother happens to be Christian you’re commanded to keep ties and treat her with respect, likewise if a Muslim man marries a Christian woman he’s forbidden from stopping her going to Church..
Tolerance seems to have gone out of the window for so many people though.. It’s all us V them
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Sure, another perspective.
Albeit, I think the example you gave is not sufficiently close to be conclusive here. Having a non-muslim parent is completely different from having a muslim daughter who marries a non-muslim [and possibly leaves Islam in some people’s view]. The emotions / thought process etc etc would be totally different for someone going through the latter.
I assume, of course, that the parent was never a muslim (born or converted).
Also agree that for some people it may be a cultural / what would others think issue than religion.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
If you’re worried about Allah’s wishes truly and sincerely, read the Quran and Hadith about the serious objections to cutting yourself off from family. From what I’ve read, it is very seriously condemned.
Also, lying and deceiving another person are NEVER right. You absolutely know that. Do not justify by cowering behind your parents’ commands. They’re wrong. You have to decide if you’re going to let other people’s insecurities, flaws, and mistakes ruin your life.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Correct. But if people are going to their opinions, style…or teaching their kids what happens generally…then they’re making a choice. God’s commands are pretty clear…there is no “what generally happens” in those. Either you follow them or you don’t. And I have yet to meet one single desi person who actually follows God’s commands. OP’s parents, OP herself…and majority (if not all) people do what you described…they follow the religious rules that are “reasonable” in their eyes and for the rest…goes by what’s acceptable in their community.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
You live with your parents and see their version of it, but also try to look at this from your sister’s perspective as well.
It must have been hard for her as well to deal with hurting your parents and having no loved ones at her wedding.
At the end of the day, family is family and she will always be your sister. You may not agree with her life choices but you do love her right? Just like I’m sure your parents still do.
As for your rishta prospects - I would not start a relationship on a lie. I would be open and honest and considering that you also seem conflicted in your feelings for your sister and her marriage - you should find someone a bit more liberal who wouldn’t have a problem with you having your sister in your life. But don’t hide something like this - she’s a part of your family.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Best advice so far. Who gives a **** what the community thinks. Me personally, I think I’ll end up going for a Gujji girl because they seem more devout and are less flakey then paki girls imo. If the dude has converted whats your dad’s beef? Your sister could have handled it in a slightly more politically correct way i.e. date the dude, get him to convert, don’t get frisky with him lol before nikkah, and then do nikkah with him - if your dad still wanted to go all beradri on her ass, she should have got your brothers to act as mehrem. The **** your describing mainly seems to be going on in the Mirpuri and Jhelumi expat community who are big on “back home” bs. My family is Lahore based back home, we tend to mix primarly with Lahori based families and Karachi based families, the difference between these two communities and Mirpuri/Jhelumi/Faisalabadi/Gujjar Khan people who came down into Rawalpindi and Islamabad families is chalk and cheese imo. I know a couple of Jhelumi girls who married into my family, they both say the difference is massive in terms of morals, ethics and adaptability. Just my 2 cents.
One thing I rate about your sister is she has the courage of her convictions - alot of paki girls and guys for that matter don’t. They end up in unhappy marriages just to save face and then play away regardless.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
Nothing in life is unconditional. There is always a line, if kids cross it then they should know that the relationship will be over. One may still continue to love them but you don’t have to maintain ties in every circumstance.
Now what that line is may be different for different people.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
If you live in the west you have to expect that some of your relatives will get married outside their own community and with each successive generation that percentage will increase. The only solution to this is to move to a muslim country.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
this is very true arshad. I sometimes think about this and wonder is there any point in holding on to our culture when inevitably our descendants will feel less and less connection with it and probably in a few generations be totally “integrated” in western society. The only solution would be to move to muslim countries but I don’t really see that happening to the majority.
Re: Has anyone had a sister that dated/married a non-Muslim?
I would not go so far as to say that we should not try to hold onto our culture as our culture is a part of our being and is a source of strength and enrichment.
