Honestly, i don't know where to start! I'm a broken and confused wife who recently found out her husband cheated on her.
A little bit of background - we have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children. He is my phupos son and came to UK from Pakistan after our marriage. In my head... we were leading a happy and loving life together. We had our ups and downs and disagreements but i've always felt loved by him. He's is a loving and caring father and husband. 2 years into our marriage i found out he still speaks to his ex, who is also married and has children. He told me they broke up before me and him got engaged, but somehow through mutual friends managed to stay in touch. I made it clear to him that as she was your ex, I don't agree with you speaking to her. So he apologized and promised he won't speak to her again. Another 2 years down the line, I again saw their chats on fb. They had been in touch all this time, and not just as friends. From the chats i could tell this was all a chaska from both sides. He again apologized and was even more sorry this time and again promised this would never happen again. I gave him another chance thinking, it was only online chatting, it's not like he was seeing anyone.
Now a month ago my phone brokedown and my husband had bought a new phone so gave me his old one. Fortunately or unfortunately he forgot to delete all pics and didn't log out of fb and insta accounts. Long story short, i found he cheated on me for about 3 months with a girl from work. He told her that everyone at work knows he is a married man but infact it's only a paper marriage to get UK residency. The girl was also engaged and due to get married soon. They went out for dates, were physical to the extent of kissing and hugging and that girl had also sent him semi nude pics. Now i found out about their affair after she had got married, so he was no longer involved with her once i found out.
You will all probably think i'm such a stupid woman for still staying with a man like this. However, I have really seen a change in him this time round. We have a daughter and i reminded him what if this happens with his daughter in the future, how would he feel. I don't know if its my love for him or just the fact that I want him to straighten up and walk on the path of Allah and our deen. I've also started praying namaz and am trying to get him to pray too as I honestly want him to change for Allah, if not for me and the children.
My question to you all is, has anyone been in this situation before? Where you have forgiven the person and made it clear this is his last chance, but cannot forget all that has happened. Those texts he had sent to the girls the, the inappropriate pics, their dates, the lies and deceit, how can i forget everything? How do I move on?
My whole post is sounding silly to me now :( but honestly guys im broken inside and just don't know how to move on. I haven't shared this with any friend or family member, no one knows what i've been through.
I’m sorry you’re going through something like this.
I have a few questions:
Do you see a pattern in his behavior?
For how long has he been cheating in different ways?
He definitely had a habit of talking to girls since we got married. He is a very friendly person and has many friends female and male who he likes to keep in touch with. It seems like i find out he is talking to a girl, he apologises and says it won’t happen again and 2 months down the line he starts again. It’s like he can’t help it and just can’t get out of this habit.
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He definitely had a habit of talking to girls since we got married. He is a very friendly person and has many friends female and male who he likes to keep in touch with. It seems like i find out he is talking to a girl, he apologises and says it won’t happen again and 2 months down the line he starts again. It’s like he can’t help it and just can’t get out of this habit.
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Do you think giving him an ultimatum will work?
Btw, being friendly and cheating are two different things.
He’s acting differently this time round. He has given the passcode of his phone to me and says i can have access to his phone whenever he wants. And I can feel the change in him.
I want to help him. If this is an addiction or habit that he can’t get rid off, just maybe it’s Allah’s plan that I should help him and try and make him change his ways. Even Allah forgives the biggest criminals, then who are we? I have sincerely loved him and want him to change his ways for the sake of Allah. But he knows for definite now that if it happens again, me and the kids will be out of his life.
He’s acting differently this time round. He has given the passcode of his phone to me and says i can have access to his phone whenever he wants. And I can feel the change in him.
I want to help him. If this is an addiction or habit that he can’t get rid off, just maybe it’s Allah’s plan that I should help him and try and make him change his ways. Even Allah forgives the biggest criminals, then who are we? I have sincerely loved him and want him to change his ways for the sake of Allah. But he knows for definite now that if it happens again, me and the kids will be out of his life.
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Then see how it works out this time. Good luck! I sincerely hope it works out for you and the kids.
maybe he has changed, maybe he hasn’t ? it has only been 3 months since his last encounter with another woman… this is repeat behavior.. and just because you have the passcode to his phone, doesn’t mean he isn’t cheating anymore.. although for your sake I really hope he isn’t.
I had my ex’s password to his phone too, but that didn’t stop him from coming up with different ways to still hide his cheating behavior from me, so sorry to say this, but having his password doesn’t mean anything
and of course recently he has changed his behavior in general with you, he got caught red handed cheating, and he will do everything to show you he has changed so suddenly. but have you noticed that every time you have confronted him, he backs off from the woman of the hour, and then goes right back into talking to a woman again? at that point, him temporarily stopping that, doesn’t hold much weight
InshAllah he will change for sure and not do it again.. BUT - how many more strikes does he get before you are fed up of this?
I get a vibe that you want someone from here to give you some umeed. I think you’re hoping that someone will tell you that they went through similar situation and that their spouse became naik and changed for good. But even if someone gives you that kind of hope, it’s not guarantee.
What you have is what you see in front of you. If your husband has given you the passwords to his email and social media accounts, then let’s hope that he won’t cheat again, that he won’t create “other” separate accounts to secretly have his affairs while same time giving you the impression of honesty with the few accounts that he has given you access to. Let’s hope that while he is allowed you to monitor him on social media and email that he will be able to lower his gaze around women in your absence. Someone else’s story might give you hope, but it won’t come with any promises.
On one side you say that you have forgiven him out of your love for him, and other side you are asking how you will be able to move on from his dhokay. I think when we sincerely and truly forgive someone, then that means we have moved on and are not going to let the past color our future interactions with that person. If you are still asking yourself how you will move on, if you are still replaying his betrayals over and over in your mind then maybe you have to ask yourself if you’ve truly forgiven him.
More power to you for still staying with him. I don’t think I could live with a guy jis ka thobra dekh kar I would be constantly reminded that I was never enough for him, that his words didn’t match his actions, that he has proven he can commit the same mistake again, that he reduced me from being his wife of many years to nothing but a paper-marriage lie just so that he can get a hug and some free semi-porn pics. I would rather put a paper bag on his thobra or live the rest of my days with having to see as little of it as possible for my sanity. I incline toward the second option but maybe I am not as big hearted as you.
So here is from a mans perspective having very deep roots in the east and west and having experienced and observed life very deeply. Men are genetically not monogamous it is the modern values that gives us a conscience about monogamy faith allowed multiple wives and countless sec slaves so unfortunately you won?t get much help there. Modern women scare the man Chitless about cheating. My friend Marcel a young handsome millionaire was hunted down by women but his much older wife told him that she will sever his Crown Jewels off
One thing that leads to death of a relationship is drudgery many eastern women stop taking care of themselves, they just become a mother don?t want to be the hottie anymore. Then we go out and it is a buffet out there girls running jogging manicured pedicured high heels fat lips toned and all.
17 to 18 years ago I had an act of indiscretion with someone at work as our bond was not strong enough no one ever found out and now we have a strong bond and mostly because of common goal of children well being and the love of the whole family
Dont forget to have date nights dress up and charm each other and pay attention to each other
Men are visual we are like children like shiny stuff make sure you give him visually what he looks for outside
I am fighting a demon right now, a younger woman I do some consulting for is showing a lot of interest, her advances bothered me for a bit and then it seemed like my wife started to take me for granted, wouldn?t appreciate my cooking, would criticize a lot whereas this girl showers me with compliments etc and momentarily I started thinking about her but everyday I remind myself and repeat in the mirror that I will never hurt the woman who gave me my children but it is a hard world out there
Involve him with kids ask him to hug children when he leaves and hug them when he comes back ask him to tell them bedtime stories and take them to the park
Tell him kids will hate him forever I have seen this in my own family where the sons don?t talk to the cheater dad
sorry for long winded post I am just at the airport too early for the flight
Western men with hot wives also cheat so it’s a universal phenomenon .
The entire responsibility of cheating is on the person cheating and not on the spouse. If one is no longer interested in the spouse, then they should leave the spouse. After that they can do whatever they want with whomever they want. We should stop putting partial blame on the victim.
Divorce is not immoral but cheating is. Absolutely nothing justifies cheating.
I agree with this part of your advice. This is important to keep up the spark.
Yes you are right and you can never blame the victim and yet countless women both in the west and east cheat on their husbands and without fail blame the husband for not giving her the attention they deserve.
The goal is to build a strong bond and relationship and both parties have a role to play
If you pay attention to my post, you’ll notice I used the word ‘spouse’, ‘person’ etc when I talked about the responsibility being of the cheating partner. The reason I did that is because, I am aware that women cheat as well.
Yes, the goal is to build a good relationship and both parties play a role in that. But cheating can never be justified.
Also here is an analogy, I was famished at the airport and called my wife to take me to buffet when she picks me up, then I couldnt resist and ate a doughnut and had coffee now I am not hungry and asked her to cancel buffet so don?t send your man out hungry in the buffet
That’s a sad state to be in for the east as well as the west. Ideally love, compassion, kindness and the like are supposed to be what binds spouses and not fear.
And there are amazing relationships out there also and I feel that I have one, communication is the key, I did talk to my wife about taking me for granted and how I need her to look nice for me and things changed.
The power thing is in our DNA and will not change, When men had power they abused it
i went to Topkapi and the Sultan had thousands of women in that palace
You are not being a realist as the only way we behave is for reward or punishment like heaven and hell
if there was no fear of consequence than most would steal although fear needs to be used sparingly and mostly reward
