So we all went out to eat. There were two small tables put together to make room for us 5 plus 2 kids. Hubby FIL MIL BIL all sat bunched up together i was sitting on the other side of table felt like a spare part and they all offering the plates of food to each other and not me I felt like j didn’t even need to be there. I was sure MIL must’ve bitxxhdd about Me
Came home; was fuming. So I yelled at him vented.he doesn’t see the big deal asked me why I didn’t bother to talk myself or move up the table. Had a. Row. Now not taking.
He doesn't see it that way n he just explained to me how he was controlling the kids and wasn't deliberate. He noticed his mother not talking to me too he also said his mother doesn't talk to him either.
would you answer me in yes or no? I mean, you are telling his part of story... whats your side? did he sit with you? he offered you anything?
I think, you should not care about it as far as your husband was sitting beside you... inlaws ki adat hoti hay parties ruin kerna, so chill and just ignore! when are you flying btw?
He doesn't see it that way n he just explained to me how he was controlling the kids and wasn't deliberate. He noticed his mother not talking to me too he also said his mother doesn't talk to him either.
She's ignoring her own son as well. Can you imagine how much harder this is for him than for you. That's his mother....he has more of a right/reason to be upset at her than you. She's not even a blood relation of yours. But he's handling the situation with more patience and maturity than you. He knows that not every single things needs to be confronted or made into an issue. You don't get this. And it's pretty big of him to admit to you that he noticed his mom ignoring you....not every guy will do that. Some may not even realize it and even if they do, they dare not admit it out of pride. You've had enough negative exoeriences with your in-laws by now to lower your expectations of them. Okay so they were passing the dishes to one another and they didn't do that with you. You're not a guest...you're a big girl...you can serve yourself....and by now you should understand that they won't treat you the same way as they do each other. They don't like you, fine. You're not fond of them either. You're even in your sentiments. You're blessed that your husband supports you; not every woman has that. So it didn't occur to him to pass you a dish or talk to you. He said it wasn't deliberate so you can either choose to trust him or you can create yet another drama for yourself before you leave. Why don't you leave on a more positive note. He already acknowledges that his mom is being immature. Wouldn't you rather leave Pak with him thinking to himself that gee my mom gave nadz a hard time but my wife showed maturity and patience....(which would increase your respect in his eyes)..... Or do you want him to think that if my mom is petty
my wife is no better and end up feeling relieved that you're leaving so that now he'll only have one difficult woman to deal with (his mom) and not two difficult women. You've been reminded of this point several times to no avail. And I think you already know this. You have to push yourself to develop more tolerance....(I admit it doesn't come easy, not even for me. You have to force yourself)...nobody else can do that for you. That's the advice you will get again and again. And you can seek it from as many people as you want....but it all boils down to your own will power.
When people ignore you on the food table, this means more opportunities to eat, focus on the problem at hand nadz123](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/members/nadz123.html) , the food I mean. You should have eaten your heart out!
I know it must have made you feel bad...to be sitting there and they're pretending as if you're not really there.
But like many people have said before, keep saying and even your own husband said it:
Either take a stand or keep quiet. Why do you let it fester like this? Why do you allow things to build up? Either learn to forgive and forget or fight back politely. You should have asked for the food to be handed over to you, or made a joke about the situation or even asked her "ammi, tabiyat to sahi hai na...kuch thaki thaki lagrahi hein". Bura lagay to lagay...ainda karne se pehle to sochengi na ke sunnay ko milegi?
I agree that it's not a good feeling to be left out. In the end what matters is that you don't ruin your relationship with your husband. Whatever differences you have with your inlaws shouldn't bring problems in your married life. In the end you know how much your husband cares about you and that should be the most important thing. You should let him know how you feel and keep distance from inlaws if possible. In the end remember your husband will suffer the most from both sides.
I like how sometimes we almost get the other side of the picture as well, in this case, your husband saying why weren't *you *contributing to the chitter chatter? Seriously, trust me on this, when you have installed so much negative energy and resentment inside you, people around you can feel it and naturally build their defence against it and that typically includes ignoring that person. This goes for both you and your MIL.
I don't understand, you have two little children, why don't your use your children to lighten up the situation? Kids are blessing and an absolute joy, their mere presence have so much power to not just neutralise but liven up any situation. So when the family members talk to your kids, why don't you also get involved and pass light comments yourself? Build some kind of link. I mean instead of sitting there like a lemon and letting out the fume from every pore of your body, why didn't you "controlled" the kids to at least look occupied, that would've saved you the embarrassment and feeling of being left out.
I like how sometimes we almost get the other side of the picture as well, in this case, your husband saying why weren't *you *contributing to the chitter chatter? Seriously, trust me on this, when you have installed so much negative energy and resentment inside you, people around you can feel it and naturally build their defence against it and that typically includes ignoring that person. This goes for both you and your MIL.
You know that's pretty interesting; I went through a similar situation when I visited a few months ago. I'm naturally very chatty/friendly by nature, but this time I adopted the "keep quiet" approach. I was friendly, polite, when someone spoke to me I did, and there were a few times I would make a joke or two (but be met with silence). I would keep myself busy with their kids (who were just lovely)
I did this because when I had visited in the past, I did engage and contribute and that led to misunderstandings....some of which led to big fights between me and the husband. No matter how good my intentions were, it felt like just speaking would get me in trouble, so I kept quiet. My husband noticed that I had become very reserved and I told him about the incidents where my being "free" caused problems for us.
I honestly don't know if this was the best approach, because there was still tension and I had to hear stupid comments from others. I had never stayed this quiet since I learned to talk! and it was a challenge. It was basically a case of damned if I do, damned if I don't.
ignore...never rise to the bait, these people sometimes bait u on purpose so u snap, they lie in wait so dont give them the satisfaction. Stop taking everything so personally and to heart. Concentrate on ur husband, let these little issues go so he respects u as u will be the bigger person. Its him u need on ur side no one else!
That is sad, you are leaving in a week and you can't stop fighting with your hubby. All that happened is not new to you. It is all old news. I hope you will make an effort to spend this week peacefully with your husband without any complaints, bad moods, etc.
You know that's pretty interesting; I went through a similar situation when I visited a few months ago. I'm naturally very chatty/friendly by nature, but this time I adopted the "keep quiet" approach. I was friendly, polite, when someone spoke to me I did, and there were a few times I would make a joke or two (but be met with silence). I would keep myself busy with their kids (who were just lovely)
I did this because when I had visited in the past, I did engage and contribute and that led to misunderstandings....some of which led to big fights between me and the husband. No matter how good my intentions were, it felt like just speaking would get me in trouble, so I kept quiet. My husband noticed that I had become very reserved and I told him about the incidents where my being "free" caused problems for us.
I honestly don't know if this was the best approach, because there was still tension and I had to hear stupid comments from others. I had never stayed this quiet since I learned to talk! and it was a challenge. It was basically a case of damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I've had a similar experience to Sara. In all honesty, it's not always the best idea to participate in conversations just to keep up appearances. On the flip side sometimes we have to make an extra effort just to keep things oiled and in working order.
Now I know you are your Uncles DIL, do you get on with him? What about your BIL? If you do get on with them say better than the MIL maybe it's worth talking to them about 'neutral' subjects such as the children e.g. what they've done today that was new. My BIL isn't married yet but he's completely into learning about kids and what they do. We talk about Pakistani politics (okay he does the talking I just chip in). Generally speaking though I never have 1-2-1 conversations with my BIL. even though he's my cousin too as I don't like spending in situations that are not natural for me; and in the UK I don't speak much time around non-Mahrams. I'm not a snob, I just don't spend time in such situs. Maybe you can do something similar and talk to anyone you do get on with whilst your husband is present to avoid lines becoming crossed. But of course this can only work if you do get on with BIL and FIL.
It's a shame that your last days are being tarnished with all this crap.
Are you leaving the husband out there when you return? If that's the case ask for him to spend time with the children away from the dramas-just my 2 cents worth of advice on this.
Yea probably. She’s been doing it every since you got married and moved in with her. She has made it very clear to you and everyone else that she doesn’t like you.
You didn’t want to fight but decided to yell at your husband?
Yes you were right to be upset. In a perfect world, your husband/in-laws should have made an effort to make you feel like “part” of the group. Does that make you feel better?
But guess what…YOU are the one who made an even bigger mistake by yelling and fighting with your husband 2 weeks before leaving for UK. Way to go in leaving your husband with some happy memories of you. All this behavior is really going to make him want to leave his mother and move to the UK to be with you asap.
Nadz seriously. Who cares at this point. You know very well how his mother feels about you so why bother getting yourself upset and fighting with the husband? Don't you get tired? You knew exactly how they were going to behave with you, your causing trouble for yourself by even acknowledging them. If I had been you I would of been so much more at ease if no one spoke to me, why do you want the attention of people that have put you through so much???
I think the problem is, you are living in your susraal like a stranger. Take charge. If I were you, I would have said in a joking manner, hey! I am here too and helped myself. Sometimes you have to make yourself fit it. If you are waiting around for people to come treat you like a queen in your in laws house, it doesn't come naturally. You need to become noticed and you need to take things a little lightly. Don't take everything the wrong way. Even if it might seem like it.
