Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hello,

My friend introduced me to a man who is two years younger than me.

I am from a very non-desi family, most of us dont even speak urdu.

This man comes from the opposite family, a very culturally desi family. Does anyone have experience with this? He doesn’t mind that I don’t speak urdu, dont eat desi food or have desi clothes, but we are concerned what his family might think. That combined with being older?

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

Hmmmm, it really depends on how much you care about what your families think. If you are both in love and happy then your fam should just accept it (ideally)... just go ahead and let both sides meet. Inshallah it will all work out.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

OP, have you met the family yet? Will you be expected to live with them?

I had a very westernised upbringing as well + would be very cautious if in your shoes.. Think long and hard about any possible adjustments you might need to make, your whole lifestyle could change.. Also bare in mind that the guy might become more conservative after marriage, especially around family or to keep them happy.. In an ideal world different personalities and outlooks wouldn't matter but the truth is they will impact your day-to-day life a LOT...

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

Kudos to you that age doesn't matter much. Most desi girls I know wouldn't marry anyone younger

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

Good grief, him being 2 years younger is no big deal. I can understand if the parents or the older generation has hangups over the guy being 2 years younger....and I have seen people make a big deal if the girl is only a few months to a few days older than the guy, but it's sad when that anxiety rubs off from the parents to the younger generation. I can understand if it was 5-10 years, but 2 years is no biggie and it appears the guy has no issue with it or he wouldn't even consider the rishta in the first place. It's a bigger deal if you notice a pronounced difference in his maturity level and yours. But if he's overall mature and responsible, that's what matters more.

The difference in lifestyle is a bigger concern than the age difference, imo. It's something you should talk to him about rather than make assumptions. Bring up the difference with him, ask him his expectations in terms of culture, maybe bring up hypothetical scenarios and ask his opinion. Will you be living with his family? If so, then that will naturally require more compromise from you. And most importantly, do istikhara. If Allah in His wisdom know this this rishta to be best for u, it will be facilitated with ease. If not, then it'll come to an end and consider yourself saved.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

I have not met his family yet.

Why I looked into this rishta instead of passing on it was his attitude towards the cultural mentality. As much as he loves his culture and background, he does see the unfairness in expecting to live with his parents. His own mother had issues living with her in laws.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

I wouldn't have considered it if he wasn't mature! He outshines me in many areas in that regard ahaha

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

I agree, age shouldn't be an issue. It isn't an issue for me or my family (After they met). They liked that he was mature and responsible.

I'm not expected to live with his family, we are actually considering both moving for our work to another state.

Jazakallah khair for the advice, I appreciatei it :)

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

^I wasn’t sure if the age gap was a non issue. At the end of your original post, you said “That combined with being older”…so I thought you had some reservations about it. But it’s good that you don’t :k:. You won’t know how willing he is to compromise unless you actually talk to him about it. If you think to yourself that he won’t be able to handle a particular cultural/lifestyle difference such as clothing…it’ll be an assumption at best until he actually tells you what he expects, right? But even when two individuals are on the same page in terms of culture and beliefs and goals, they still may not be entirely compatible or the best match for each other. Hence, the istikhara suggestion; it’s better to do it before developing a strong attachment to someone.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

How connected is he with his family? Like is he living separately from his family and plan to do that? If that's the case, then it should not matter much but otherwise, you have to be ready to compromise on few things and expect them to compromise on few. Its all comes down to can you do that? How willing are you?

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

What are your respective ages?

Do either of you live with your families, or live separately?

What do your parents think?

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

Points to think about:

1) Does his family speak English (I'm assuming this is what you and your family speak)? If his family is not fluent in the language you guys speak, and your family doesn't speak Urdu...well that's going to create a issue at every family gathering and create a lot of misunderstandings in the future.

2) What about kids? Does HE want his future children to speak Urdu and eat desi food and know desi culture? You haven't written anything about you willing to learn Urdu or being more "desi". Will HE be ok with his children being as non-desi as you are?

3) Tell him to simply ask his family what they think about him marrying a girl who doesn't speak Urdu, eat desi clothes, or wear desi clothes. How they react to this information will give you a good idea on what the future holds.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

Him just "seeing" the unfairness in it versus thinking of it as unacceptable for ur lives r two seperate things. There r guys who r very mature in their thinking but very weak in their actions. Where they know all the right things to say and do (short of what u actually want) and to pacify u to go along with whatever will keep his family happy or him guilt free( for not "abandoning" his family, whether they require that of him or not). For cases like this read nadz123 posts :). And if that's not enough then ask me how this rings true.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

It's going to be a gamble really. We don't know the other family, how they react, what their attitudes and expectations are. So there are a lot of what ifs involved. A lot of people talk about compromise in theory and thay can't implement it. If he's the kind of guy who needs to have everything his way or how it used to be when he was growing up then it'll be a problem.

My parents had a conservative vs non-conservative families coming together and it was not an issue at all. My mother couldn't even understand her mil half the time because she spoke very accented Punjabi (I don't understand my aunts either. I just nod and smile) but they got along very well because her mil was very kind and understanding. My parents did have some differences of opinion on how to raise me but eh, I think I steamrollered through their ideas so it was never a huge clash.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

OP -

You as a human being will make changes in your own life after marriage...it will happen because it does happen.

The fact that he's on board with moving out or away is a great sign and lessens the pressure of being traditional because you're not living together.

As far as future expectations with respect to culture - men and women often learn from each other post marriage. I learned a lot from my husband after marriage and he learns from me. About both cultures.

If you two are mentally on the same page - I wouldn't worry too much about this. Just be ready to do whatever you can to keep your marriage healthy - and that goes for ANY guy you'd marry - not just this one.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

move right along....unless this is Disney

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

It doesn't matter if the guys family speaks English. If you don't know how to speak Urdu/Punjabi then you'll have a problem.

Speaking as someone who is definitely not desi :p and I don't even know Urdu... except for a few words here and there. If I was in a rishta situation with my partner I would skip it. It's waaaayyyyyyy too difficult. You don't know how isolating it is to be left out of the conversation completely while everyone is laughing etc.

At the end of the day... I wouldn't too different. doesn't matter what the initial stage is. It'll be much, much harder later on with family etc.

But if you are willing to change and learn to become more desi then I don't see a problem.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

It's a huge shock considering that when you were 2 years old, he was virtually non-existing. Well technically.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

What he expects from you after marriage is what matters even if you don't live with his family.

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Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not

This is really wonderful advice, thank you. I'm expecting to be able to work everything out before marriage, when it is just as you say: you learn so much about each other after marriage.

My current dilemma is how to balance culture and religion. I dont have an emotional attachment to many cultural expectations, and I've realized that I don't know where he stands in this regard.