Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
What are your respective ages?
Do either of you live with your families, or live separately?
What do your parents think?
We are both in our mid/late twenties.
We both live with our families.
My parents really like him simply by the fact that he makes me happy. But they're concerned about the cultural clash as I am very 'white bread' and he loves his cricket and khagera, and then his familial background.
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
Him just "seeing" the unfairness in it versus thinking of it as unacceptable for ur lives r two seperate things. There r guys who r very mature in their thinking but very weak in their actions. Where they know all the right things to say and do (short of what u actually want) and to pacify u to go along with whatever will keep his family happy or him guilt free( for not "abandoning" his family, whether they require that of him or not). For cases like this read nadz123 posts :). And if that's not enough then ask me how this rings true.
This is a very good point, thank you for bringing it up.
Could you link me to some of nadz123 posts? :)
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
It doesn't matter if the guys family speaks English. If you don't know how to speak Urdu/Punjabi then you'll have a problem.
Speaking as someone who is definitely not desi :p and I don't even know Urdu... except for a few words here and there. If I was in a rishta situation with my partner I would skip it. It's waaaayyyyyyy too difficult. You don't know how isolating it is to be left out of the conversation completely while everyone is laughing etc.
At the end of the day... I wouldn't too different. doesn't matter what the initial stage is. It'll be much, much harder later on with family etc.
But if you are willing to change and learn to become more desi then I don't see a problem.
Yeah, I had thought about this. His family speaks urdu at home, and I barely know the colors in urdu. I am willing to learn Urdu, it is something I have wanted to learn for a while.
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
This is really wonderful advice, thank you. I'm expecting to be able to work everything out before marriage, when it is just as you say: you learn so much about each other after marriage.
My current dilemma is how to balance culture and religion. I dont have an emotional attachment to many cultural expectations, and I've realized that I don't know where he stands in this regard.
The thing is OP -
You'll have to be open to change...just keep an open mind. Don't expect anything to be as you expected because BOTH of you will make compromises.
OP, being interested is one thing but in a marriage if both don't understand each others family culture it really can get ugly and it will cause a lot of drama so pls think this through. A lot of desified boys marry white washed girls only to later complain that she doesn't make rotis, or get along with their mother and other such things. So think these things through, a lot of desi men do grow up being taught that women change themselves according to husband and if and when they don't see that it does become hard. It doesn't matter what country he has lived in , his home environment and culture will play a big role.... Lots of things to think through .....
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
Op, you could read Nadz's threads if you want. However, I don't think her threads would be an accurate reflection of how your own marriage would turn out. Things are MashaAllah much better for Nadz now, but many of her problems were the result of jealousy and ego and carelessness more so than a culture clash. The turbulence in her marriage wasn't always because of cultural differences. And reading a string of negative threads might make you fearful about a rishta that could actually be good for you. I think it's better that you discuss this matter with this guy in greater depth and then make a decision as opposed to using a member's threads to help you decide. And most importantly, do istikhara. It's really that simple, these are the only two things you need to do...and you could be doing them right now. So why prolong it?
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
This is really wonderful advice, thank you. I'm expecting to be able to work everything out before marriage, when it is just as you say: you learn so much about each other after marriage.
My current dilemma is how to balance culture and religion. I dont have an emotional attachment to many cultural expectations, and I've realized that I don't know where he stands in this regard.
Sorry, I could not respond in detail earlier.
Everything crucial to your marriage you will learn after you sign the dotted line. My only advice to you is to be as open as possible to change or anything that comes your way. Do your best and leave the rest to Allah.
Post marriage, he might even make mistakes of assuming you know certain things about desi culture you might not...its okay. Life may be confusing at first where you'll be getting used to each other's habits...its okay. There will be parts of him that will not make sense since he's so traditional but we're all a mixed pot of eastern and western culture...its still okay. Keeping the lines of communication open is about the only thing you can actually do to remedy your concerns.
BUT no matter how concerned you are about the future, you'll never really know until you're standing in it. My suggestion is, enjoy the pre-marriage dating period...have fun and make the most out of every stage you're going through.
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
I can honestly tell you that it depends purely on the individuals involved. My husband's mom speaks only Pashto- all I can manage in Pashto is "how are you". Despite this, we have a wonderful relationship (with people translating for us!) and get on fine...although I of course am now trying to learn the language to make things easier for everyone. You will only be left out if your prospective husband's family is not willing to include you- for example, when in Pakistan, although my hubby's cousins etc are all used to speaking Pashto when together, they deliberately avoid doing so when I am there to ensure I understand. I consider myself lucky because if this wasn't the case I would feel awkward and uncomfortable. These are things you need to consider, namely, how willing would his family be to make adjustments for you if need be?
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
I'm kind of in the reverse situation. I'm super Pakistani/punjabi; grew up going to Pakistan almost every other year. My family is typical Punjabi -- loud, loving, very over the top, etc. My fiance (love marriage btw) is 1/2 indian (my dad flipped out initially), hydro, and super white washed. I speak urdu/punjabi fluently and he sounds like a gora when he talks. He hates bollywood and doesn't understand most of it, and I grew up on it. My family is conservative (we pray, fast, dress modestly) but emphasize cultural conservativeness more than anything. My fiance's family is super religious, everyone wears hijab (i'm the only girl in the entire family that doesn't) and they don't listen to music, etc.
My fiance is different because he's more liberal--so it works. And his family, although they're conservative, are pretty open minded about other lifestyles. So far, it's worked out. I can't speak for the future but I hope it'll be okay.
what matters is their mindset: are they open and understanding to the fact that you can't speak urdu? Do they speak english with each other and will be okay speaking english with you/family? That type of deal.
Re: Guy is from very traditional family, I am not
Since you are the one who will be living with him and his family (I'm presuming) you need to be prepared to make compromises along the way.
I would say take it slow right now and meet his family and find out more about them. See if that's the type of family you can adjust with easily or at least people who won't be disappointed that you are not as into the culture as them. I think often when we like someone we overlook these things but they do matter. My husband's side was a bit more conservative than mine and it did take me some time to adjust. Whenever I go to KHI to visit - I try my best to compromise in some ways and since I hardly see most of them and we live abroad it isn't that bad. My husband knows how I am and my way of thinking and our marriage works great. But I consciously try to make an effort for his sake and for my in-laws happiness when I'm around his family's circle of relatives. So it's just little things sometimes that we have to compromise on.
My advice would be to just get to know his parents and see what kind of people they are. I spent a lot of one on one time with my MIL and I felt comfortable around her, that kind of eased me into being a part of his family, so family definately does matter in those regards. But if you feel uncomfortable being yourself around his family then it might be something to consider before you go through with it.