i need some insight on this kind of behavior if you people have any.
the brief is that two of my friends have gotten married to each other. we all have studied together so both the girl and the guy are super close to each one of us in our friends group. they have been married for 3 years now and it is a love marriage.
the problem is that our male friend has been kinda flirt type since all the years we have known him. my female friend now his wife also known this as we have all been friends. unfortunately, our friend has still not left this behavior of flirting with other girls. he doesn’t meet with the women he flirts with but he engages with them via phone calls and texts. all the girls are random girls he finds on chat sites and fb and he never flirted with the girls he knew personally.
before marriage he used to go on dates too with the girls but after he got married he left that bit but has not completely gave up on the flirt scene. they are now been married for 3 years and have a daughter as well. he never hide this thing from his wife although this is hurting his wife but he tells her that he only does this out of habit and that he has no romantic involvement with any of those girls. and that he only loves her. all of us friends have tried to convince him that this behavior is not correct but he tells us too that this is something beyond his control and
he is doing it just for fun and why cant we all view this as a harmless lil fun activity as he views it nothing more than that.
being a close friend we all including his wife know that he does love his wife but then the question arises that why he doesn’t stop this if he knows this is hurting his wife. he did try to stop this few times but he cant resist the temptation to engage with other girls for more than 4,5 months.
so i want to know if this kind of behavior does exist in some men where they genuinely do love their wives still continue with flirting?
is this some disorder and should he consult a psychologist?
Ask him how he'd feel if his wife was behaving in a similar manner with other men?
People have different boundaries, and that's fine, but for the sake of the marriage you both have to compromise and curb your habits. If this feels like control to him then he shouldn't be married. Even most white girls wouldn't be okay with their husband behaving like this.
we have given him all the logics and the wife have told him many times how would he feel if she were to do the same, but he says that he can't control it. he says that he did try but it has not worked and that his wife should take it lightly as she should know that none of the girl was to stay in his life, the only one that has space in his life is her otherwise he would not have married her. if he had any other intentions for other girls then he would have gone beyond the phone calls and texts thing with them.
It starts with the text message then phone call which will lead to secretive harmful things in future. I think you guys should stop him before he asks for more freedom. I am sorry but this will develop into something more and the answer will remain the same that he can't control himself.
On his defense, she knew his flirting habit from before marriage, he does it only with the girls he does not know personally, and any fling does not last for more than 10 days. That means that yes the habit is hurtful, but not harmful to the marriage. It's a matter of concern, but not a threat.
Like it or not, the solution is getting closer to the religion. She needs to initiate going to mosque for at least maghrib or isha prayers as family. If that is not possible then do jamaat at home and ask him to lead the prayers. If there is a Dars, potluck, fund raising or any social event in the mosque, attend it as a family. If tablighi jamaat or some scholar is visiting your mosque, invite them over for dinner at your place. This all needs to be done as a family, not because she needs a more religious company, but he does, and he would not do it alone.
I have seen miracles happening in people's life once they are in more religious associations. I am not saying that he should grow beard and she needs hijab or stop watching tv or listening to music. Do all that, but bring as much religion in daily life as you can. And she needs to keep it subtle, not obvious that oh I need to save my hubby from evil habits.
^^ I think she said they already have a daughter. It's sad.
He might need help. He's clearly getting something out of it where he isn't getting it from his marriage. Maybe the attention? But that is a very sad excuse, "he can't control" himself from getting onto the computer or phone and engaging with these woman. I think your friend should try asking for help and her husband needs to be convinced that this is not okay nor is it normal acceptable behavior in a marriage.
I would say it's height of immaturity and frivolousness towards religion and I know such guys who even after marriage and kids had extramarital affairs with several women. They should fear from this "what goes around comes around".
It starts with the text message then phone call which will lead to secretive harmful things in future. I think you guys should stop him before he asks for more freedom. I am sorry but this will develop into something more and the answer will remain the same that he can't control himself.
yes that is the worrying point here that all this might lead to something more damaging.
although a little improvement in his behavior occurred when he left going on dates with these girls once he committed himself to his wife so he has this much sanity at least.
^^ I think she said they already have a daughter. It's sad.
He might need help. He's clearly getting something out of it where he isn't getting it from his marriage. Maybe the attention? But that is a very sad excuse, "he can't control" himself from getting onto the computer or phone and engaging with these woman. I think your friend should try asking for help and her husband needs to be convinced that this is not okay nor is it normal acceptable behavior in a marriage.
i cant say that he is doing this because he isn't getting enough attention from the wife because as we all know that he is into this ever since before marriage so the reason might not be the wife not catering to all his needs. also i think if it were due to lack of attention he is getting in marriage i think then he would have also continued meeting the girls like he used to do before.
also the guy is very candid type and as a couple they have really good chemistry and all so the chances are very dim that if he has some needs that wife is not catering to, he would keep numb about it or wont discuss that with the wife.
he just seems to be addictive to flirting and we are not sure how to make him realize that this is not normal.
