Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

I would get the some Led Zeppelin albums.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Thanks for all the advice- it is hugely appreciated.

I tend to be a very loving, friendly, smily person so I will stick to my normal self and it will definitely be sustainable. The last time I saw the mum and I hugged her in greeting, she let me hug her. Then when we parted ways (after the 10 mins), we hugged a small hug again and I said Allah Hafiz and she said the same thing. She later told her husband and my fiance that "I am harmless and that I genuinely like her son".

I'm glad you suggested not bringing an expensive gift, because expensive gifts/lavish displays of wealthy gift giving are not my style. That is not something that I could keep up haha.

Someone mentioned bringing nothing at all. Are you sure about bringing nothing? I am going for dinner and I know that just like Canadian get togethers, Pakistani guests always bring a dessert (at least in my fiance's family's circle of friends). That is a great idea about writing Ramadan Mubarak on the cake. Though I haven't converted officially (as in saying Shahada), I am trying to learn to pray, I go to a masjid with a female Pakistani Muslim friend and I stopped drinking alcohol (I only drank it at weddings, or special occasions before but now I drink none at all). I know that whether I label myself as Christian or Muslim, in my heart, I will be the same person. His parents have been told about my Islamic activities so they wouldn't be taken aback by bringing a cake that says that.

That being said, his family has done the total absolute crazy actions that you hear horror stories about so I am going to be terrified to finally meet them. The mum is semi on board but the Dad is apparently still needing coaxing. The mum has a BA but her verbal English is poor so she told her son that she is worried that she will not be able to communicate with me. When I saw her for the 10 minutes last time, she barely talked to me, only talked to her son. It's hard to say if she was intentionally trying to diss me OR if she was just self conscious of her English... His family back in Pakistan is very wealthy and educated. His family here could be described as the same so it has been rather surprising to see how they have responded to my existence!

I will make sure to not be overly friendly when I go there though. My normal self is not hugely talkative so I won't be there either. Do you think they will interogate me?

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

nah, i dont thnk so. I think hopefully, they willl try to make you feel relaxed and welcome. if they offer something for you to eat, take some, try it, even if you dont really want it. Just be yourself and inshallah they will see you the way ur man sees you and love you like a daughter! Hopefully with his siblings around, there wont be much of a problem communicating with his mother.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Why wouldn't you be overly friendly? If that's how you want it or you want to be very very friendly with them sure.. do it. I really don't see the point when people are saying don't bring anything or don't try to be friendly.. SERIOUSLY? why not? Isn't friendliness and gifts always appreciated?? As far as I know, in our desi culture the moms love friendly DILs. Like Afshi said, just be yourself. Don't restrict yourself from doing something you want to do... ex. hug, taking gifts..
Communication issue, well there are a lot of people that don't speak or understand English and that's perfectly okay. I am sure your fiance knows about this and he'll be around to help you. And as Afshi mentioned, do eat things they give you, or at least try them.
Hopefully you'll have a great time.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Give them "fair and lovely"

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be… gift?

:omg:

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Re: Whether or not Gorilady should take a gift to the parents
I was taught by my mom that when you receive an invitation to someone's home, you ALWAYS take a gift with you. Whether it's a box of mithai, candy for kids, or some other gift such as a vase.....it doesn't matter. I was raised with the belief that it's rude to show up as a guest empty handed. I had MANY conversations with my SO about his parents and their personalities. My SO told me about his mom's personality and when I asked him whether or not I should take a gift to her, SO himself told that yes, I should not go empty handed b/c that would leave a negative impression on his mom. So the issue of whether or not GoriLady should take a gift really does depend on the personality of her fiance's family. My personal recommendation is that you take a gift just to be on the safe side. Because if you don't take a gift, there is the possibility that either his mom or dad will think you're rude. BUT if you take a gift, that really can't hurt you...it's not like they're going to say "Oh she bought a gift for us....what terrible manners!".

Re: Wearing Salwar Kameez
I think that's a great idea b/c this is a iftaar dinner. If it was a general dinner or lunch then I would've said it's "too much". Heck I wear salwar kameez when I go to someone house for iftaar. In this particular situation, it shows the potential in-laws that as a gori, you're open to learning the culture and are willing to incorporate it into your life.

Re: The term "gori"
This is the first time I heard of this being "negative". I use it all the time. All my non-desi friends know what words like "gori", "kallu", "desi" mean. I think it boils down to HOW you use the term and what your intention is behind using it.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be… gift?

Re: “Being yourself”
When you meet the parents of your SO for the 1st time (whether you’re desi or non-desi), the parents already know that you’re trying to impress them! It’s no different than a 1st date. When you go on a 1st date, you put your “best face” forward b/c you want to get to a 2nd date! Once you’re in a relationship, then slowly you relax and don’t stay on your best behavior 24/7. Meeting potential in-laws is no different. Don’t do anything extreme. Example: My SO’s mom wears salwar kameez. When I spent the weekend with them, I made sure I took loose pants and form fitting shirts with sleeves and nothing low cut. In my day to day life with SO, I wear dresses, sleeveless tops etc. But I made sure that was not part of my wardrobe that weekend with his parents. It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t being “myself”…it just means that I’m able to modify my own behavior temporarily out of respect for his parents. So while I didn’t wear salwar kameez in front of her (his mom’s not stupid…she knows I don’t wear salwar kameez on a day to day basis), I also didn’t wear what I would normally wear when I’m out with my friends or SO.

Re: Being over-friendly
I’m not sure why you would not want to be over friendly when meeting potential future in-laws. I may be crazy in believing this but the 1st few meetings aren’t about them seeing your personality. The 1st meetings are about you impressing them and making them realize that you’re a good fit for their family and that they will not regret accepting you as a DIL. Your goal here is to make sure that they don’t say anything negative about you to their son after the meeting. You also don’t want to give them any “ammunition”. For example: You don’t want them to be able to say to your BF “oh she wasn’t too friendly. She didn’t talk much”. On the other hand, by being over-friendly…what can they possibly say to your BF that’s negative? “Oh beta your GF was too friendly and we didn’t like that”!! When in doubt, it’s better to be “too friendly” then to be perceived as “not friendly enough”.

Re: Conversation with MIL
My SO’s mom’s English is limited. While SO and I are both desi, let’s just say our “communities” are totally different. I don’t know too much about his specific “culture” and don’t speak his mom’s native language (she doesn’t speak mine either). So while we’re both desi, his mom and I can only speak English to one another! :frusty: When I met them the 1st time, both the parents asked me some basic questions but not too much. So I made an effort to ask his mom questions! I complimented her on items I saw around the house that I liked…and on some things I asked her where she got it. Since I’m not familiar with their specific culture, I also asked questions about cultural stuff I saw around the house.

At least in my case, she was more than happy to “explain” things to me when I inquired about them. So even if your fiance’s mom doesn’t talk to you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t initiate “small talk” with her and show her that you’re really trying to get along with her. Again…it’s not like she can complain to her son about you complimenting on things or asking her genuine questions. You being gori, they don’t expect you to know about their culture/religion. The married women I know with desi MIL’s tell me how their MIL’s LOVE to “teach” them (whether its cooking, cultural/religious stuff or whatever). By asking her questions, you’re showing that you want to learn from her…and that’s not a bad thing.

Random Advise:
One thing I wanted to point out…at least in my case, I offered and insisted on helping SO’s mom during lunches and dinners. Setting the table, carrying dishes etc. Even though she told me that she didn’t “need” my help…I still got up, followed her, and told her that no, I couldn’t let her do it all by herself and really wanted to help. I helped her before AND after all meals. Later SO told me that his mom made positive comments to his dad about that (ie. that I helped her in the kitchen). :tubelight: Oh and as someone already mentioned, absolutely no PDA!

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Shalwar Kameez,

I'm a little bit unusual in that one of my closest friends is Pakistani and I am renting my apartment from a Pakistani family. I feel like I am well versed in the culture to be honest. This all started before I met my bf so I have actually been gifted with shalwar kameez on many occasions and consequently, have about 6 suits! My friend has taken me with her to mehdni parties, etc and I have worn them then. I've also attended other random cultural events and worn them. I will wear shalwar kameez in the future, not every day, not to work but at home or at his family functions, I definitely will. It makes him happy to see me in it and I enjoy wearing it. I'm really looking forward to his mother accepting me eventually and me getting in on the yearly shalwar kameez shipments that she makes after she visits Pakistan. I love wearing them actually so wearing one will not be a problem for me. I have even started purchasing jewellery to match, I have 3 sets of churiyan and some big earrings as well. I'm also always on the look out for sparkly dressy sandels!

I will definitely try to overcome my shyness and jump right in, in terms of prepping the food and cleaning up afterwards.

I will bring a homemade but beautiful (inshAllah) cake that says "Ramadan Mubarak". I will make it vanilla and fruit flavored because I've heard that chocolate is not a popular flavour traditionally with Pakistanis.

I will eat everything they give me. I love Pakistani food and eat it quite regularily actually. I know how it feels to have your food unaccepted by a different culture (I used to make my landlords food all the time and they mostly wouldn't eat it- citing that they only like "their" food- lol).

For the language differences, I know its not a big deal. My landlord mother speaks barely a word of English. So often times, she speaks to me in Punjabi and I speak back in English... everyone marvels that we understand each other but it is because we "want" to understand each other that it works. My future MIL though, in the past has made it a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

His family actually has a load of other issues going on right now. They are constantly in conflict so this is just another problem in their family to them. Unfortunatly since the parents are always stressed, they are less able to properly access the situation and realize that I will be the best DIL to them that I can be. I am such a loving daughter to my own parents. I talk to them every single day. They are a major major part of my life. sigh... I hope they like me.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Well GoriLady.. you seem to know what your doing. It is quite hard to break into a traditional Pakistani family. We have a few "goris" in our family overtime we accepted them and now they are part of us! We all adapted and they love it!

All I say I wish you the very best of luck and take in the marvellous Pakistani culture! :D

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Hmmm OK so it means that though your MIL wasn't being Overly welcoming to you (I mean she Could have spoken to you in Broken English even), she At least was not being rude. Which is decent. And which means it is OK for you to be quite friendly with her the next time you meet. Offerring to help her with setting the table etc is a good idea. I think a home-made cake then is a good idea.

Since you have not even met the other family members yet, I think taking a gift will not be that good of an idea. The cake it should be. Home-made and nice.

If you do wear shalwar kameez then wear it.

And oh, it was nice of her to give that comment about you genuinely liking their son :)

Good luck!

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

lol! funny hehe

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

And oh, if I were you, I would not write Ramadan Mubarak on it. It is a Bit overboard in my books. I would just make a nice cake with nice decorations.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

Yes- that was a huge thing for her to say!!! She also said that we will have beautiful children... but that she hopes they have good values...

lol

I told my fiance yes, they'll have our good morals but certainly not all the morals of his parents (since they're rooted in bigotry :( )

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

To be honest, I actually made a cake for Eid 2 yrs ago for my landlords and wrote Eid Mubarak on it... honestly. lol

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

GL,
It might be off-topic but I wanted to comment on this... You will not be the same person in your heart whether you label yourself Christian or Muslim. Muslims are expected to behave in a certain way, which Christians are not. So really, your entire behavior will be different, probably your thought process will have to undergo change as well - so I think as a person, you will change. Insha Allah for much much better :)

They MIGHT. But stay confident and honest.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

I think its perfectly okay to write Ramadan Mubarak on the cake. I'd love that. lol. Please after you are done baking, do post the picture in the household and cusine section with ahem recipe. I am such a failure when it comes to cakes.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

that is why in east parents are involved so girls and guys dont take this much of a drama and stress. but i think cake will do just fine...or make "Ras Malai". it will put hell load of impression on them cuz now pakistani girls dont cook like their mothers or mother's mother did.

good luck hun.

ps. if his parents dont agree with the proposal tell him and his parents the last Sermon of Prophet Muhammad PBUH "....All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action......"

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

LOL
In Islam we are told that we should not be racist, but I agree us desis are sometimes very much into differentiating between races, which is totally not nice...

That's cool, but still if I were you I'd not do it coz in my heart I'd think they might make fun of it, and think like "Oh she's not Muslim and she's already giving us Ramzan Mubarak cakes" you know? They might think you're trying to butter them up or something. But if you really want to do it then go ahead, I mean you're doing it with a good intention.

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Re: Gori finally meeting the new Pakistani inlaws to be... gift?

GL...

I think you know what you're doing. You seem like a genuinely nice person so I dont think you need much advice in that department. Just be the best version of yourself...that is honestly the only way to be in these situations.

As for what to take...well its custom to take something sweet like mithai, cake, etc to someone's house when you visit for the first time. So, I think a nice cake or pastry would definitely be appropriate and very normal. Flowers are also acceptable.

What to wear...you also know what you're doing there...shalwar kameez is perfect.