Have you ever gone against you parents wishes?
in regards to something major in your life? be it a university choice (living out, far etc), marriage, an event they didn’t want you to go to (someones shaadi, school play, a party etc)?
in regards to say marriage - which would have huger implications in your life.
Did you feel guilty leading to the event? or even after it?
When do you draw the line at your life and how your actions will effect theirs??
Or do you never…?
Many times. In university I choose my own major (which went against my parents wishes). After graduating, I moved to a different city (against my parents wishes). It's been several years since I moved out. Since I started living in a different city at 22, my parents really don't have any say over my daily life.
I'm about to go back to school and once again....lol....my parents don't approve of what I'm about to go study (it's diff. than my college major). They also don't approve of my BF even though they know it's very serious and most likely will lead to marriage within the next year or so.
My dad and I have had open discussions about this. He has said to me that I'm an adult and he will not/can't control me anymore. He has told me that even though he may not agree with my life choices, I will always be his daughter and I'm always welcome to come to him if I need anything. I talk to both parents regularly and visit them several times a year.
So far, absolutely no regrets. I don't go through much of the drama others go through. I make a decision and inform my parents. I don't seek their approval.....even though I'd love to have it, it's not a "need" in order for me to move forward with my life. It's my life. My parents will not be alive for the rest of my life. If I'm going to regret making a life choice, I'd prefer that the "choice" was my own rather than something my parents forced me into it.
Re: Going against parents wishes
I do agree with your sentiments. But there are people who want to please their parents and abide by their rules and make them happy.
And there is a time when it affects your life...! I wonder to what extent it has affected our fellow gupians. Negatively or positively.
Re: Going against parents wishes
Didn’t you post something similar recently?
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/433200-parents-and-their-control.html
I haven't gone against my parents' wishes in any of the things you mentioned. Probably the major thing might be buying certain things that they thought were not necessary or something that I didn't need to spend money on.
Re: Going against parents wishes
Thanks Sara, I have a mind like a sieve lately!
Re: Going against parents wishes
well my parents dont agree on lots of things.. so i dont know when im dsiobeyeing or being obedient..too much confusion!
Re: Going against parents wishes
I would advise you that following your parent's wishes will end up benefiting you. I have always followed my parent's advice and I feel that if I keep my parents happy, in the end Allah will be happy with me.
If you listen to your parents when making a major decision, then if a problem arises later on, they will be there later to help you out. However if you rebel and a problem arises, of course they will still help you, but there will be a 'told you so" factor
Re: Going against parents wishes
^agree, i havent and i hope i never will go against my parents wishes, but there is a limit when it comes to certain things,, like marriage... i wouldnt want them to decide for me but suggest.
I agree with SFKhans sentiments I have done so (so far...) I think.
But I also agree with HNK. Ahh so torn! :)
thanks for posting. Sorry for similiar topics. I will think of more Awe-inspiring ones.... :)
Re: Going against parents wishes
I can give in to all my parents demands bar one.
I will not stand aside when it comes to fighting for my people and i disobeyed fathers words and payed a heavy price.
Now he understands that my destiny is written as what i am will not change and he is proud of me.
But like mother he is sad that of his four remaining sons only the second youngest is capable of taking command of the fammily.
My mother saw her sisters sons all die and she does not want to lose another one of her sons like she lost my elder brother.
But i will gladly throw my life in the fire to help my remaining brothers becuase i am hellbound anyway but i'll be damned if they are sent to an early grave.
Re: Going against parents wishes
Faris what are you on about? who are you fighting for? This sounds a bit.... Ominious............
Re: Going against parents wishes
My battles now are all mental.
But long time ago they were very physical but i wanna forget about Kargill the war we won and lost 
Many times. In university I choose my own major (which went against my parents wishes). After graduating, I moved to a different city (against my parents wishes). It's been several years since I moved out. Since I started living in a different city at 22, my parents really don't have any say over my daily life.
I'm about to go back to school and once again....lol....my parents don't approve of what I'm about to go study (it's diff. than my college major). They also don't approve of my BF even though they know it's very serious and most likely will lead to marriage within the next year or so.
My dad and I have had open discussions about this. He has said to me that I'm an adult and he will not/can't control me anymore. He has told me that even though he may not agree with my life choices, I will always be his daughter and I'm always welcome to come to him if I need anything. I talk to both parents regularly and visit them several times a year.
So far, absolutely no regrets. I don't go through much of the drama others go through. I make a decision and inform my parents. I don't seek their approval.....even though I'd love to have it, it's not a "need" in order for me to move forward with my life. It's my life. My parents will not be alive for the rest of my life. If I'm going to regret making a life choice, I'd prefer that the "choice" was my own rather than something my parents forced me into it.
Good job!
I don't think I can be psychologically healthy without "disobeying" them. Haha.
Keeping mindless rebellion at bay, here, I strongly believe that every person should make their decisions based on what their needs and desires are, and not (solely) what their parents needs and desires are.
Our decisions should be governed by our needs, hopes and desires, as well as compassion towards parents (and others) needs/desires. It is easier said than done. I run into this problem every so often myself.
But over time my parents have come to realize that I make correct decisions for myself, even if they are completely contrary to their views. They have seen me take care of myself. After some dialog (often heated debate), they either see things my way or we agree to disagree.
When we agree to disagree, I often feel bad, depending on what the issue is. At that point, I talk to them (read: often fight) about what their reasons (usually fears) are about whatever I want to do. I figure out a way to either avoid any situations that scare them, or deal with them afterwards - and in some instances, disregard their fears (and throw a temper tantrum ;)).
So far, for things like majors and all, I have got them to see that I know what I am doing - with space for errors.
My parents views affect my life more than I want them to. But I still think I have amazingly understanding parents.
Re: Going against parents wishes
faris udeen: ur life sounds so interesting
Re: Going against parents wishes
^ No it's full of things i would like to forget.
A life of regret and a life full of hatred and more hatred.
Alas the hunter becomes the hunted, the fatefull arrow of destiny takes the thirsty lion in the throat... life loses and death wins.
And yet the plains forget that once distant roar for a king lies dead... but there will be more.
Oh what an end to the glory of our people and our faith!
For what once stood for justice is now a symbol of hate!
To Curious Lady:
Our experience/views on this seem very similar. For me, it also helps that my parents don't create unnecessary drama. They don't continue to bring up issues once they know I've made a decision, and they don't treat me any differently just b/c I choose to make my own decisions. I know plenty of desi girls whose parents give them the silent treatment, or mom says things like "I'll die if you do this" or whose parents just disown them. I'm grateful that my parents love me unconditionally and don't do things like that.
I think one big part of it is that my dad always wanted us (my sisters and I) to have our own minds. He often says how he won't be around forever to look over us or worry about us...and how we need to be able to take care of ourselves. I think parents should control KIDS....guide them once they're in their late teens/college....and after that, once they're adults, let them make their own decisions. At least that's my personal opinion based on how my parents raised me( and it seems to have worked in my family).
^It requires maturity on parents' part too.
When I was writing my initial post, I was thinking about how much I have seen my parents grow as parents, while I grew as a person. I am really proud of them for making it through the difficult times with me (and siblings). They learned to let go of us and deal with us like adults - for the most part.
It is funny that my dad always hated it when other fathers in the family treated their daughters like porcelain dolls. My dad has become a bit more traditional with time, but hey, he succeeded in instilling that value in me and my sister, and my brothers know how to respect women.
Re: Going against parents wishes
so far whatever i have done, was against my parents wishes but they accept it.
:) .. .. .. but at the end they accepts that we might have not think about your future the way you thought. Its good that you acheived your goals and we are really happy for you .. :)
and there would be upcoming clashes on marriage .. :p .. lets see what happens! ..
Re: Going against parents wishes
As an adult, my parents have equipped me with the ability to make rational decisions pertaining to my life. It was their job to raise me to the point where I can care for myself. Once I became an adult, they no longer had that job. I still keep them involved in my life out of the respect for the sacrifices that they made, but they prepared me well enough to live my life according to my wishes. If I only followed their wishes, they would have failed in raising me to be an independent, productive member of society, just as I would be failing them given all the skills they have instilled in me. Though this change in attitude has only happened fairly recently (when I left college), my parents treat me with the respect I deserve, and we all feel free enough to advise, but not dictate the course of our lives.
We should never be treated like extensions of other people, even our parents. Family is not a monarchy, we are not subject to the ultimate rule of anyone but God.