I wasn’t sure how to handle this. My father and mother want a pretty fancy wedding (rukshsati) and want to go all out I guess but it makes me and my husband uncomfortable. My parents have been kinda planning it out but nothing is the way we want it, the venue, the issue of videotaping everything, jahez, wanting me to wear makeup when I don’t, etc. They say that since they only have two daughters, if they aren’t going to spend on us, who will they spend it on? But my husband and me want the wedding to be totally different and if things go as planned by my parents, neither of us will be very happy.
We don’t know how to talk to my parents about this. We don’t want to hurt them, because we will be rejecting pretty much everything that they want and they really want to do this for us. I don’t want to talk to them about it alone, I want my husband AND me to both take a stand but the relationship between my husband and my parents is so new that I don’t want it go bad by him disagreeing with them.
Sarah I think, you yourself should talk to your parents and tell them nicely that you dont want what they are planning but I think if they still insist, you should let them do what they want. Parents plan such things for years and years before you can even imagine. So let them be satisfied and happy with your wedding.
:k: Best of wishes for the big day.
I guess I've pretty much left this up to my parents. It's really their function in my mind. I have input, little things that I like, but I'm not worrying about any of it. Let them enjoy the day. It's a day of happiness. If they want to share that with others, what's wrong with that?
Why won't you be happy if it's done as your parents want it?
Sarah, first of all stop referring to him as your husband if you still have to be married to him. You can call him your boyfriend - or husband to be. Secondly, give some credit to your parents – they will understand what you want. All they want is to see you happy, but you are hell-bent on proving that you are the differentest of all people and you are the simplest blah blah blah. Well, simple people don’t have access to the internet and they don’t normally question cultural norms that are held dear to their parents. Go and do whatever the hell you please, but stop pretending to be this simple pious whatnot, because no one really cares.
Sarah, why would a pompous wedding make you unhappy? Maybe you are just being too stubborn, you are focussing too much on being simple.. for once you can really let go of yourself and have a blast, what better occassion than your wedding. I am not saying without the pomp it won't be memorable, but with all the rasmain, pranks, jokes, colors, glitter, shimmer, songs etc you will have more happy and colorful memories to look back upon.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Madhanee: *
Sarah, first of all stop referring to him as your husband if you still have to be married to him. You can call him your boyfriend - or husband to be. Secondly, give some credit to your parents – they will understand what you want. All they want is to see you happy, but you are hell-bent on proving that you are the differentest of all people and you are the simplest blah blah blah. Well, simple people don’t have access to the internet and they don’t normally question cultural norms that are held dear to their parents. Go and do whatever the hell you please, but stop pretending to be this simple pious whatnot, because no one really cares.
[/QUOTE]
Who the heck are you to even bother offering your opinions on this thread ?
First of all, i am her husband because we have had our nikah. Read her post carefully, she mention its just Rukhsati. You know islam well enough to know that i am her husband, not a bloody boyfriend.
Second, why do you go about blabbering your mouth about her pretending to be simple ? Simple does not mean one doesnt use the internet and follows the cultural norms.
Both me and her want it to be a simple 'rukhsati'. That is no dhol dhamaka, no expensive dinners and huge splashy events. There's nothing wrong with it.
It really pisses me off that you come about saying that she's just 'pretending' to be simple. I know her better then you ever will....
Madhanee, he IS my husband. We are nikkah'ed, the rukhsati is just a cultural thing, a formality that we have to go through.
I don't want how my parents want it to be! I hated my nikkah, I hate pictures of me being taken and a camera in my face all the time, it made me miserable. I hated everyone saying a million and one times, "put on some makeup", "wear fancier clothes", "your mom is more dressed up than you are", "here, my daughter has some spare pretty clothes that will fit you, why don't you change into those?"
I'm not a martyr, I want my parent's happiness but NOT at the expense of my happiness. And if this is supposed to be the happiest day in my life, I DON'T want to be down and depressed on it and I will be depressed if I sit on some dais with women I don't even know stuffing mithai in my face and touching me and making remarks about my clothes, my face, lack of makeup. And some idiotic cameraman making me the focus of something when I hate that kinda attention.
I know I should talk to my parents, I just want to know HOW. The tact part is easier said than done and I'm afraid of hurting feelings.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Chandbeti: *
Sarah, why would a pompous wedding make you unhappy? Maybe you are just being too stubborn, you are focussing too much on being simple.. for once you can really let go of yourself and have a blast, what better occassion than your wedding. I am not saying without the pomp it won't be memorable, but with all the rasmain, pranks, jokes, colors, glitter, shimmer, songs etc you will have more happy and colorful memories to look back upon.
[/QUOTE]
Chandbeti, yeah thats one way of looking at it, but thats also a limiting view in my opinion as people tend to think that the wedding day is the most memorable day. I tend to look at other moments as more precious and there's nothing saying that such more events will not arise in the future.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Chandbeti: *
Sarah, why would a pompous wedding make you unhappy? Maybe you are just being too stubborn, you are focussing too much on being simple.. for once you can really let go of yourself and have a blast, what better occassion than your wedding. I am not saying without the pomp it won't be memorable, but with all the rasmain, pranks, jokes, colors, glitter, shimmer, songs etc you will have more happy and colorful memories to look back upon.
[/QUOTE]
Chandbeti, I want to have a blast, I want to be happy on that day and I will be happy if things are done my way. I don't like the venue my parents have chosen and I hate being on camera. This is not about an obsessive focus on being simple, it's about being comfortable with something and to each their own comfort level.
Sarah, just tell them. The sooner the better, considering they are making all these extravagent plans back in Pakistan. Tell them how you feel, about the different traditions, culture, etc. and how you were made to feel on your nikkah. Just be straight. They are your parents. At the end of the day, they want your happiness. I'm sure they will be willing to compromise for your happiness. Will you be able to compromise a little for their happiness though? Maybe not go all out like they want, but still do something that you know will make them happy. You follow?
Compromise. I'm all for small weddings but I think if you involve your parents they will be really happy. I have to agree with Funguy we owe them for the things they do for us when really they want something else.
For being on camera why not just have the video made, and than you get to decide on the final version, editing and what not.
Make up, just have your make up done by a professional and let them know you want to have a natural look. Who's going to deny you of that?
Don't be so tense about this. InshAllah everything will work out.
If I were in your shoes, I would listen to my parents suggestion and than tell them mine and compromise.
I think you can make yourself and your parents happy.Look at it this way, your family and friends also have a right to attend the rukhsati and share your happiness.Im sure it would make you happy too see everybody together -having a good time.
And hey you can still be simple if you wear a bit of makeup.No need to paint your face, just a tiny bit to make your family happy.And it can be so light and natural, it'll seem like its not even there.It wont make you something you're not, it'll just accentuate your prettiness.
As for the videos if you dont want it ,thats also fine.But dont you want a few pictures of your family and yourself on your happy day? Give it some thought, and just enjoy the day.
MQ, this is not about projecting an image of simplicity, I'm not that fickle that I'll refuse makeup just so someone will think I'm sweet and simple and religious. I used to wear a lot but now I don't because I can't stand the feel of it anymore.
well, what you can do is the let your parents arrange the wedding, but talk to them and add/remove a few things like the make up and video problem
I understand you guys want to keep it simple ( less is more kind of principle ) but both of the parties should have a hand in it.
Let there be a fancy hall, and a fancy dinner, let them invite a few hundred people.
But try to change the little things, like where/how/when you want the video/pics made. Choose your own make up and style
I dont think that should be a problem,
too bad U guys live on the other side of the globe
I love making pics
took 300+ on last wedding
I know you’re not fickle.What I meant was dont put a lot of makeup on your face- because personally I cant stand it myself.Just a bit that wont make you feel uncomfortable.That way you and the family will be happy.I dont mean the whole fake eyelashes and a bottle of foundation and blush stuff.Just something light.
I guess sometimes it's nothing bad in accepting things that you don't like just for the sake of your parents. You're gonna leave them anyway, so I guess it's a good way to leave a sign in their hearts that you did it for them.
they are ur parents, and if they want to express their happiness in that way then i guess just compromise. i dont know.. i wudnt wanna ruin it for my parents, its not only the union of u both .. its the two families coming together as well (atleast in our culture). celebrate it with them and have fun :-)
) but both of the parties should have a hand in it.
