Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experience

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Salam ladies,

Mods, I was unsure of where to post this so please move if the thread is in the wrong place.

Basically, the title says it all. I really want to know the experience other ladies had once they brought the baby home. What were you and your families plan on where you would be staying and how did you find it…

Im currently expecting and am very aware of the awful experinece I had last time and I’m DESEPERATE for there not be a repeat. Alhumdullilah I’m older and wiser now i aim to take charge this time, or so I hope.

With my first and old child, family/ relative pressure meant I had to stay with my parents one month before my due date. I live alone with my husband, my inlaws are abroad. Basically my mum made me work constantly lifting heavy things, Doing strenuous tasks etc. ( from past threads you may realise I have a narcissist mother who has no empathy, sad but true).

She made derogatory comments before my child was born discouraging me from breastfeeding saying how would I be there to show my face in front of guests if I was stuck in my room feeding my child???

When I brought my child home I had to stay a period of 40 hellish days. My mother basically fell out with me as I wasn’t up early enough to do household chores etc. I had an operation which meant I had problems with my back. The point was for me to rest but she was so angry and quite nasty to me as all I seemed to do was cater to my newborn child. I just remember having anxiety trying to hold back tears the whole time. We had a large amount of guests daily and I was catering for them too. My mother still believed I didn’t work hard enough.

my second gripe is she kept all the money and gold/ gifts my child was given both from my husbands side of the family as well as the maternal side. EVERYTHING!! She said that they were only giving it to me as I was her daughter. I really questioned her about this add she stood her ground saying it all belonged to her. The only gifts I kept were baby clothes given.

On top top of this she wanted gold as a gift from my husbnad and
I as she had become a Nanee. We bought her a ring, she refused it saying she wanted earrings instead so we brought her that.

Basically I ended up with depression shortly afterrward. I was constantly criticised during this really sensitive time opas well as being hormonal. Therapy a year after concluded my mothers treatment of me could have been a contributing factor.

The issue I have is Im highly expecting this time, what with meddling aunties, I will be encouraged to stay there again. I was adamant with my husband I wouldn’t consider this at all and he was supportive. But now I’m thinking if I stay ONLY after the babies born for 4-5 days I may get help dealing with the countless guests we will have.

What are your views?
Also please share your experineces. I always thought mothers were there to nourture and support their daughter after a child was born.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Don't know if this is relevant but the experience I had completely put me off having a second child. 10 years later I changed my mind partly due to family pressure.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Just read your OP. Don't know em why you would move in with your mum after the last time.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Don't go and stay with your mom at all. Not even for a day, period ! There are many of us who have babies abroad without family and manage it somehow. Why add to your problems. If people ask you can tell them that you can't leave your home because it will get hard for your husband and older child and your mom can't cone as she has her own family to attend to. Don't care about other people please! They will talk no matter !

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Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experience

Honestly you have a 10 year gap with your child and newborn it wont be as difficult as with two small kids why even put yourself through the crap? Say No! This is stupid youre a grown woman with a family of your own! As for guests coming simple tea biscuits off you go! People shojldnt be expecting big feasts

You know your mothers attitude and behaviour do you think she will change? She wont help you so why do u need to go there. Just stay in your own home for your own sanity and peace. What does your husvand say? Why cant he take some paternity or annual leave to be with you in the first few days. Youre just asking for trouble and more anxiety moving in with your mother. I wont be staying with my inlaws or mother when baby is here. My mum will come for a few days but j honestly dont see the point of spending 40 days in my mother or inlaws home when i have my own home

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

I was 100% certain I wouldn't even entertain the idea of staying there.

However, I guess what aed me re- question myself is a cousin of mine had a child a month ago. I saw the volume of guests they had coming in and out of the house-no consideration to her rest. My family/ rishtadaar are the type that expect an elaborate meal/ dinner regardless of your circumstances. Tea and biscuits would be laughed at. My mum would would horrified if that is all I would offer and she would make it well know infront of everyone.

I don't like the idea of having to cook and clean up continuously behind them and their kids with a newborn 1-5 days old in my own house. So I thought that maybe if i was to stay at my mothers I would still need to help out, but to a lesser extent as my phabee stays there and would chip in.

This would be the only advantage for me.

My poor bhabee. She gave birth and was home within 4 hours.The guests came immediately and commented that she looked as though she was still preganant. My paternal relatives are not the considering type.

My husband will be taking time off work and will be there to help me. But I can't see him making samosas/ kebabs/ pilau/ for the guests lol.

Another thing which made me reconsider going to my mothers is, last time I stayed for 2 months. One month before the baby, then 40 days after. I has literally packed my belongings desperate to get out of her house when the baby was 30 days old but my AUNTIE called my mum and made a huge scene saying how on earth could I leave before 40 days. So I was made to stay.

I know I'm a grown women and could have said no, but i went along with what was asked of me. At that point my husband didn't support me. He didn't realise what my mother had put me through and was worried about upsetting our family. I've been heavily criticised for questioning things. Baby bird, u think u know best, u think ur so smart, u know Jack. Just get back in your place where u belong.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

To those of you who stayed with parents and inlaws, who kept the baby gifts and money?

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Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experience

Im sorry but youre just making excuses to justify your reasonings to stay when you know they arent! Dont mean to be harsh but it isnt your bhabis responsibility and you shouldn be pressured either. You would still have to do stuff at your mums and who knows how her attitude this time would be!

Alot of moms keep their freezers stacked you could easily freeze samosas and kebabs if it really is that important to feed these guests. Unless they are travelling from super far i dont see why the need for so much!

I dont know where you are based but im currently pregnant i looked on gumtree and have someone come kn lnce a month to do my cleaning and makes life easy for me. Ive got my freezer ready for ramadan and will be doin the same again for when baby comes

If this duniyaa daari and log kya kahen ge bothers you so much then go ahead and sfay at your mums but from what you have wrote its not guna be pleasant.

Gifts for your child are for YOUR child. Any money etc u recieve its up to u whether you save it or spend it on your child. Not for yours parents or inlaws to keep.

Sorry this has got me fuming! What about all thlse people who dnt even have family around? My inlaws live in the same city and i hardly see them! My mum js an hour away and i dont expect her to be dealing with my guests in that way. Adopt the attitude that you gotta do it alone and itl make it easier!

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Bellashabba- my guests would all local.

I know what to expect with all my relatives. I want to spend time bonding with my child the first Few days instead of running around after guests.

The comment about it's not my phabee's responsibility- well actually when my parents have guests they often call me over to help chip in. On Eid I make several dishes and take them over to help phabee out. So I don't think it's a lot to ask.

I am not trying to justify anything, I'm shocked with myself that I've thought of staying over when I was sure I wouldn't ever want to. Apart from all my cousins/ relatives coming within hours/ days of baby's arrival, the vast majority would be ladies within the asian community who I have no connection with who are my mothers desi friends.
The only postive reason for me staying would be the support I would get with guests which is why I'm rethinking.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

To put it bluntly I don't wanna deal with them especially as I was recovering last time and could barely walk.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

1) If you husband is at home, then there is no reason why he can't help you with childcare. He may not actually make the kebab's/samosas etc. but that doesn't mean he can't help you clean the home before and after the guests, clean the kitchen etc. My 70+ year old FIL doesn't actually cook desi food but I have seen him help my MIL with prep work and help with cleaning up afterwards. I'm sure your husband is smart enough to learn how to cut vegetables/meat etc. and more than capable of helping with the cooking.

2) You also have the option of cooking TONS and TONS of food and freezing it. Many women freeze tons of food before the birth of child so for a few weeks afterwards, all they have to do it defrost and heat up the food. I'm sure if you asked the household forum, you'll get tons of food ideas for this.

3) You also have the option of hiring a part-time maid/helper.

The bottom line is that none of your reasons justify you living with your mother after the way she treated you last time. You have plenty of other options. Now if you CHOOSE not to use the other options, that's your choice.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

I stayed with my mom for 3 weeks after discharge from hospital. It was nice...I did get help from her and I think I needed that time to bond with my baby.

My relatives did not show up expecting elaborate meals...we did chai, nashta and kept it very simple and they were fine with it.

It seems as if you take a lot of what other people say to heart and very seriously. The priority is your baby though. You do realize that you will never have those moments back again? You will never be as close to your child again? Your first thought should be for your child...not anyone else. If you put the baby before others...your decisions will become much easier.

I'd freeze a lot of food.

I'd avoid going to my mom's if I was you.

I'd take advantage of my husband's leave.

I'd also look into a cleaning service to help out.

I'd keep every single gift because its meant for the baby - no one else.

AND I'd not give a rat's arse about anything anyone said about me.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Op, many women have their babies and deal with after-birth period away from their mothers. It can be done.

Stay in your own home. Being on your own turf gives you greater control of things. As others have suggested make food in advance and freeze, have premade frozen foods like samosas and other snacks on hand. You can buy food; you don't have to make it.

Remain cordial and kind with your mom. Reduce expectations of any and all relatives that have hurt you time and time again...for ur own sanity.

If you are going to be hurt by your mom....then it'll affect your interactions with your baby and even the child you already have. Both your kids need a mom who will be in a good place emotionally. That said...just recover from post delivery in your own home.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Soooo glad I posted here.
My current thinking is, I will deal with guests myself, in my own house. I wasn't wanting it to be a stress factor for me hence the forward planning.

I will just need to toughen up and ignore comments relatives make about me not staying at my mothers.
I don't know - it's always been such an issue for me. What will people say... my husband doesn't give a damn about anyone's negative comments/ interference.

Thankyou for the tip about freezing food and being extra prepared. I will look at the household forum for tips.

My husband has already recommended I get a cleaner but I'm managing just fine currently. I will reconsider nearer the time.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Many girls although they have mothers near by go to their own house after giving birth, it's easier than up heaving their older kids. Why would you even consider going to your mums? After all the stress last time. Your husband needs to help out and you need to get a cleaner.

Where I am, guests don't expect to be fed. They are happy enough with tea and biscuits and they would even get that themselves, but I had many things ready in the freezer like, spring rolls, samosas, shami kebabs, peteez, shop bought seekh kebabs. I took out 2 thing anytime someone came, so it wasn't much stress. Some of my friends n guest even washed up before leaving.

Another thing, I didn't have any guests come until after 2weeks as they all gave me time to recover. Second and third time I had baby this increased to 3-4 weeks as people knew I had other kids to look after. I would get hubby to tell guests you are not well yet for the first few weeks before letting anyone come visit, you need time to recover and your older child needs time to adjust. Cant understand why anyone comes to visit so soon, have they no consideration. And then expect a meal! I wouldn't bother with it, let them talk, no matter what you do, these sort of people will never be happy. So don't stress yourself, this time with the baby never comes back.

The presents and money belong to your child not anyone else. Any money given to my kids is put straight into the bank, I can't believe what your mum did. You should never have handed it over to your mum. What did your husband say about this?

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Then stay in your own home and deal with them how you want to. People will always talk regardless. If you spend your life thinking about what people say it wont get you anywhere

Like i said and the other posts aswell get your husband to help you. Freeze food so it makes life easy for you

The days your inmediate family r lver surely they can help themselves or atleast have the courtesy to not expect lavish dinners. If your bhabi is willing to help just ask her to make you one pot of salan and get naans from outside kf someone comes and u reallyfeel theneed to serve them just do that!

You keep saying youre shocked at tour own thinking of even contemplating staying there so dont do it.

Your husband supports you. Maybe look into getting a cleaner and both of you work as a team. It can be done. If your mothers friends want a full blown meal they should get your mother to treat them!

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

You know the answer, that is stay with your husband and forget about the traditions and all that crap.

I stayed with my husband both times, my mother came to help us.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

I'm confused. What idiots come to see a newborn baby only a few days old and a new mother and expect a bloody feast? When you have a baby guests don't come until at least 40 days have passed. Its to give the mother time to recover and to stop potentially passing on bugsor infections to the new baby! I understand family coming over in the early days but not the whole khandan!
That's just ridiculous. Say no. You are allowed to say NO. And tell everyone beforehand not to turn up until at least two weeks are up. Bloody ridiculous. If they want tea and biscuits when they come they can make it themselves!
And whatever gifts you get are for your baby. My MIL took my baby's money too. This time around I'm not letting that happen again. And no gifts for anyone. Made that mistake last time too.
Invite people to the aqiqah and do a big feast then. Don't waste such precious time on fazool rubbish and daft relatives. Baby comes first.
Inshallah may Allah make it easy for you and give you and your child health and happiness Ameen.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Bring out the fruit cake and meethai and all things microwaveable and be done with it. If people ask why you're not with your mother then tell them you don't want to burden her and that your husband prefers you stay here. No more explanations necessary.

You can't control your mother's behaviour but you can control how you react to her.

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Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi

Throne wood-u stated
"And whatever gifts you get are for your baby. My MIL took my baby's money too. This time around I'm not letting that happen again. And no gifts for anyone. Made that mistake last time too."

That's another thing. Giving gifts to everyone. What a headache. My husbands side are not into rasaams. Last time we didn't give them anything including my mother in law as they didn't expect anything from us.

My khandan however!!! My mum made demands of gold. I will speak to my mother closer to the time saying I don't wanna do these rasaams as my husband doesn't like it. No doubt I will be forking out on gifts for my relatives/ cousins/ aunties/ siblings/ parents.

What have others experiences of this been? Have u re- given gifts as a way of saying thankyou for the gifts received for the baby.