Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
I got gifts and that was it.
I did not re-give gifts to say thank you. What I did is waited for a chance when I could do something for them and made it extra special. And I am still doing it as baby got a lot of things from family and friends.
If it were up to me, I'd have gone to my own house. But at that time I was told that I needed the help and healing time. Problem is, you're up feeding your baby anyway at all odd hours of the night, might as well be hone and in your own comfort zone. My mom helped a lot but I missed my home and bed so much.
The other thing that's really baffling is how do people expect meals when they go to see a new mom? Have they not given birth? Or have children? Weird.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Is staying 40 days a necessity? I swear, the mentality of some people is so ridiculous that I was in shock while reading your thread OP. Honestly, I would advise you to not give even a second worth of your attention to these guests and khandan's batein. People are so crude, it's just disgusting. Stay at your own home and just bring in a bunch of cake with appetizers or if they are expecting a meal (which is ridiculous in itself) catering is an option too.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Aqua70- the more I read peoples responce the more I'm beginning to realise the attitudes of my family/ relatives is not the morn amongst the pakistani community.
The experience I had last time really was horrendous and I'm so careful not to have a repeat. Although I know I have to be realistic and expect a constant flow of guests the second I'm home. If I could I would hibernate for 2 weeks after birth to recuperate , establish breastfeeding and spend time with my newborn. Is tough being paksitani sometimes.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
^ People take advantage of us when we allow it. Either hang the phone/forward it to v-mail or have your husband answer it and tell people that you're not available. Coming from a guy - people are less likely to challenge him. And if they absolutely insist, he should say he's not available until (give a date 3 - 4 weeks out) and people should drop by then. Better yet, he should tell everyone that to celebrate, you're hosting a one-dish party on x-date (4 weeks later) and start assigning dishes to everyone. Jisko aana hai, apna ehtemaam khud karay!
Unless these people just drop by uninvited/without prior notice, it's not too difficult to work around them. And the ones who do just drop by. your husband should call them beforehand and tell them that he's too tired and not entertaining guests until you and the baby are more settled.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Aqua70- the more I read peoples responce the more I'm beginning to realise the attitudes of my family/ relatives is not the morn amongst the pakistani community.
The experience I had last time really was horrendous and I'm so careful not to have a repeat. Although I know I have to be realistic and expect a constant flow of guests the second I'm home. If I could I would hibernate for 2 weeks after birth to recuperate , establish breastfeeding and spend time with my newborn. Is tough being paksitani sometimes.
One of my friends has a HUGE family here...and by huge...I mean huge enough where they make fliers to inform each other of upcoming dawats. They're all very close as well.
After coming home with her first baby...EVERYONE and their mama wanted to show up to see the little one. My friend had a very complicated delivery and was in bad shape.
Her husband just didn't answer the phone from anyone aside from her parents and sisters who knew the situation well. He didn't respond to any message to come over or phone call until she had 2 weeks of continued rest at home and was ready to meet people. They got yelled at by relatives for being inconsiderate and insensitive but neither one cared.
Once they were ready to see everyone, people just forgot what happened. And if they didn't, it was their loss as they missed out on a beautiful child.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Reha- my husband did suggest this although I dismissed the idea as it feels so alien to me. Telling guests we weren't ready is just not done within my community but what's the worse that can happen. I will speak to him again and discuss how he can help.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
I'm sure I mentioned it before but my phabee received her first guest with an hour of arriving home (along with all the criticisms about weight gain etc) Then all the chai/ khana started. My mother was no help. It was years ago but she still recalls the stressful events of catering to relatives.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Reha- my husband did suggest this although I dismissed the idea as it feels so alien to me. Telling guests we weren't ready is just not done within my community but what's the worse that can happen. I will speak to him again and discuss how he can help.
You're lucky your husband understands and is willing to help.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Ok, here in the US, we in the Pakistani community bring food to the new mom. Even the mean awful people ask the new parents if they need help. Usually when people go and visit, they go in groups after setting a time with the new mom( I have had the new mom tell us that she would rather have us all there together so she could be done at the same time). We go for 15 minutes and are done . Of course, there are some close friends who go to the hospital too . Even I had friends visit me an hour after giving birth. But no one demanded anything.
If I were you, I would not even tell anyone ( except your in laws) that you have delivered until after you are well settled in.
Tell people slowly and when they call to come over firmly arrange a time with them and serve whatever suits you. If they complain, they are not worth socializing with.
Baby's gifts belong to you.
When I had my first baby, I had a bad experience with my mom and in laws all in the same house visiting me. My mom came first and it was very nice, but then in laws came and they did not get along with my mom at all. Yes, it was a stressful situation despite people helping out etc with housework.
Second baby time, it was inconvenient for my in laws to come and my mom was quite immobile due to arthritis . We suddenly moved to a new city due to my husband's sudden job transfer at the end of my very difficult pregnancy. I di not know anyone. My dad came to be with us for only a month so he could take care of my son while I was in the hospital. I suffered from a foot drop ( paralyzed foot) while giving birth which took month to heal and I still did not consider calling in laws over as I knew they would only increase my stress level.
My dad obviously was very limited in what he could help with and he left 3 weeks after I had the baby. New city, new job for my husband, just cleaning service twice a month and oh another child in the house who I had to take to preschool with a paralyzed foot. Did I mention I had just started driving again on limited routes after a long hiatus but had to because of my son's school. If I survived I think anyone could.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Reha- my husband did suggest this although I dismissed the idea as it feels so alien to me. Telling guests we weren't ready is just not done within my community but what's the worse that can happen. I will speak to him again and discuss how he can help.
Do it. We've gone to plenty of post baby houses where the mother couldn't come down because she was feeding the baby or having a bath or something else and sometimes the husband would bring down the baby with no show from the mother. It's not odd at all.
And even though you're trying to be different you're still conforming yourself to your mother's norms. You don't have to do everything her way, you do know that, right? She may not be physically there but her shadow is over a lot of your thought process.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Put it ALL on your husband. Tell mum/ relatives etc that he demands you stay at home after the delivery as he took time off to spend time with the baby. If anyone has issues, they can talk to him directly. More often than not, no one confronts the damaad.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Do it. We've gone to plenty of post baby houses where the mother couldn't come down because she was feeding the baby or having a bath or something else and sometimes the husband would bring down the baby with no show from the mother. It's not odd at all.
And even though you're trying to be different you're still conforming yourself to your mother's norms. You don't have to do everything her way, you do know that, right? She may not be physically there but her shadow is over a lot of your thought process.
I've not known it any other way. My mother lives 5 mins away and calls me daily. If I could I would seperate myself more from her but I've tried in the past only for my father to get involved. I always come across as being the rude one when I have my own ideas/ opinions. It will take time.
Pinks- my husband said to me weeks ago- look baby bird leave it all down to me. No one will be stressing you out as I won't let them. I should give him more credit for wanting to help. My mother is very cautious with him as he rarely speaks out to her so when he does she is in shock. I have seen her behaviour change towards me in recent years and it's primarily down to not giving my partner a bad impression.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
I've not known it any other way. My mother lives 5 mins away and calls me daily. If I could I would seperate myself more from her but I've tried in the past only for my father to get involved. I always come across as being the rude one when I have my own ideas/ opinions. It will take time.
Pinks- **my husband said to me weeks ago- look baby bird leave it all down to me. No one will be stressing you out as I won't let them. **I should give him more credit for wanting to help. My mother is very cautious with him as he rarely speaks out to her so when he does she is in shock. I have seen her behaviour change towards me in recent years and it's primarily down to not giving my partner a bad impression.
I really don't understand why you refuse to use your husband to create more distance. The next time your mother calls you, if you husband is with you, have HIM answer the phone. He can say something like "Babybird is taking a nap/in the shower whatever but I saw you calling. Is everything ok? Can I help you with something?". And if your husband is not home, do not answer the phone, but call her back when HE gets home! Mention in the conversation that he's home and is waiting of for you to give him food/watch TV with him/go out for a walk etc. but you wanted to make sure you returned her call. Ask her if she would like to say Salaam so your husband while she's on the phone. EVERY SINGLE TIME she calls, make sure you get your husband to talk to her one way or another.
If your husband is ok with you getting a maid now, DO IT! Get the help so you have more time for yourself and the child you already have before the baby is here. This way the maid also knows how you want things done and does not have to be told/taught anything when baby is here.
You already have one child and about to have another. It's about time you start standing up for yourself. You have plenty of solutions to deal with your mother/family. For whatever reason you're just not utilizing them.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Paheli-u hit the nail on the head. I don't know why I've not used hubby more. My mother is always is super polite when he is the room and always wishes to make a good impression.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
Well here is an update. Had a frank discussion with my mother about when she kept all my baby gifts. I mentioned how my partner was annoyed with this. She seemed quite upset and embarrassed about her behaviour but then tried justifying what she did by saying it was her right as she had given gifts to others and they were returning the favour. So the gifts were not directly for me or my child. She was more upset when I spoke about my hubby's reaction. She said, what must ur husband be thinking of me etc etc.
Well she she only went and handed me a big wad of cash!!10 years after my child was born having kept all their gifts/ money/ gold. I told her I didn't want it but she put it in my bag. Now for the past few days she has been asking me if I told my husband about her ' kind' gesture. I eventually did and he just said she if she asks u tell her I said that's fine.
What do you guys make of this?? I am not fooled by this fake gesture of hers. It was only when I mentioned my husband was annoyed with her she became alarmed.
Re: Giving birth then moving back to live with inlaws/ parents for 4 wks. - ur experi
As for the arrangement I will make when baby is here, I spoke about this with her too. She said she would come to my house so she could help me. My mother doesn't help anyone and I can't see her entertaining my guests or vacuuming etc. With my first born, she didn't even change diapers or help me when I had difficulty walking up and downstairs to get baby items. My husband has said nearer the time he will say in his own way to my family, we won't need help so hopefully that's my issue sorted.