Re: Girls Marriage during Education
MIL is the witch here and always and ever and ever and ever .
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
I did ask her that. She said it just happened, they didnt plan it. Things happen you know.
Is she blaming that on the MIL too?
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
I did ask her that. She said it just happened, they didnt plan it. Things happen you know.
I guess you're right. It happens over here also, women getting pregnant in their teens. It happens more in conservative states where they teach abstinence only programs.
That said, someone should have talked to her about fertility control before she got married. Her parents or older siblings could have done that for her since the schools in Pakistan don't talk about the subject. Can't blame the kid if no one gave her the talk. How raising kids is no joke and you can get pregnant the first time.
As far as the MIL situation goes I'd say it's the guy's fault. Why wasn't he contributing to any of the house work? He could talk to his amma jee, ask her if she could help out his begum and that she is the best mom ever. Moms are easy to convince.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Some Mums don't want their sons to lift a finger.. they'll complain about the housework etc but never dream of asking their sons to help do it.. it's really bizarre..
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Some Mums don't want their sons to lift a finger.. they'll complain about the housework etc but never dream of asking their sons to help do it.. it's really bizarre..
Yes, this is a very strange phenomenon. My dad's side of the family is conservative but all the boys know how to cook, set tea trolleys and even serve them. I guess their mothers weren't concerned about emasculation. From my mother's side of the family the girls are equally as incompetent as the boys so I've never seen gender disparity in the way I see at my friends. If their brothers came in and messed up the lounge while eating then the girls were expected to clean up behind them or if the drinks tray came then the girls are expected to serve. I am truly baffled by this kind of attitude by educated Pakistanis.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
I guess you're right. It happens over here also, women getting pregnant in their teens. It happens more in conservative states where they teach abstinence only programs.
That said, someone should have talked to her about fertility control before she got married. Her parents or older siblings could have done that for her since the schools in Pakistan don't talk about the subject. Can't blame the kid if no one gave her the talk. How raising kids is no joke and you can get pregnant the first time.
As far as the MIL situation goes I'd say it's the guy's fault. Why wasn't he contributing to any of the house work? He could talk to his amma jee, ask her if she could help out his begum and that she is the best mom ever. Moms are easy to convince.
Another friend's bhabi is doing house job, and her MIL works too. So the bhabhi's baby stays alone at home (probably with a maid, dont know) and she is malnourished because of all this neglect!
Actually her MIL was the perfect MIL for some time but she completely transformed later on.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Is she blaming that on the MIL too?
Who knows. Maybe the MIL wanted a waris (heir) for her samdhi's wealth you know ;).
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
True. And I dont get how the same SILs and MILs who were doing ALL the house work before a bahu came home suddenly become paralyzed after their son’s marriage 
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
U need a support system. I finished my undergrad and got married + had a baby in that time, it was probably the toughest thing i've ever done. I had plans to go to med school but there's no support, so i'm just waiting for my son to start school and i'll apply for a Masters program then. My huband 'supports' me... but it's just verbal support. He can't look after my son or sacrifice his time/help me out at home... but he still wants to me pursue further education. If u want to pursue education after marriage, u need a hands-on supportive spouse + ILs/family.. otherwise it is nearly impossible, IMO.
Thank you for a realistic frikkin reply !!
People think that managing a baby and household is effortless, and people can be in two places at once. You can't be in school and managing a newborn at the same exact time. At any given minute of the day, you have to be in one place. Med school now requires not only classes and straight A's with stellar GPA's, but a resume that is pages and pages long. Endless leadership, volunteer work, and publishing research papers. Very difficult to do with a tot on your hip. And your husband will presumably be working too, so it's lip service = yes, darling I support your efforts in school. That's great, who is changing the diapers and feeding the kid and cooking at home then? Someone has to take over those actual tasks for this to work.
You're in a small select group if your mother and mother in-law are able to handle these tasks for you. Most MIL's will not do it - they have their own problems and responsibilities.
It is very easy for these online trolls to say "Oh it can be managed". Very easy to write those words.
I am single, no family, no kids, and with my doctoring job, I can't even manage to keep up with my own laundry and I'M ONE PERSON IN THIS APARTMENT.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Thank you for a realistic frikkin reply !!
People think that managing a baby and household is effortless, and people can be in two places at once. You can't be in school and managing a newborn at the same exact time. At any given minute of the day, you have to be in one place. Med school now requires not only classes and straight A's with stellar GPA's, but a resume that is pages and pages long. Endless leadership, volunteer work, and publishing research papers. Very difficult to do with a tot on your hip. And your husband will presumably be working too, so it's lip service = yes, darling I support your efforts in school. That's great, who is changing the diapers and feeding the kid and cooking at home then? Someone has to take over those actual tasks for this to work.
You're in a small select group if your mother and mother in-law are able to handle these tasks for you. Most MIL's will not do it - they have their own problems and responsibilities.
It is very easy for these online trolls to say "Oh it can be managed". Very easy to write those words.
I am single, no family, no kids, and with my doctoring job, I can't even manage to keep up with my own laundry and I'M ONE PERSON IN THIS APARTMENT.
My family, alhumdillah, was super-supportive. My mom took care of my son when i was in school. She always offered to cook/help out at home for me.. but that was an issue for my husband. He was willing to have her help in child-care but "this is your house - your responibility"... at that point i'd fought enough and was so tired with school + extra-curriculars + baby.. i gave up.
Anyway... point being, it's very rare that all these things line up (husband + ILs + family) and cohesivly help a woman who is a mother+wife to pursue higher education. If it's not one thing it's another.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
^Yeah but using examples from your (or my) circle doesn't necessarily mean it's easy or widely acceptable..
Amongst our close friends and family it's a given that all women should have the right to work or study after marriage as well, that they'll move into a separate home from their inlaws and they'll live the way they wish.. This is still quite uncommon in our culture as a whole tho..
My Mum also married whilst studying then continued and worked after marriage and she married 30-odd years ago.. For every one example there are probably ten who aren't able to..
Yes i agree it's not easy. I just shared what i observed, doesn't mean that it applies to all.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Is she blaming that on the MIL too?
Dude, if a lady tries to remain unpregnant for more than 3 months after marriage every aunty in her social circle, her house is going to have an issue and will tell them.. Very loudly and repeatedly.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
My friend belonged to a very well to do family, her husband wasnt that well off comparatively. Needless to say it was a love marriage. Her dad had only one condition for accepting the proposal: that her daughter will be allowed to complete her education. This was accepted by the seemingly doting MIL. The university was quite expensive, and her father was going to foot the bill. My friend didnt even have to lift a finger in her house, but she did everything from mopping to laundry after marriage. Her father also bought them a car. I mean my friend was contributing SO MUCH to the marriage. After the death of her FIL, the MIL completely transformed and asked her to leave university. That is why she refused to look after her grandson, so that his suffering will make my friend leave her education. As far as day care is concerned, she did ultimately found one. Her own family was in a different city. So now you tell me who is the witch here?
Your friend is still the witch but now its clear that she was raised that way by her family. Rich girl whose parents never made her do anything in their home. She chose to marry a guy knowing that he/his family were not rich. Her father also knew about the lack of money. Why did she get married in the first semester? Why not wait until she was in the last semester or done with degree?
Doing housework isn't anything special. That's part of life. I have a full-time job and I do the laundry, mopping etc. You say she bought plenty into the marriage? How? B/C she did housework and her father bought the couple a car? LOL.....this is a joke right? Again, given that this was a love marriage, clearly the girl thought that guy was also bringing plenty into the marriage since she chose him herself.
Plenty of people "transform" after a loved one dies. It's no unusual for peoples personalities to change drastically after a spouse, parent or child dies. The MIL's husband dies and she changed. But this does NOT make it ok for a woman to allow her baby to be neglected. The very first time that child had a diaper rash b/c of neglect, your friend should have immediately arranged for child care (her family being so rich, she obviously has access to money if she/husband couldn't afford it).
Parents (mother and fathers) need to take 100% responsibility for the child they created and brought into this world. Its ridiculous to anyone to blame in-laws or another 3rd party for the neglect of their own child.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Another friend's bhabi is doing house job, and her MIL works too. So the bhabhi's baby stays alone at home (probably with a maid, dont know) and she is malnourished because of all this neglect!
Actually her MIL was the perfect MIL for some time but she completely transformed later on.
It's her kid not the mother in law's. The MIL did her part and now she's free to work or do whatever she wants to do. It'd be nice of her if she helped but she doesn't have to.
Knowing all these horror stories you should start educating girls who're fixing to get married to wait on having kids until they have more stable work schedules. And/Or raise awareness about the need for better child care services in your area. Complaining on here isn't going to fix anything.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
It also depends on what your studying and what the work load will be like, how many classes will have you to attend etc. I don't know of anyone doing med/dentistry after marriage. But I am sure there are people, who prob live very close to their parents, so the parents prob help out with housework, maybe even cooks meals etc. Some people have younger siblings who come over and help out. Usually,obviously you need a supportive husband but more than that its the girls parents that are really supportive and make it all possible. As per my observation. Don't expect it to be easy.It also really depends on what kind of family you marry into and how much their value education.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Your friend is still the witch but now its clear that she was raised that way by her family. Rich girl whose parents never made her do anything in their home. She chose to marry a guy knowing that he/his family were not rich. Her father also knew about the lack of money. Why did she get married in the first semester? Why not wait until she was in the last semester or done with degree?
Doing housework isn't anything special. That's part of life. I have a full-time job and I do the laundry, mopping etc. You say she bought plenty into the marriage? How? B/C she did housework and her father bought the couple a car? LOL.....this is a joke right? Again, given that this was a love marriage, clearly the girl thought that guy was also bringing plenty into the marriage since she chose him herself.
Plenty of people "transform" after a loved one dies. It's no unusual for peoples personalities to change drastically after a spouse, parent or child dies. The MIL's husband dies and she changed. But this does NOT make it ok for a woman to allow her baby to be neglected. The very first time that child had a diaper rash b/c of neglect, your friend should have immediately arranged for child care (her family being so rich, she obviously has access to money if she/husband couldn't afford it).
Parents (mother and fathers) need to take 100% responsibility for the child they created and brought into this world. Its ridiculous to anyone to blame in-laws or another 3rd party for the neglect of their own child.
Well she was born with a silver spoon, she or her parents didnt think it was necessary for her to mop the house with an army of servants around. How can you hold that against her is beyond me. The important thing to note here is that when time came, she did do everything.
Just like she knew the guy wasnt rich, the guy knew she was rich, then why did she adapt herself to his environment, why didnt he change himself?
I dont really know why she got married in the first semester, but I guess this thread is about the girls who get married before completing their degree, she wasnt the first one to commit this crime.
She was doing all the house work, her father was paying her fee which ideally her husband should have, her father gave them a car, and the MIL couldnt even look after her own grandson for like 3 hours a day? Beats me.
Like I said, she did ultimately found a day care.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
It's her kid not the mother in law's. The MIL did her part and now she's free to work or do whatever she wants to do. It'd be nice of her if she helped but she doesn't have to.
Knowing all these horror stories you should start educating girls who're fixing to get married to wait on having kids until they have more stable work schedules. And/Or raise awareness about the need for better child care services in your area. Complaining on here isn't going to fix anything.
Thats why I said that girls shouldnt get married before completing their education, its neither fair to their husbands nor to their children.
My friend took the morning courses only, and took only one course each day. Thats about 3 hours in the university. Her husband had his own small business, so he used to leave for work after she was home. But obviously there were times when they both had to leave at the same time, entrusting the kid to the grandmother. I dont think it would have killed her to look after him on those rare occasions.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Thats why I said that girls shouldnt get married before completing their education, its neither fair to their husbands nor to their children.
My friend took the morning courses only, and took only one course each day. Thats about 3 hours in the university. Her husband had his own small business, so he used to leave for work after she was home. But obviously there were times when they both had to leave at the same time, entrusting the kid to the grandmother. I dont think it would have killed her to look after him on those rare occasions.
Getting married doesn't seem to be the problem here. The problem is having kids too early in the marriage. Your argument would be valid in the old days when birth control wasn't as reliable or accessible as it is today. Sure all kinds of birth control doesn't work for everybody but with so much to choose from most people can find something that doesn't give them too much trouble(nothing is perfect). No birth control works 100% of the time either but it's better than not using any and saying, "It just happened, we didn't plan it." Of course it happened. That's how it's supposed to happen. If it didn't happen the human race would not have survived past Adam and Eve.
You got the man, now can't you wait a bit before you have kids.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Getting married doesn't seem to be the problem here. The problem is having kids too early in the marriage. Your argument would be valid in the old days when birth control wasn't as reliable or accessible as it is today. Sure all kinds of birth control doesn't work for everybody but with so much to choose from most people can find something that doesn't give them too much trouble(nothing is perfect). No birth control works 100% of the time either but it's better than not using any and saying, "It just happened, we didn't plan it." Of course it happened. That's how it's supposed to happen. If it didn't happen the human race would not have survived past Adam and Eve.
You got the man, now can't you wait a bit before you have kids.
Ummm I am not as well versed about birth control methods as you seem to be, so well I dont know why didnt she use those. But like someone above said, people cant wait to see you have babies right after marriage. So maybe the pressure got to her. Who knows.
Re: Girls Marriage during Education
Dude, if a lady tries to remain unpregnant for more than 3 months after marriage every aunty in her social circle, her house is going to have an issue and will tell them.. Very loudly and repeatedly.
That is when you put on Thor 2 and ignore them... :)