For the girls living outside of Pakistan/India-does this happen to you?
Your parents think you are always going out with friends-but you are really not.
Your parents think you constantly have dinners/movies/birthday parties to go to but you feel you are nearly not as social as your other friends
I have to constantly turn down invitations to birthdays, dinners, movies, shopping from friends-because if I accept all of them, my parents think I go out too much. Even after turning down these invitations, and going out only 2-3 times a month, my parents still think I am always going out with friends.
I get so stressed of their accusation, that I try to turn down as many invitations as I can. Most of the time I need to make bahanas with my friends…“I have a relative visiting”; “I am going out with my parents that evening.” “I don’t think I can make it”, etc. I am tired of making these excuses. I just want to be able to go to dinners/movies/shopping as easily as some of the other girls are able to. I understand the no going to bars/clubs part…but whats wrong with dinners/movies/ocassional weekend brunch?
I completely understand what you're going through. My parents were the same way with me. Im not sure how old you are, but trust me, as you get older, this happens less. When I was a teenager, I wasnt allowed to do anything! Just like you, I had to make excuses to friends all the time! As I got older, started university, they eased up a bit. And in the later years of university they eased up more, and after university, they eased up even more! It just takes time. They need to get used to the idea of you going out, and as you get older, and havent screwed up, then they will realize that they can trust you and trust the people around you. It will also help if they REALLY know the people you are going out with. I found that when I started becoming better friends with my parents friends kids, and we would go out together, my parents were more easy going about that. Have your friends come and spend time at your place, so your parents can meet them, and spend time with them, and see what they are like. And if possible, have your parents meet your friends parents, that may also make them more comfortable about you going out with certain people. Hang in there! It does get better!
Yes, it does! But I just put it down to them worrying. It gives me more time to study instead I guess. If you try to explain to them where you are going/doing in a calm, non-defensive manner, it will make a huge difference to how they perceive you going out with friends.
I am in my mid 20's. My parents whole thing is, you are wasting too much time going out. You should be focused on getting married. Well, when there is a guy they introduce I do spend time getting to know them, etc. But, how is me not going out at all, and just waiting at home for a guy to come going to help the situation?
How long until you finish school? Also........are your parents just making comments about you going out that are annoying.......OR are they actually forbidding you from going out?
BTW, I went through the exact same thing while living at home. At 21, I finished college, moved to a different city, and become my own "boss" when it came to day to day situations. As long as you live with your parents, they will always try to exercise a certain amount of control. That's just part of the "package" of living at home.
I understand, my Dad doesn't understand why I go out with my friends. He used to get really upset if we stayed out after Maghrib (which is sometimes at 4-5PM) and sleepovers were always a big no-no, and he would get moody if I went out alltogether. Now that I'm older, hes really eased up alot. I go out a lot more, but I keep my limits.
Our parents aren't used to girls going out to "hang"out with friends because my Nani told me that they only met friends at school and never knew who lived where, and usually be-friended neighbours and there is the islamic ruling of "shouldn't stay out after maghrib", due to jinns and stuff. They don't like their awaragardi
I am done school and am working full time. Unfortunately, my work is in the same city as my parents...so its not like I can move out. If I live on my own, in the same city it will be like 'log kya kahenge?" For the most part, I dont mind living with them, coz I want to spend as much time with them as I can.
I understand, my Dad doesn't understand why I go out with my friends. He used to get really upset if we stayed out after Maghrib (which is sometimes at 4-5PM) and sleepovers were always a big no-no, and he would get moody if I went out alltogether. Now that I'm older, hes really eased up alot. I go out a lot more, but I keep my limits.
Our parents aren't used to girls going out to "hang"out with friends because my Nani told me that they only met friends at school and never knew who lived where, and usually be-friended neighbours and there is the islamic ruling of "shouldn't stay out after maghrib", due to jinns and stuff. They don't like their awaragardi
My parents are the same way. As soon as I say I am planning to go tomorrow for dinner with my friends....they either become silent or say stuff like you are always going out. And oh my god, all these girls in this country, they have too much freedom...they just like working full time, earning money and going out with friends. Why did we come to this country? If we had been in Pakistan, she would have been married at a very early age and we would be worry free by now.
Ah ok. Perhaps look for a job in a different city? :)
Seriously, I know plenty of girls moved out when they got a full time job in the same city. You just have to do it. In your case, the only thing I can think of is that have a open discussion with your parents about this.
You still haven't mentioned.....do they just make comments about you going out which get annoying....OR are they actually forbidding you to go out?
My parents are the same way. As soon as I say I am planning to go tomorrow for dinner with my friends....they either become silent or say stuff like you are always going out. And oh my god, all these girls in this country, they have too much freedom...they just like working full time, earning money and going out with friends. Why did we come to this country? If we had been in Pakistan, she would have been married at a very early age and we would be worry free by now.
Hahaha......exactly the same comments my parents make when I go visit them! I simply tell them that yep, they should've thought of all this before moving to the U.S. But its too late now so they just have to deal with their educated, self-supporting, independant daughter. :)
Ah ok. Perhaps look for a job in a different city? :)
Seriously, I know plenty of girls moved out when they got a full time job in the same city. You just have to do it. In your case, the only thing I can think of is that have a open discussion with your parents about this.
You still haven't mentioned.....do they just make comments about you going out which get annoying....OR are they actually forbidding you to go out?
Hi Paheli,
They just make annoying comments. And as soon as I am about to step out, they are like what time are you coming home? I will say '9 o clock' if I am going for dinner. They will be like, try to be back by 8:30. Well, if I am leaving home at 6 pm. for dinner...by the time I get there its 6:30...sometimes by the time you get table, to sit down or if someone is running late its already 7 pm. That means I have to finish dinner in an hour to be back by 8:30 pm. Its not always possible to rush dinner like that at a restaurant. Sometimes between appetizer and food it could take 1.5 hour or more coz everyone eats slowly while talking/catching up. I cannot get up in the middle of dinner at 8 pm and be like, sorry guys I have a 8;30 pm curfew.
As soon as its 8:30 pm, they start calling on my cell, which they expect me to pick up..and are like "when are you coming home?" It gets annoying and embarassing especially since many of my friends are non desis.
Not an only child. Older sister got married at a 'perfect age' in a 'perfect arranged marriage'. Hence, I am the bad apple. It doesn't help when they say, "we cannot sleep, eat, think worying about you. we are going to fall sick just worrying about you."
Mid twenties, working full-time....I think it's time you become more independent minded and assertive. Only child?
its emotional blackmail. they’re not going to get sick because of you. You’re not doing drugs or sleeping around or anything, sot hey have no reason to stress. Its just bahana they make to make us feel like crap all the time.
If i’m out late, my parents will still be like “WHAT ARE U DOING OUT SO LATE!!!” (nevermind i’m at a relatives house, and I’m married and my husband gave consent and uhhhhh they’re in Pakistan and I"m here :hinna: )
may be your parents need your attention, may be they want to spend more time with you. how much time you spend together? I mean talking with each other and eating together?
What is it with desi parents and their aversion to “going out”?! I mean I really dont get how sitting at home is productive at all … But it seems to be a running theme with most desi households…
I think if its just annoying comments then you just have need to figure out how best to deal with them. That may mean developing a thicker skin and not let their comments get to you. You sound like a pretty mature person who knows the diff between right and wrong and you’re old enough be start making your own decisions. So dont let them make you feel guilty about spending time with friends.
I think developing good friendships at this age is really important because these are the ones that last for the of your life. So just remind yourself of that and remind yourself that youre not doing anything wrong…
I agree with hareem … try to balance it out with spending more time with the parents … that may actually help with your feelings of guilt as well …
Sounds are your parents are emotionally blackmailing you. You're free to come/go as you choose....but you just have to deal with their annoying comments. As someone else already mentioned....you need to get a thicker skin. And you're also mature enough to realize that your parents are not being rational in certain demands (ie. expecting their mid 20's daughter to finish dinner in 1.5 hours and tell her friends that she has a 8:30 curfew is ridiculous IMO).
As someone else already mentioned, make sure you spend quality time with your parents. And when it comes to your own social life, you have to be an adult, develop thicker skin, and not allow them to effect your friendships. In the example you gave...if you tell them you'll be home by 9:00 and they say 8:30....then you should respectfully but firmly tell them that you will TRY to be come by 8:30...but can not promise that since you don't want to leave if your friends are still eating b/c that will make you appear rude. And as for your cell phone....if ignoring their call when you're with your friends is too hard for you, then leave your cell in the car. The only way deal with this is just to get a thicker skin.
I grew up in a house where I seriously didn't go anywhere. There was such a HUGE expectation for me to do the best in school, that it consumed my life. Even breaks were spent trying to be ahead in school. The little times that I did want to go out, it was like i was going to another planet or something. my dad would call me like a gazillion times, especially if i were running late...it made ME SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! once I got 32 missed calls in a 7 minute period, and my dad was like he was ready to call the police to find me. My phone was on silent. and I'm well in my twenties.
But then suddenly a thought occurred to me...No one else in world loves me enough to call me a gazillion times to know where I'm at every second of their life. No one else probably will. Not even those friends that I'm hanging out with. The one day I don't get a gazillion calls from my dad if I don't pick up my phone, or when im running late, I know that will be the saddest day of my life.
may be your parents need your attention, may be they want to spend more time with you. how much time you spend together? I mean talking with each other and eating together?
I spend every work week evening at home. Talking to my dad while mom and I are cooking. After dinner we are talking about stuff. I dont even run away to my room. I am always in living room spending time with them.
On weekends, I help mom with errands like grocery shopping , cleaning etc and I am with them usually 1.5 days out of saturday and sunday. Every other week I like to use half of saturday or sunday with friends. That would add up to 5 hours or so every other weekend with friends.