Well I have no doubts that they love me. But I would also like to develop some normal friendships. Its really hard in North america to develop friendships without going out. Its not like Pakistan where girls meet at each others place and thats the hang out. It is also very embarassing to have to always be the spoil sport..."sorry guys, I can't agree to spontaneously going to movie after dinner...as my parents had only approved dinner and I was supposed to be home at 8:30. If I watch movie, it will be like midnight before I get home." When I go out, I always have my eye on time, and feel so rushed rushed. Whereas the other girls, are so easy going...if someone suggests doing something spontaneously after dinner like going for movie or hanging out a bit more...most of them are able to stay no problem. I always have to make an excuse and leave to meet my curfew.
I would say just live with it.
I grew up in a house where I seriously didn't go anywhere. There was such a HUGE expectation for me to do the best in school, that it consumed my life. Even breaks were spent trying to be ahead in school. The little times that I did want to go out, it was like i was going to another planet or something. my dad would call me like a gazillion times, especially if i were running late...it made ME SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! once I got 32 missed calls in a 7 minute period, and my dad was like he was ready to call the police to find me. My phone was on silent. and I'm well in my twenties.
But then suddenly a thought occurred to me...No one else in world loves me enough to call me a gazillion times to know where I'm at every second of their life. No one else probably will. Not even those friends that I'm hanging out with. The one day I don't get a gazillion calls from my dad if I don't pick up my phone, or when im running late, I know that will be the saddest day of my life.
This happened to me alot during high school. I was constantly turning down invitation to everything or had to come home wayyyyy earlier than anyone else. I despised my mom for that. I was working full time too so I thought I deserved to hangout. I had to be home by 9 on the dot! I got embarassed when I had to explain this to friends so I was just constantly making up excuses. Later, people just stopped asking as they thought I wouldnt show up anyways. Hence, I left high school with very few friends. I lost a few of those when I started college and a few more as I got busy with all the wedding stuff. Now I got 2 true friends left. It did help me learn who my true friends are. I dont regret it alot because it always kept me out of trouble.
I would be leavinyg at 7:30 and my mom would say be back by 8:30... just the drive time would be 30 mins... lol
Hi Paheli,
They just make annoying comments. And as soon as I am about to step out, they are like what time are you coming home? I will say '9 o clock' if I am going for dinner. They will be like, try to be back by 8:30. Well, if I am leaving home at 6 pm. for dinner...by the time I get there its 6:30...sometimes by the time you get table, to sit down or if someone is running late its already 7 pm. That means I have to finish dinner in an hour to be back by 8:30 pm. Its not always possible to rush dinner like that at a restaurant. Sometimes between appetizer and food it could take 1.5 hour or more coz everyone eats slowly while talking/catching up. I cannot get up in the middle of dinner at 8 pm and be like, sorry guys I have a 8;30 pm curfew.
As soon as its 8:30 pm, they start calling on my cell, which they expect me to pick up..and are like "when are you coming home?" It gets annoying and embarassing especially since many of my friends are non desis.
OOO and now my fiance doesnt like me "going out" with friends... sooo ya my life will stay the same. :(
I think desi parents need to chill out...
Ok so this is embarassing but I will share this because I think it is related to the topic. My mom took me to a therapist because she thought I was being too rebellious about this whole going out thing. Gosh, can u imagine? My fiance teases me sometimes about it.
But the therapist made her increase my curfew time to 10 o clock once a week and after leaving the office my mom started calling the therapist names and said tht she didnt know anything... hahhahahah
And offcouse my curfew was never changed and remained at 9. FML
Have your friends meet your parents and come over to your place once in a while so your parents can get to know them. If they are Desi friends, have your parents meet up with your friends' parents, that way they will feel more at ease when you're going out with them.
I have an over-protective mom and every time I mention going out with my friends, her guard goes up but I also feel she's more comfortable with me going out with friends she knows or better yet, knows their parents. It sounds like a nuisance but it could be worth it.
Also try to give them a good guesstimate on when you will be home, if you run late, keep in touch and tell them what's holding you up.
As much as it can annoy us, they're our parents and it's hard to change their worrying habits. It's ingrained in their genes lol. You also have to understand that it's because they care for you and love you. Don't compare yourself to non-desi friends of yours who's parents would probably not even care if their kids return for the night or not.
Just try to come up with an arrangement that works best for both of you. Maybe go out more often but don't stay out till late. Staying out till late is what worries most of our parents instead of the number of times we meet our friends up in a week or month.
SCREW IT. You are in your mid 20's and you have a curfew? If you are not doing anything bad, then who is anyone to restrict you? Plus you work. Demand the level of respect and independence and ignore their backward thinking.
My advice would be to ignore their moodiness, stop being emotionally blackmailed and enjoy life while you are still single. I can guarantee if you dont take advantage of this time, you will regret it when you get older or when you get married.
I wouldnt even ask them when you want to go out. Just get ready and as you're leaving kindly inform them you are going out. I understand you have to respect your parents, but parents also have to raise their children in a logical ways and have valid justification for their rules.
What you have to do is slowly transition from asking permission to go out.. to simple informing them that you're going out... Slowly, gain control of what you do. Good luck!
I personally think thats too much restrictions from ur Parents, but in their defence if they didnt mind 5 hours every 2 weeks you wud be spending 15 hrs in 2 weeks and if they didnt mind that you wud be spending 25 hrs in 2 weeks hanging out with frnds.
We make our standards high when as we get more (freedom, income, dating) it applies almost every where. I hope your parents can realize they r being to strict and once you get more freedom you respect your parents for giving u that freedom rather than demanding more :)
I know how you feel, my parents were like this when I was younger. I didn't have a curfew as such, but had to ask before agreeing to doing things with friends. I live in a mostly white area, and they were always worried about falling in with the wrong crowd lol. But now I'm 23, they let me get on with it. Although I do work fulltime, I don't have time or energy to go out every night lol. But they are pretty relaxed now, as long as they know where I'm going/with who, and I have money/mobile phone with me they are fine.
But I have noticed my younger sister (19) does have a lot more freedom than I did at her age lol.
As long as your parents know they can trust you to be responsible and that you are safe then you should be ok.
My parents have never told me that I go out to much, and I see my friends at least 3-4 of times a week. I remember that my mom's friends would comment on it, but my parents are cool about it.
I guess it depends on your parents and how they view the whole "going out"-thing. Most desi parents think it's "awara gardi" and/or don't want their girls to be seen out and about to often, and some parents see it as being social, making contacts.
I'm going to try to not sound insulting, but seriously... a curfew and in your mid-twenties?? If you don't go out, hang out with your friends, I would worry about your social skills. I understand that parents worry, but even they need their space... both the child AND the parents need space. I grew in a somewhat strict household in which while I was in college, my mom wouldn't be too happy if I went to see a movie that started past 10 pm. I wouldn't go out as much, but it wasn't that big of a deal, I needed to study or go to work.
But then I moved out for further education. I'm not going to lie, it's a major relief. I love my parents a lot. But the freedom is nice. Being able to go out with your friends really late at night for an ice cream or something. I have a lot of guy friends and it's fun to just chill with them or play video games.... though I'm sure people would be ashamed of me for doing that and they're entitled to their opinion. But I'm not out hitting the clubs, lounges, or drinking. My parents still talk to me everyday- once a day, maybe twice. No several missed calls. And that's fine. I'm still close to them. They've learned to trust me. Sometimes over-protection or too many rules can affect one's social behavior negatively, making them awkward. You gotta be able to meet people to develop some personality, a sense of humor, deal with conflicts, etc. Plus, the more people know you the more chances you might be able to find someone compatible for yourself :)
What you have to do is slowly transition from asking permission to go out.. to simple informing them that you're going out... Slowly, gain control of what you do. Good luck!
Exactly, that's what I did. First, they'll be like, "You're suppose to ask us." Eventually, they'll move onto making a face that they disapprove. Then they'll eventually just nod their heads.
I know where you are coming from! throughout high school i went nowhere at all! i used to hate it...making excuses to friends....came to a point where they never used to ask....but then when i got to 17/18 i was allowed to go out with friends during the day...and then when i went to uni...i was allowed out in the evenings mind you still had to be back by 8ish the latest....and then towards the end of uni im pretty much allowed out till around 11ish depending on the friends i am out with...i dont even have to let them know in advance or ask permission i just tell them...lol....
speaking to my mum now as im older she said she felt she had to control me so i wouldnt be led astray...and thinking about it my friends (non desi) just wanted to go out and get drunk...and then as i got older i myself didnt want to really go out to get drunk or whatever....and even know im allowed out i hardly go out...with studies i hardly have the time...but i usually go out for dinner nearly every week with friends
They obviously dont trust you well enough, why would they suspect that you are going to these "places" if you dont give them a reason to think that. Trust is something that takes a lifetime to build and if it breaks you can almost never get it back. Good luck to you..I go through this my self...I dont argue with my parents though, i'm always home helping out and what not ---