Girls/ Guys with a baggage

Lifestyle Relationships
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What comes to your mind when you hear the word baggage. Does it have a negative connotation to it? How much of a baggage are you willing to accept/take of a loved one, spouse or a potential spouse.

Everyone is dealing with some sort of ‘issues’..some people have more than others however, these issues can become major concerns if you have to live with people-with-problems (whatever they may be).
The way you deal with someone’s baggage could be a very selfless approach or a selfish one…I’m not sure if selfless and selfish are the right words..how would you deal with it?

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BoSS, one word: RUN AWAY (ok, alright, so two words).

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hmmm....very interesting topic...

when i think of 'baggage' i think of past non-platonic relationships with opposite gender and things such as drugs/alcohol/smoking etc...if the person has done a crime like stealing or has has had a bad personal past with family members thats also baggage...

altho i dont have any baggage of this nature myself alhamdulillah....and i think its easier for girls to maintain that....i have certainly messed up in life at many many things big time...
i think making those mistakes humbled me a lot and i has taught me that i should never hold anything against anyone...i try not to...

i dont believe in making people feel bad or punishing them for their mistakes...i believe in unconditional forgiveness and acceptance of others if they are sincere...its difficult to practice but thats my ideal aim atleast..

i wont take these baggages as a fault in the person, i would just realise that they are perhaps just not so strong in dealing with life and problems and temptations...and i have been in that position so i know..i'd feel more sorry than anything else and feel sympathy ....and hope i am able to provide support by being in that person's life so that i can help them overcome...

when i enter into such a relationship with someone i will know therefore that it brings a responsibilty to me to be there for that person more as that person is not to strong her/himself and needs my help more..

this is a really confusing issue sometimes tho...and sometimes maybe i think i should have some boundaries here though...

everything is forgivable as far as i am concerned...

i do have a worry with things that harm the person though....like smoking, drugs, alcohol...i think it would break my heart each time i see a loved one harming themselves like that...plus in terms of family, alcohol has a really bad effect on children...

i wouldnt want to ever force or argue....so i dont know how i would deal with alcohol habits or friendship with opposite gender habits that seem to have the potential to continue in the future and affect future family life...that is prolly my only thing...k how they will affect future family life if continued..coz then it wont just be abt me...

i would still not hold it against the person..and would be willing to forgive past regardless...but if i see that they will have a potential of persisting in the future...i will realise, prolly with a lot of sadnes, that it would make compatibility with the person difficult....and i would think twice about entering into a relationship with that person then...

4

The more baggage the better..the more torturous past the better..the more complex situation the better...

In my life problems and past issues have always brought me closer to people..in fact most of teh people that I know have skeletons in their closet...and stuff they woudl never speak off..but sharing all that lightens teh burden and builds trust...and nothign makes me happier than making some one els ehappy.

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:k:

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baggage = emotional problems, cant handle stress, seeking attention, melodramatic, sensitive and on the verge of tears (females) or easily getting into fist fights (males/females).. thats what comes to mind

most of my life has been spent with people with 'a lot of baggage'.. i dont mind it.. as in i dont mind helping them out. listneing to their problems.. and i think of it as some kind of honour that ive been chosen to help them out... u know the whole trust issue.. but i wouldnt ever want to spend the rest of my life being a kleenex for anyone... i am more than willing to be the shoulder to cry on.. cus i truely believe thats my main purpose in life.. i mean thaz why Allah Mian has sent me here.. i aint good at anything else hehe...

but to actually tie the knot with someone with so many issues.. is a no no.. its called sympathy.. and that aint the reason to marry anyone.. that aint even the reason to love someone... tsk (i can so see myself going against all ive said and marrying someone cus i feel sorry for them... i should be jailed)

irem just read ur bit :) u know the whole forgiving thing... well i was just thinking... there is no reason to even hold someones past against them.. therefore nothing really to forgive haina?

the drugs and alcohol thing is slightly different nahin? its not really a baggage.. its just some external attributes that come along with the person.. these sort of things can be changed.. but the internal attributes.. like being sensitive, angry and attention seeking.. although these can be changed.. they take a lot longer... and these things define the person... could u spend ur whole life with someone like that? being friends is one thing.. but marrying them? hmm?

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
baggage = emotional problems, cant handle stress, seeking attention, melodramatic, sensitive and on the verge of tears (females) or easily getting into fist fights (males/females).. thats what comes to mind

most of my life has been spent with people with 'a lot of baggage'.. i dont mind it.. as in i dont mind helping them out. listneing to their problems.. and i think of it as some kind of honour that ive been chosen to help them out... u know the whole trust issue.. but i wouldnt ever want to spend the rest of my life being a kleenex for anyone... i am more than willing to be the shoulder to cry on.. cus i truely believe thats my main purpose in life.. i mean thaz why Allah Mian has sent me here.. i aint good at anything else hehe...

but to actually tie the knot with someone with so many issues.. is a no no.. its called sympathy.. and that aint the reason to marry anyone.. that aint even the reason to love someone... tsk (i can so see myself going against all ive said and marrying someone cus i feel sorry for them... i should be jailed)

irem just read ur bit :) u know the whole forgiving thing... well i was just thinking... there is no reason to even hold someones past against them.. therefore nothing really to forgive haina?

the drugs and alcohol thing is slightly different nahin? its not really a baggage.. its just some external attributes that come along with the person.. these sort of things can be changed.. but the internal attributes.. like being sensitive, angry and attention seeking.. although these can be changed.. they take a lot longer... and these things define the person... could u spend ur whole life with someone like that? being friends is one thing.. but marrying them? hmm?
[/QUOTE]

:) sadzzz
yaar by forgive i guess i meant k to overlook...
u know..
not 'forgive' k ive been wronged n ned to forgive or something...u know..
i just meant k ignore/overlook those parts of the past

hmm...about external and internal things...
hmmm...i guess yar i was answering the question based on this assumption k its already decided that the person is a 'good person' so then what would i think of as baggage...know what i mean na...
coz the thing is yaar sadzzz k... who isnt a good person? everyone has good and bad qualities....so u cant really say k so and so is sucha nice person...
as opposed to?
i feel k most ppl r ppl such k when u meet them u'll think k hey they r nice... almost everyone is a 'good person' in their own way...know what i am saying na...i mean look around ur friends...or like around here on gupshup...everyone has different qualities n most of them r nice...

baggage thats why then to me was alcohol etc...
and yar bad habits r not so easy to change...it might not be wise to enter a marriage thinking u r going to change habits of ur spouse...coz i mean u dont also want to be always nagging abt it right and the best thing is just to adapt urself imho...
but thats why i called it baggage...

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hey no worries yarra... i think me thinking on different lines.. its the weekend and my brain is holidays..

and yeah i totally agree with u.. everynoes a good person :)

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this is what i thought i was going to be reading…

“bhai pakistan jaa rahey ho to meri bhee aik do cheezain lete jana…
mere ghar waale aa ke le jayein ge aap ke ghar se”…
“haan zaroor, aap le aayein, main pahoncha doon ga”…
so u try to be a good guy and then end up paying for the extra 2o kilos that dont even belong to u… :disgust:

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makes me think of :yukh:

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Western thing.

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Hmm...it's not s question of sympathy...but trust i think...coz for me..it's easy to moan and groan ( I do it all the time on GS)..but to actually tell someone my problem...for me it requires trust...

Am not saying that it's teh only thing you need in a relationship but if you got baggage..I think it can be dealt with and in teh process bring you closer together.

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Never keep more then anythin i cant pack up in 5 min .... nothing bigger then thingz possible to carry in a back pack..... regrets, thoughts about past are left behind coz of lack of space ....

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Wait, you have had non-platonic relationships with the opposite sex? Isn’t that haraam? I digress…

If a person is uptight and wears religion on their sleeve it is worse than any of the things mentioned above. That is the Louis Vitton of baggage…

Wait..I thought you said you have non-platonic expereince…never mind. Unless you have been in a relationship, how Would you know? How could you even fathom to understand the workings of the pair. Where all the parts fit..etc..

When someone has been a jihadi or a dope addict there is no such unconditional forgiveness. Unconditional forgiveness has nothing to do with realtionships. What makes you think that by forgiving him/her you are preventing him/her from shooting up, sleeping with your sister or blowing up kids in a pizza parlor.

WRONG…IT is about conditions. There are certain parameters that you should know beforehand. Whether the person has a smoke after dinner, whether a person has close relationshiops with ex-girlfirends, whehter a person belongs to a islamic radical movement. Get out of the relationship. Life is too short…there are too many fish in the sea and you can still be supportive without jeopardizing you and your kids future. BEcause genetically and personally, evil traits such as alcoholism, religious upbringing can handcuff the kids you might have.

Give us a call when you do. Until then, speak from experience only.

Everything is not forgiveable. You forgot religious hamstringing. Which is the worse evil than all those combined.

Correct-a-mundo!!! Give the girl a ceegaar!!! You don’t know.l.because you haven’t the experience. I would recommend you chime in on cooking recipe’s rather than matters such as these.

So you would unconditionally forgive but still nag the person..:mudhosh:

I would recommend you get a boyfriend asap. Get some experience and them conme back with what you think is the right thing to do. Until then…stop speaking in circles..because YOU DON’T KNOW.

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Boss, Relationship baggage is always there. Thre is no on ewho doesn;t have relationship baggage. Those with no baggage is th biggest problem. That means they have not made the mistakes needed to make on their own to learna dn deliver perspective into challenges that a couple will face in life.

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Irem:
would still not hold it against the person..and would be willing to forgive past regardless…but if i see that they will have a potential of persisting in the future…i will realise, prolly with a lot of sadnes, that it would make compatibility with the person difficult…and i would think twice about entering into a relationship with that person then…
The gist of your post revolves around forgiveness which might be true to an extent but people with baggage are not always at fault. You are assuming they are. For example a potential wife could be in severe depression cuz she can’t be a mother. Its not her fault but that does add to the baggage u are willing to take on. The question is whether you should or shouldn’t get into it. What does it tell you about yourself if you do or if you don’t

Sadz:
but to actually tie the knot with someone with so many issues.. is a no no.. its called sympathy.. and that aint the reason to marry anyone.. that aint even the reason to love someone… tsk (i can so see myself going against all ive said and marrying someone cus i feel sorry for them… i should be jailed)
You are absolutely right. Marrying someone on the premises of sympathy is a recipe for disaster.
Why would you go against what you have said. Why are you so unsure about yourself?

LK:
**Am not saying that it’s teh only thing you need in a relationship but if you got baggage..I think it can be dealt with and in teh process bring you closer together. **
I disagree with your strong faith in the fact that closeness is based on sharing each other’s baggage. It could be a part of it but definitely not the base of a relationship. Don’t ever say that to a guy on a first date haha

Matsui:
** Boss, Relationship baggage is always there. Thre is no on ewho doesn;t have relationship baggage**
Matsui, I am not questioning whether baggage is there or not. I agree it is there for the most part. My question is how do you deal with it. Have you seen the movie beautiful mind? Jennifer-oh-so-good-looking Connelly went all the way for her hubby.Would you do it if you were in her shoes?

Roman, I hear ya man :hehe:

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by BoSS: *
You are absolutely right. Marrying someone on the premises of sympathy is a recipe for disaster.
Why would you go against what you have said. Why are you so unsure about yourself?

[/QUOTE]

yeah... i see a lot of people in relationships where they feel sorry for the person and feel guitly if they leave... its not right.. especially for the person ur with...

some people have this idea in their head that they will cause their parnter grief if they leave now... but to be lying to them about ur feelings is crazy.. if u dont love them u just dont no matter what u do.. u cant make urself have feelings...

another thing people confuse is 'love' (not sure if it even exists but...) they seem to think that cus they sympathise with someone.. cus they care for someone.. its called love... ITS NOT.. its called CARE and SYMPATHY... (i think im repeating myself).. neways i just think its wrong to be involved in a relationship where u r only there cus U think the other person needs u... the fact is.. it should be a two way thing.. people need to understand that ur only adding baggage to a person whose already overloaded with baggage...

and why would i go against myself? hmm cus im a bit of a bird brain :)

18

Matsui...
Short on "your experience related opinions" but heavy on the criticism?

Generally when I hear people talk baggage it has a negative connotation just but its reference that way. how then can you make it sound "good" or right?

Its like calling blacks niggers and then saying it can be construed positively.

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Boss dude..as I said it’s not the ONLY thing…but it can be a way to bring 2 people closer if dealt with properly :k: so it’s not ALL bad.

20

Having previous relationship is baggage. It doesn;t necessarily means it is bad. Your current relationship might not measure up to what you had expereinced in the past. So where is the negative connotation to baggage there?

Your ex-gf may be great in bed but is lousy at intimacy. Your current gf sucks in bed but you feel closer to her. Get the point!!!

If you don;t get it..I can explain further. But I would request you take the bhaipana out of your ass and think clearly..

Bossji, I think you know the answer to your question. In short, "it depends...". Relationships are like strategic planning, you have to do a personal impact analysis at the portfolio level rather than individual attributes. THat is why it amazes me when kids say siht like "oh she smokes, or he drinks or she has the talmud stuck in her butt. ..." it is all part of that portfolio of attributes. someone might love allah.. I mean love...but it doesn't mean that they would impose their relgiious will over their partner. Someone might like to drink a beer once in a while, It doesn't mean they are automatically stricken from the prospective list.

You don't get with a person because of one attribute and conversely you don't drop someone due to negative baggage. (HMCQ, note the clever use of an adjective:) ) It is a package deal. You might not drink but your ass might stink enough to kill all the pets in the area code...so get off your high horse.