So may be you all remember that my in-laws treat me like crap. They’ve never given me any gifts, even when they visit Pakistan, they don’t bring me anything. They didn’t even give me anything on my wedding…I mean nothing at all! So recently, my BIL had a baby and he’s coming for the first time with his wife after their wedding. My mom’s inviting them (my in laws have never invited my mom over in the last 5 yrs of our marriage). my in-laws have never given any gifts to my family either, not even taken a god damn cake whenever they were invited to my parents house! My mom being the good woman that she is always invites them for one thing or another and on top of that deals with their attitude.
Now, the real problem is that my mom wants to give a freakin gold chain to my BILs wife since mom didn’t go to the wedding (coz they invited her 3 days before n the wedding was in Pak, obviously they did that much too so my husband doesn’t say anything) and she wants to give expensive gifts to their newborn. Do you guys think it’s ok??? Mom says “kisi k saath unke jaisa nahi banna chahiye” so she’s giving them gifts even though they don’t even talk to my mom, my mom is the one who calls them on important occasions and otherwise. No one from my in-laws has ever called my family even on Eid in these 5 yrs, it’s always my mom calling them! I told mom not to even invite them bcoz she has some respect too but mom’s saying one shouldn’t do the same if they’re like that. What do you guys think? What should I tell my mom? I’m so pissed that my mom is the one always bending her back for these people who don’t even wanna talk to her!
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
Uhm, if your mom has a money tree and giving gold to jerks is nothing for her then, oh well, but if she has any value or respect for her money or herself.....I have no idea why she would do that. You give expensive gifts to people you love and cherish, not to win the heart of those who don't like you.
Mom has no money tree but still..... And she says "may be with this ek din unhe Tumhari kadar hogi". I know this is BS coz i know how they are when they stay with me. But, how do I change my mom's mentality? Isn't it enough that my husband spent almost $8000 on BILs wedding gifts and newborn's gifts? And even for that, I get to hear "Bhai ka haqq hai". They don't appreciate anything and for all I know they probably think larki waale hain tabhie baar-baar jukhte hain (coz that's their mentality). My blood's boiling since my mom mentioned inviting them, she's not listening to me!
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
If there is no major financial issue then there is no harm in it!!!
Gifts to in-laws from my family
This backward mentality of your in-laws will never change, they will never respect you or your mum , they will never have kadar for you. If they haven't in five years they never will, you and your mum should treat them, how they treat you. As long as you have your husbands support don't take crap because your the ladki wale.tell your mum how they treat you and talk to you, how that makes you feel , tell her not to give gold chain but some clothes etc, to show face, so that your in-laws can't say you didn't give anything.
Even if your in laws were nice to you, even if they did paisay ki baarish on you, your mom's rishta with YOUR bil is not close enough for her to be giving gold chains or super expensive gifts. Some money in the newborn's hand is good. She is doing a dawat anyway.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
If there is no major financial issue then there is harm in it!!!
But why would you spend even a cent on someone who has treated you badly or has shown repeatedly that they do not like you....
I can understand buying gifts in the beginning of any relationship esp with in laws, because buying gifts is a nice thing to do. I've certainly done that with my in laws and I don't regret it. But in the case of hte OP, when one party is so disrespectful to the other.....what is the point of continuing to spend hard earned money on them? At that point it just seems like you're trying to buy someone's affection and position, and that's just.......sad
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
If your mom has extra money to spare, she can always give it to some charity instead of further increasing expectations and the sense of entitlement of people don't deserve a gift and won't appreciate it. There is no need to be a doormat; it never pays off.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
Your mom’s a wise woman; more power to her. Leave her be.
While your in-laws don’t appreciate your mom’s kindness, they might rub it in your face if she fails to fulfill formalities. Some people are like that…they don’t care about their own poor behavior, but they will pounce upon the other person’s slip-ups/oversights, etc. That said, it’s good that your mom doesn’t give them that chance. Sometimes people wake up and see the light at a later point…it’s not a guarantee…but they’re more likely to be humbled/come around if the other person has a track record of taking the higher road as opposed to treating in kind.
About an hour ago my mom told me that she talked to one of my aunts on the phone…and I felt irritated because this woman is not sincere with us and has hurt my family many a time and mostly in underhanded ways. But my mom said she has to be nice. She’s right. Knowing how vengeful my aunt can be, treating her in kind will only fuel the tension. And I don’t want my mom to exhibit the same traits that I detest in my aunt. Sometimes OP, relatives that ignore you are less annoying than those that meddle with your life, 
.
You can give your mom suggestions about gifts and ways to spend the money…guide her with that. But let her make the calls and invitations. Seeing a consistent pattern from your in-laws, I doubt that your mom expects them to be nice to her. She’s being courteous to your ornery in-laws because she loves you and I reckon she gets sawab for it as well. I don’t think she finds it laborious to make a courtesy call nor does she experience a huge loss if they don’t attend her invitations.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
Your mom is doing this for your sake. She loves you. I agree though...a gold chain is too much.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
She's doing it so your in-laws don't give you trouble.
RV is right. Sometimes being really kind to people who don't treat you well is just playing it smart.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
But why would you spend even a cent on someone who has treated you badly or has shown repeatedly that they do not like you....
I can understand buying gifts in the beginning of any relationship esp with in laws, because buying gifts is a nice thing to do. I've certainly done that with my in laws and I don't regret it. But in the case of hte OP, when one party is so disrespectful to the other.....what is the point of continuing to spend hard earned money on them? At that point it just seems like you're trying to buy someone's affection and position, and that's just.......sad
Its just a matter of trying to keep good terms, even if other party is not reciprocating. If we start keeping relations the way we are treated then there will be no relations at all.
RV: my mom would love to have a daughter like you! Lol
On another note, I know mom is doing it coz she loves me but I love her too; I don't like seeing her be the doormat just as I am. Even if she gives her everything, these people will have no asar, I know them! I told mom to just give some clothes to the newborn but no mom wants to go all out....and it's not like she's a millionaire or anything! I have tried telling her many times that they don't appreciate anything and are only gonna take us for granted even more. I'm just sick of all of them anyways and whenever I have given them any gifts, they just show it to my face that they don't care....like I mentioned in another thread, I gave mil a diamond ring and she just left it on the coffee table for days w/o acknowledging. Same with SIL, she left presents unopened for days and after hubby telling her to open, left em on the kitchen floor for days and taunting stuff like "bas Allah ka diya bauhat hai hamare pass" .
I dont get along with this devrani either....well, i've only called her thrice, on her wedding, her baby's birth, and one eid, she has never ever called me and ignored my request on fb too! My devrani that my mom wants to shower with gold n such was picked by my mil from Pak so mil is always praising her, on the other hand I married her son despite her tantrums and drama such as "main mar jaungi agar tumne us larki se shaadi ki".....well, she's still alive after 5 yrs!! Ugghhh!
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
gold chain is out there, a more simple gift like clothes or a playtoy is better.
Sounds exactly like my mom lol
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
Goodname made a good point about your in-laws expecting gifts equivalent to the gold chain in the future. Your mom might end up starting something she may not be able to keep up with. Bring this up with her and see what she says.
Gifts to in-laws from my family
Keep it small and formal because you really don't want to raise their expectations in the future come gift-giving time. I agree with RV that sometimes showing kindness is necessary to keep them civil.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
Its just a matter of trying to keep good terms, even if other party is not reciprocating. If we start keeping relations the way we are treated then there will be no relations at all.
Honestly, I'm surprised by most of the posts in this thread, so maybe I just don't see it. I get the point of being civil and wanting to be kind...that's fine....but one can also be kind with regular gifts than gold/diamonds! giving gold itself just seems way too out there for me IMO
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
I have to agree with Sara. OP's mother is setting the bar too high for herself.
Infact a lot of people do that. They give more than they can afford to give.
I agree with her way of thinking: if others are being nasty, you don't low yourself to their level.
But you should not go overboard by buying expensive gifts and gold.
They don't even deserve it.
Re: Gifts to in-laws from my family
But, how do I change my mom's mentality?
If your goal is to change you rmother's mentality.....I can already tell you that you won't be able to do that. She is who she is. You either accept it or you don't. You've already told her how you feel. As an adult woman, you mother is entitled to follow HER decision even when you don't agree with it. For whatever reason, she is choosing to spend her money, time/effort into being nice to your in-laws. She's very aware of their personality by now. So if you truly love your mother....support the decision she has made even if you don't agree with it.