As much as I have observed, the situation was worse in this regard in our society some fifteen twenty years back, when many girls' families were provided with lists of things the guy's family would like to have in Jahez. Things have become somewhat better as the common thinking from groom's side has become: don't ask for anything specific, but let them give their daughter whatever they want to. There are exceptions of course, people with particular demands and those who totally deny everything but majority now believes in, "maango mat, par jo aa raha hay usay aanay do."
On the other hand, the bride's family is always afraid of their girl being looked down upon in susraal, if not sent with all the necessary furniture, home appliances, jewelry and what not. And then there are always the matters of showing off and/or not letting people say "haw haye, dhee noon kujh ditta he nai." Unfortunately, many girls themselves are not considerate when it comes to their marriage and push their families to buy them best of everything, not taking into account many other expenses related with the whole process.
A friend who was set to get married right after Eid told last week that things have gone astray and he is no more getting married. Reason? The engagement took place two years ago and during this period, through settling down of one of girl's brothers in middle east, her family became more well off than it used to be. A month ago, friend was told by girl's father that the portion of his (friend's) family home dedicated for the future couple (two considerably large rooms and a kitchen) is not large enough to accommodate their daughter's jahez. So they asked for more space or an all-together separate house. This demand didn't bode well with friend and his family. There were many sittings between elders from both sides but no settlement could be made and the ties were cut in the end.
Pity that a petty issue like this couldn't be resolved. But perhaps continuous arising of such petty issues from all corners of society is a greater concern. .
No dowry/jahez for myself or my siblings except for one bhabi who is from Pakistan. My brother was very firm about not receiving any jahez etc as she was going oversees , but my bhabi ended up bringing a massive bedroom set, which was completely uncalled for. She does not live in Pakistan, so that bedroom set is used by other family members who live in the house in Pakistan.
I was the first sib to be married, and my parents did not give anything, except for my clothes and some jewellery. My in laws at the time were very adamant about no jahez etc, and they are still like that. Once I arrived in the US, people talked and talked about how I had not brought any jahez/dowry etc, and this from folks living in million dollar homes. On my walima, which was a gorgeous affair, my parents were so upset, as they told me what 'others' had been saying. My parents actually asked me if they should buy me a bedroom/ dining room/ living room set. I was so shocked, and said to my parents, " is my worth that of a dining table? I'll finish this marriage right now." As u can imagine, my parents did not buy anything.
People talk, and will always talk. You can't change that.
It's still a very common practice, even here in the US. I have heard of well to do families with a laundry list of items the girl is supposed to include in her jahaiz. On the same token, I have heard of bride's families who supplied extravagant gifts even when it was refused by the groom's side. Those gifts are usually not so much for their daughter girl as much it is a blatant status/power play for the community. Sad on all counts. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I have never understood the concept of furniture and appliances for a girl whose supposed to be living with her inlaws?! Like that Bhabi who brought furniture with her for a house she's not even living in. Why would a family WANT to waste that money on something that will go to someone else and not even used for the purpose it was for, to help the girl setup her home?! (Not the inlaws home?) How do you bring appliances with you when you'll only be living out of a one bedroom of your inlaws house or not even at all?! I haven't seen that in my community, most girls are given cash now at least that's what was all done for my friends and I. We all started living with our inlaws in the beginning. Why would I waste money on appliances when my husbands house already had some? It doesn't make sense.
The way it worked for us was that my husband payed for his entire wedding on his own so when he was setting up our room I wanted to buy the furniture myself once I got there so he didn't buy anything and we waited till after I moved in because i wanted to pick it myself. My parents gave me the cash for my furniture as my jahez so that's what I used when I got there because my husband had already done so much with all of the other expenses so I wanted to help us in that way. He never asked us to, i told him from the beginning since I preferred to pick it that I would also pay for it. He always said no that doesn't matter just get what you like because you'll be in this room most. He payed for anything remaining that my cash didnt cover so I don't see anything wrong with jahez in that aspect? But it should be suttle in my opinion. Cash or something for the couple to use at their own discretion if they wish NOT to decorate the inlaws house. If you know your daughters going to be moving in to her inlaws it makes no sense to put her up in their home the way U want. For me it makes more sense to send the girl with cash if you must because it is still tradition for most that families carry out, it's just impractical to send her with a washing machine and fancy dishes and silver platters when it's not her own home yet.
Jahez was still important to my parents so they insisted on sending me with cash to use as I saw fit once I got there. I don't know it makes sense to me? My mom gifted me dishes and stuff but I didn't even know about it till she brought those things for me after we moved into our own place after a few years. She's a collector so she had been slowly getting things for us over the years because we always had plans to move out. This worked for us, there was no show and tell involved so it didn't feel materialistic more practical than anything to help stay within our means as possible on both sides.
I can also understand people's disgust. One of my friends told me how her inlaws demanded things as well. To the point where her FIL was giving her mother his seam measurements! No joke, real story.
My professor once told the story of his daughter's marriage....right on the barat day the groom's family demanded a car, and thought springing this on barat will get them one as the bride's family will have no other option (being the wedding day and all)....my prof. being one of his kind ended the wedding saying I may give my daughter an aeroplane but I will not give these greedy people even the wheel of a bicycle!!
When looking for rishtas for the girls in my family, any family demanding gifts was instantly rejected, no matter how good the rishta was on paper. My dad and uncles were more than happy to give expensive gifts to their daughters, but being asked/nagged for something was a clear indicator that the other family's core values clash with our own.
In my own wedding, my parents gave gifts to my husband's first family only - mostly clothes and jewelry. No furniture and household stuff though.. I laugh to think of my MIL's reaction had I come in with say a fridge and washing machine. Since hubby and I live in the US, she would have lost sleep over where to keep everything! We had agreed to not bother with figuring out gifts for the other side's aunts and uncles and cousins - they bought gifts for their extended family and we did the same for ours. Didn't have to worry about buying stuff for people whose tastes we didn't really know.
Oh and speaking of dowry, my friend once went to a wedding where it is expected that the bride’s family give her a completely new wardrobe to begin a new life. Apparently she is not to carry a single used item to her husband’s place Anyhooo… the girl’s parents were super rich, and they had a room in the banquet hall where they displayed all the gifts they were giving her. Soo in the clothes section they had displayed literally everything.. including lingerie. The bride’s mom was proudly showing it off to the guests saying dekho, sab imported hai
I went to a wedding where the girl's family had to gift a car...this car was proudly displayed at the entrance of the banquet hall when guests walked in.
I went to a wedding where the girl's family had to gift a car...this car was proudly displayed at the entrance of the banquet hall when guests walked in.
So weird to me...why do people do such things?
I attended a similar wedding.
The car was proudly displayed in the spot closest to the entrance to the banquet hall and the keys were handed to the couple on stage after an announcement was made that no payment needed to be made.
To this family it was all very appropriate and acceptable.
Sadly I'm also familiar with a situation where the groom and his family insisted that they wanted nothing but the bride (because unn kay paas Allah ka diya hua sab kuch tha) but a few months after the wedding the bride was subjected to whisperings that the MIL was so embarrassed when some close friends and neighbours were asking kay "bahu kya lay'ee hai?"
Not only the demanding but the irony that in a culture where Pakistani mardaangi means dismissing pleas from a wife to get more religious, or conversely forcing religious garb on her, or where men debate whether they should marry a SAHM because tradition dictates the man being the providor, we have men's families getting free household furniture, cars, gold from the woman's family.
If I don't give gifts to anyone in the opposite side of the family OR my extended family, am I gonna look bad? I'd rather use the money on saving up for my kids' education.
If I don't give gifts to anyone in the opposite side of the family OR my extended family, am I gonna look bad? I'd rather use the money on saving up for my kids' education.
What is the issue here, that giving "gifts" is an evil practice, full stop. Or giving certain types of gifts is a totally unnecessary practice which sets up a wrong precedent?
the thing is, we are ignoring the fact that there is a wisdom behind such traditions of giving gifts to relatives at the time of wedding.
it all started when we loved our relatives, poor and rich, and their presence at the wedding was of utmost importance. we know that there are relatives who are not well off and who can not attend weddings of their loved ones due to lack of funds needed to buy clothes and to pay for the fare.
this is the reason why in old days, they used to present clothes and pay for their fares to get to the wedding [locally]. i remember my dad used to pay for ikka/rickshaw fares every close relatives who came to the wedding and they needed help.
we've now, unfortunately, taken this much needed tradition to a new level where the intentions are to show off how well off they are. :(
At wedding time, both girl and boy's family give each other gifts, and in some families, the practice of dowry is still being done, even though it's forbidden in Islam.
What were you expected to gift at wedding time? I sometimes feel like each family is expecting a certain amount of gifts, and if they don't get as much as they did when another kid in the family got married, they use that as a point of comparison.
I remember that for my uncles, one uncle made the mistake of agreeing to wife's family giving a dowry, and the woman brought with her bedroom furniture. She plopped the bed and chairs down and then claimed the entire room as hers. Even when she moved out, because her furniture was still there, she still considered it HER room, and would ask that only she sleep there when she visited, kicking everyone else out, and then throwing hissy fits if her SIL's and MIL slept on the bed when she was not there. She lives in another country, btw, for crying out loud, and the home has just two bedrooms, and so just because her stuff is there in one room, now the family can't use that room even though she doesn't even live in the bloody country anymore.
So after that my grandmother was like NO MORE JEHAZ whenever another son would get married and another woman would come in.
Giving Jahez as in parents giving their daughter things at the of marriage is ok according to Islam. In-laws making ridiculous demands according to their own desires is where you have a problem. In your uncle's case, if the wife brought the stuff by her own free will and not being pressured into it (by in-laws), there's nothing wrong with it in principle. As for the family's issue, if she's giving them trouble with the furniture in there, then I'd tell her she's free to take it whenever she wants.
Anyhooo… the girl’s parents were super rich, and they had a room in the banquet hall where they displayed all the gifts they were giving her. Soo in the clothes section they had displayed literally everything.. including lingerie. The bride’s mom was proudly showing it off to the guests saying dekho, sab imported hai 
