At wedding time, both girl and boy’s family give each other gifts, and in some families, the practice of dowry is still being done, even though it’s forbidden in Islam.
What were you expected to gift at wedding time? I sometimes feel like each family is expecting a certain amount of gifts, and if they don’t get as much as they did when another kid in the family got married, they use that as a point of comparison.
I remember that for my uncles, one uncle made the mistake of agreeing to wife’s family giving a dowry, and the woman brought with her bedroom furniture. She plopped the bed and chairs down and then claimed the entire room as hers. Even when she moved out, because her furniture was still there, she still considered it HER room, and would ask that only she sleep there when she visited, kicking everyone else out, and then throwing hissy fits if her SIL’s and MIL slept on the bed when she was not there. She lives in another country, btw, for crying out loud, and the home has just two bedrooms, and so just because her stuff is there in one room, now the family can’t use that room even though she doesn’t even live in the bloody country anymore.
So after that my grandmother was like NO MORE JEHAZ whenever another son would get married and another woman would come in.
I bring this up, because in another thread, one of the girls says that her FIL wanted a gold ring at time of marriage. I find that hard to believe that people do that kind of crap.
Oh yes PCG...people still do that even after living in western countries. I know someone who got married, a couple of years ago. Her parents bought gold bangle sets for the mother in law, a really expensive watch for the FIL. When they gave the gifts, the MIL just looked at the bangles, made a face and looked away. No smile, no thank yous, no hugs nothing. I was sooo shocked.
I have also noticed this, the in-laws will say please we do not want anything we just want your daughter...but secretly they are expecting the parents to still give dowry and gifts.
My parents wanted NOTHING from the wedding - and got NOTHING from the wedding
We gave small gifts to my hubbys family , shirts for the men and suits for the women. Hubby got a new watch - however one of his brothers very rudely declined my parents gift ON STAGE. worst part of my barat - i had to get that cut from our wedding video... it sucks how people can be so inconsiderate.
I so hate the Drowry concept! I will never accept a drowry from my daughter in law! Yes for my wedding aside from asking what they will get during wedding ceremony which was Gold bangles for MIL and Gold necklace, earring set for SIL and watches for BILS. My In laws demanded a gold ring for FIL! I was so shocked and embarrassed on behalf of my husband parents. I had love marriage. I didn't know, it was going to be like this! Ofcourse For the groom, my parents had choosen expensive branded watch and wedding band (diamond). The gift should be only for the groom not whole family!! Ironically, being the only an first BAHU in the family I got no Ring! Not even a single wedding or any gold ring! What has the world come to?! That's not only it, I even hate the rasam where you have to gift the groom extended family too! Where the hell do they come from?!
My in laws gifted me for my walima one Gold set to go for my walima outfit which has no ring, just heavy earrings and necklace! My tikka and nose ring was fake! And gold bangles set. This is coming from those people who show off their richness etc and we will give you this and that!!
My parents on the other hand gave me more than one gold sets! I didn't wanted any but they just gave me as it was their wish. And I also didn't even want the furniture set either (bedroom and living). But my parents knowing the nature of my in laws said its for your respect in the in laws!
PCG, lol I understand the DIL point of view too! I also would never want my SIL or MIL to sleep in my room even though they have enough bedrooms. During my SIL wedding, I went to pk and found out she was using my bedroom because there was my new bridal set on the bed! I was so angry! Ofcourse I didn't say anything but I was disturbed. Even my wardrobe was thoroughly checked because my things were not in the right place. Had new clothes there that I got from my parents.
I love my parents dearly! If ever they need more money, I will instantly give my gold to them. But never to my in laws.
Oh yeah, they wanted the gifts on the stage and even "proudly" displayed to whole world as if they won a trophy! God, it looks so Embarassing on the video!
But it's not YOUR bedroom. They granted you and husband some space temporarily, and now you live somewhere else so THAT'S where YOUR bedroom is. The MIL's home is her home and she and her family sleep where they want. Just because you put some furniture there doesn't make it YOUR bedroom. In fact you shouldn't have taken furniture for a room that you're not going to live in anyway.
In fact why would you leave your clothes and belongings at the in laws in the first place when you live elsewhere with your husband, then move all that stuff.
My in laws gifted me for my walima one Gold set to go for my walima outfit which has no ring, just heavy earrings and necklace! My tikka and nose ring was fake! And gold bangles set. This is coming from those people who show off their richness etc and we will give you this and that!!
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So hopefully the "heaviness" of the earrings and necklace made up for the missing ring. If they had been halke phulke, it would be a much bigger sin. Of course the heaviness of a set does not necessarily mean your in-laws will be that much in love with you. Sometimes it's an inversely proportional equation where the heavier the gold set, the less the in-laws will respect you. And how much joy can a woman really feel wearing a gift given by people whom she knows don't even like her? How much fun would it be to wear it? If it isn't...then why get so worked up about it now when it's over and done with? You're not going to wear the gold sets gifted to you by in-laws and your parents that often in your life. Just to major functions, not to work or to bed. All the while, they will collect zakaat that will have to be paid yearly by your husband (if that has even occurred to him or you). So maybe there is sort of a silver lining to the artificial teeka....that your forehead will rarely see....or the artificial nose ring......that you will never wear again especially if it's that big hoop one. No guest or friend will closely examine your jewelry and ask "Kya yeh sonay ka hai ya arteefeeshul hai?" You may not be able to sell the fake stuff, but at least you won't pay a yearly price on it either. And your husband could have gotten you the ring, at least the ring from his own earnings as HIS gift to you, if his parents didn't care to cuz after all it was his love marriage. Why not get mad at the husband and only fume at his parents? Although now with a baby on the way it's pointless and hopefully you're wearing that coveted ring. It's not just the dowry expectation itself that is un-Islamic. Even the expectation of a ring and other rasams that we are attached to have no place in Islam either. It's easier to point out others' mistakes and not see our own. If you don't do the asking but engage in the giving, you're still part of the problem even if it's done as a safety precaution to maintain respect of in-laws, which many times the bahu still doesn't get.
Excuse me ladies.... but how should a guy (or his family) say that they don't dowry and make girls' parents understand it. The problem I have observed is that even when it is said with good intentions and by all means... the girls' parents still don't believe you and come up with excuses to give dowry, like my brother gave this and this to his daughter, how can I not give to mine or this is tradition what will our relatives say.
The point is some people will just give dowry no matter how much groom opposes it. In such situations what can be the alternative? Is it okay for a groom to ask that don't dowry instead put the money in your daughters' name in the bank or buy her some jewelry with that money?
Excuse me ladies.... but how should a guy (or his family) say that they don't dowry and make girls' parents understand it. The problem I have observed is that even when it is said with good intentions and by all means... the girls' parents still don't believe you and come up with excuses to give dowry, like my brother gave this and this to his daughter, how can I not give to mine or this is tradition what will our relatives say.
The point is some people will just give dowry no matter how much groom opposes it. In such situations what can be the alternative? Is it okay for a groom to ask that don't dowry instead put the money in your daughters' name in the bank or buy her some jewelry with that money?
In Pakistani culture you can't. Everybody thinks everybody is fake.
Excuse me ladies.... but how should a guy (or his family) say that they don't dowry and make girls' parents understand it. The problem I have observed is that even when it is said with good intentions and by all means... the girls' parents still don't believe you and come up with excuses to give dowry, like my brother gave this and this to his daughter, how can I not give to mine or this is tradition what will our relatives say.
The point is some people will just give dowry no matter how much groom opposes it. In such situations what can be the alternative? Is it okay for a groom to ask that don't dowry instead put the money in your daughters' name in the bank or buy her some jewelry with that money?
I don't see why they cannot ask for this...they should. It makes much more sense than jahaiz...yuck.
Excuse me ladies.... but how should a guy (or his family) say that they don't dowry and make girls' parents understand it. The problem I have observed is that even when it is said with good intentions and by all means... the girls' parents still don't believe you and come up with excuses to give dowry, like my brother gave this and this to his daughter, how can I not give to mine or this is tradition what will our relatives say.
The point is some people will just give dowry no matter how much groom opposes it. In such situations what can be the alternative? Is it okay for a groom to ask that don't dowry instead put the money in your daughters' name in the bank or buy her some jewelry with that money?
Respect!
Only if my parents understood that as well. My fiance did say to my parents that he nor his parents doesn't want anything, and he even felt guilty that my parents were 'gifting' me so much, by all my parents said was that this is a part of tradition now and we don't want people talking. I love them dearly but I wish they wouldn't spend so much on the wedding, money in the bank would have been better, comparatively.
If she comes in with jahaiz like money or bonds or property, etc, then don't touch it. Just say, hey that is a gift from your family to you, now it's in your keeping. You have a CHOICE to not touch the jahaiz in the first place.
But if it's something like furniture, that approach doesn't work. I mean, I don't know what you do when they show up to your door with furniture movers. Tell them to go away?
So even girls dislike it when money gets wasted on dowry? I wouldn't want a dowry. I have my own junk I've accumulated over the years, and that's what I'm coming with. Same old pots and pans I've been using since college.
So even girls dislike it when money gets wasted on dowry? I wouldn't want a dowry. I have my own junk I've accumulated over the years, and that's what I'm coming with. Same old pots and pans I've been using since college.
At least you know your place is in the kitchen! :D
