I’ve noticed in a number of dramas recently that a number of women have been (one way or another) tricked into marrying mentally ill men. Since it’s been shown so often, it got me wondering if it actually rampant in our society/culture.
If so, how do such wives deal with their husbands and their families? Do they leave their husbands or do they actually live with them (as shown in the dramas)?
And God forbid, what should one do if ever faced with such a situation?
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Another reminder on why it is recommended to know at least a LITTLE about your spouse before signing your life away.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Is it relaly that hard to disguise mental illness? I know something like sterility or AIDS is very easy to hide, but mental illness?
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
angaan bhaar chandani right .. maan i cant believe that !!!
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
It's a way of cheating if the person you're going to marry doesn't know something as important as that! If the bride didn't know before the wedding, I think she has the right to ask for divorce if it's a bad case and she feels she can't handle that situation.
I don't like the idea of not really knowing each other before the wedding. I've seen many many cases with unhappy couples who didn't know each other that well, they just married because they were cousins but never spend that much time together, or their families made the decision to marry them to their friends children or something.
People should be engaged for a long time and get to know each other. Talk a lot and visit each others families often before the wedding.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
I dont know about the tricking part but sometimes girls are "given" in marriage to a boy who has some kind of mental disability.
This happens in Pakistan by resident Pakistanis and by people of Pak origin who go back to their home village to look for a wife for their son.... the Wife is then used as the primary carer for the individual.
the girl in question may be be divorced or somebody who hasnt been married and has reached a ripe old age...depending upon the area, this may mean over 23 years olds.
Ive seen a few cases in the UK some times the husband can find some kind of work to do and therefore is able to sponsor his wife...in a few other cases the disability is so severe that tehy cant and its takes years for the family to import the wife. In these type of marriages there is very little semblence to a marriage in the conventional form of the word and the women tend to care for the disabled person.
this is NOT always something that has been forced upon them and the ladies may (initially) see this as a way out of poverty or spinsterhood in a pak village...they also feel they can help their families back home. and also they get to live freer lives here.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
I have seen this happen but the other way round. A person was married to a girl who was deaf and dumb. The parents of the girl did not let anyone know about it and the person only found out after the marriage.
I don’t think such situation is rampant but yes I have seen one case in my lifetime.
Knowing each other before marriage is no guarantee that married life will be better. You have as an example the west. I have seen plenty of desis who knew each other perfectly well and went out of their family’s way to marry someone they loved, and they are in no way any more happy than those whose marriages were arranged.
Marriage is a serious responsibility for both persons involved. Those who do not understand the seriousness of the relationship and are not ready to compromise will not enjoy a happy marriage, either arranged or otherwise.
How much part love plays in a successful marriage? Not much. Why: All humans have the tendency to lose interest in the things they are able to achieve. Love between a man and a woman is really strong till the time both have insecurities that they may lose each other. A short time after a marriage, love goes under the closet and silly realities emerge. Those realities you will never be able to observe before a marriage.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
True, but most of the marriages of 'western' people are just laughs, it seems to be the fashion here to have at least one or two divorces. Besides, there isn't much point to get married for them since they already do before marriage everything a husband and wife are supposed to do...
But I personally feel you have a better chance of succeeding if at least you have something in common. And love? Who believes in love? it's good understanding which is important, being able to talk about problems, getting along well, respect. Everything important should be told before the wedding, including mentall illnesses.
The worst kind of marriages are those inside ones own family anyway, one should never ever marry a cousin.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
*True, but most of the marriages of 'western' people are just laughs, it seems to be the fashion here to have at least one or two divorces. Besides, there isn't much point to get married for them since they already do before marriage everything a husband and wife are supposed to do...
*
I think I did not make myself clear. I do not agree with your conclusion about the fashion thing. In West, couples spend plenty of time (sometime years) with each other just to make sure that they are compatible with each other. I am sure they know as much as they need to know about each other, before marriage. However, even then their marriages fail. It is NOT a fashion thingy to get divorced in West. It has dire consequences for the husband especially. However, even the consequences do not prevent divorces.
*But I personally feel you have a better chance of succeeding if at least you have something in common. And love? Who believes in love? it's good understanding which is important, being able to talk about problems, getting along well, respect.
*
I do not believe in the logic that knowing your partner and having something common is a recipe for success. For me the most important thing in a marriage is respect. Even without having anything in common, if you are able to respect the other person's point-of-view and his/her individuality, a majority of issues die right there. This is the pothole in marriages, as far as I see it. Individuals like to see their partners in a way they perceive is the right way without giving any respect and regards to the other persons individuality. Once negativity starts to encroach on the thoughts of the individuals, marriages become viscious cycles of complaints, lies, and excuses.
Everything important should be told before the wedding, including mentall illnesses.
No doubt about it.
**
The worst kind of marriages are those inside ones own family anyway, one should never ever marry a cousin**
Well! Cousins have the highest chances of having things common in their traits. Normally, their eating, sleeping, thinking, educational, etc., patterns are very similar. However, these things do not make a marriage successful and there are lots of other negativities in inter-cousin marriages which to me make them a no-no.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Will you marry me?? Seriously? You just read my mind. Since we have so much in common, i thought i would take a stab inthe dark:D . Jokes, aside, good point there.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
How much part love plays in a successful marriage? Not much. Why: All humans have the tendency to lose interest in the things they are able to achieve. Love between a man and a woman is really strong till the time both have insecurities that they may lose each other. A short time after a marriage, love goes under the closet and silly realities emerge. Those realities you will never be able to observe before a marriage.
This is so bloody true. Smart kid.
Sadiyah, back to the topic, since the thread is already meandering…
I doubt its that common - Pakistani dramas are now banking on sensationalism to sell. If this was a drama produced like 10 or 20 years ago, I would say okay, maybe it is that common. But now, they’re coming up with the craziest of plots.
If this is fueled by Angan Bhar Chandni - then I can say this much. In EDUCATED families (which is what you see depicted), people don’t go marrying off their daughters to guys that even THEY haven’t seen. In the drama, Shama’s parents and sisters don’t know about the mental illness either. And sikandar is showing pretty well in his speech and acting that he is a mental health patient. Nor have I heard of doctors who recommend to their patients’ families that the patient should get married, and that things will then get better. The drama is a load of crap IMHO, like much else I see these days in Pakistani culture, but its good timepass. Hence why sensible people are glued to the darn channels. 
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Sara, you've also brought up an interesting point. Sterility is a serious problem and I bet many Pakistanis hide it at the time of marriage. Therefore, not all illnesses can be observed upfront prior to getting married. It's quite sad that people trick others into marrying them for some odd reason when they are fully aware that they may not be capable of carrying out the duties/responsibilities as a husband/wife.
lazy_daisy, so basically the families are looking for nurses in the guise of wives? Why not get a nurse and spare the misery that a wife may have to suffer. Or is it because nurses cost money?
WitchDr, I would beg to differ. Yes, the initial attraction does subside after a while, but some people do know how to make things workout. Some wouldn't let the insecurities and other non-sense creep into their relationship. And loving each other does play a significant role.
sadya, I wouldn't be putting down the western trend/culture. It's better to get divorced rather than forcing yourself to live through a bad marriage that is not likely to workout. You could know someone for years, but it isn't the same when you're married. It's always good to know the person you're getting married to in advance, but that isn't always a gurantee that all will go well afterwards and if things are bound to go bad, then you might as well separate than further ruin each others' lives.
PCG, well lazy_daisy did mention that she knows of a few cases, so it must still be happening perhaps not so much in the educated families, but it must be happening amongst the lower class families and it's still deplorable. In addition, I wonder if it happens in educated families more where people are more conscious of their status in the society and they wouldn't want others to look down upon their son/daughter, so they purposely get them married to prevent others from talking.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Its because they cost money.
Well, no to be fair, I'm sure families that trick women/men into marrying their mentally ill kid are not looking to save money. Its more about emotional care. A nurse can't care emotionally for her patient - no matter what kind of emotional type training they've had. Its just not common, and I've seen very few nurses who connect with their patients.
A wife/husband on the other hand can provide that sort of emotional care that parents are worried their child wont have after they die. This is pretty reasonable given the fact that desis are not very accomodating to mental health patients, let alone physically disabled ones. So I can understand the concern, and the need to trick.
But yes of course, its unfair to the person who was lied to - that's why if you do see it - the person that gets tricked is usually someone who had little chance for marriage in the first place.
Kinda sad, but those couples might be happier than 2 good-looking biologically and reproductively functioning who got married for love or some crap like that or the other.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
By assuring that your son/daughter has someone to look after once you pass away may be an act of kindness toward the ill kid, but it is certainly an act of cruelty towards their significant other.
And how do you find happiness, honestly? By knowing that you're a great person because you've devoted your life to look after someone who needs a nurse/assistant?
Wouldn't you rather stay single?
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
It's happened to our neighbours...
Strangely enough, they were not orthodox, but didn't even allow the girl to talk to the guy...
After marriage it was found out that the used to have fits due to a tumor in the brain...The In-Laws knew about it too...
Now, he's died due to the tumor leaving her with two kids...At quite a young age too...
I have no clue what one should do in this scerio...But raising hell sounds appropriate...
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Actually, you are not differing much from what I am saying. I am saying that people need to make things work out. You said it as well. Successful resolution of conflicts is important for a marriage. I am not talking about people letting insecurities in their relationship, it is there in your subconscious. If loving each other played a significant role, no arranged marriage will be a success and no love marriage will end up in divorce.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
No patronizing please. :nono:
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
It happened to someone very close.... they knew the family for like 20 yrs or so but you don't get to know about such stuff until someone (like parents or siblings) tells you or you get to live with them.
He was in a constant state of depression, she tried to help him by taking him to the doctor, getting him counseling, etc but he refused to do any of it. Anyhow after 14 yrs when it was out of control, she has applied for divorce and instead of living here, getting his treatment, and paying child support for the kids..he left for pak.
You can only do something when the other person is willing to get help.....
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Yes because most of the times such people act normal in front of others but they are entirely different person when it comes to their immediate family.
Re: Getting tricked into marrying mentally ill men
Why did it take so long???