My wife can not get over the fact that I was married before her. And this is really disturbing for me. There are no trust issues but she keeps digging up for things and taunts me all the time about being married and comparing herself to my ex-wife.
I’m completely over my first marriage - I never even think about it but I don’t like to be reminded of it every day.
I was completely honest with her (my parents told her family the whole thing) and she also knew everything and convinced her parents to marry me. And now she tells me that she cannot accept the fact that there was someone else in my life before her.
Recently she found some pictures of the ex on my cousins facebook and has been throwing a lot of tantrums. Asking for a divorce etc.
I moved out from my parents house but we still have my old bedroom. I got her new jewelry and clothes but she thinks that I gave her the same stuff that the ex wore. She says that she doesn’t want to be treated second grade etc. our son just turned one
How do I get my wife to move on and stop dwelling on my past? Any suggestions??
Running after a 1-year-old requires a lot of energy. Also, the changes that come with pregnancy can leave women feeling insecure about themselves. With a toddler to take care of, you have less quality one-on-one time to spend with each other. Basically, it’s really easy to get stuck in a rut. With that said, maybe you and wife just need some time with each other…like romantic time..sweet gestures …surprises…compliments..etc etc. Maybe she just wants to feel appreciated or validated.
Have you told her that you find it frustrating that she keeps on digging about a topic that you find boring and have no desire to talk about? If not, then you should. I used the word “boring” instead of hurtful because I’m afraid that your wife might associate or twist words like pain or hurtful with you still having residual feelings for your ex and use it against you. It’s better not to give her that ammunition. With that said, when you are dealing with someone who is looking closely for signs of something, you have to be careful about how you word things.
The next time that she asks you questions about your ex, either tell her that you’re not interested in talking about the subject or change the subject and make it more about her…“Who cares about her? I don’t even remember what ex used to do/say/think. I’d rather think about you. How are you? How was your day? What do you want to do tonight? Let’s go out to _________.”
Try the above and if that doesn’t work then try having a direct conversation with her. If that doesn’t work, then you might need to seek counselling or involve her parents and have a family meeting where you all are present together because it’s better to address all her fears/doubts in front of the others. And you can even stress the point that you would not be trying to resolve this issue so openly before everyone if you still harbored romantic feelings for your ex.
But before things get to THAT advanced stage (and hopefully they won’t)…try bonding with your wife. Help her out with your son at home. Make some time for both you and her (without your child, if possible). Change the topic when she asks about your ex and put the focus on her. Do these things first before involving a counselor or even the intervention of family members.
Did she ever get checked out for PPD? Sometimes the depression continues way way after birth if not treated. Take her to a councilor in the guise of marriage counseling because you definitely need that even if she doesn’t.
Actually she found my old conversations and pictures on my laptop a month into our marriage. she was devastated but I did manage to control the situation. meanwhile we moved out. shes pursuing an advanced graduate degree and we divide our time to take care of the baby and housework.
she did taunt me about it but it used to be her final argument to escalate things during a fight. but now she just tells me off very casually while having dinner or playing with the baby etc. e,g. if i say something about elections in pakistan being held in 2013, she would say yes thats when you were having fun with the love of your life..
I should also mention that someone in my family called her by the ex’s name TWICE (once again while trying to apologize). My wife thinks that everyone was so close to the ex, and even the extended family adored her which is why there are group pictures in facebook and everyone calling her by that name. She also complains that whenever she is at a family event, no one comes up to her to even say hello so she just sits in the corner.
also, the pictures of the wedding have been taken down by the uploader on my request, but there are some group pictures of the girls (the ex is there too). should i ask for them to be taken down?? I am worried that the uploader will spread the word about my wife being uncomfortable with the ex. just to be clear these pictures were uploaded a few years ago and not being shared/commented upon right now.
Man this whole thing is so messed up. I appreciate everyone’s input and will make an appointment with her doctor for checking out PPD. She is generally a very negative and pessimistic person even before PPD.
Yes, you should tell the uploader to take down those pictures as well. You don’t even need to give an explanation if he doesn’t ask you for one. But if he does, then don’t mention your wife’s name. Just say that some of the girls and their families don’t feel comfortable with having the pictures up and therefore you decided it was best to take them down altogether.
Forgive me, but I thought that her lil’ quip about you being with the “love of your life” was funny. I shouldn’t have chuckled, but I did. I mean, yes, I admit that her remark was unwarranted. But it makes for good sit-com type of humor, lol. I think you need to sit down at some point with your wife and tell her, “Would you like it if someone were to remind you of your mistakes often? Even God forgives people and you are just a mere human that is taunting another person over and over again for something that was not even a sin.” Please say that to her.
You may have to encourage her to be the first person to approach extended family members at events. We can’t always wait for someone to come talk to us. Sometimes we have to make the first move. Now, if you happen to have a good rapport and strong trust with some of those extended family members, you might be able to talk to them privately and ask them to approach your wife and include them in their activities so that she’s not just moping around by herself in the corner.
I understand that you both divide up responsibilities with your child. But still, taking graduate classes AND managing a toddler is a lot of work. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut where your whole day revolves around work, school, toddler. Then lather, rinse, repeat. Take the time out during the day to make her feel special (even if she’s being an ogre). Compliments alone can go a long way. If things don’t improve by talking to her nor by keeping a distance from her, then you can seek outside interventions.
First of all congratulations on being brave enough to post about your frustrations. Not many men are able to do that hence suffer in silence and shame for years. Another great thing you have going for you is that you are around your close relatives, that helps a lot in managing stressful situations. There is some very practical advice given by @Tempe5t above. Try that.
However, keep in mind that if someone wants to make your life miserable by constant taunting, they will keep finding excuses. I’ve seen wives taunting their husbands about their age, hair loss, salary, family background, etc. for years solely in order to have their way. If you feel there is a method to this madness and none of the passive solutions work, then you should be prepared to give her some taste of her own medicine. Bottling up emotions for too long is not good for you nor is a never ending policy of appeasement.
God…I can’t even begin to try explaining how much the above irks me. Hormones, PMS, child bearing, raising kids is NO excuse for tantrums,insecure and rude behaviour. ‘Modern’ women need to grow up and start taking control and responsibility for their behaviour.
@OP next times she makes a remark ignore it and stop trying to placate her tantrums. Your attention and attempts to pacify her are just reinforcing her behaviour. There is no need to broadcast to the whole fb community that your wife cannot bear seeing your ex’s pictures. Let them be. Taking down pictures is no solution. It’s not like your ex is going to be wiped off the face of earth and everyone’s memories by taking down the pictures. Tell your wife to deal with it.
PS : Before the whole female community starts bashing me for being insensitive to female problems, I am a woman myself who has goes through PMS, and has been through pregnancy,labour, night feeds, gazillion diaper changes, runny noses, mood swings,back cramps.Thank you!
^yeah but not every woman is the same and deals with mental issues the same way, so you can’t be insensitive to other women’s mental suffering this way. Thank you!
Yeah,I totally understand some women deal with life problems by throwing tantrums, letting their emotions rule over them and making everyone’s life difficult. They deal with life’s real and imagined problems by creating more problems.
Act sensitive…? sorry. There should be someone to tell them to act their age. If women like these expect people to be sympathetic towards them the should learn to reciprocate…in this case with the husband.
What’s funny is that if thing’s were the other way round , the husband was behaving this way a woman’s ex people would have called him ‘shakki’ etc and again rushed to the woman’s sympathy.
Listen, I’ve studied psychology and been through different anxieties etc. all my life. It is very easy to say that women can control their emotions or thoughts, when in reality, sometimes it can be very hard to do so. Sometimes medical intervention is needed. Emotions do not come with an on and off switch. You just can’t get rid of what you’re feeling so easily. It takes time and patience. A little understanding goes a long way.
I never had any relationships and when I married my husband, he had has his fair share. He was involved with his ex for a while and it wasn’t working out. We ended up meeting, falling in love and getting married. I was the first he could ever think of marrying so the love was genuine and we were perfect for each other in every way.
I kept holding to the past, sometimes asking about his ex and once found a dairy and some pics. It broke my heart.
Being a very independent and confident person, this feeling was very foreign. I had never been the jealous type. Then I realized I was really in love and this feeling brought a slew of emotions with it…jealous..insecurity …and so on.
What I wanted from my husband was love, patience, honesty and reinsurance that I was the one. He tried and made the effort. I am very vocal so I told him all along how i felt and what he needs to do to make me feel better. 2 years down the line, it has all gone away.
My suggestion is if the ex is the only thing that is troubling her, be patient. When she asks about her, tell her how you felt and how its over even if it sounds repetitive. Make the extra effort . I know how it feels to see pictures and reminders (in your case you were married, same house…etc so I can imagine how worse she would feel)
and hopefully one day it will be over for her. You may feel frustrated and irritated but you have no idea how it feels to be on the other side and deal with this (it is very very hard)
PS: Sometimes there are rooted insecurities from past (dad wasn’t faithful…etc). She could help from counseling if you feel its gotten out of control
I mean, yes, I admit that her remark was unwarranted. But it makes for good sit-com type of humor, lol. I think you need to sit down at some point with your wife and tell her, “Would you like it if someone were to remind you of your mistakes often? Even God forgives people and you are just a mere human that is taunting another person over and over again for something that was not even a sin.” Please say that to her.