it’s time for me to make a major decision…to go to pakistan to get married. i’m not looking forward to it, but i’m trying to prepare myself mentally. i tried and failed to meet people here. it’s been a horribly confusing and sad process. it’s something i know i really want in my life, but i guess here isn’t the place, and it really bugs me becuz i was born here.
so, next year i’m making travel plans abroad. i’m not even sure it’s possible to find someone in pakistan who’s compatable, but at this point, it’s worth a shot. i’ve already been advised to live there too for a while if i do marry someone from there to maybe offset greencard fears.
i haven’t been to pakistan since i was a little kid. i kept in touch with relatives, but i know it’s not the same. i guess i’d just like to know what you all think about it before i set sail.
Well you don't know yet whether you will actually find somebody you are compatible with in Pakistan. If I were you, I would view this as nothing more than a vacation. See what the country is like, what the people are like. You might hate it or you might love it. Be open to meeting people and if things don't work out with anybody there, oh well.
Personally, I could never do it. I would rather remain a spinster. Maybe getting married in Pakistan is something you can do but I know I could never do it. Good luck.
people here are getting married and then divorced just as easily. i think i have to weigh my options. options here are very limited and so strained. i don't want to go back, but i don't want to live my life single.
but how are the men there like? i often only hear the negative stereotypes...they can't all be that way...can they? is it really as big a cultural divide as everyone is claiming?
yeah, i probably should look at it more as a vacation, i'm definately packing light for heavy shopping....hehehe. but, it's just awful here. i don't think it can be worse there for me.
aww Bharaysh nice to know there are others sharing the boat… we werent having much luck with guyz in canada… then moved to arabia.. and things still dont look good… everyone keeps tellni mom to move to pakiland for a bit.. live there … so that ppl meet us etc… (my family isnt very sociable)… last yr… we went to pakistan for a vacation.. and mom just asked around .. got hold of a trusted rishta wali… in 1 month we found 3 great rishtas out of which mom went to meet one… ofcourse things didnt turn out as planned as im still a spinster .. but basically what im trying to say is … dont go to pakistan thinking "oh hell… this is pathetic…pakistani guyz know noting bout the outside world " cuz u’ll take everything negetively… just take it easy… and plus… u never know… there are families living in pakistan who have their kids studying abroad.. or workin abroad… so u never know.. there are so many possibilites…
i guess its different if a guy goes to pak and gets married..girls usually dont marry the guy cuz of a greencard..the most important thing is the family..if the family is good and respected then u have a better chance of finding the right partner..i am so glad i found the right one in pakistan..i have heard so many horror stories bout the girls here
I know it might feel kind of scary, but hope for the best. I know for me, I didn't want someone from Pakistan because I was afraid that their different upbringing would lead to different expectations (especially about the wife's role). However, I do have a few female cousins who have spent most of their lives in the US and are happily married to guys who were raised in Pak but worked in the US.
Much of my feelings about guys born and raised in the Pak are from experience. They are perfectly nice, I enjoy their company, but when it comes down to what our interactions will be like after marriage, or how a household will/should be run, I think we just don't see eye to eye. But of course, this is an unfair generalization. And even if it's true, that doesn't mean things can't change, or that we can't learn from each other. As long as both people are willing to be open-minded, trusting, caring, and are willing to talk things through, compromise, and commit, I think all will be fine, InshAllah.
Even if you don't find yourself compatible with someone who was born and raised in Pak, you might meet someone who has lived abroad, in different places. Many families have sort of cosmopolitan lifestyles and might understand your upbringing and perspective better.
Bharysh, Maybe you need to be for social. Do you have any desi girlfriends, or don't your parents have any family friends? Tell your parents too look deeper in their baggy.
As far as going to Pakistan, MehnazQ said it best.
Bharysh what u need is a FOB with a Green Card... there are many with great careers and an excellent education . PLUS they have that 'watan kee mittee kee khushboo' which can't be faked by annual-two-weeks-in-Islamabad ABCD's..
[QUOTE] Originally posted by Bharysh: *
okay...*sigh
it's time for me to make a major decision....to go to pakistan to get married. i'm not looking forward to it, but i'm trying to prepare myself mentally. i tried and failed to meet people here. it's been a horribly confusing and sad process. it's something i know i really want in my life, but i guess here isn't the place, and it really bugs me becuz i was born here.
so, next year i'm making travel plans abroad. i'm not even sure it's possible to find someone in pakistan who's compatable, but at this point, it's worth a shot. i've already been advised to live there too for a while if i do marry someone from there to maybe offset greencard fears.
i haven't been to pakistan since i was a little kid. i kept in touch with relatives, but i know it's not the same. i guess i'd just like to know what you all think about it before i set sail.
[/QUOTE]
I don't know how old you are but seems like you are utterly frustrated by your situation and ready to take drastic measures. Before rushing headlong in your move, first, do you even know what you want in a potential spouse? If you have any expectations, are they truly yours or family's/friends'? Are you getting any rishta hits here at all? Desi marriage is a crap shoot and in Pakistan it's won't be any different. I won't deny that fact that you'd find more prospects in Pakistan than here in states but your flexibililty and their compatibility (to you) is going to be an issue. You were born and raised in States?Canada?UK?
I agree with Sahar.I have nothing with guys back in Pakistan, but they have been raised in a completely different place, in completely different ways.Although I have known quite a few guys from there, they're sweet and all but I have never met one that I could possible spend my future with.
However, it all depends on the individual.So good luck.Who knows, I mean you could end up with a girl who is from somewhere else , other than Pakistan.You might even find some girl here, depending you have family or friends who can introduce you to some.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Bharysh: *
people here are getting married and then divorced just as easily. i think i have to weigh my options. options here are very limited and so strained. i don't want to go back, but i don't want to live my life single.
but how are the men there like? i often only hear the negative stereotypes...they can't all be that way...can they? is it really as big a cultural divide as everyone is claiming?
[/QUOTE]
These are very vague statements and questions. Homework, homework, homework. :)
Sahar has made some valid comments. The upbringing and expectations are different. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have had experience of living in both parts of the world and have interacted with people raised in the west and the east, if my opinion is worth anything, I would suggest you not to go to Pakistan. This going back to find a successful match is more of a ‘guy’ thing...and surprisingly it works for both abcd or fob
It’s not that people from one part of the world are better than the other…it’s which part of the world YOU belong to. Some fob’s are more American than abcds and some abcds are more desi than fobs…which kind do you click with? East is very male dominated and you will be surprised how 'open minded' abcd guys change when they go back there. I know girls get pressured by their biological clock and other needs but that is not a justification to rush marriage. In fact it annoys the hell outta me.
In Pakistan marriage is more than just finding the right ‘guy’. It is the family, relatives, eastern mindeset, jahaiz, looks and some more superficial stuff. If you think these things are going for you then you should explore your options there; otherwise, in the worst case, be mentally prepared for disappointment and keep your self-esteem intact on your way back. Good luck
I would pick a "fob" over an "abcd" anyday, at least they dont have this thing about the other being inferior.
Anyway, try al-huda when you get there, it's a good way to meet decent women who will be from decent families and can spread the word that you're looking. Otherwise, decent guys in Pakistan aren't very visible. And also get to know as many people as possible, preferably women if you want to do it through proper channels, so things like cooking classes (yeah) and through your relatives and friends.
Bharysh, my advice would be to go there and live for a while and meet people. You'd have better chances of meeting the right person. The short term stay only yields the higher risk of meeting someone wanting to get married ONLY for the green card. However, if you meet someone who wants you AND greencard then there is nothing wrong with that. Most of the desi marriages do take place because of the factors that categorically fall under the same category as wanting to come to US, and those marriages still work our pretty good. If a person who wants to come to US for a better career and is also equally commited to you then his better career in fact means properity and happiness for both of you, not his alone. But it's easier to find such a person while spending more time there instead of rushing off on series of rishtas.
Also, look at this way. Your spending more time there would mean that you'll also become more familiarize to the "culture and expectations" there, just like your prospective husband would have to HERE once he comes here.
Don't rush into it seriously. See what the pros and cons are for marrying someone in North America as compared to Pakistan.
A friend of mine recently got married. She has lived outside Pakistan all her life.
Last year, she was sort of forced into getting married in Pakistan because people thought that no rishtas would come for her later.
She had a reasonable amount of difficulty interacting with the guy (till the time he came here). She used to cry and felt terrible. She felt as if the guy only got married to her for the sake of Canadian citizenship.
It was just horrible. I personally never have the guts to ask her how marriage has been working out (I'm assuming it's been good/alrite).
Personally, I wouldn't want to get married in Pakistan. It could be a real risk, especially for women.
It's the woman that almost always gets blamed for everything that goes wrong. If the marriage doesn't work out (God forbid), people will start accusing her. Plus, it's not easy to end one marriage contract and look for someone else, as people from our culture could be very narrow-minded.
Like Sarah suggested, if you do end up going to Pakistan, do contact al-huda. It's a great instituition and I'm sure they can help you find a good husband, insha'Allah.
nice to know there are others sharing the boat… we werent having much luck with guyz in canada… then moved to arabia.. and things still dont look good… everyone keeps tellni mom to move to pakiland for a bit.. live there … so that ppl meet us etc… (my family isnt very sociable)… last yr… we went to pakistan for a vacation.. and mom just asked around .. got hold of a trusted rishta wali… in 1 month we found 3 great rishtas out of which mom went to meet one… ofcourse things didnt turn out as planned as im still a spinster 
.. but basically what im trying to say is … dont go to pakistan thinking "oh hell… this is pathetic…pakistani guyz know noting bout the outside world " cuz u’ll take everything negetively… just take it easy… and plus… u never know… there are families living in pakistan who have their kids studying abroad.. or workin abroad… so u never know.. there are so many possibilites…