Getting Married - good or bad?

[Reha]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

Marriage is bad when its bad but really good when its good.

So you had a bad experience...personally if you ask me...judging from your posts...this is not the right time for you to be with someone. But you know better.

Now, on to the expectations part. There will ALWAYS be expectations. There should be. Who else is she supposed to take her expectations to? You won't be happy if the pool guy or milkman starts showing up with flowers and candy, will ya? Women have so much pressure to look nice otherwise our husbands will develop the roaming-eye-syndrome and we take it very seriously. You see this multi-billion dollar beauty industry? Its certainly not about inner beauty. Have you ever seen a guy say "omg, her heart is so beautiful I want her right now!"...hmm?

I think my way of thinking is that I don't expect to know everything about him. I don't think there will ever be a day when its all out on the table so I don't expect that. Those expectations are wrong IMHO because there will be surprises and not everyone is a big fan of those kind of surprises.

The bit about holidays. There's always two ways to look at something...good and bad. And its always your choice how you choose to view something...good or bad. If you want, those holidays can be a chance for you to spend some quality time with your spouse. Or they could be a ticking time bomb ready to explode in your hands. And I personally don't know many women who turn into raving banshees when Valentine's Day is forgotten. They might write a blog but you'll definitely get dinner that night.

Your choice. Your life. You get to make the rules.

[sharklaser2]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

Marriage is bad when its bad but really good when its good.

So you had a bad experience...personally if you ask me...judging from your posts...this is not the right time for you to be with someone. But you know better.

Now, on to the expectations part. There will ALWAYS be expectations. There should be. Who else is she supposed to take her expectations to? You won't be happy if the pool guy or milkman starts showing up with flowers and candy, will ya? Women have so much pressure to look nice otherwise our husbands will develop the roaming-eye-syndrome and we take it very seriously. You see this multi-billion dollar beauty industry? Its certainly not about inner beauty. Have you ever seen a guy say "omg, her heart is so beautiful I want her right now!"...hmm?

I think my way of thinking is that I don't expect to know everything about him. I don't think there will ever be a day when its all out on the table so I don't expect that. Those expectations are wrong IMHO because there will be surprises and not everyone is a big fan of those kind of surprises.

The bit about holidays. There's always two ways to look at something...good and bad. And its always your choice how you choose to view something...good or bad. If you want, those holidays can be a chance for you to spend some quality time with your spouse. Or they could be a ticking time bomb ready to explode in your hands. And I personally don't know many women who turn into raving banshees when Valentine's Day is forgotten. They might write a blog but you'll definitely get dinner that night.

Your choice. Your life. You get to make the rules.

I'm not that shallow, I don't need my spouse to put on a show for me and I don't want to put on a show for my spouse, nor do I have "roaming eyes" as my brain controls my actions, not my emotions.

I don't mind celebrating holidays, but as I said, "raving banshee" is what I'm totally terrified of, my life is extremely peaceful and ideally I would want similar after marriage with precisely zero drama.

I think people are too materialistic these days, "stuff" like flowers, chocolates, gifts mean literally zero to me, I would much rather go to the lakes and view some stunning scenery with someone I like the company of for a bday, than be sat at home with a crazy wife that's annoyed because I purchased the wrong "xyz" for her bday.

[Reha]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

I'm not that shallow, I don't need my spouse to put on a show for me and I don't want to put on a show for my spouse, nor do I have "roaming eyes" as my brain controls my actions, not my emotions.

I don't mind celebrating holidays, but as I said, "raving banshee" is what I'm totally terrified of, my life is extremely peaceful and ideally I would want similar after marriage with precisely zero drama.

I think people are too materialistic these days, "stuff" like flowers, chocolates, gifts mean literally zero to me, I would much rather go to the lakes and view some stunning scenery with someone I like the company of for a bday, than be sat at home with a crazy wife that's annoyed because I purchased the wrong "xyz" for her bday.

Then as I said...this is the wrong time for marriage.

Relationships that are as serious as marriage are all about changing and adapting. You sound like you're in a good place right now after a bad stint and that's great. You should enjoy that for a while before you think about adding someone else to the mix because things WILL change. You want someone to work with you and she will want someone to work with her.

As for shallowness...physical attraction is important. Women can even overlook those things to a certain degree but not men. So yeah, you want to be attracted to her and she should be attracted to you. For that, its not bad to do things she likes and vice versa.

[sharklaser2]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

Then as I said...this is the wrong time for marriage.

Relationships that are as serious as marriage are all about changing and adapting. You sound like you're in a good place right now after a bad stint and that's great. You should enjoy that for a while before you think about adding someone else to the mix because things WILL change. You want someone to work with you and she will want someone to work with her.

As for shallowness...physical attraction is important. Women can even overlook those things to a certain degree but not men. So yeah, you want to be attracted to her and she should be attracted to you. For that, its not bad to do things she likes and vice versa.

True, although I guess different people are attracted to different things I couldn't imagine anything worse than someone marrying you for the way you look, what happens if your face gets eaten by a scary face eating insect overnight, boom there goes your "marriage".

I'm becoming less inclined to compromise now, as there's a chance it will all be thrown in my face afterwards, and all that work for nothing.

[Exodus]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

True, although I guess different people are attracted to different things I couldn't imagine anything worse than someone marrying you for the way you look, what happens if your face gets eaten by a scary face eating insect overnight, boom there goes your "marriage".

I'm becoming less inclined to compromise now, as there's a chance it will all be thrown in my face afterwards, and all that work for nothing.

Broseph, you're making it all a whole load more difficult for yourself and for no apparent reason. If you wanna get married, go ahead, seek potentials, talk it out, find a mutual compatibility ground and work on it. Nobody could give you a guarantee it will work out perfectly fine. You've just gotta take the risk if you're willing. To top that off, she's going to be doing the same, perhaps on a bigger sacrificial scale than you could ever. You just cant predict it all down to a tee. You've gotta bite the bullet/take a risk.

[Reha]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

True, although I guess different people are attracted to different things I couldn't imagine anything worse than someone marrying you for the way you look, what happens if your face gets eaten by a scary face eating insect overnight, boom there goes your "marriage".

I'm becoming less inclined to compromise now, as there's a chance it will all be thrown in my face afterwards, and all that work for nothing.

People don't get married ONLY for looks ever. There are many many many other factors that go in there but a certain degree of attraction is there too. You cannot tell me you are ONLY looking for inner beauty because the reality of this is...you have no way of gauging that inner beauty right off the bat. We look for outer beauty instinctively and then go for the rest. Once we find other qualities...we take a risk and get married. Its a gamble no matter what.

Broseph, you're making it all a whole load more difficult for yourself and for no apparent reason. If you wanna get married, go ahead, seek potentials, talk it out, find a mutual compatibility ground and work on it. Nobody could give you a guarantee it will work out perfectly fine. You've just gotta take the risk if you're willing. To top that off, she's going to be doing the same, perhaps on a bigger sacrificial scale than you could ever. You just cant predict it all down to a tee. You've gotta bite the bullet/take a risk.

This

[sharklaser2]

Re: Getting Married - good or bad?

Broseph, you're making it all a whole load more difficult for yourself and for no apparent reason. If you wanna get married, go ahead, seek potentials, talk it out, find a mutual compatibility ground and work on it. Nobody could give you a guarantee it will work out perfectly fine. You've just gotta take the risk if you're willing. To top that off, she's going to be doing the same, perhaps on a bigger sacrificial scale than you could ever. You just cant predict it all down to a tee. You've gotta bite the bullet/take a risk.

True, I guess I can't seem to get it out of my head that her main aim will be to cause chaos to me and in our house/family and ruin my perfectly peaceful life :/ as that's all I have seen of married life.

Annoyingly we haven't been a complete family for a long time, and I struggle to remember how my parents interacted daily too, nor do we have any relatives etc.