Re: Get your act together, Ladies
I am confused....this thread does not blame men....
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
**12. It is important to deal with issues by addressing the source. **If something your husband did is bothering you, don’t go blab to everyone in your family and all of your friends. TALK TO HIM. If you have a complaint about someone, address the concern with that person. Otherwise, your complaints are simply back-biting and gossip and will never lead to an improved situation. And the fault is your own.
^^ Great point. If your husband has done something to hurt you, discuss it with him. It's absolutely useless to bring it up with your friends in discussions. Your friends don't know the context or the flip side. I have seen this be a major issue in relaionsips. Your friends might be having issues of their own and their opinions might just cloud your judgement and make a mountain out of a mole hill. Besides men absolutely hate their lives being discussed in public. So keep the urge to create a drama in check.
I am confused....this thread does not blame men....
It's okay, CM. You'll be able to use the generic "male-bashing" comeback to dismiss a comment in some other thread, I am sure. :D
**12. It is important to deal with issues by addressing the source. **If something your husband did is bothering you, don’t go blab to everyone in your family and all of your friends. TALK TO HIM. If you have a complaint about someone, address the concern with that person. Otherwise, your complaints are simply back-biting and gossip and will never lead to an improved situation. And the fault is your own.
^^ Great point. If your husband has done something to hurt you, discuss it with him. It's absolutely useless to bring it up with your friends in discussions. Your friends don't know the context or the flip side. I have seen this be a major issue in relaionsips. Your friends might be having issues of their own and their opinions might just cloud your judgement and make a mountain out of a mole hill. Besides men absolutely hate their lives being discussed in public. So keep the urge to create a drama in check.
Women don't like it either, Stork. I feel it's the root of all these MIL-DIL dramas because men often won't talk to their wives about issues either. It's just plain common sense -- if you want to resolve a problem, you address it. If you want drama and attention, you whine and complain to others to get sympathy.
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
^exactly, problems dont go away if you consider burying your head in the sand or "zone out"
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
This is simply the BEST thread I have read in a long time.. seriously, well said! Definitely a worthwhile reminder for young girls especially, but all women in general anyhow 
Goooooo Sahar! :k: 
EDIT: Just read Mehnaz’s post now aswell.. brilliant! :k:
I know several women who do try to talk to the spouse first but the spouse doesnt want to listen. On the rare occasions she DOES manage to tell him about what bothers her, all hell breaks loose. And instead of feeling better that she’s communicated something to the husband, she instead regrets ever opening her mouth. And you know what, those feelings of regret pile up more and more until she starts to hate herself for being so na-shukri or wonders if she’s really crazy. It’s a nasty slippery slope.
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
I know, Sara. Like I said in my original post, unfortunately a woman can try everything and it is not in her power to make her situation better. It is not her fault, and that's when she needs to make sure (like Mehnaz said) to maintain a clear sense of herself, and not to let others around her define who she is and what she is capable of. Hopefully too she has people around her that can give her strength to make the tough and important decisions she needs to make.
Sahar, in order to follow even half of your points, one thing that is really important is that you MUST have confidence and a strong sense of self-esteem. How a person gets themselves into bad situations is due to their inability to believe in themselves.
Nobody is perfect. However, that doesn't make you inadequate or a failure. It is important to recognize your own strengths and qualities. If you are able to recognize it, and truely believe it, that's how you 'start' to give yourself confidence.
Another important thing that I learned is that you cannot allow anybody else to define who you are .... be it your parents, friends, siblings, husbands/boyfriends. You cannot allow their opinions of you to define who you are and you cannot live your life based on their definitions of who you are.
This comes back to your confidence level. Recognize who you are. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses. Just because someone says something negative to you, about you (i.e. you are a "fill in the blank"), does it make it true? Are you really whatever this person is saying?
Give yourself credit and start building your confidence and self-esteem.
A lot of what you have written is common sense. However, you won't put it into practice unless you actually believe it ... and in order to believe even half of these points, you need to believe in yourself first.
You're right, Mehnaz. I don't know where this confidence comes from, but I imagine it's different for every woman. For some it's natural to who they are, for others it was cultivated by parents, and for others it's developed based on difficult and rewarding experiences.
We also have to make every effort not to let ourselves fall into "learned helplessness," not to use the fact that we don't believe we can keep us from trying.
Women in our culture are programmed to think of their identity as an extension of their family, as an extension of their familial roles and responsibilities, rather than as an identity created de novo out of your own choices and likes/dislikes.
You are someone's maa. You are someone's behn. You are someone's beti. You are someone's wife.
In our culture, when are you...you?
I go to the masjid, and whenever they talk about stories of the women in Islam, they always refer to these women by their relationships. They don't say Oh, these women (and name them). They'll say "oh the wives of the prophet, they were so obedient". Gimme a break - our men haven't done us any justice in portraying us as anything other than an extension of their own existence.
I think our generation is struggling to get out of this social suicide. Maybe our children will have it easier.
^ its a great thread. please do not steer it again into blaming all of womens problems and issues on men. thats the point of this thread, take control, take charge of who YOU want to be, cut the strings from the family who is holding you back, if thats what YOU want. do not sit at home and conveniently blame the 'culture' for keeping you there, especially not when we are in the west and there is ample opportunity to be what we want to be.
Patriot, I don't think PCG is suggesting blaming men. I think the point is that we have to acknowledge that society is constructed often with a bias toward men. Once we acknowledge that, we have to prepare ourselves and develop who we are inspite of that.
One thing I will say with regards to Pakistani culture, is that we (girls) need to stop worry about what other people will think/say. A lot of our behaviour is driven by that. We (girls) need to look out for ourselves and protect ourselves cause reality is, nobody else will. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will turn into a doormat, and eventually you won't even like looking in the mirror because you won't like the person you have turned into.
Focus on yourself first, instead of giving so much importance to society/culture.
That is actually really hard.
This is very true, and a key part of the problem. Even open-minded and progressive people will look badly upon someone who breaks the mold. It's important to be able to determine what is good and right for yourself, and to act on it, regardless of what others think.
It all has to with keeping a balance in your life. While thinking of yourself first is a priority for an average mind, you are not living your life in a vacuum. You are someone’s somebody. You owe other people some sacrifices yet you shouldn’t lose yourself in the process.
Balancing your life and your roles is not easy but we all have to do it regardless of the gender.
Of course you need to keep a balance. But often we disregard that in favor of pleasing others, or keeping peace, or maintaining the status quo, because the unknown is far scarier to us.
AWESOME AWESOME post!!
Usually some situations are nothing but a vicious cycle of martyrdom , for example men/husbands glorifying women/wives who live in misery than change their surroundings--this is a never ending cycle, where the male offspring will accept this as a norm and expect his wife to be a slave to such atrocious living conditions. To be honest its sadistic and not worthy of being glorified...movie mothers, drama wives are NOT an appropriate representation of how real life relationships should be!!
Totally true! I see this in my own mother and her generation and it totally upsets me. The approach seems to come hand in hand with becoming a mother; I just wish they'd recognize that being a good mother is not about losing who you are and sacrificing everything of your own. It's important to be strong, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, etc. Your children learn from your example.
thirdly, from what I have seen, in the so called "privileged" households girls boast about not having to lift a finger, and young men roam around in swanky cars without any responsibilities. Plenty of ample opportunity going to waste..an ivy league school or even a local private school is not a guarantee for success, YOU have to become the person who will make the effort, not your degree..
This is true. Your privilege is meaningless without the effort that makes it productive. Our parents sacrifice a lot for us to have bright futures. It is not right for us to take that for granted. Or to waste it.
Women and men are intertwined. You cannot discuss the problems women have today with their personal selves without examining the causes in our society. Men have had a huge hand to play in making sure women don't develop a sense of self in Pakistani culture.
what garbage
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
BRILLIANT POST!! claps appreciation .......finally a holy grail for women to follow and understand...
Love the whole post but my fav is the 3rd one im gona post it on my facebook!
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
I am deeply hurt. My posts are not generic. They take hours upon hours to formulate to piss off as many people as possible.
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
^ I've always admired that about you :D
CuteGurl - Aw thanks!
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
hey gals...i am married for sometime now and i think one major thing girls shd know is to hold their tongues. keep your scathy retorts to yourself. it will keep u out of lot of trouble in life. married or unmarried.
must say super post sarah.
Agree.. brilliant thread and the best read I’ve had in ages 
Great post Sarah02 :Taaliyaan: You articulated it all so well.
With your permission, I'm going to copy paste this and email it to my friends... sick of those useless stupid chain emails. This will a refreshing change and a good way of knocking some sense into some ladies I know. I hope it works keeping my fingers crossed.
Re: Get your act together, Ladies
^ Sure. No problem.
Just read the bolded parts. 
Sahar, I think that if I met you in real life I would just love you. Such a great summary. Right on, sistah! :)