This thread is inspired by (and not in mockery of) PCG’s for boys.
1. Take responsibility and make your own decisions. It is NOT appropriate for an adult female to simply let everyone else run her life. Women who do this are told that they are so wonderful because they are so obedient and so compromising. These “compliments” serve only to keep you from having control in your life and end up leading to many unhappy events. YOU are the one who must live with the consequences of the decisions that are made about your life. You alone will need to deal with them. So take advice from those your trust, but SPEAK UP for yourself and be involved before any decision is made on your behalf. It is not your choice; it is your DUTY as an adult.
2. Parents are not infallible. Most parents want the best for their children. But that doesn’t make them perfect and unbiased. They can be selfish sometimes. They can be close-minded. They can be paranoid and scared. They can hold grudges. They can care too much about what others think. All of these feelings and tendencies can lead to bad decisions for you. So respect your parents; but don’t allow that respect to silence or blind you.
**3. You teach people how to treat you. ** If you constantly sacrifice your own time, energy, and free will for others, people will begin to think you “don’t mind.” They will take you for granted because you’ve made it okay. People are inherently self-centered, even the ones that mean well. You have to let people know what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment. Then follow-through by being clear about boundaries and your expectations when you feel things aren’t working out. Don’t remain silent; your silence is acceptance of the treatment and then you yourself are to blame for your own suffering.
**4. It’s not “better” to be a victim or a martyr. ** It is not better to stay in a bad situation to “keep the peace.” It is not right to complain about an oppressive situation to others, but do little to fix it. Also remember that being a doormat is not setting a good example for your children. You are doing them no favors by showing them that this kind of treatment is acceptable. No child needs to see her/his mother constantly beaten down and unhappy. And it is important for both boys and girls to understand that it is not “normal” or “acceptable” to treat others in an oppressive manner.
**5. If you project an image that is all about your superficial qualities, people will see you as little else. **If you devote your time and energy to spending daddy’s money and hubby’s, and talk of little else, don’t be shocked when people don’t value your opinions and take you seriously. If you spend all your time drawing attention to your looks and clothes, don’t be shocked when people lose interest quickly.
**6. Contribute positively and productively to the world. **Whether that means you are a caring and vigilant mother, a thorough and talented housewife, a volunteer in your community, a creative artist, an insightful lawyer, a skilled doctor saving lives, etc. Find ways to share your talents with the community in a way that benefits the whole (and visibly, if possible). Make your life about something more than yourself.
7. Get an education. An education isn’t simply about getting a job; it’s about growing as a thinking and responsible human being. Regardless of any natural talents our brains and hearts may have, it’s important to challenge and train them in a way to improve ourselves. Self-improvement does not end at 22. Always look for ways to better yourself, and you will benefit everyone around you.
**8. Be capable of being independent. ** You may not want an independent lifestyle. But often life does not go as planned. Don’t trap yourself into a bad situation you can’t get out of simply because you assumed someone would always be there to take care of you. Being an adult is about becoming a responsible human being – you should be able to take on responsibility for yourself and others who need you, should it ever be necessary.
**9. A wedding is to create and honor a sacred union, not a day for you to feel like a princess. ** If all the discussions (and arguments) leading to the marriage are about clothes, jewelry, and money, you are in real danger of losing sight of the big picture, and that can lead to bad decisions in the future. It is imperative that you discuss what it means for the two of you to make a commitment to each other, to God, to family, and to friends. And remember that marriage will change your life.
**10. Talk about the important stuff BEFORE you make a commitment. **Make sure you discuss what that means, what you expect from others, and what they expect of you. Don’t wait until AFTER the marriage to address the kind of lifestyle you envision for yourself. Remember that Pakistani men in particular have years of cultural expectations and hundreds of family members to support them in their desire for a wife that takes care of all their needs. Of course the expectation is unreasonable, but we shouldn’t be surprised that they would resist change. I think pretty much ANYONE (male or female) would love to have someone who takes care of them, cooking, cleaning, spoiling, serving, and without complaint. And when the cultural expectation is there that you are supposed to have someone like that, wouldn’t you be disappointed – and even angry – when you didn’t get that? So if you’re marrying a Pakistani man from a Pakistani family, don’t wait until you’re married to think about whether or not this is the role you want to play. Don’t wait to find out if he has these more traditional expectations. Address these issues before the marriage. Otherwise you threaten the very sanctity of your marriage.
**11. Marry someone who will be a partner in life with you. **This means that you marry someone who will nourish your body and soul, someone who will energize and inspire you, someone who will engage and better you. Find someone who you can care for and who can care for you as needed. Not someone who has the job, bank account or car that you currently find most impressive.
**12. It is important to deal with issues by addressing the source. **If something your husband did is bothering you, don’t go blab to everyone in your family and all of your friends. TALK TO HIM. If you have a complaint about someone, address the concern with that person. Otherwise, your complaints are simply back-biting and gossip and will never lead to an improved situation. And the fault is your own.
**13. If you choose to do nothing productive to improve your situation, then you don’t deserve to have your concerns addressed. ** Stop whining and DO something.
14. Being a mother is about raising a HUMAN BEING. Being a mother is hard work and it is a job that NEVER ends; yes, it’s very rewarding. But if you go into it without THINKING you will not only hurt yourself and your husband, you will be doing a real injustice to the human being you are raising. So do not become a mother because you are bored. Do not become a mother because you want attention. Do not become a mother just to have something to cuddle. Do not become a mother to please your parents, inlaws, husband, etc. Do not become a mother to fix your relationships with your spouse or other adults. Do not become a mother to prove something to someone else. Become a mother because you are ready for the very real responsibility of raising a human being. They don’t stay babies for very long, so make sure you realize what you are getting into.
**15. If you have devoted your life to your children and husband, make sure you are also cultivating a talent and interest. **As time passes, the needs of children and spouse change. When children become more independent, it is important that you remain attentive, but also encourage their growth and independence. You shouldn’t NEED them to be around all the time. You shouldn’t NEED to be fussing over them. Too many mothers become unnecessarily clingy as children begin college and work, and use guilt to draw children back into the home more and more often. You should have other ways to occupy your time and help you contribute to the world around you. You should be happy with a little independence too, and find new ways to share and grow with your children.
**16. Don’t always assume the woman is at fault. **When we hear of a conflict on GS we may favor the woman; however, in our personal lives, women are often very suspicious of the other women in their lives. Often when we hear of issues and conflicts that relate to people we know, we are quick to judge the woman in the situation (for being a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad worker, etc). It makes us feel better about ourselves. Though of course there are circumstances when this may well be true, it is important that we do not let our natural competition with other women blind us from fully understanding a situation. Otherwise we only perpetuate what negative attitudes toward women in general. We are our own worst enemies.
**17. Avoid language that is derogatory to women. **B itch, s lut, w hore, rape, ho-bag, nympho, p ussy, etc. A lot of these words (and many similar ones) are casually used in conversation these days, and women themselves use them. We’re “just joking,” but in perpetuating the casual use of these words, we make it okay for men and women to look at women in a demeaning manner, making progress more and more difficult.
