Get your act together, Ladies

[S02]

@MehnazQ

Sahar, in order to follow even half of your points, one thing that is really important is that you MUST have confidence and a strong sense of self-esteem. How a person gets themselves into bad situations is due to their inability to believe in themselves.

Nobody is perfect. However, that doesn’t make you inadequate or a failure. It is important to recognize your own strengths and qualities. If you are able to recognize it, and truely believe it, that’s how you ‘start’ to give yourself confidence.

Another important thing that I learned is that you cannot allow anybody else to define who you are … be it your parents, friends, siblings, husbands/boyfriends. You cannot allow their opinions of you to define who you are and you cannot live your life based on their definitions of who you are.

This comes back to your confidence level. Recognize who you are. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses. Just because someone says something negative to you, about you (i.e. you are a “fill in the blank”), does it make it true? Are you really whatever this person is saying?

Give yourself credit and start building your confidence and self-esteem.

A lot of what you have written is common sense. However, you won’t put it into practice unless you actually believe it … and in order to believe even half of these points, you need to believe in yourself first.

You’re right, Mehnaz. I don’t know where this confidence comes from, but I imagine it’s different for every woman. For some it’s natural to who they are, for others it was cultivated by parents, and for others it’s developed based on difficult and rewarding experiences.

We also have to make every effort not to let ourselves fall into “learned helplessness,” not to use the fact that we don’t believe we can keep us from trying.

@PyariCgudia

Women in our culture are programmed to think of their identity as an extension of their family, as an extension of their familial roles and responsibilities, rather than as an identity created de novo out of your own choices and likes/dislikes.

You are someone’s maa. You are someone’s behn. You are someone’s beti. You are someone’s wife.

In our culture, when are you…you?

I go to the masjid, and whenever they talk about stories of the women in Islam, they always refer to these women by their relationships. They don’t say Oh, these women (and name them). They’ll say “oh the wives of the prophet, they were so obedient”. Gimme a break - our men haven’t done us any justice in portraying us as anything other than an extension of their own existence.

I think our generation is struggling to get out of this social suicide. Maybe our children will have it easier.

@PatriotX

^ its a great thread. please do not steer it again into blaming all of womens problems and issues on men. thats the point of this thread, take control, take charge of who YOU want to be, cut the strings from the family who is holding you back, if thats what YOU want. do not sit at home and conveniently blame the ‘culture’ for keeping you there, especially not when we are in the west and there is ample opportunity to be what we want to be.

Patriot, I don’t think PCG is suggesting blaming men. I think the point is that we have to acknowledge that society is constructed often with a bias toward men. Once we acknowledge that, we have to prepare ourselves and develop who we are inspite of that.

@MehnazQ

One thing I will say with regards to Pakistani culture, is that we (girls) need to stop worry about what other people will think/say. A lot of our behaviour is driven by that. We (girls) need to look out for ourselves and protect ourselves cause reality is, nobody else will. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you will turn into a doormat, and eventually you won’t even like looking in the mirror because you won’t like the person you have turned into.

Focus on yourself first, instead of giving so much importance to society/culture.

That is actually really hard.

This is very true, and a key part of the problem. Even open-minded and progressive people will look badly upon someone who breaks the mold. It’s important to be able to determine what is good and right for yourself, and to act on it, regardless of what others think.

@Fayz

It all has to with keeping a balance in your life. While thinking of yourself first is a priority for an average mind, you are not living your life in a vacuum. You are someone’s somebody. You owe other people some sacrifices yet you shouldn’t lose yourself in the process.

Balancing your life and your roles is not easy but we all have to do it regardless of the gender.

Of course you need to keep a balance. But often we disregard that in favor of pleasing others, or keeping peace, or maintaining the status quo, because the unknown is far scarier to us.

@chanda_kh

AWESOME AWESOME post!!

Usually some situations are nothing but a vicious cycle of martyrdom , for example
men/husbands glorifying women/wives who live in misery than change their surroundings–this is a never ending cycle, where the male offspring will accept this as a norm and expect his wife to be a slave to such atrocious living conditions. To be honest its sadistic and not worthy of being glorified…movie mothers, drama wives are NOT an appropriate representation of how real life relationships should be!!

Totally true! I see this in my own mother and her generation and it totally upsets me. The approach seems to come hand in hand with becoming a mother; I just wish they’d recognize that being a good mother is not about losing who you are and sacrificing everything of your own. It’s important to be strong, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, etc. Your children learn from your example.

@chanda_kh

thirdly, from what I have seen, in the so called “privileged” households girls boast about not having to lift a finger, and young men roam around in swanky cars without any responsibilities. Plenty of ample opportunity going to waste..an ivy league school or even a local private school is not a guarantee for success, YOU have to become the person who will make the effort, not your degree..

This is true. Your privilege is meaningless without the effort that makes it productive. Our parents sacrifice a lot for us to have bright futures. It is not right for us to take that for granted. Or to waste it.