Frustrated - how to deal with my man child husband

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi Guys,

It's been a while since I have used the forum!

Bit of background - almost 2.5 years a go after the court drama for custody, I decided to give my husband another chance(second chance) and alhumduliah everything has been fine since then. The issues for the breakdown in the first place haven't surfaced up again and it seems my husband had matured enough to be able to carry the marriage forward.

Fast forward and everything is good except one thing. He is good with our 4year old and with me, alhumduliah I KNOW he respects me in his heart and is open minded about everything. Helps me financially and things back home with my in laws are on excellent terms too except one problem.

I am every so often yelling at hubby because there is just nothing that seems to work and I know yelling doesn't get me anywhere either. Basically he is a very quiet reserved person who doesn't argue back much but has the most stubborn nature I have ever seen. He works about 56 hours and I work part time, therefore I understand that he is unable to help me around the house as much however I am just sick of him being a child when it comes to anything that he has to do around the house. His job is physically active and mine is a desk job. I run the household, finances, paperwork, social everything. He goes to work, comes home and lounges on the sofa with the TV. Although I work less, I hardly watch TV because I just don't have the time.

Hubby works from 12pm and I work some mornings. I wake up early and go sleep late after he comes home 10:30. The problem is I get no help, no appreciation or anything from him at all. Litterly apart from watching tv and surfing his phone he will not do anything. If child needs food, drink, toilet - it is all down to me. I've kind of got used to it but I really don't want to be a doormat. He has one day off and again it is spent either sleeping or on the sofa. I get no help from him, I even DIY and re-decorated throughout the whole house all by myself. School runs etc are all me.

The problem comes when he has to drop our child off to my mums for her daycare when I am at work. He is unable to look after her because as soon as she starts whining or has a difficult morning - he just comes to me and asks me to do it(which is difficult as I work in call centre and am WFH atm) or I can hear her crying and screaming them both having a meltdown. Over time, this has sorted itself out and I keep away from the routine although as a mother, this was very difficult. All I want sometimes is just company whilst I am doing things around the household. If I fall, trip or hurt myself in and around the house, he will not come and see me. He says, he instinctively knows that I'm fine. Once when our child dropped a plate of food that she was giving to him, he did not get up to clean the plate.

Unfortunately, he is a mess around the house, if he sees that the toilet paper needs changing - he will leave it there. If he seems something in his way that needs chucking in the bin, it will never be picked. I have tried the leave the mess and he will do it himself. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage and wasn't able to do anything and the house was a mess. I decided to leave it and 3 weeks later, it was just awful and as someone who likes cleanliness, I couldn't stand it any longer and cleaned it myself.

The only thing he hates is having dishes in the sink and he will go ahead and wash those if it bothers HIM. If I ask him for help or to do something, his ONLY line is he hasn't got time. He sometimes says he will do it when he has time but that time never comes. Sometimes if I need a bin emptying, I need it done there and then or in the same day - but with him , you could be waiting weeks and weeks. His family know and acknowledge the issue but they can't do much all the way from Pakistan. He is the youngest in his family and they accept that they should have brought him up better but honestly guys I am running out of ideas. It's really putting me down and I am unable to get through to him and it is making me depressed but he just can't seem to change these ways of his.

Another problem is that when he takes our child out to my mothers for day care, he doesn't get her ready properly but he himself is always well presented and showers etc. He will half heartedly get her ready, her hair won't be brushed, her nose will be uncleaned and she will be dressed in un-ironed creased clothes and the iron is next to the clothes cupboard so it doesn't take more than 2 minutes.

The good thing is that he really doesn't restrict us in anyway, he has now got a good bond with our child and is generally all good. just the above points of concernI just don't know what to do anymore, I can't run away somewhere and stay because that wouldn't be fair on my daughter. I don't want to go through another separation. Yelling, talking nicely, setting tasks etc doesn't work. My mum is a very traditional woman so she is very soft with him so there isn't any help.

I sometimes honestly feel that if we lived in a joint family setting with his family, he wouldn't do half the things he does because we live alone. I actually feel so lonely, I am a very social person. Please help.

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Avoid yelling at him because it causes people to shut down. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him where you begin with an apology for having said anything during your rants that might have hurt him, but that you really need his support because you feel depressed and you're nearing a breaking-point and you fear the impact this will have on your ability to parent your daughter effectively, to perform your job, etc. If he really is the good person you say he is, then this admission should hopefully grab his attention if he (too) does not want to go through another separation. Don't list all the things he does wrong or fails to do because he can think that it's better not to make an effort if he's going to be criticized. Just tell him how you're not in a good place mentally/emotionally and let that open the floor for discussion and possible solutions and lists and schedules and such.

Talk to him about hiring a maid if that's an option you'd be open to. If it helps you can tell him that you've been contemplating marriage counseling. Maybe hearing that will give him that mental jolt that he could potentially lose you again. You can even try taking a prolonged break from him if possible and let him experience life without you there to make things clean and orderly and habitable. You could also try enlisting the help of a trusted and respected friend or family member to talk to him on your behalf, but that also comes with the risk of him feeling embarrassed.

Do you reward him for his inconsideration? If he believes that you will continue to remain affectionate even after his lack of support, maybe that why he persists in being a man child.

You mentioned that you don't feel appreciated, but you've also said many good things about your husband. Do you appreciate and compliment him? And not just the rare, one-off compliment. Sometimes we have to show appreciation and praise and tenderness to get them in return.

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It is hard to give you good advice without hearing your husband’s side of the story because there are just so many possible reasons behind his lack of interest. I’m wondering if he is avoiding doing household work or outright avoiding you. I used to do a lot of housework from an early age all the way up to several years after marriage, but now I have completely stopped doing that. Not because I can no longer do that but because I have been told several times that I do only “easy” things and “yeh tou main bhi ker sakti thee” or a lecture on how something I did messed it up. When she is gone to Pakistan, on top of household work I invite my friends over for dinner and arrange picnics for 20+ people without leaving any mess behind as I never hesitate doing such work. However, when it is just not about household work rather about venting frustration and pressuring me to accept other demands, I stop playing that game altogether.

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I wonder what her side of the story is. :stuck_out_tongue:

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It seems to be more than just failure to help out with the domestic chores. Her husband comes home late from work and she said she feels lonely, and there is no mention of them spending any bonding time together.

His response that "I know instinctively that you're okay" is not just lame, it's weird. Seriously. It's a weird response. God forbid if the guy's daughter or mother was seriously injured, would he say that "Beta/Ammi, I didn't ask if you are okay because I knew instinctively that you'll be fine." Err WTH?? Makes you wonder if he's harboring a grudge or some feeling of dissatisfaction or resentment towards his wife that needs to be addressed.

Another point: The tasks that are a routine for her are like second-nature to her; she can do them in her sleep. Usually moms are pros at picking out outfits for their children and paying attention to all the details such as a clean face, neat hair, clean fingernails and ears and elbows. Someone who is not in the habit of doing certain tasks will struggle with things like how to do it, where to find the necessary materials, what to check for, how much and when, etc. So, you have to show them how to go about it, or you have to adjust your expectations and know that they won't be able to handle every task with finesse, but maybe they can help out with other things that are easier for them. But it seems like he's not much inclined toward any task about the house.

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]
It seems to be more than just failure to help out with the domestic chores. Her husband comes home late from work and she said she feels lonely, and there is no mention of them spending any bonding time together.

His response that “I know instinctively that you’re okay” is not just lame, it’s weird. Seriously. It’s a weird response. God forbid if the guy’s daughter or mother was seriously injured, would he say that “Beta/Ammi, I didn’t ask if you are okay because I knew instinctively that you’ll be fine.” Err WTH?? Makes you wonder if he’s harboring a grudge or some feeling of dissatisfaction or resentment towards his wife that needs to be addressed.

Another point: The tasks that are a routine for her are like second-nature to her; she can do them in her sleep. Usually moms are pros at picking out outfits for their children and paying attention to all the details such as a clean face, neat hair, clean fingernails and ears and elbows. Someone who is not in the habit of doing certain tasks will struggle with things like how to do it, where to find the necessary materials, what to check for, how much and when, etc. So, you have to show them how to go about it, or you have to adjust your expectations and know that they won’t be able to handle every task with finesse, but maybe they can help out with other things that are easier for them. But it seems like he’s not much inclined toward any task about the house.

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The guy is working 56 hours at a physically demanding job, she is doing part time call centre from home, plus she is yelling so that is verbal. emotional and psychological abuse. Did you ever work 12 hours physically demanding work and than come home and get yelled at and he does not respond to yelling by yelling. I think the guy is a saint and just doing it for the kid.

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I really feel for your husband, poor guy!

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You do all the work around the house...he is doing hard work to earn the money......... you think he is not fulfilling his part of the deal - he thinks he is by putting money on the table....... and sounds like even if he did something..you will still criticize it....... i can understand where the guy is coming from.........

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My mom has always been a homemaker and my dad was the only source of income.

Still my dad MashaAllah understood that the home belongs to everyone and that the kids belong to both him and my mom.

My mom did the bulk of the domestic chores. But my dad still helped. When we were growing up, he would cook during the weekends and now he will make chai and breakfast for my mom. He would also clean up in the kitchen when he was cooking (washing dishes, putting things away). My mom would help us with the homework, but my dad was usually the one to meet teachers for conferences. He also manages to do his own ironing sometimes.

Now if you guys want to look at it from an Islamic POV (if that matters) then the Prophet SAWS did tend to the household tasks.

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As I said before, there are many issues in Coffegirl’s post. There are also many contradictions.

She says that her husband respects her, but not even inquiring if your wife is okay when she gets hurt is the opposite of respect. It’s a negation and a contradiction. It’s a kind of jahaalat. This is basic tameez, people.

On one hand she feels exhausted because she gets no help at home. And on the other hand she wants her husband’s company while she’s doing ghar k kaam. So she has to decide. Does she only want his company?Does she want his help. Or does she want both?

It usually takes the eff-ups of 2 people for a marriage to become strained, although both parties tend to put the sole blame on each other.

With that said, having read her post several times I won’t say that the wife is completely faultless here. It doesn’t seem like she’s even aware of her own contradictions and faults in her post.

For one, she has to understand that yelling at person causes these invisible wounds that makes them defensive and causes them to shut down. And if she’s guilty of doing that (and it seems she is) then apologizing to her husband will be a good place to start.

Secondly, she has to understand that the tasks that come easy to her such as dressing up her daughter are a routine for her. She does it ALL THE TIME. She’s a PRO at it. Your husband is not a pro at it, so he’s going to make mistakes, he’s going to mess up, he’s going to overlook details such as clean nose and nails and ears that she, as a mother, notices all the time because she is around her daughter more. And, NO, just because he's had more than 20 years of experience dressing himself up doesn't mean that he will be equally expert in dressing up a child.

Having said the above, she has to understand that he will be able to perform some tasks better than others. So, she has to adjust her expectations. Don’t expect him to be a pro at dressing up the kid. Don't expect him to be a pro at all the things that you (as a mother) have been doing every day and that are second nature to you. But maybe there are other tasks that he can better manage. Sometimes you can't have it all and you have to take what you're getting.

If you do have a problem with the way your husband did something, then you need to express that in a caring way and he’ll be more receptive. Be a little flirty about it if you have to. Talk him up and praise him when he does do something around the home to help you. Encourage him, don’t discourage him.

If your parents are near by, then leave your daughter with them for a while and go out with your husband. From your post it seems as though you miss spending time with him. There is no mention of bonding time and outings. Infuse your interactions with praise and appreciation and tenderness and maybe he’ll reciprocate more of that as well.

Now if he really is that dheet as you say he is, and let’s face it, some people have this seemingly genetic aversion to household tasks, then talk to him about hiring a maid. People do it all the time. Hire a maid if you can afford it. She can even come in 2-3 times a week and help with the cleaning. That will leave you less tired so you have more energy for your child and husband.

Also, the pandemic has made so many of us feel like a caged hamster running upon a wheel. People feel trapped. So, take a mini vacation for yourself if you can to recharge. It can be a little road trip or a even a smaller get away with your gal pals, a visit to the spa for a massage or a facial, or something to recharge and refresh.

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But for those of you saying that it’s totally okay for the husband to be soooo damn la-parwah that he can’t even pick up a plate that fell right in front of him (because he is full-time kamanay wala that works longer hours).......THEN I will leave you with something my mom says:

”Even a cow or a majjh will move its tail about to make the ground it sits upon a bit cleaner.” (moral of the quote: don’t be worse than the majjh)

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]
But for those of you saying that it’s totally okay for the husband to be soooo damn la-parwah that he can’t even pick up a plate that fell right in front of him (because he is full-time kamanay wala that works longer hours)…THEN I will leave you with something my mom says:

”Even a cow or a majjh will move its tail about to make the ground it sits upon a bit cleaner.” (moral of the quote: don’t be worse than the majjh)
[/quote]

Funny how your life stories are exactly that of @redvelvet . I hardly see any thriving realtionships between the 100s of desis I know, Just being on twitter it seems that almost all Pak back ground men subscribe to patriarchy and believe in gender roles and see cooking, cleaning and looking after kids as a womans role, and many women from twitter have an incredible sense of entitlement where they feel that they are entitled to the sky and the moon. Raising one kid is not a mammoth task, Sam raised 2 most amazing girls, worked full time, put them into sports and all, so it is possible for OP to look at her schedule and see why this is so overwhelming.

The biggest rule in relationshio is 1/10 rule, means anything negative you do negates 10 good acts, him being taken to court, being criticized, yelled at and disrespected and the expectation is he is going to be full of love and caring?

He seems to be there only for the kid. Best case scenario is they both move along and yelling in front of kid is extremely destructive and most good parents would not do that. What message does that send to the kid?

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OhhmiiGodliiikewowwww!!! Redvelvet Ji has a very domesticated dad, TOOO?!?? That’s friggin’ awesome! :chai:

Speaking of Sam, I think OP should take a page from the success story of Sam I Am by Dr. Raabertt (Baab) Seuss:

Locate biggest chaakoo in kitchen.

Then locate husband and stand before him. (Make sure kid is not around)

Lift up kameez and rest chaakoo tip on belly.

Threaten husband with soocide if he doesn’t help you at least 1/10 times in the home.

If your husband is even half the Lalloo that Bobby is, he will oblige.

Ohhhhmiiiigod, it’s so funny how RV also called you a lalloo.

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He is the youngest and so i dont think will change even if joint family setting, as too use at others for doing the things

As being reserved and stubborn person too, i can say he is treated like a punching bag , and wont bother doing anything on own unless ask too nor will put 100% into it when have too

Do or not is the same result of rola dona and no appreciation

As for him saying that he instinctively knows you are fine, its like if she still crying shouting she is fine or else will be quiet if not fine

Like its against her nature she went so quiet, somethings wrong

Thats how i see things too

I guess maybe praise more whenever does good and restrain when bad and see if any change in behavior

and if you do say to him that you are a man child , better stop as its corrosive and thr grudge will increase

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]
But for those of you saying that it’s totally okay for the husband to be soooo damn la-parwah that he can’t even pick up a plate that fell right in front of him (because he is full-time kamanay wala that works longer hours)…THEN I will leave you with something my mom says:

”Even a cow or a majjh will move its tail about to make the ground it sits upon a bit cleaner.” (moral of the quote: don’t be worse than the majjh)
[/quote]

This sort of behavior is instilled into a child by the mother. I grew up with a mother who has had one health related issue after another, and has almost met her maker on more than one occasion. She thought us from a very young age, to fend for ourselves, and if it wasn’t for her, me and my brother would grow up to be just like any other desi guy, too pampered to ever be worth anything.

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I’ve seen you bring this up several times. Why would RV use a multi? Why would she go through the trouble of making a new user account, when she has had an excellent repo amongst members of this community?.

Nothing on Twitter should be taken seriously. Especially, desi-twitter or muslim-twitter.

Surprisingly, I agree with you on this one.

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A7mado, how long should one continue to blame their failures on their upbringing? At some point, people have to move on from the mistakes of their parents and better themselves.

People are not reading Op’s post carefully. I’m trying to see it from both angles, from Coffeegirl’s as well as her husband’s. Everyone thus far has expressed disapproval for her yelling at her husband and rightly so. Thankfully she has admitted to this fault and will hopefully try to rectify her behavior going forward.

Secondly, it’s unreasonable for her to expect her husband to be an expert in every chore. She’s gotta understand that he will fumble with the tasks that she is adept at because he is not used to doing them.She has to let some things go. If he’s not that passionate about decor and arranging social shindigs, then don’t guilt him for it.

The home belongs to everyone and to totally exempt a person from any and all domestic tasks on the basis of having longer work hours is ridiculous. Yes, the longer hours warrants some leniency. But not total exemption.

With this kind of logic, what’s next? Telling your teenaged child that they don’t have to clean up at home cuz they have a full load of classes and expect the 4-year-old to do the chores because they don’t get homework? Um, no. The teenager does their part. The 4-year-old does their part.

The little things add up and wear a person down mentally over time. It’s exhausting that someone should wait for you to come clean a spill that they witnessed and you didn’t.

There is some sort of disconnect between this couple. It’s like there are underlying issues are creating distance between them and have to be addressed.

And of course Coffeegirl has done what many posters here do: Create a thread to vent and then disappear instead of returning to clarify questions.

Anyhoo…

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]

A7mado, how long should one continue to blame their failures on their upbringing? At some point, people have to move on from the mistakes of their parents and better themselves.

People are not reading Op’s post carefully. I’m trying to see it from both angles, from Coffeegirl’s as well as her husband’s. Everyone thus far has expressed disapproval for her yelling at her husband and rightly so. Thankfully she has admitted to this fault and will hopefully try to rectify her behavior going forward.

Secondly, it’s unreasonable for her to expect her husband to be an expert in every chore. She’s gotta understand that he will fumble with the tasks that she is adept at because he is not used to doing them.She has to let some things go. If he’s not that passionate about decor and arranging social shindigs, then don’t guilt him for it.

The home belongs to everyone and to totally exempt a person from any and all domestic tasks on the basis of having longer work hours is ridiculous. Yes, the longer hours warrants some leniency. But not total exemption.

With this kind of logic, what’s next? Telling your teenaged child that they don’t have to clean up at home cuz they have a full load of classes and expect the 4-year-old to do the chores because they don’t get homework? Um, no. The teenager does their part. The 4-year-old does their part.

The little things add up and wear a person down mentally over time. It’s exhausting that someone should wait for you to come clean a spill that they witnessed and you didn’t.

There is some sort of disconnect between this couple. It’s like there are underlying issues are creating distance between them and have to be addressed.

And of course Coffeegirl has done what many posters here do: Create a thread to vent and then disappear instead of returning to clarify questions.

Anyhoo…
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While I agree with most of what you’ve said, I would disagree with the bit in the beginning. I’ll tell you why people refuse to change despite everything and why the parents are always to blame for what their kid turns out to be when they grow up.

The best time to groom a child is before their teenage years, you can pretty much get them to do anything, because at that age, they are so impressionable. But if you keep telling yourself that the child is too young to do anything right now, and that you’d wait for their teenage years to come around before you even try to instill basics of human etiquettes and morals into them, then its already too late and they will never learn.

The first 10 years of a kids life is where you teach them 90% of everything on how they’re supposed to act as grown-ups, otherwise you can forget about it. Because, expecting someone to change who they are while they’re in the 20’s, 30’s or older is nigh-on-impossible.

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At the end of the day, this is a fairly common story in households - one partner has a different idea of needed cleaning and chores. Maybe start small and assign him a household task to take ownership of. But if he doesnt see the point in any of it, maybe hire a cleaning person to show up once in a couple of weeks or something.