Frustrated - how to deal with my man child husband

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi,

I haven’t disappeared. I think a few misunderstandings do need to be cleared up. I do not shout but on this one occasion I did lose it, this was after telling my husband to iron my daughters shirt nicely for a few times after which he proceeded to say no he won’t. The shirt was so small because of the wrinkles that any sane person would think she had come out of the gutter and not with her father who should be looking after her basic needs. she had a massive booger coming out of her nose which no one needs to see to be able to remove. sorry for those who don’t want the details.

Background, I know he is not an expert and I don’t expect him to be. I have guided him nicely and kindly for a few weeks/but to still see no change is horrible. It’s almost like he purposely does to get me riled up. I have put a system in place and made it so damn easy of where her clothes are where her shoes are everything yet he takes no heed.

The point of posting was that, he is a nice man - he will do all the manly things around the house. He will protect me outside and I never have to worry about being unsafe or hitting into a problem outside that he can’t solve but he is litterley like a teenager. His sister who is almost like my best friend says to me that it was a very traditional house and the men were never brought up to housework etc. the problem is just this. a7mado has rightly put it, there are times when I feel like I’m just putting up with a teenager and I don’t condone physical punishment but sometimes I think all he needs is a parent figure/elder to give him a jutta and say that he shouldn’t be doing this or having this sort of attitude. I as a wife cannot do that and I think he can only change if he has that in himself but he just doesn’t

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]
As I said before, there are many issues in Coffegirl’s post. There are also many contradictions.

She says that her husband respects her, but not even inquiring if your wife is okay when she gets hurt is the opposite of respect. It’s a negation and a contradiction. It’s a kind of jahaalat. This is basic tameez, people.

On one hand she feels exhausted because she gets no help at home. And on the other hand she wants her husband’s company while she’s doing ghar k kaam. So she has to decide. Does she only want his company?Does she want his help. Or does she want both? Anything - company or anything. I think lacks something humanistic in him sometimes because where ever in life I have seen, as soon as you get home you go and see your mom/dad/bro sis and you don’t get sakoon until you have seen them in the house whereas he will come in the house and shout out salaam and if I don’t respond, he will never check up on me or ACTUALLY come upstairs to see me. he will go straight to the front room and will come a few hours later.

It usually takes the eff-ups of 2 people for a marriage to become strained, although both parties tend to put the sole blame on each other.

With that said, having read her post several times I won’t say that the wife is completely faultless here. It doesn’t seem like she’s even aware of her own contradictions and faults in her post.

For one, she has to understand that yelling at person causes these invisible wounds that makes them defensive and causes them to shut down. And if she’s guilty of doing that (and it seems she is) then apologizing to her husband will be a good place to start. I already do this straightaway but I am very careful of criticising him , I try and let him know gently but he just ignores me and then it just all builds up sometimes.

Secondly, she has to understand that the tasks that come easy to her such as dressing up her daughter are a routine for her. She does it ALL THE TIME. She’s a PRO at it. Your husband is not a pro at it, so he’s going to make mistakes, he’s going to mess up, he’s going to overlook details such as clean nose and nails and ears that she, as a mother, notices all the time because she is around her daughter more. And, NO, just because he’s had more than 20 years of experience dressing himself up doesn’t mean that he will be equally expert in dressing up a child.

Having said the above, she has to understand that he will be able to perform some tasks better than others. So, she has to adjust her expectations. Don’t expect him to be a pro at dressing up the kid. Don’t expect him to be a pro at all the things that you (as a mother) have been doing every day and that are second nature to you. But maybe there are other tasks that he can better manage. Sometimes you can’t have it all and you have to take what you’re getting.

If you do have a problem with the way your husband did something, then you need to express that in a caring way and he’ll be more receptive. Be a little flirty about it if you have to. Talk him up and praise him when he does do something around the home to help you. Encourage him, don’t discourage him. Will try this. Cheers :slight_smile:

I usually start off by saying everything nice and calmly and he won’t do it and then it will go on for weeks and then when I finally lose my temper, he will then turn completely stubborn and say, if you ask me nicely I will do it but then refuse to acknowledge that I have been asking for a good few weeks.

If your parents are near by, then leave your daughter with them for a while and go out with your husband. From your post it seems as though you miss spending time with him. There is no mention of bonding time and outings. Infuse your interactions with praise and appreciation and tenderness and maybe he’ll reciprocate more of that as well. This is what I meant to say, we have lots of outings, we take our daughter out, we eat out often and it’s always a great time. That side is all great, it’s just the behaviour at home. It’s just very slobby.

Now if he really is that dheet as you say he is, and let’s face it, some people have this seemingly genetic aversion to household tasks, then talk to him about hiring a maid. People do it all the time. Hire a maid if you can afford it. She can even come in 2-3 times a week and help with the cleaning. That will leave you less tired so you have more energy for your child and husband.

Unfortunately no maid culture in the UK, if I was in Pakistan - this would totally ease all my headache

Also, the pandemic has made so many of us feel like a caged hamster running upon a wheel. People feel trapped. So, take a mini vacation for yourself if you can to recharge. It can be a little road trip or a even a smaller get away with your gal pals, a visit to the spa for a massage or a facial, or something to recharge and refresh.
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I said to him after when I had clamed down that you know, it’s for your own good, if I am not around kudanahasta then you will not have to rely on anyone and won’t have to listen to anyone say you are dirty/don’t know how to do something and his response was that ‘I am hoshiyar, dunya ke samne kar longa’

I know many of you are gonna say, he doesn’t respect me if he says that but that’s the only thing we clash on so is it worth ending a marriage because of this?

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]

OhhmiiGodliiikewowwww!!! Redvelvet Ji has a very domesticated dad, TOOO?!?? That’s friggin’ awesome! :chai:

Speaking of Sam, I think OP should take a page from the success story of Sam I Am by Dr. Raabertt (Baab) Seuss:

Locate biggest chaakoo in kitchen.

Then locate husband and stand before him. (Make sure kid is not around)

Lift up kameez and rest chaakoo tip on belly.

Threaten husband with soocide if he doesn’t help you at least 1/10 times in the home.

If your husband is even half the Lalloo that Bobby is, he will oblige.

Ohhhhmiiiigod, it’s so funny how RV also called you a lalloo.
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Proof is in the pudding ain’t it ? Any peaks that any of your multis scaled?

If my kids were emotionally, psychologically and financially incapable of living and thriving on their own, I wouldn’t consider myself successful. Helping out once in a while is not domesticated. Here fathers are involved in teaching children how to swim, skate, canoe, kayak ski, snow board and scores of other activities. In my club fathers of many female athletes drive boats thousands of miles, build club houses, repair boats, install solar panels for clubs etc. Those are good fathers.

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Nobody here has equated domesticated to helping out once-in-a-blue-moon. The OP is more concerned about the domestic responsibilities and not sports and outdoors recreation. However, you can opt to create a separate thread or a blog entry to explore your off-tangent irrelevance. :slight_smile:

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]

Nobody here has equated domesticated to helping out once-in-a-blue-moon. The OP is more concerned about the domestic responsibilities and not sports and outdoors recreation. However, you can opt to create a separate thread or a blog entry to explore your off-tangent irrelevance. :slight_smile:
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Putting kids thru activities is a major responsibility of parents. The new standard is that physical literacy is as important as academic literacy. I seriously doubt there is anything you excel at. People should excel at at least some facet in life. Could be cooking, painting, singing, music, swimming running etc.

I am wondering if they are struggling with bare minimum than when kids needs a parent to take them for activities than who would. Gora grandparents help out. Would the grand parents help? My 2 door away neighbor was grand daughter of a land developer tycoon and grandpa would wait outside to take little grand kid for hockey, watch his games etc.

It would be great for kid to get away from arguments and focus on swimming, soccer, skating

No kids activities are not recreation, they are basic requirements.

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]
That’s a whole other thread. Take it elsewhere.
[/quote]

But domesticated Abbu should stay here! Sure.

BTW domesticated for men is an abusive term, it is normally used for wild animals thaught to stay amongst people

domesticated Add to list Share

Domesticated means trained to live or work for humans, i.e. pets and farm animals. For centuries humans have believe that dogs are domesticated wolves, but DNA testing reveals that they are in fact a different species.

Domesticated comes from domus, the Latin word for home, which is easy to remember — instead of a “roof over our heads” think of your “home as a dome.” Domus gives us not only domesticated (adapted to the home or the farm), but also domestic (cooking and cleaning are “domestic” chores), a domestic (someone like a maid who works inside a home as a paid employee), and domicile (a building that serves as a home). Thus domesticated means an animal tamed to live in your home — or, as some women like to joke, a man.

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LOL. In that case domesticated is an apt label for you. A strange bird like you trying so hard to make its home amongst normal people.

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[quote=““The Last Straw””]

LOL. In that case domesticated is an apt label for you. A strange bird like you trying so hard to make its home amongst normal people.

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Zahir Zakir and #minarepakistanincident is your normal people?

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Women never have a day off, it's work every day and taking care of the family every day. Males can take several days off of work, and do nothing at all, males can have a Sunday off or an entire weekend off, even from they physical jobs they still have rest in between. Females can't, not even 1 day of doing nothing at all. Taking care of children and doing the household plus having a job, is exhausting too. A desk job, especially a call center one, can be very exhausting, especially mentally. I've done both, I worked in a lab, although sometimes I filled in reports of the results of (chemical) tests, there was no real desk task involved. I also had temporary jobs in production lines. Yet, to me personally, those physical jobs weren't less exhausting than the call center jobs I had in customer service. You deal with the worst side of people in customer service work! (and coffeegirl, I feel for you having to do that) Every conversation is filled with a different kind of person and emotion, you have to adjust your own emotions and tone of voice for every different kind of call you have to handle, every few minutes, you have to 'on' all day long, very often it's not just people asking for information or help, but angry people blaming you for mistakes of others, yelling at you, insulting you on a personal level, even though you are trying to help them. All this can be mentally exhausting and takes away a lot of energy of many people. I'm grateful that at the moment, I don't have that job anymore! I even started searching for a physical job again so I wouldn't have do to call center work anymore.

Imagine doing call center work, all those phone calls which you have to handle, quickly one after another. Like in a production line, they watch how many minutes you spend on a call, you are only allowed to spend a certain amount of time per call. Contrary to what many people think, it's not an 'easy' job and certainly not a relaxing desk job. Then after finishing this work, you still have a lot of things to take care of at home, appointments for you child, taking care of your household, doing the groceries and cooking. And having a little child, there is literally no time to really relax. You are busy all the time. Coffeegirl has no Sundays off, no weekends off of doing nothing, because there is always her child to take care off and there is always the cooking to do and always the cleaning up to do, all by herself. And when her husband helps making more mess at home, instead of at least cleaning up his own mess, it doesn't help at all.

Yes coffeegirl isn't perfect, no human is. yes, the yelling doesn't help. Of course there should be understanding from both sides. But the people claiming that her husband should keep doing what he does now because he has a physical job, are typical . . . I see many desi males, even when they work less hours or when they don't have a physical job, doing next to nothing at home. There is still a lot pressure on females to do everything, even if they have a full time job, they are the ones who have to cook and clean after a full day of work. Nobody expects that of males. And after coffeegirl is done with her call center wok and starts her work at home of cleaning etc, that is physical work too, btw.

It's time to rethink the roles of males and females. I believe the husband of coffeegirl isn't a bad person, but a product of his cultural upbringing. And unfortunately, he isn't the only one. They do need have a talk about what both of them need from each other. Coffeegirl, I hope you and your husband will let go of cultural boundaries, forget what both of your families have said about gender roles and help each other. Is it possible that someone is filling his ears with nonsense like 'you are the man, you shouldn't take care of the child, you shouldn't go in the kitchen' etc? Forget about what other people will say. You need to give each other what you need, listen to each other. Perhaps he can agree to do some chores on the days when he doesn't have to work. Perhaps he can buy groceries, vacuum clean the home, I don't know. Find balance in the chores, and in other areas too. He has to make you feel protected and that he cares about your needs too, so when you hurt yourself, you can tell him that what really hurts is your heart that he can't even ask if you're okay, maybe he doesnt realise this. Perhaps this is how he grew up. And perhaps you feeling his doesn't care if you're okay by not helping you out. How about both doing housework? You can do the dishes together and spend time at once. Only by talking to each other, gently, and understanding what you both need from each other, will change this.

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[quote]
......... I believe the husband of coffeegirl isn't a bad person, but a product of his cultural upbringing. And unfortunately, he isn't the only one....
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this