I’m so annoyed by people and not just anyone, these people are my friends. The people who the least I expect from is to be happy for me, that’s all, but I guess.. Maybe I am expecting too much? I don’t think it would bother me this much if these people weren’t my friends… But not only does it bother me, it hurts too. So why is that when I’m happy everyone has to question it or not be happy for me? I really don’t expect much from people nor do I interfere with what keeps or makes them happy. I have always been there as a friend and supported them through whatever it was. So why? Why do people have a problem with me being happy? Is it just me? Or have any of you felt this way? Can people not simply see others happy? Are they friends or more like frenemies? Advice and opinions are welcome but please… let’s not be too mean.
There's something called "nazar".
Yes I know about that... but from your friends? I don't know... I've never had "nazar" on my friends happiness, I would always be genuinely happy for them so I guess it's something I didn't expect, if that is the case.
Forget about friends,a person is more likely to find someone jealous of him/her within their own family.
Forget about friends,a person is more likely to find someone jealous of him/her within their own family.
That's true. I've actually had to deal with that as well... It's just that I can't seem to understand why it's so hard for others who are close to you to be happy for you. I would expect that more from the "outsiders". It just boggles (i like that word) my mind.
Evaluate your friendship. Are they really your friends?.
Have you ever given them a reason to feel insecure with you and your happiness? Think about it.
At times what happenes is that we only focus on what is happening but forget to do a lil analysis for what could be the reasons and if we r in any way part of those reasons. Many a times what happens is that you don't realise that you could be giving out any signals that may make your friend or whoevr it is feel uncomfortable with you. So that could always bring that negative vibes from them.
- Could it be that the fact that their are not happy theirself hence they find it hard to share your happiness? i know thats not right but at the end of the day we r talking abt human beings and they r capable of such behavior.
For example: You may be totally excited at getting a new job but your friend may not be able to enjoy yr happiness with you cuz she wasnt able to get a job? U know what i mean. That kinda thing often makes people react this way though i strongly beileve you get what ur destined for nt being happy for someone who got what u wanted is not gonna do any good to u.
Lastly, if it really bothers u then by all means talk to yr friends about it. Let this not be a cause of animosity between you guys. Talk over it and try solve the issues responsible for this behavior frm yr frnds.
Good luck.
Re: Friends or Frenemies?
i don't think anyones after u or anything ... if my frnds are happy i always ask them too about why they'er happy ... not because i have an issue but because iwanna share their happiness with them and i wanna be a part of it ... so please don't take this hte wrong way your frnds are just looking out for u
Re: Friends or Frenemies?
Unless we know the situation ourselves, i dont think we can just call it jealousy.
It may not be that they're not happy for you but rather they desire that good thing for themselves...a job, marriage, children etc.
Also, its very likely that those closest to you may be able to see something as an outsider that you may not be able to see. (like if someone gets engaged and the dude seems kinda shady to everyone else).
Evaluate your friendship. Are they really your friends?.
Have you ever given them a reason to feel insecure with you and your happiness? Think about it.
At times what happenes is that we only focus on what is happening but forget to do a lil analysis for what could be the reasons and if we r in any way part of those reasons. Many a times what happens is that you don't realise that you could be giving out any signals that may make your friend or whoevr it is feel uncomfortable with you. So that could always bring that negative vibes from them.
- Could it be that the fact that their are not happy theirself hence they find it hard to share your happiness? i know thats not right but at the end of the day we r talking abt human beings and they r capable of such behavior.
For example: You may be totally excited at getting a new job but your friend may not be able to enjoy yr happiness with you cuz she wasnt able to get a job? U know what i mean. That kinda thing often makes people react this way though i strongly beileve you get what ur destined for nt being happy for someone who got what u wanted is not gonna do any good to u.
Lastly, if it really bothers u then by all means talk to yr friends about it. Let this not be a cause of animosity between you guys. Talk over it and try solve the issues responsible for this behavior frm yr frnds.
Good luck.
I get what you are saying.
I know why my friends would be protective over me and I understand that. But, what they need to understand is that they are still holding onto MY past which I have moved on from and have started to travel on a different path.
Everything I do is linked to my past and it just gets fustrating and I get tired of telling them and proving to them that it's OVER!
Now that years have passed and I'm actually happy, they have to again question it and can't be happy for me? I've tried talking to them, but I'm not the type of person to argue, it's drains energy and I don't have that in me to argue because everytime I try to make them realize by talking, it just leads to my past again and I just get fed up and feel that it is better to just stay quiet.
I'm honestly starting to think that things are, masha'Allah falling into place for me and they have become envious over it. I hate to think that but I'm left with nothing else to think or assume because I've tried dealing with it in every possible way.
Get what I'm saying?
i don't think anyones after u or anything ... if my frnds are happy i always ask them too about why they'er happy ... not because i have an issue but because iwanna share their happiness with them and i wanna be a part of it ... so please don't take this hte wrong way your frnds are just looking out for u
No, I don't feel that they are after me. I want to share my happiness with them but it's hard to do that when everytime you talk about it, it gets ignored or I get the "eye roll". Personally, that doesn't make me want to share things, so I don't.
As for looking out for me, I know how they do that and this is not it.
It justs starting to feel like they don't want to be part of my happiness and I guess I'm just going to have to accept that.
Unless we know the situation ourselves, i dont think we can just call it jealousy.
It may not be that they're not happy for you but rather they desire that good thing for themselves...a job, marriage, children etc.
Also, its very likely that those closest to you may be able to see something as an outsider that you may not be able to see. (like if someone gets engaged and the dude seems kinda shady to everyone else).
I totally understand what you're saying. In my situation... it's more like the close ones can't let go of my past and let me start new.
I'm honestly starting to think that things are, masha'Allah falling into place for me and they have become envious over it. I hate to think that but I'm left with nothing else to think or assume because I've tried dealing with it in every possible way.
Get what I'm saying?
I think i understand what you are trying to say. I am also trying to understand why your friends may be behaving the way they do. You didnt say anything abt them being nt good friends or showing any kind of ill behavior otherwise. I am thinking it could be a case of them feeling nt confident abt what perhaps is making u happy. U know what i mean?
I think i understand what you are trying to say. I am also trying to understand why your friends may be behaving the way they do. You didnt say anything abt them being nt good friends or showing any kind of ill behavior otherwise. I am thinking it could be a case of them feeling nt confident abt what perhaps is making u happy. U know what i mean?
Yes, I know what you mean. If they are not confident in what makes me happy it is only due to my past which is over and done with. That's what I'm trying to get at. The only reason they would or could possibly have is related to my past which I know is the issue because it is ALWAYS brought up whenever I tried to talk to them. I don't understand why the past can't remain behind and stay the past? The past is done, it's over with, whatever happened, happened. People move on from their past and learn from it, I have. So why does it have to be brought up over and over again? You don't understand how fustrating it is and how fed up I am of it. It is the ONLY thing that is brought up when I talk to them about this. What am I suppose to do? I'm tired of proving myself and all of it. I don't expect anything from them but for them to at least find some happiness in my happiness because I know they see it.
Yes, I know what you mean. If they are not confident in what makes me happy it is only due to my past which is over and done with. That's what I'm trying to get at. The only reason they would or could possibly have is related to my past which I know is the issue because it is ALWAYS brought up whenever I tried to talk to them. I don't understand why the past can't remain behind and stay the past? The past is done, it's over with, whatever happened, happened. People move on from their past and learn from it, I have. So why does it have to be brought up over and over again? You don't understand how fustrating it is and how fed up I am of it. It is the ONLY thing that is brought up when I talk to them about this. What am I suppose to do? I'm tired of proving myself and all of it. I don't expect anything from them but for them to at least find some happiness in my happiness because I know they see it.
ok think of it this way..........what other reason cud there be, instead of sheer concern for u, that wud make them be nt part of yr happiness? if u really think they r capable of jealousy then get rid of them. But if u know they r nt then look deep into it. U wl find yr answer.
u know, when u have been thru nt a great past u wanna run away frm it...far n forget abt it. however, at times it does leave an impact which cud mean lack of trust in u frm yr frnds. but u gotta take it up yr stride cuz it only proves how much they care for u.
I'm so annoyed by people and not just anyone, these people are my friends. The people who the least I expect from is to be happy for me, that's all, but I guess.. Maybe I am expecting too much? I don't think it would bother me this much if these people weren't my friends... But not only does it bother me, it hurts too. So why is that when I'm happy everyone has to question it or not be happy for me? I really don't expect much from people nor do I interfere with what keeps or makes them happy. I have always been there as a friend and supported them through whatever it was. So why? Why do people have a problem with me being happy? Is it just me? Or have any of you felt this way? Can people not simply see others happy? Are they friends or more like frenemies? Advice and opinions are welcome but please... let's not be too mean.
Hmm, have you done anything to offend them? Usually, I congratulate people and wish them well........even if I'm not overly crazy about them.........but there have been situations where I haven't done so because the individual has been deliberately/repeatedly offensive and doesn't care how their actions affect others.
Could it be your perceptions of what is "being happy for another person"? For example, some people might be okay with just receiving a verbal congrats or a simple "That's great, I'm happy for you." Others expect much more than that.
It could be jealousy. We've all experienced it, human nature. Some of us hide it better than others. Some of us can conceal our jealousy and manage to put on a smile and be happy for another person. And others are not strong or disciplined enough to manage that........they won't make an effort because their negative emotions are stronger than their realization to make an attempt at appropriate social etiquette. Perhaps they are insecure and think that you're showing off.
Maybe they're in a bad mood. Maybe they feel hurt or inadequate.......falls into insecurity.
Anyhow, if such behavior is FREQUENT........then it's not unreasonable for you to wonder what's up with the other person. You need to ask yourself if this individual is worth keeping as a friend. Is this the only quality that you don't like about them and are they great in many other ways? If so............then talk to your friend. Just tell the person, "I enjoy hearing about your successes and accomplishments because, as a sincere friend, I support you and want you to be happy. But there have been several times where I've told you about my happiness, and you're quiet and don't respond. It makes me feel as if you're not listening or that you don't care. Correct me if I'm wrong about my assumptions."
^If the person is NOT a good friend in many other ways as well.......then it's time to find other friends. For example, if this individual can't encourage you........is bringing you down............and is never there for you when you need them............maintain a distance from them.
You''ll find this scenario not only among "friends".........but also among relatives...whom you can't break ties with. And you just have to not let it get to you. Thank Allah for your happiness and blessings.........be nice to them/encourage them though they may be bitter.........and appreciate THOSE people who do sincerely value your happiness.
Re: Friends or Frenemies?
Or as mentioned by Sara516 above, it's also possible that they don't agree with the situation you're happy about and choose not to say something because ........if they say something negative even with sincere intentions.......THEY may be perceived by YOU as either jealous, or bitter, or nosy.
Just think carefully about the various possibilities.........think about if you've offended the person in any way.........talk to the person if you value their friendship...........and if they're not that good of a friend then let it go and maintain a distance.
Hmm, have you done anything to offend them? Usually, I congratulate people and wish them well........even if I'm not overly crazy about them.........but there have been situations where I haven't done so because the individual has been deliberately/repeatedly offensive and doesn't care how their actions affect others.
No. I would never do anything to offend them. If I ever do anything like that, I would know if I did offend them and trust me I would be the first to say sorry or the issue. As I have previously said, I don’t like problems to be caused so I always try to do my best to make sure others are not hurt by actions and if there is something that does offend them, hurt them, I’ll make sure to make things right. I’m so sure that’s not it.
Could it be your perceptions of what is "being happy for another person"? For example, some people might be okay with just receiving a verbal congrats or a simple "That's great, I'm happy for you." Others expect much more than that.
I would be fine with a “that’s great, I’m happy for you” with people I’m not that close with. Others have said that to me and I’m fine with it. But with these friends… I do expect a little more than just a “I’m happy for you” only because they do more than just say that with the friends in the group so I do expect that same when it comes to me because I know that if they were actually truly happy, then they would be asking, teasing, and what not. But none of that has occurred. And every time, I think of making an effort and talk about it, I get ignored and trust me I don’t talk about it a lot at all. Now, I don’t talk about it at all.
It could be jealousy. We've all experienced it, human nature. Some of us hide it better than others. Some of us can conceal our jealousy and manage to put on a smile and be happy for another person. And others are not strong or disciplined enough to manage that........they won't make an effort because their negative emotions are stronger than their realization to make an attempt at appropriate social etiquette. Perhaps they are insecure and think that you're showing off.
It’s possible… I just hate to think that way. As for the showing off, I’m not like that. I talk to my friends and share things with them which maybe now is perceived as showing off but my intention was never to do that, it was to talk like I always have with them. But like I said, I don’t even bring it up anymore, nor do they ask. It just feels a little awkward now but I try for it to feel as normal as I can.
Maybe they're in a bad mood. Maybe they feel hurt or inadequate.......falls into insecurity.
If they were hurt by me, I would know. I would either be told I hurt them or I would just know that I did because I feel it. This isn’t that.
Anyhow, if such behavior is FREQUENT........then it's not unreasonable for you to wonder what's up with the other person. You need to ask yourself if this individual is worth keeping as a friend. Is this the only quality that you don't like about them and are they great in many other ways? If so............then talk to your friend. Just tell the person, *"I enjoy hearing about your successes and accomplishments because, as a sincere friend, I support you and want you to be happy. But there have been several times where I've told you about my happiness, and you're quiet and don't respond. It makes me feel as if you're not listening or that you don't care. Correct me if I'm wrong about my assumptions."***
The thing is, these friends are like my childhood friends. Not having them around feels just weird. I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore. As for the talking part, I have. I’ve tried to talk to them and sued similar words as you have bolded but the quiet part is more me because they are ones who talk and I’m the one who ends up sitting their quietly again because they bring in my past and then I just don’t want to deal with it anymore so I just stay quiet. I’ve actually decided not to mention anything that is going on in my life anymore because apparently every time I want to share now, it just ends up being in a situation where my mind gets boggled and my heart starts to hurt. So I just refrain from it.
^If the person is NOT a good friend in many other ways as well.......then it's time to find other friends. For example, if this individual can't encourage you........is bringing you down............and is never there for you when you need them............maintain a distance from them.
It’s hard to do that because with these friends, we’ve been through thick and thin. So now when, it comes to a new chapter in my life, things just end up being linked to the past. I guess in some way, I am distant now because I don’t share as much as I use to with them only because the response I get back is not so positive.
You''ll find this scenario not only among "friends".........but also among relatives...whom you can't break ties with. And you just have to not let it get to you. Thank Allah for your happiness and blessings.........be nice to them/encourage them though they may be bitter.........and appreciate THOSE people who do sincerely value your happiness.
I always thank Allah (swt) for everything He has blessed with me. The good and bad, everything He has put me through or has made me deal with was for a reason and has only made me a stronger, honest and a more faithful human being. I actually feel that I have done all I can, so now I feel like I should just leave it. I will continue to be how I am with them and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. Should I keep trying? Should I still try to talk it over? Is there anything more I can do?
Or as mentioned by Sara516 above, it's also possible that they don't agree with the situation you're happy about and choose not to say something because ........if they say something negative even with sincere intentions.......THEY may be perceived by YOU as either jealous, or bitter, or nosy.
Just think carefully about the various possibilities.........think about if you've offended the person in any way.........talk to the person if you value their friendship...........and if they're not that good of a friend then let it go and maintain a distance.
The situation is I'm getting married. I found the man for me and I am very happy, masha'Allah. Found a great job, as well. Providing for myself, my family, giving zakat, doing all of that. I've also bought them treats not for any reason, just because I'm giving like that and with my first pay check from my new job, I bought my close friends and family a little something. They were SO happy! And I was happy seeing them happy. Anyways, apart from that, they can't seem to be happy for me because of my past relationship which was years ago. At least, that is what I am left to assume because that is the ONLY thing they bring up whenever I sit down to talk them about how I'm feeling about this. Just think about it for a second? Would you always want to be pulled back to your past when you have moved on from it? Would you keep wanting to deal with something that has been over and done with a long time ago? Past is called a past for a reason. I'm heading towards my future now. Going to begin a new chapter in my life. I just can't seem to understand what's going on because no other reason but the past is given to me and I don't believe it's a valid reason. Am I wrong? Please do tell me.
Re: Friends or Frenemies?
^ Hmmm, Stardust, what do you mean that they bring up your past? Does it go something like this?
You: Talk to friend about them staying quiet and not reacting much to your good news.
Friend: Gets defensive. Starts bringing up mistakes you made in the past. Mistakes that might not be related to the issue at hand and took place AGES ago.
You: remain quiet because your friend won't let you speak.
If that's the case...............then that's not a very good friend. This sounds like a person who instead of being open-minded enough to reflect over her behavior and consider your concerns.................would rather get defensive and distract from their mistakes by focusing ALL the attention upon a negative past.
OR.............by "past".........do you mean that this friend gets defensive and reminds you about all the NICE things she's done for you in the PAST??????????? If that's the case....then even that is unreasonable. Because the issue at hand is her reaction to your CURRENT GOOD NEWS and not her reaction to some good news that you have a long time ago in the past. This means that this friend of yours doesn't want to make any recent efforts to be happy for you..............and has the "Oh I showed my happiness years ago and don't need to show it anymore" attitude.
Again, what do you mean by past?
If you've tried talking to them.....................and they're not understanding the problem...........and if you don't want to drop them as friends.......................just don't share many things with them. Sometimes, Stardust, people think we're being "needy"...........and they enjoy the fact that we want their approval. It gives them an ego boost to think that we need their word of approval or blessings. So, if you act confident and tell yourself that you don't need their approval and that you're happy with how life is turning out for you...................................then maybe they'll become curious about why you haven't shared anything about your life with them. Maybe if you back off a bit...........they'll be more curious/interested in what's going on with you.
^It's sad that you should even have to do this. Sincere friends should make the effort to be happy for one another.
The situation is I'm getting married. I found the man for me and I am very happy, masha'Allah. Found a great job, as well. Providing for myself, my family, giving zakat, doing all of that. I've also bought them treats not for any reason, just because I'm giving like that and with my first pay check from my new job, I bought my close friends and family a little something. They were SO happy! And I was happy seeing them happy. Anyways, apart from that, they can't seem to be happy for me because of my past relationship which was years ago. At least, that is what I am left to assume because that is the ONLY thing they bring up whenever I sit down to talk them about how I'm feeling about this. Just think about it for a second? Would you always want to be pulled back to your past when you have moved on from it? Would you keep wanting to deal with something that has been over and done with a long time ago? Past is called a past for a reason. I'm heading towards my future now. Going to begin a new chapter in my life. I just can't seem to understand what's going on because no other reason but the past is given to me and I don't believe it's a valid reason. Am I wrong? Please do tell me.
The only other possibility I can come up with is that perhaps your friends are being protective of you. Maybe they're afraid of getting your hopes up........because they don't want you to get too excited in case things don't go well in the future. Kind of like...........let's say that you get nominated for something. And you want the prize. But your mom, who loves you very much, will encourage you.............but she won't get too fired up and overexcited because she doesn't want you to get hurt in case you don't win, or in case things turn out differently than you dream/imagine. Is that possible?
Also, when we act tooooooooooooooooooooo nice/generous to people............they take us for granted. Human nature. Some people get so used to your "giving"...............that they only expect "getting" all the time. If you back off..........and don't lavish so much generous attention on them.........they might snap out of it and realize that a relationship needs to have mutual consideration. ********* But keep in mind that there are people who are just not good at realizing these things.
**********And people have different ways of showing affection. Some show affection through material things like gifts. And others show it through spending time with you. How do you measure which is better?
^^^ If neither of the above are possibilities..........then they don't sound like good friends, sweetheart. When we've been with people for so long..........we're so used to them that we feel uncomfortable with the thought that they may not be good for us. So, you either maintain a distance from them. OR, if you still want to keep them in your life in spite of the fact that they don't understand your feelings.........then just accept how they are. Take the good with the bad.