Re: Friends and their reputation
I was in the same position as you. I had a desi muslim friend in middle school and we continued to stay friends throughout highschool. 2nd year of high school she started changing a lot…had a hindu boyfriend, lost her virginity, would make out with him in public, schoolwork was being affected. At first, I tried to handle the problem myself. My family knew hers but they got wind that the uncle drank so my dad dissociated himself from them and I wasn’t allowed to go over to their house or anything. Then, my high school principal, who thought very highly of me and respected me for being religious, found my friend making out with her hindu bf while class was going on and mentioned that to me. The last straw was when my parents were out shopping and saw the girl walking around half naked with her hindu bf and making out with him in public.
My mother and father gave me 1 opportunity to try to talk sense into her since they said it was my duty as a Muslim. I took her out to lunch and tried to talk to her but she didnt’ get it. Instead, my friend started accusing me of being a hypocrite (she said that I wasn’t a perfect muslim either so I had no right to tell her what she was doing was wrong). I was offended but I was more taken aback by the conversation I had with her, when she said that she didn’t see what was wrong about her kids growing up hindu. After that I backed off completely.
She continued to text me/call me, wanting to hang out but I made excuses. She’s had numerous pregnancy scares, has slept with 3-4 other guys (after breaking up with her hindu bf who she claimed she was going to marry), and is still stuck in a jc when most of us have been out of college for 1-2 years at this point. It was just too weird and too awk hanging out. I’m from a small community and its too hard to “secretly” meet up with her. And her reputation has been ruined to the extent that she’s trying to get married and no one wants to come to her with a 10 ft pole.
I feel like a bad friend sometimes but my mom told me that it was better I create distance just because she is so public with her antics that the last thing my mom wants is for me to be associated with her. It sucks, because it was fun hanging out with her, but tbh, I was starting to feel the stress of trying to help her cover her double life, make excuses for her, and have to hear about her ridiuclous problems (I don’t ever have to counsel my other friends about potential unplanned pregnancies).
If you truly disapprove of her behavior, you’re going to end up stop hanging out with her. Like you said, “birds of a feather flock together”. My friend goes everywhere with her bfs (none of whome I approve of) so I opted out and eventually she got the message and stopped inviting me. The first few times is awkward and it’s going to suck but I don’t think you should associate so closely with someone whose behavior you disapprove of. Slowly dissociate and then back off.
If there’s still hope for her, take her out and have a heart to heart.
hey soconfused, yup lots of things you mentioned here do sound a lot like my bff… and our community here is very small too, just like you mentioned. i will surely talk to her again but i already have numerous times as i believe it is my duty as a Muslim. initially, she did say that she will stop drinking and break up with her bf. however, she started drinking again and now is dating another guy who is pakistani but shares the same habits as her.
i do think McPendo is right, some people do not change. it’s saddening since i truly love her as she is my best friend. i do have other pakistani close friends who are not like her, but i am closest to my bff as we know each other longer than i have ever known anyone else.