Re: Friends and their reputation
My parents, who though of my friend as their daughter, wanted me to do this as well but I decided I wanted to talk to her myself. If your friend is respectful and your families have that close of a relationship, maybe your parents CAN talk to her?
Re: Friends and their reputation
How are your friend's parents doing?
Re: Friends and their reputation
I was in the same position as you. I had a desi muslim friend in middle school and we continued to stay friends throughout highschool. 2nd year of high school she started changing a lot...had a hindu boyfriend, lost her virginity, would make out with him in public, schoolwork was being affected. At first, I tried to handle the problem myself. My family knew hers but they got wind that the uncle drank so my dad dissociated himself from them and I wasn't allowed to go over to their house or anything. Then, my high school principal, who thought very highly of me and respected me for being religious, found my friend making out with her hindu bf while class was going on and mentioned that to me. The last straw was when my parents were out shopping and saw the girl walking around half naked with her hindu bf and making out with him in public.
My mother and father gave me 1 opportunity to try to talk sense into her since they said it was my duty as a Muslim. I took her out to lunch and tried to talk to her but she didnt' get it. Instead, my friend started accusing me of being a hypocrite (she said that I wasn't a perfect muslim either so I had no right to tell her what she was doing was wrong). I was offended but I was more taken aback by the conversation I had with her, when she said that she didn't see what was wrong about her kids growing up hindu. After that I backed off completely.
She continued to text me/call me, wanting to hang out but I made excuses. She's had numerous pregnancy scares, has slept with 3-4 other guys (after breaking up with her hindu bf who she claimed she was going to marry), and is still stuck in a jc when most of us have been out of college for 1-2 years at this point. It was just too weird and too awk hanging out. I'm from a small community and its too hard to "secretly" meet up with her. And her reputation has been ruined to the extent that she's trying to get married and no one wants to come to her with a 10 ft pole.
I feel like a bad friend sometimes but my mom told me that it was better I create distance just because she is so public with her antics that the last thing my mom wants is for me to be associated with her. It sucks, because it was fun hanging out with her, but tbh, I was starting to feel the stress of trying to help her cover her double life, make excuses for her, and have to hear about her ridiuclous problems (I don't ever have to counsel my other friends about potential unplanned pregnancies).
If you truly disapprove of her behavior, you're going to end up stop hanging out with her. Like you said, "birds of a feather flock together". My friend goes everywhere with her bfs (none of whome I approve of) so I opted out and eventually she got the message and stopped inviting me. The first few times is awkward and it's going to suck but I don't think you should associate so closely with someone whose behavior you disapprove of. Slowly dissociate and then back off.
If there's still hope for her, take her out and have a heart to heart.
hey soconfused, yup lots of things you mentioned here do sound a lot like my bff... and our community here is very small too, just like you mentioned. i will surely talk to her again but i already have numerous times as i believe it is my duty as a Muslim. initially, she did say that she will stop drinking and break up with her bf. however, she started drinking again and now is dating another guy who is pakistani but shares the same habits as her.
i do think McPendo is right, some people do not change. it's saddening since i truly love her as she is my best friend. i do have other pakistani close friends who are not like her, but i am closest to my bff as we know each other longer than i have ever known anyone else.
Re: Friends and their reputation
How are your friend's parents doing?
how they are doing in terms of? her family is simple, financially ok and they're religious people. her mom is a grandmother, bff's elder sis is a banker and a perfect daughter. also, bff has a sis who is 2 yrs younger than her and she now drinks etc as well. it saddens me as their parents are such nice people (her mom is from bombay) and so is her older sister.
but i guess people, no matter how much we care for them and try to put sense into them, cannot be changed if they themselves do not want to change. Allah unki madad karein :)
I would def tell your friend that people in ur community know and that it might get to her parents. That'll save you the embarrassment.
Friends come and go. But the friends you wish to keep should be those who want to keep you around as well. :)
Re: Friends and their reputation
hey soconfused, yup lots of things you mentioned here do sound a lot like my bff... and our community here is very small too, just like you mentioned. i will surely talk to her again but i already have numerous times as i believe it is my duty as a Muslim. initially, she did say that she will stop drinking and break up with her bf. however, she started drinking again and now is dating another guy who is pakistani but shares the same habits as her.
i do think McPendo is right, some people do not change. it's saddening since i truly love her as she is my best friend. i do have other pakistani close friends who are not like her, but i am closest to my bff as we know each other longer than i have ever known anyone else.
It reminds me of the part of the Quran where God tells us that there's some people that have the signs in front of them but it falls on deaf ears. You do your fardh as a Muslim but that's it. I found myself being a "pity friend" and it was miserable. I was talking to her because no one was and I was worried bout her, but her lifestyle and choices (poor decisions) were stressing ME out. So I had to let go. We used to text every day but now I only hear from her if she thinks she's pregnant (happens more often than I'd like to think).
I would def tell your friend that people in ur community know and that it might get to her parents. That'll save you the embarrassment.
Friends come and go. But the friends you wish to keep should be those who want to keep you around as well. :)
Normally I would advise this but after a point, there's no sharam or lihaaz left. My friend had her mother WALK IN ON her and her hindu bf doing the nasty at her house...was almost thrown out of the house but did she learn her lesson? nope. Instead, it completely took away any sharam or pardah and now she does what she wants without any fear of her parents or their reputation. When people cross the line and go SO FAR, there's very little chance of returning unless God intervenes and guides them.
Re: Friends and their reputation
It reminds me of the part of the Quran where God tells us that there's some people that have the signs in front of them but it falls on deaf ears. You do your fardh as a Muslim but that's it. I found myself being a "pity friend" and it was miserable. I was talking to her because no one was and I was worried bout her, but her lifestyle and choices (poor decisions) were stressing ME out. So I had to let go. We used to text every day but now I only hear from her if she thinks she's pregnant (happens more often than I'd like to think).
Normally I would advise this but after a point, there's no sharam or lihaaz left. My friend had her mother WALK IN ON her and her hindu bf doing the nasty at her house...was almost thrown out of the house but did she learn her lesson? nope. Instead, it completely took away any sharam or pardah and now she does what she wants without any fear of her parents or their reputation. When people cross the line and go SO FAR, there's very little chance of returning unless God intervenes and guides them.
i like that u refer to the Quran and our religion. my dad always reminds me that Allah has said in the Quran that we should not befriends with the disbelievers. (Surah 4:144)
Re: Friends and their reputation
Normally I would advise this but after a point, there's no sharam or lihaaz left. My friend had her mother WALK IN ON her and her hindu bf doing the nasty at her house...was almost thrown out of the house but did she learn her lesson? nope.
What did her dad do?
Re: Friends and their reputation
What did her dad do?
the difference between OP's friend and mine is that OP's friend's parents are religoius. My friends parents arent. The dad drinks. He wanted to throw her out but the mom (who walked in on them engaging in inappropriate activity) cried and created a fuss, said she was going ot kill herself. And that ended that. My friend didn't learn anything.
Re: Friends and their reputation
bei bri bri achi suggestions di hn sb logon ne itni achi k main ziada perh b nei paya. khair baji ji ap apni dost ko chor kr kisi or achi lrki se dosti kr lo. bt khtm. dost apni mehfil se e pehchana jata hy. or phir ye na ho k kbi ap b us k sath reh reh kr waisi ho jao. so atleast save ur self.
Friends and their reputation
Inshallah aisa nahin hoga k main us jaisi hojaaon. Magar ji aap sab ke mushware wohi hain jo meri ammi ne diye hain aur jo main bhi soch rahi thi.
in conclusion I'll be reducing my contact with her and also try putting more sense into her
Re: Friends and their reputation
as u wish but as long as u are connected with her. People will think of u as think of her later or sooner.
Re: Friends and their reputation
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Re: Friends and their reputation
stay away from her, and stay away from her activities.
Re: Friends and their reputation
i like that u refer to the Quran and our religion. my dad always reminds me that Allah has said in the Quran that we should not befriends with the disbelievers. (Surah 4:144)
this is gonna be one confusing mess for kids growing up in a majority non-muslim school/uni environment, with a household that believes in such awesomely pristine values.
Re: Friends and their reputation
Qur'aan does NOT prohibit frienship with non-muslims...Qur'aan says, "do NOT take non-believers as your WALI"...now, the word WALI means Guardian/Avisor...NOT Friend!
Re: Friends and their reputation
If a Muslim couldn't be friends with disbelievers a Muslim man wouldn't be allowed to marry a Christian woman, would he?
Re: Friends and their reputation
thank you for the clarification. :)
Re: Friends and their reputation
If a Muslim couldn't be friends with disbelievers a Muslim man wouldn't be allowed to marry a Christian woman, would he?
In this day and age a Christian is not the same type of Christian that was around in the Prophet's time. The reason why it was allowed for a muslim man to marry a christian woman was because the beliefs of muslims and christians at that time were extremely similar and any children that came from that union would not be confused by two different religions and sets of moral values. These days however a muslim man couldn't really marry a christian woman unless she was like the christians in the time of the Prophet ie thinking and mind set etc.
To the OP: Try and talk some sense into her, she's your friend so you should try and help her but if its not working then well... that's that.
My friend used to be fine then she found a guy and they've been going out for two years now.
I didn't find out till last year when she told me.
She said that I wouldnt approve and thats why she didnt tell me. I do not approve and she knows.
Now she wants to marry him but is dragging it out.
I asked my husband about it and he said it seems like she wants the fun but none of the responsibility that comes with marriage and that's why she's dragging it out. She doesn't really want to marry him, she just wants to enjoy herself.
What can you do?
Re: Friends and their reputation
Thats judgmental of you o.O
I don't think the Muslims are the same as they were before at least I hope not... I would like to believe people aren't being massacred or overrun because they believe in a different religion.