Friends and their reputation

[rosedreams]

I have a small problem and it has been bothering me for a couple of months, and even more today.

To cut a small story short, my Best friend forever (BFF) is considered “wild”.

Her parents are pious and good people, but she has a wild streak and drinks, has a Hindu boyfriend etc. She clubs once every few months by telling her parents she is somewhere else. A couple of aunties in the community and people our age have come to about her actions. And people who are our age tell their moms… and the issue about her spread across handful of aunties.

Today, a random aunty and my sisters mentioned to my mom that my BFF drinks, and recently, my sister’s best friend’s bro saw her at a club making out with a guy. In a casual way, sister mentioned this to my mom, who in turn is now concerned for me as she doesn’t want me to hang out with ‘bad’ company.

My mom generally knows about BFF’s boyfriend but after getting latest news about her being drunk at a club etc, my mom has asked me to ‘guide’ my friend and has also asked me to stay away from her as she is badnam in the community and people may think I am like that too.

It was kinda awkward for me as I was defensive for my BFF but at the same time I understand she was concerned. I told my mum to just ignore it and not mention it to BFF’s mom (who is my mum’s very good friend)

So i am stuck in the middle.

She is my best friend for approx 10 years, and she tells me every thing she does and I do know about her wrongdoings. She knows she is wrong. I have fulfilled my duty by telling her that all this is wrong Islamically. However, I don’t know why but she continues to have the occasional alcoholic drink, hang out with the ‘bad’ guys from the desi community. I shall give it to the age. We are 20 years old, young and carefree. And she just wants some fun.

Now, question is: How do I manage this situation?

I have realized that associating myself with her may cause people to get a negative impression of me so I have stopped posting comments on her Facebook wall in the last couple of months. I know it is childish but I didn’t know what to do.

I mean, I am a rather uncomplicated and simple person. I dont date or consume alcohol and am religious. So I am afraid of my reputation being tarnished…

Not being friends with her any more is out of the question. We live in the same city, don’t meet very often but text and talk every day. Most people know we are good friends. Just that the past 1-2 years have been awkward as she participated in the above-mentioned activities whereas I of course, didnt.

I agree that birds of the same feather flock together. BFF and I are similar as we are family friends (our mums are gd friends and so were our dadis), have same taste in music/movies/desi stuff and grew up together. We are different yet similar.

Do you think friends affect your reputation? Any advice on what I should do?

[Keyboard_Stoker]

Re: Friends and their reputation

Ask her why she behaves the way she does?

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Friends and their reputation

Do you like (or approve) what she does?

I would not like to be with the people (for long) if I do not approve their behavior.

[rosedreams]

Friends and their reputation

I do not approve of her behavior, she knows it. But just that we are best friends. She wasn’t like that till we became 16-17 yrs old.

She does it because she can. She wants to enjoy her life

[TLK]

Re: Friends and their reputation

my mom, who in turn is now concerned for me as she doesn’t want me to hang out with ‘bad’ company.

I dont blame your mom for wanting that.

[Muzna]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@rosedreams

I do not approve of her behavior, she knows it. But just that we are best friends. She wasn’t like that till we became 16-17 yrs old.

She does it because she can. She wants to enjoy her life

yeah…life is full of tough choices…this is where you learn that you have to “grow up” and having a little “fun” could lead to a lot of long-term consequences.

doing something just because you can is hardly a justification…I’m sure that you “can” do what she “can” but you chose not to.

the question you may be facing now is whether or not you are able to be best friends with someone that may not share the same morals/religious beliefs as you…

I would likely be telling you the same thing that your mother has said…in fact, she has been wise enough to tell you to speak some sense into your friend. My own mother would have asked me to drag the friend home so that she could have a word or two herself…

Perhaps it is time for a hiatus…?

[NomiCA]

Re: Friends and their reputation

just reduce the contact a bit…since its the perception of other people that is the cause of worry…not that you would get influenced…so no need to dump her.

[queer]

Re: Friends and their reputation

your mom seems alright, listen to her. and hey congrats and welcome to adulthood, where not everything is black and white. and if i were you i’d def tell the friend that people do notice her at clubs and talk about her.

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@rosedreams

I do not approve of her behavior, she knows it. But just that we are best friends. She wasn’t like that till we became 16-17 yrs old.

She does it because she can. She wants to enjoy her life

Sorry but that’s the lamest reason I have ever come across.

[rosedreams]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@Decent_6Chora

Sorry but that’s the lamest reason I have ever come across.

i know dc.. but that’s what she says. she doesnt care and wants to have fun.

i agree with my mom and have told my friend people have seen her and talking about her. i have kind of distanced myself in the sense that we are not seen so much in public, but still do talk every day. it’s like i cannot sotp being friends with her because we grew up together and i cant dump her just because her reputation is worsening.

[rosedreams]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@Muzna

yeah…life is full of tough choices…this is where you learn that you have to “grow up” and having a little “fun” could lead to a lot of long-term consequences.

doing something just because you can is hardly a justification…I’m sure that you “can” do what she “can” but you chose not to.

the question you may be facing now is whether or not you are able to be best friends with someone that may not share the same morals/religious beliefs as you…

I would likely be telling you the same thing that your mother has said…in fact, she has been wise enough to tell you to speak some sense into your friend. My own mother would have asked me to drag the friend home so that she could have a word or two herself…

Perhaps it is time for a hiatus…?

yup, i kind of feel that my mother is gonna tell bff’s mother every thing soon. just dont want that as it is embarrassing for me.

[Muzna]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@rosedreams

yup, i kind of feel that my mother is gonna tell bff’s mother every thing soon. just dont want that as it is embarrassing for me.

first…you would do the same thing for someone that you cared about.
second…why is this embarrassing for you but not your friend’s behaviour? you don’t find her actions objectionable and you don’t feel that they reflect on you?

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: Friends and their reputation

Seems like the embarrassment is unavoidable. So does she drink a lot, does she drink to get wasted or is it just to get a light buzz? Just curious.

[McPendo]

Re: Friends and their reputation

You should move away from your friend. Atleast physically stop all contact. Now I’m going to relate a story. My friend whom i knew since 6th grade. He came from a very respectable and religious family. His parents were so religious and pious that they didn’t even have TV in thier house. He had memoriez 11 Quranic chapters by heart. He was those typical pious muslim kids in High School and never dated never once looked up at a girl. I remember him looking down even if a girl came and talked with him. We started college but he went to a different one.

He started to take some liberal art classes and some weird professors instilled a sort of Athiestic tendiences in him. He became a staunch Athiest and started drinking partying smoking weed and taking drugs clubbing and all sort of increadibly henious sexual acts with various women. And he would argue with me for hours on the existance of God and i would defend my faith. I wanted our friendship to stay so i kept hanging out with him ignoring his “Bad” habbits. Bad at this point would be an understatment. The habbits were crossing the threashold of sanity.

One day he convinced a friend of ours that we should go out to eat something. We did but along the way he convinced our other firiend that we should drink. I obviously said I wont drink and he tried to force me to drink it. When i refused he became angry and started calling me a “religious ******” which made me angry and I almost hit him but i held myself back since i still respected him as a friend. He got the Alcohol and sat in the car then “ordered” me to mix soda and alcohol because i was sitting in the back seat. I refused and he got angry at me again. At this time we had a confrontation at which point i decided to leave the car. I’ve never spoken to him since.

The point of this story is that people like this have given up all moral values and integrity in the name of “Fun” they think that by them having “Fun” constitutes to doing whatever they feel they should do and feel no remorse afterwards. I learned the hard way the true nature of people like these. He insulted me because I went against his beliefs and “refused” to do what he felt was “Fun”. So here is the thing. You will try to tell his girl what is wrong what is right but there will come a point where she will reject your advise and follow her vain desires. You can never change people like that. People like these just mend a little when they get old. But at this age forget about it. I would suggest that you stay away from this person, so that in the future you don’t go through what i went through. Hope this would help.

[rosedreams]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@Muzna

first…you would do the same thing for someone that you cared about.
second…why is this embarrassing for you but not your friend’s behaviour? you don’t find her actions objectionable and you don’t feel that they reflect on you?

i do find her actions objectionable. but i also dont want our friendship to be affected by my mum telling on her to her mom. i completely agree her actions are bad and it embarrasses me when she does that as my family has gotten to know about it.

[rosedreams]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@SaeedinPakistan

Seems like the embarrassment is unavoidable. So does she drink a lot, does she drink to get wasted or is it just to get a light buzz? Just curious.

i dont know much detail about the drinking. she doesnt come home drunk cuz her parents never seem to find out. she just gets ‘high’. the rare days she stay out the whole night, she does get drunk and it leads to puking etc.

she doesnt drink to get wasted. she does it … to blend in with friends? cuz it makes her feel better? she kinda likes the feeling it gives.

[rosedreams]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@McPendo

You should move away from your friend. Atleast physically stop all contact. Now I’m going to relate a story. My friend whom i knew since 6th grade. He came from a very respectable and religious family. His parents were so religious and pious that they didn’t even have TV in thier house. He had memoriez 11 Quranic chapters by heart. He was those typical pious muslim kids in High School and never dated never once looked up at a girl. I remember him looking down even if a girl came and talked with him. We started college but he went to a different one.

He started to take some liberal art classes and some weird professors instilled a sort of Athiestic tendiences in him. He became a staunch Athiest and started drinking partying smoking weed and taking drugs clubbing and all sort of increadibly henious sexual acts with various women. And he would argue with me for hours on the existance of God and i would defend my faith. I wanted our friendship to stay so i kept hanging out with him ignoring his “Bad” habbits. Bad at this point would be an understatment. The habbits were crossing the threashold of sanity.

One day he convinced a friend of ours that we should go out to eat something. We did but along the way he convinced our other firiend that we should drink. I obviously said I wont drink and he tried to force me to drink it. When i refused he became angry and started calling me a “religious ******” which made me angry and I almost hit him but i held myself back since i still respected him as a friend. He got the Alcohol and sat in the car then “ordered” me to mix soda and alcohol because i was sitting in the back seat. I refused and he got angry at me again. At this time we had a confrontation at which point i decided to leave the car. I’ve never spoken to him since.

The point of this story is that people like this have given up all moral values and integrity in the name of “Fun” they think that by them having “Fun” constitutes to doing whatever they feel they should do and feel no remorse afterwards. I learned the hard way the true nature of people like these. He insulted me because I went against his beliefs and “refused” to do what he felt was “Fun”. So here is the thing. You will try to tell his girl what is wrong what is right but there will come a point where she will reject your advise and follow her vain desires. You can never change people like that. People like these just mend a little when they get old. But at this age forget about it. I would suggest that you stay away from this person, so that in the future you don’t go through what i went through. Hope this would help.

Thanks for the sharing. You did right to stop contact with the friend, especially since he told you to consume alcohol and questioned your faith. Yup, same case for my friend. Except, she does believe in Islam and God, just doesnt follow. I guess as we grow older, I may have to stop most contact as her character and attitude will not reflect good on me.

It’s not that i am just concerned about myself, i am concerned for her too. i have told her time and again to not engage in such deeds but she doesnt listen , so right now i just lend a listening ear, know what she does but dont stop her anymore.

[McPendo]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@rosedreams

Thanks for the sharing. You did right to stop contact with the friend, especially since he told you to consume alcohol and questioned your faith. Yup, same case for my friend. Except, she does believe in Islam and God, just doesnt follow. I guess as we grow older, I may have to stop most contact as her character and attitude will not reflect good on me.

It’s not that i am just concerned about myself, i am concerned for her too. i have told her time and again to not engage in such deeds but she doesnt listen , so right now i just lend a listening ear, know what she does but dont stop her anymore.

Rosedreams, a wise man once said “You teach those who are willing to learn” I live my life according to this rule. Avoid those who don’t come under this quote. If you can’t teach someone then just move on, they wont learn. Even our Quran says it “For the disbelivers have eyes for they see not and ears for they hear not.”

[STA]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@rosedreams

Thanks for the sharing. You did right to stop contact with the friend, especially since he told you to consume alcohol and questioned your faith. Yup, same case for my friend. Except, she does believe in Islam and God, just doesnt follow. I guess as we grow older, I may have to stop most contact as her character and attitude will not reflect good on me.

It’s not that i am just concerned about myself, i am concerned for her too. i have told her time and again to not engage in such deeds but she doesnt listen , so right now i just lend a listening ear, know what she does but dont stop her anymore.

:k:

[soconfused]

Re: Friends and their reputation

@rosedreams

I have a small problem and it has been bothering me for a couple of months, and even more today.

To cut a small story short, my Best friend forever (BFF) is considered “wild”.

Her parents are pious and good people, but she has a wild streak and drinks, has a Hindu boyfriend etc. She clubs once every few months by telling her parents she is somewhere else. A couple of aunties in the community and people our age have come to about her actions. And people who are our age tell their moms… and the issue about her spread across handful of aunties.

Today, a random aunty and my sisters mentioned to my mom that my BFF drinks, and recently, my sister’s best friend’s bro saw her at a club making out with a guy. In a casual way, sister mentioned this to my mom, who in turn is now concerned for me as she doesn’t want me to hang out with ‘bad’ company.

My mom generally knows about BFF’s boyfriend but after getting latest news about her being drunk at a club etc, my mom has asked me to ‘guide’ my friend and has also asked me to stay away from her as she is badnam in the community and people may think I am like that too.

It was kinda awkward for me as I was defensive for my BFF but at the same time I understand she was concerned. I told my mum to just ignore it and not mention it to BFF’s mom (who is my mum’s very good friend)

So i am stuck in the middle.

She is my best friend for approx 10 years, and she tells me every thing she does and I do know about her wrongdoings. She knows she is wrong. I have fulfilled my duty by telling her that all this is wrong Islamically. However, I don’t know why but she continues to have the occasional alcoholic drink, hang out with the ‘bad’ guys from the desi community. I shall give it to the age. We are 20 years old, young and carefree. And she just wants some fun.

Now, question is: How do I manage this situation?

I have realized that associating myself with her may cause people to get a negative impression of me so I have stopped posting comments on her Facebook wall in the last couple of months. I know it is childish but I didn’t know what to do.

I mean, I am a rather uncomplicated and simple person. I dont date or consume alcohol and am religious. So I am afraid of my reputation being tarnished…

Not being friends with her any more is out of the question. We live in the same city, don’t meet very often but text and talk every day. Most people know we are good friends. Just that the past 1-2 years have been awkward as she participated in the above-mentioned activities whereas I of course, didnt.

I agree that birds of the same feather flock together. BFF and I are similar as we are family friends (our mums are gd friends and so were our dadis), have same taste in music/movies/desi stuff and grew up together. We are different yet similar.

Do you think friends affect your reputation? Any advice on what I should do?

I was in the same position as you. I had a desi muslim friend in middle school and we continued to stay friends throughout highschool. 2nd year of high school she started changing a lot…had a hindu boyfriend, lost her virginity, would make out with him in public, schoolwork was being affected. At first, I tried to handle the problem myself. My family knew hers but they got wind that the uncle drank so my dad dissociated himself from them and I wasn’t allowed to go over to their house or anything. Then, my high school principal, who thought very highly of me and respected me for being religious, found my friend making out with her hindu bf while class was going on and mentioned that to me. The last straw was when my parents were out shopping and saw the girl walking around half naked with her hindu bf and making out with him in public.

My mother and father gave me 1 opportunity to try to talk sense into her since they said it was my duty as a Muslim. I took her out to lunch and tried to talk to her but she didnt’ get it. Instead, my friend started accusing me of being a hypocrite (she said that I wasn’t a perfect muslim either so I had no right to tell her what she was doing was wrong). I was offended but I was more taken aback by the conversation I had with her, when she said that she didn’t see what was wrong about her kids growing up hindu. After that I backed off completely.

She continued to text me/call me, wanting to hang out but I made excuses. She’s had numerous pregnancy scares, has slept with 3-4 other guys (after breaking up with her hindu bf who she claimed she was going to marry), and is still stuck in a jc when most of us have been out of college for 1-2 years at this point. It was just too weird and too awk hanging out. I’m from a small community and its too hard to “secretly” meet up with her. And her reputation has been ruined to the extent that she’s trying to get married and no one wants to come to her with a 10 ft pole.

I feel like a bad friend sometimes but my mom told me that it was better I create distance just because she is so public with her antics that the last thing my mom wants is for me to be associated with her. It sucks, because it was fun hanging out with her, but tbh, I was starting to feel the stress of trying to help her cover her double life, make excuses for her, and have to hear about her ridiuclous problems (I don’t ever have to counsel my other friends about potential unplanned pregnancies).

If you truly disapprove of her behavior, you’re going to end up stop hanging out with her. Like you said, “birds of a feather flock together”. My friend goes everywhere with her bfs (none of whome I approve of) so I opted out and eventually she got the message and stopped inviting me. The first few times is awkward and it’s going to suck but I don’t think you should associate so closely with someone whose behavior you disapprove of. Slowly dissociate and then back off.

If there’s still hope for her, take her out and have a heart to heart.