Here is the scenario!
A friend of mine got a proposal from a guy who is a chartered accountant, decent family, very very well off - much more than average households.
The only issue is that they have a precondition that the girl will not continue with her job later i.e. she will not work. Now this according to the girl is something big because she has had a very tough study background. She has a good degree from the best university in Pakistan for which she struggled a lot. She is presently working as well.
Even though the family might be well off but shouldn’t it be the decision of the couple whether she should work or not? Its very nice that they were honest enough to tell well beforehand but this also tells how conservative or strict the family might be. What should she do? any advises?
if she struggled so much for her education and feels strongly bout it, then say no the ristha. they are being upfront about their requirements and giving her a heads up, i think that is very nice of them.
sometimes when a girl gets a good rishta but there is a requirement as such, the girls side will say oh dont worry, we will deal with it later on, the guy and girl will decide after marriage and that is when there are problems.
she wants to have a career, say no to this rishta.
Well, I doubt if many girls get great rishtas all the time during their life. While I am not arguing the whole "female independance" thing, the big question remains that who will take care of the kids if both the parents have 9am-6pm jobs 6 days a week ?
However, some alternatives can be thought of. For example, she could do a light, part-time job. But in the end, I guess its up to the girl, I mean she can either be a homemaker or a working woman, there are rarely in-betweens. I think the guy's family may rightfully be worried as they probably don't want their grandchildren to be brought up by servants.
It would be a tough decision in the end, but good luck to your friend !!
Well! i disagree with khawateen bcoz no doubt that ur friend has got a good degree from good institution, but u must also think that in Islam, women can only work in the case if her husband had died or if there is only a woman to feed the family, but no man.
This is not strictness, that family may be religious minded so they said to do so.
Thing is that nowadays, good people and good rishtas specially for women are very few and in most of cases boys are either less qualified and ignorant or are involved in bad activities.
So, ur friend must be happy that she had got good rishta in this era.
in my point of view! if she continued her job and refused this rishta. and Khuda Nakhusta if she got such an ignorant rishta as i said later, then this will be the bad case for her.
so she must have to accept it if she cares for her future!
There is nothing wrong with her wanting to work especially since she has dedicated so much to her career. IMO, when girls are forced to give up their professional lives against their will...eventually they start to resent their husbands and problems arise. But here, the Inlaws have been very clear about their conditions and if she values her career...the answer is no. Both parties walk away...no harm done.
I think if this guy is all that good, then she should say yes. and also leave her job. that will be a small thing to pay.maybe someday the guy will get comfortable with the idea and will let her work. I have seen many women starting career after they have gotten married.
u see, no one will take away her education and her qualifications. and to tell you the truth, i have seen many women who tried to go after their careers and ended up single all their lives. I know a civil servant who went crazy ( as in mental institution crazy) and left her job after being single.
again it is all about costs and benefits.
I think the problem comes when a woman thinks she only got educated to do a job!
I am educated and want to be a home-maker does that mean my education will go to waste? for women , their education is not all about developing careers but more to do with the fact that an educated woman will raise her kids in a very polished environment ...
Good rishta's are very hard to find these days , thats a fact ... so I personally feel she would be really dumb , if she refuses a perfect rishta just on the basis of the fact that he wouldnt let her do the job! Most women end up not working anyways after having a baby ...
I am not against women having careers ... before the shadi , I say women should work as it can transform ones personality in a huge way... but husband, family and home should become the focus of a woman after marriage ...
All your concerns are valid. But dont you think that not doing a job is really the only issue? Doesnt this tell a lot about the family itself that how conservative they may be, how strict they are, how dominating they will be? The girl herself belongs to a liberal but a very shareef family so for her it seems that that family may as well turn out stricter on other aspects of life.
There is nothing wrong but when some one is not they have continuous battle of opinion on the slightest of things. To avoid all that hassle, one stays away from people who may not be their type i.e for some too open minded people are not okay, for others too conservative might not be okay. Likewise, my friend's family is somewhat liberal with these things- you know things like dressing, education, jobs.
All your concerns are valid. But dont you think that not doing a job is really the only issue? Doesnt this tell a lot about the family itself that how conservative they may be, how strict they are, how dominating they will be? The girl herself belongs to a liberal but a very shareef family so for her it seems that that family may as well turn out stricter on other aspects of life.
Just this one aspect isnt enough to judge really if the family is conservative or not .. look for other signs ... look how the guy's sister or bhabi's are presented ..
this one reason isnt really the best reason in the world ... My closest friend used to work when she got a really good proposal and they had put the same request to her , that in our families girls dont work after marriage ... at that time we all thought WHAT! HOW CONSERVATIVE ! but eventually she did get married to him and mashallah they have a great life .. they are not conservative at all ... just that he didnt want her to work , wanted a wife to take care of the home and kids ....
Ok! so if ur friend's family is liberal and others are not. then yes becoz of difference of mind she must reject it, but mind it. it can get costly for her in future.
u guys are missing the point.
it's not about working or not working (this topic will never die) but this decision should only be made by the husband and wife, in laws shouldn't interfere with it.
Ok! so if ur friend's family is liberal and others are not. then yes becoz of difference of mind she must reject it, but mind it. it can get costly for her in future.
agay pata nahe kesa larka milay usay!
:)
well u cannot say it conservation. infact liberalism is bad thing and creates more problems!
:)
Conservatisim is a bad thing and creates more problems! :)
silly blanket statements like yours aside, person should marry a like-minded individual/family. if a liberal and liberal will be happy then who are you to say that they will create more problems.
IMO there aren't many "good" or "bad" people..just incompatible.
Well, I doubt if many girls get great rishtas all the time during their life. While I am not arguing the whole "female independance" thing, the big question remains that who will take care of the kids if both the parents have 9am-6pm jobs 6 days a week ?
However, some alternatives can be thought of. For example, she could do a light, part-time job. But in the end, I guess its up to the girl, I mean she can either be a homemaker or a working woman, there are rarely in-betweens. I think the guy's family may rightfully be worried as they probably don't want their grandchildren to be brought up by servants.
It would be a tough decision in the end, but good luck to your friend !!
Who said children are gonna be in the picture ASAP. She may want to work right now, and not let her education get wasted. If and when she has kids, she can decide then what to do. Working people DO have kids and raise them successfully.
Would the family turn out too conservative for your friend's liking ?
As Chicken Biryani rightly mentioned, look for other signs about how has the family treated previous brides. Look for the way they dress, talk and the subtle signs which tell if they are way too conservative.
Should your friend value a career more than this marriage ?
Now thats a toughie. I think Chicken Biryani has made a spot on point that being educated doesn't necessarily only mean that you have to make a great career, but also that your friend would prove to be a literate, understanding and a great mother.
@Afro-Sheen how is using your education and knowledge to bring up your children as great people a waste of education. I maybe a little out of line, but somehow working a *great *career at the expense of neglect of children is not an easy decision. Yes, there are women who work and manage their homes as well, but its really difficult especially in Pakistan. If your friend is abroad then perhaps she can take up a light job, but frankly the environment of offices in Pakistan is not THAT great for women.
In my honest opinion, the best thing for your friend is to do an istakhara. There is nothing like it and inshAllah your friend will get an idea of what to expect.
It's very simple, if the girl really wants a career, turn down the rishta. If she got one good rishta, she will get more. She shouldn't have to settle.
Sara516! well you are saying in such a manner that it seems that you are against the teachings of Islam of hudood for both men and women when you say that conservatism is a bad thing and must not be.