Say you have been married for around 10 years plus, and have been quite happy in your married life and are content. Your partner comes to you one day and confesses to having a short, meaningless fling many years earlier with a random person, which your partner ended as they felt too guilty about. They have since been making a big effort in your marriage and feel much more content/invested in the marriage, and have only told you now because they didn’t want to damage the marriage before and feel that you deserve to know the truth now.
Would you be able to forgive them at some point, and continue being married to them? Seeing as they made a big effort to show what the marriage means to them, and that they have (eventually) confessed, would that mean anything? Or would you want a divorce?
Also, if your partner had cheated on you years ago but it was only the once or it was very short term affair– would you rather just not know about it, or would you want to know?
Such matters are easily commented upon but really difficult to actually face and deal with in real life. One cannot tell now (while in a calm mood), to what extent one's emotions/anger would drive him/her in those sudden mind boggling moments (May Allah never show that day to even my worst enemies). Naturally, one would feel being used/deceived/lied to...etc. Children and the level of his/her usual daily life dealings / relationship / mutual bond / manners / respect / commitment with family would play a great role in deciding if s/he deserves to be forgiven or not. (if the traces of that incident are still (evidently) there in his/her personality than leniency is difficult).
I would never want to know but if she tells me herself, I still don't know what my response would be. Probably, If I love my spouse for myself, then I might never forgive. But if I love her for the love of Allah (swt), I would gulp down my anger/emotions (also for the sake of children) expecting a reward from Allah (swt), in the form of HIS "razaa" (grace & mercy) upon me and my family. I would also pray to Allah (swt) to bless us with the strength of moving on in life (getting over with it) and never in future letting that incident to AGAIN become a source of my anger and her embarrassment, EVER! For that I would totally shift my focus on my own past faults and her good qualities (also her sacrifices/ favors for me up till now), so that the devil/nafs doesn't get a chance to tempt me to think about that incident again.
^ R.A.W. you are like seriously annoying dude, like you know just stop it! Aap ke posts parh ke mera saara make-up kharaab ho jata hai :|
On topic: I wouldnt know what to do if that happened to me. I think I could never trust my spouse for 100% anymore if I ever came to know, even if it happened 10 years ago.
Even if you forgive, it still will stay in your mind that your spouse once cheated on you.
^ R.A.W. you are like seriously annoying dude, like you know just stop it! Aap ke posts parh ke mera saara make-up kharaab ho jata hai :|
On topic: I wouldnt know what to do if that happened to me. I think I could never trust my spouse for 100% anymore if I ever came to know, even if it happened 10 years ago.
Even if you forgive, it still will stay in your mind that your spouse once cheated on you.
I would rather not know, because I am a human after all. Even if it doesn't break my marriage, i will never be able to feel the same, so ignorance, in this matter, should be a bliss.
Yes I don't think that you can ever trust the spouse again. That seed of mistrust will be planted. I don't understand why the spouse needed to tell now, other than to assuage own guilt. I'd probably wonder that if he can hide this from me for ten years during marriage, what else does he hide? And if he can do that to me, what else is he capable of doing? And those thoughts alone will be very difficult to overcome
I agree with that, Dem, especially, as some people would have a problem with the fact that the partner told the truth after ten years - there's always gonna be a feeling of doubt. And even if you don't doubt them, there's no guarantee that the wronged partner won't bring it up in future arguments or when they're angry, which could damage the relationship a lot.
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I don't understand why the spouse needed to tell now, other than to assuage own guilt.
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Guilt is usually the biggest factor, some people just can't bottle it in and would rather face the consequences I guess. Or maybe it's stuff like wanting to tell the truth cos they're going to Hajj/want to test their partner/etc, I dunno!
No one should commit adultery, no one should admit to committing adultery ... unless of course it becomes a matter for the courts. If they commit adultery they should repent and never do it again ... if for a man it is getting hard to remain chaste ... then he should marry again to save himself from the sin, but he will still not be able to save himself from the guilt or the heartbreak of the first wife so it is better to keep it quiet ... and even better to teach himself self-restraint.
It is better for the hearts of those involved ... to avoid repeating their sins to one another ...
Whether I would forgive I don't know.. depends on lots of things (eg was it really meaningless, were we getting on ok at the time, who broke it off.. him or her lol)
i'd much rather not know...
if i did find out there would be hell, but in the end i'd evaluate the situation..
divorce would be the last straw . That's if the discussion and anger doesn't resolve anything
...as the issue of why needs to be sorted out, and it could happen again...
tough situation which would really kill a woman/wife from inside....
Such matters are easily commented upon but really difficult to actually face and deal with in real life. One cannot tell now (while in a calm mood), to what extent one's emotions/anger would drive him/her in those sudden mind boggling moments (May Allah never show that day to even my worst enemies). Naturally, one would feel being used/deceived/lied to...etc. Children and the level of his/her usual daily life dealings / relationship / mutual bond / manners / respect / commitment with family would play a great role in deciding if s/he deserves to be forgiven or not. (if the traces of that incident are still (evidently) there in his/her personality than leniency is difficult).
I wouldn't want to know, and why is he telling me to begin with? to get rid of his own guilt and then transfer that torment in the form of doubt and insecurity on to me? Sounds pretty selfish.
Yes I don't think that you can ever trust the spouse again. That seed of mistrust will be planted. I don't understand why the spouse needed to tell now, other than to assuage own guilt. I'd probably wonder that if he can hide this from me for ten years during marriage, what else does he hide? And if he can do that to me, what else is he capable of doing? And those thoughts alone will be very difficult to overcome
Agreed! In this case, I would say most definitely that ignorance is bliss! What's the reasoning behind 'fessing up? To relieve yourself of the guilt? If god forbid that were to ever happen in my marriage, I don't think I could ever get past the breach of trust. I've said before, the two non-negotiables for me are infidelity & domestic violence. It doesn't matter if it's just a one night stand...once that trust is broken, I'm done!