Its now been over two months since I have spoken to my parents, and I am no closer to being able to forgive them. Setting forgiveness aside, the saddest thing is that I will never be able to forget what has happened and their actions have tarnished the parent-daughter relationship - I had the most amazing father-daughter relationship and he was my idol and everything. Has anyone ever been in this position and how did you deal with it or get past the anger.
I would ask that posters refrain from advising me that as a muslim daughter and in the month of Ramadan I have duty to forgive my parents for anything because in my heart I am not ready to forgive them.
What happened? I have a v.close relationship with my dad as well, it would break my heart to fall out with him.. my mum and I aren't that close tho and I doubt we ever will be :(
sweetpip - it just takes time. don't force it. i was bought up very much a daddy's girl but when I was around 20 he became a different person and put pressure on our relationship to the point that we barely spoke for more than a year, other than arguments. i was so angry with him and i'm sure he with me. on top of that, it broke my heart that he seemed to think i was worth so little. it was only when life moved on that the chapter truly closed - it was when i met my now husband and told my dad that this is who i wanted to marry. i just thank god that he approved and stuck by us even though his parents were totally against us. some father's would be against their daughter's having such long engagements but he supported us and helped me through the times when i got really depressed about the whole situation. all that seems a million years ago now and know he regrets what happened.
**no one can give any advice unless we know what actually happened. mind wanders off to think about 101 things that might have gone wrong between the two of you.
Islam orders you to be kind to ur parents as long as they fulfill their parental duties. if they deviate in a big way, like doing something against you which Islam forbids, then it's a different stiry...here, i'm talking about the gravest sin/crime.**
If you have not spoken to your parents for 2 months then it must be something serious. By posting here it does seem that you are bothered by this and want to improve your relationship with them.
The only thing serious I can think of is something to do with a relationship, that they don't approve of or you don't approve of. However I could be wrong, although this is the most plausible. It could be that they left you out of inheritance or don't want you to leave the city and take up a job offer.
The way to resolve it is to sit down with them and to discuss the issue, try to understand things from their point of view first and then try to put your point across. If you are emotional and cannot think logically then it maybe best to let things cool down and then to speak to them when you feel better. If you cannot speak to them then perhaps you can speak to someone else in the family that you are close to and ask him/her to mediate between you and your parents.
Hope your relationship improves with your parents soon.
I am not ready to go into details, but to give some context the marriage discussion has caused the situation. For me though the issue is not that we have had disagrements on the topic; it is the hurtful things that were said and their approach are what makes it difficult for me to forgive. Although it was in anger I will never forget the words that have been said which I had never imagined a parent would throw at a daughter.
My dad and I have always had a very close relationship, but the manner in which he handled things means that it is unlikely we will ever be that close again. Although, my relationship with my mother has always been strained I am angry with her because she sends mixed messages and is unwilling to upset her family. At least my father acknowledges that the situation has been created due to family interference.
sweetpip - it just takes time. don't force it. i was bought up very much a daddy's girl but when I was around 20 he became a different person and put pressure on our relationship to the point that we barely spoke for more than a year, other than arguments. i was so angry with him and i'm sure he with me. on top of that, it broke my heart that he seemed to think i was worth so little. it was only when life moved on that the chapter truly closed - it was when i met my now husband and told my dad that this is who i wanted to marry. i just thank god that he approved and stuck by us even though his parents were totally against us. some father's would be against their daughter's having such long engagements but he supported us and helped me through the times when i got really depressed about the whole situation. all that seems a million years ago now and know he regrets what happened.
My situation is probably very similar to yours, but unfortunately I don't see a good ending for mine. My emotion swing between wishing for death or refusing to having any relationship with them.
Don't let what your father said on one occasion ruin your relationship. You are obviously hurt and coming from someone that you love hurts even more. However imagine the stress and the confusion that your parents are also going through. Try to understand their point of view and try to address their anxieties, whilst also making your point. Being emotional does not help either you or them. However be firm and don't let them emotionally blackmail you.
No matter how bad things look now there will light after the tunnel.
well, it's ur side of the story. ur parents are ur parents no matter what...Allah has ordered us NOT to be mean to them and to be KIND to them even if they are wrong or how much we do NOT like it. as long as it's NOT against Islam, we must listen to them and be kind to them. you have to deal with it in the most beautiful way that Allah has enjoined upon us...and that is...with LOVE and KINDNESS! we'll REAP the reward iA by following what Allah has ordered us to do. what he did to you is a matter between him/her and Allah. i'm sure parents sometimes say harsh things to jolt their kids to come to their senses and see what they are trying to show...i'm NOT saying that this is the right way but i would say it's natural reaction.
i dunno what you did to warrant such a harsh reaction. even if you do NOT like what they said/did, i would advise you to be patient, be nice aN kind to them and i'm sure ur love, obedience will change their heart.
wish you all the best. try to earn Allah's happiness if not ur own parents'. May Allah help you...aameen**
You too will be a mother one day ..then we ll see what happens.. try being a parent ..put yourself in their shoes …
then have the audacity to not forgive .. forgiveness issue does not even come into the picture .. no matter how your parents are or how they treat you .. your still their daughter and theyyour parents .. whatever they said …they qill answer for it to Allah but to say you dont forgive them .. thats not how it works .. its very shameful to even discuss actions of parents ..
Just to mention a hadith of the Prophet SAW that a woman come to the prophet SAW and asked that her mother was a non muslim .. and how she was suppose to treat her .. the Prophet SAW replied .. you treat her the way a daughter is due to treat her ..
so my question to you is .. have you been the daughter that your supposed to be ? maybe thats where the problem lies and now your parents had to come to this length.
Maybe the fact that your dad acknowledges that family interference messed things up is a start. Try to take it one step at a time. For example, if you're not open to forgiving right now....fine. Maybe try and open up the communication at least? You could try to discuss the matter with your dad....by first bringing up his points that you AGREE with. Start off on common ground or by acknowledging the other person's feelings/point of view.....as it makes them more open to listening. If you start with accusations first...it makes the other person defensive and they shut you out. And from there...explain how his words made you feel. Listen to what he has to say. You and your dad both shared a close relationship....and even if he does not admit it....it must hurt him deep down that you both don't talk as before. And with it being Ramzan...could soften him up. Since it's Ramzan....at least open up the communication...if you're not ready to forgive yet....and make dua that Allah help you to move on from what happened and find some inner peace.
FYI I have not done anything to cause this - I am not even in a relationship if your issue is that I might be having a relationship outside of marriage. Even my own grandmother and the wider family agree that I did not deserve to be treated in this way.
I would never treat my child in the way that I have been treated. Its the worst pain ever and I could not ever inflict that pain on anyone, let alone my own child!!
(I say this as a reminder to myself first and then to you)
You have to forgive them sweetie. No matter how awful they treated you, it never justifies the 9 months your mother bore you in her womb or the countless sleeplessnights your father had looking after you as a child. They are your parents honey - Paradise doesn't lie under their feet for nothing. You have to FORCE yourself to just be civil with them.. It'l take time! Whether or not they ever regret how they treated you is not under your control - you have to at least make the effort from your side.
Yes of course the resentment is going to be there for a while, but Allah knows sweetie. Allah knows the pain you're going through, the hurt you feel, every tear that's fallen - He knows!!! And when you make an effort - just small steps at least, He'll see that. See your parents are older than you, they probably have a pride issue in apologising to you directly, so don't wait for them. Just call them up and ask how they are. Then call them again in a few days. Then later buy them a gift. Do some housework for them. Just little actions - trust me they'll appreciate it for sure.
Don't ever forget your roots - who's daughter are you? Who raised you? Would you be who you are today without them? Yeh ok so they hurt you - aren't they human too? Tell me this, when you cried and screamed at night as a baby, not just one night but for months and months - sleepless nights one after the other.. did your parents leave you? Did they walk out on you? How about when you were learning to walk and talk - everytime you fell down, who picked you up? Who was there watching your every step? Who's heart missed a beat out of fear that you might hurt yourself?
They might be the most difficult people to handle in the world, but they are still your parents. And you will be held accountable for how you treat them. I know this is going to sound awful but what if something was to happen to them, whilst you are still in this non-speaking stage? That would be a tragedy a thousand times worse than anything in the past that may have happened between you!
It's Ramadan and that too the last Ashra. And it's been two months since you have been on talking terms.
Parents tend to be really unreasonable at times and we cannot even reason with them in view of being polite and not going overboard with them. However, not talking to them and not forgiving them wouldnt be the solution to any of the problems. At least come to talking terms. Try identifying what went wrong. Then maybe once you both sit down and talk you know where you went wrong and where he was too unfair with you.
It's going to be hard I know. But at the end of the day - we can't imagine a life without our parents. And just a few days back we had a thread here where the OP had just lost his/her mum and was going through a terrible phase. :( May Allah always keep their guidance and love upon us and bless them with long healthy lives.
Meanwhile keep praying for them and yourselves ..so that Allah may help you both to rekindle the relationship you had and resolve all the issues too IA
I think it's easy to say 'forgive' when you've not been thru a really tough time with your parents and you feel they've betrayed you or not treated you with the respect that any human being deserves.. I don't think you need to forgive (just yet anyway) but if poss as someone already mentioned get a sibling or family friend to perhaps open up a line of communication for possible reconciliation later on.. You do have an Islamic obligation to at least keep that door open and not cut them off completely (and likewise they're also obligated not to disown you or cut you off either). Your parents need to be made aware of how much you're hurting, perhaps they think as you no longer speak to them that you're getting on with life and not even thinking about the family much.. I knew of a girl who ran away from home in her teens and her parents would say 'oh, she's enjoying herself now she is away from us' when the reality couldn't have been more different.. Even tho her parents had treated her badly she missed them like hell.. Eventually tho they did all patch things up, it was one of her brothers who acted as a sort of go-between and helped smooth things over ready for her and her parents to speak directly to each other without any more arguments, insults or name-calling..
Btw I know desi parents have a habit of using the most hurtful phrases to their kids when they get angry, I shouldn't say take it with a pinch of salt or pretend it's no big deal because obviously it is but the culture they've been brought up in makes them believe that it's ok to say things like 'I wish I'd never given birth to you' or 'I wish you were dead' just for not wanting to marry your cousin or falling for someone they don't like.
Its now been over two months since I have spoken to my parents, and I am no closer to being able to forgive them. Setting forgiveness aside, the saddest thing is that I will never be able to forget what has happened and their actions have tarnished the parent-daughter relationship - I had the most amazing father-daughter relationship and he was my idol and everything. Has anyone ever been in this position and how did you deal with it or get past the anger.
I would ask that posters refrain from advising me that as a muslim daughter and in the month of Ramadan I have duty to forgive my parents for anything because in my heart I am not ready to forgive them.
Dear Poster. All i would like to say is that i know EXACTLY how you feel. Just last week my father whom i used to be in very good relationship with him said things to me. He said things which a father never ever say to his son. A son, who has done everything from financial to emotional support through difficult times. I think the dynamic of our relationship has definitely change. I guess it is my anger but i really don't feel like talk to him. What he just i couldn't believe that he is my father!. I kept quiet over the phone and hasn't said anything. My siblings and mom KNOW that what he said out of his even anger is wrong!. I just don't feel that our relationship will be any same after this. Our religion has clearly said to be kind to our parents and treat them in noble manner. And Alhamdulli'llah i did and not open my tounge in harsh manner. EVER!. I ask Allah to give me patience. And i pray also to give us patience to deal with our issues.
Whilst many of you have advised that I should open communication with them, I am concerned that if I instigate any communication with them they will see this as a sign of weakness from me and that they can continue to use similar approaches in the future to impose their choice/views on me. It is also difficult to discuss my feelings, as they seem to be taking the view that if the topic is not mentioned then all the hurt and anger can be brushed under the carpet.
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Arshad5: thanks for your advice. My greatest fear is that they will wear me down with emotional blackmail – I have even been told that my mother may be suffering from cancer and that if she is I will have caused it. Funnily, it was never mentioned that she may have cancer before this and has not been mentioned since the week of arguing?!?
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Khalil Khan: *I am grateful for your advice and the dua’s, it is much appreciated.
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Redvelvet: I admit that I probably reacted hysterically and emotionally, but they just fail to understand my perspective. My mother frustrates me the most because she just does not have an opinion of her own and has even said that if I was a good daughter I would have agreed meekly. Not likely!!
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DD: *agree with you 100% we could have probably avoided wars and conflicts if men just thought before they spoke J
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Princess121: *thanks sweetie, the advice you have given is sincere but very difficult to apply at the moment – but I will try.
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Enigmatic: *the issue for me is that talking to them will not help until they recognise what and how things went wrong.
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Deeba: *thank you for understanding that it can be difficult to forgive especially when the loved one’s cause you hurt. If it was anyone else, it probably wouldn’t hurt as much. Whilst many people will not understand this, but I am probably hurting myself the most by not talking to my parents and view it as a self-inflicted punishment for my past naivety and the blind faith that I placed in them.
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Xtron: **similarly the damage on my relationship with them is irreversible.
forgiveness issue does not even come into the picture .. no matter how your parents are or how they treat you .. your still their daughter and theyyour parents .. whatever they said …they qill answer for it to Allah but to say you dont forgive them .. thats not how it works .. its very shameful to even discuss actions of parents ..