everytime hubby and i have this conversation, he says he wants kids, just the same as i do. We are almost at 3 years of marriage and we have no kids. Medically, we are 100% fine alhumdulilah. And for over a year now i have been trying to have him try with me for a child.
but everytime i try, i get turned down. Im tired, we will do it later, i just ate- now.. blah blah ... we are averaging at doing it once a month, and that too its like pulling teeth.
we have had conversations about this. Are you wven attracted to me? Do you want kids for real? Okay forget kids, you dont even want to be intimate with me? All the answers are yes, i do.
Then what is the problem? And- should i just forget about wanting children? At this rate, its just not going to happen.
I don’t mean to judge but once a month is way too infrequent. I don’t know how old this guy is but most guys around my age can do it twice a day without breaking a sweat, maybe he’s older or stressed out or has health issues.
As per the post, its you who is trying. Looks like he is not trying yet (apparently). Wishing to have children is one thing but planning and then making it happen on exact dates is another.
I think you need more serious conversation with him which should end up with a properly chalked out plan. Inshallah you’ll be there. Good luck.
Some couples do it frequently in first 6 to 18 months and then they lose interest… if that’s the case then it’s totally fine… otherwise he has some health problems probably… like seriously…you see a woman around and that too your wife and you are not attracted towards her ? I guess you need to have a serious conversation with him on things you are concerned with… Be direct and ask direct questions…
It seems that a deeper connection is lacking. Real issue here is that he is not saying what is leading to this downward spiral. Possibilities:
1- He does not see it a problem, or has no insight.
2- He sees it a problem but is too insecure to talk about it.
Solutions:
Don’t talk about it. Try to develop a bond through other means, gradually till you can discuss everything comfortably.
Why he may not be doing it more frequently? Common reasons:
1- Unrealistic expectation about sex
2- Unrealistic expectation about sex
3- Unrealistic expectations about sex
4- Medical issues
5- Not trying something different
Media has a lot to do with the first, porn, soft pron and dramas with sexual content. I tell those who have discussed this with me (a much older population though - 40’s and 50’s) to take a complete break from from media, no movies, no shows, no cinema, and block all their friends who send them photoshopped nudes of 18 year olds. Most say it made a huge difference in their sex drive.
[quote=““third string””]
I don’t mean to judge but once a month is way too infrequent. I don’t know how old this guy is but most guys around my age can do it twice a day without breaking a sweat, maybe he’s older or stressed out or has health issues.
Do you think he’s into women?
[/quote]
yes I do think he is into women. There is nothing gay about him if thats what you meant.
i think its also too infrequent. Hes not older, we are both in our early 30s
we have had alot of serious conversations about this. I even went to the doc to help us in speeding the process up and we both prayed together for it while on those meds.
Is he having an affair? has he got erectile dysfunction? is he gay? or just not finds you attractive?
how was your relationship earlier on in your marriage? more than 80% couples manage to conceive within first two years of marriage, that too with ‘regular sexual intercourse’ which simply defined as every other day averaging two to three times a week.
also, as someone mentioned before, after a few years of marriage, sex becomes more of a chore, and its frequency decreases significantly. this happens to even most loving couples and its natural, remember human beings evolved as polygamous for thousands of years, this monogamy thing is only a recent event in the human species timeline.
try to communicate with him, make him open up to you, find out what is the real cause here? physical, psychological, or having an affair outside marriage, if you cant seem to find an answer, write your thoughts, make him read what you feel. speak to a marriage counsellor, and if nothing else works, give him some time and space, if he comes back to you, you will get your answer. if he does not, better let him go.
other than this, we have only one other major problem (for me its major, for him its not so he doesnt care). The rest of our bond is great. I dont know how else to approach it, how to change it.
im not sure what you meant by having unrealistic expectations about sex. Are you saying his expectations might be that we dont need to do it more than once a month? Sorry i dont follow.
we are both in our early 30s. There is no way he will quit social media etc and friends like that for a while, and as far as i know, his friends arent like that (i?ve hung out with them frequently) but when im not around, im startjng to get suspicious cuz they are majority single. (Btw- as mentioned in another of my comments, this is the 2nd major issue I was talking about- going out with friends, which i might make a separate post out of cuz that is seriously bothering me too). Which i am also trying to resolve but have had zero progress.
i feel like im failing as a wife. Not that its completely my fault, but there must be something i am or am not doing for him to be like this. In the beginning of our marriage, we were at around 3 times a week, now, again, around once a month.
And - should i start working on having the want of children out of my heart? I mean, im not exactly 18 where i have all the time in the world, and plus, even if i was, at this same rate it doesnt seem like it will happen
Why does ‘third string’ sound like a 13 year old in every comment.
Anyways, there could be a multitude of reasons and everyone can only guess. However, I don’t think you personally can do anything about any of them. He has to acknowledge it’s a problem and want to fix it.
OP, since you’ve had a lot of serious conversations about this…do you think that might be part of the problem? Maybe there’s a mental pressure/stress (about conceiving) associated with the sex now that wasn’t there earlier.
Repeatedly watching hairless, busty, models having doing it in strange ways, under unusual circumstances like office, church etc. can subconsciously make regular sex less appealing. Taking a break helps them get back to real world.
As for his friends, you never know what people can be up O.
Porn addiction could be a real thing in this situation..but if he is watching porn don’t be mad at him for it…
The other thing is also attraction…if you don’t mind me asking. do you take care of yourself? Like do you mind your diet and exercise?
I’m not sure if you workout at all..but if you don’t, start…
But even before talking about conceiving, the sex had already declined so much. The conceiving idea was after that. And after the numerous discussions about having kids didn?t change anything, i stopped bringing it up.
that?s why i asked, should i stop thinking of being a mother in the future? I don?t know when/how this is going to change
But even before talking about conceiving, the sex had already declined so much. The conceiving idea was after that, and that too, after he was apparently 100% ready and wanting a child.
after the numerous discussions about having kids didn?t change anything, i stopped bringing it up.
that?s why i asked, should i stop thinking of being a mother in the future? I don?t know when/how this is going to change
does he take care of him self?..over stressed? can you guys even afford children?
Either way no point in us guessing… if he just doesn’t want to have kids he just doesn’t want to have kids…people change their minds or arent ready sometimes… or ya’ll need more communication between each other.