For myself, I can say that before posting on GS I had never known of anyone personally who was “forced” to marry against their will. I don’t understand how parents or family can force, without any regard to their children’s wishes, their child to marry someone given that the marriage is expected to be a lifetime commitment - what happens to the parents’ love for their child? Do parents really know best?
Here on GS I’ve read thread after thread of girls (and maybe a guy or two) whose parents demand that they marry some family member, because the “parents know best.” The posters here advise the OP to remain strong and challenge the parents’ edict - but how successful are these people? I suspect that some people nevertheless succumb to parental pressure.
Western media often times confuses (intentionally or unintentionally) forced marriages and arranged marriages and lumps them together as the evil of the South Asian and Muslim communities, and it becomes yet another shame for us to bear. Why don’t we use this forum to discuss both circumstances - for good or ill.
How do we prevent forced marriages and why arranged marriages are not the evil Western communities think they are?
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
I don't know how one prevents it (forced marriage)from happening from the outside. I guess the only person who can prevent it is the person getting married refusing to do so, but even in those cases they are sometimes bullied into it. It is sad yes.
Arranged marriages are completely different, and it is sad that Western communities lump these two in the same category.
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
^ So that means we should do nothing now - there's no need for us to worry?
yes....exactly........also..you can't really do much besides not forcing kids yourself........
the new gneration, with different social life...education and reformed values........ will shun it automatically.......its just a matter of time.......
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
yes....exactly........also..you can't really do much besides not forcing kids yourself.........
well community pressure can play a role, we have taboos with everything, why is this not a taboo
log kya kahain gaye, applies to if a girl is seeing a guy
why not when someone is being forced to marry someone.
awareness is important, but community at large should be up in arms against this, and other things like spousal abuse, so perps would be somewhat dissuaded and the victims will feel that they could get help etc
Personally the concept of ‘forced marriages’ is an exaggerated and rare one to me. It’s all about family dynamics, family traditions and how people are brought up, a lot of the time. Hence the idea of ‘emotional blackmail’ etc etc
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
Well yes, and even in Pakistan they know they have the law/UK embassy on their side. But like i said, 'forced marriages' are the extreme end of the spectrum - it's the ones where someome has been subtly manipulated/emotionally blackmailed into saying yes to a marriage where they feel like they aren't being forced but can't say no - these are a LOT more common
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
well community pressure can play a role, we have taboos with everything, why is this not a taboo
log kya kahain gaye, applies to if a girl is seeing a guy
why not when someone is being forced to marry someone.
awareness is important, but community at large should be up in arms against this, and other things like spousal abuse, so perps would be somewhat dissuaded and the victims will feel that they could get help etc
Exactly! Why don't people within our community agitate against forced marriages and make it culturally/socially unacceptable - we already know it's religiously prohibited, but apparently people forget about Allah when it comes to arranging such marriages for their children.
Instead it's almost always brushed away as being an exaggeration and not the real problem. Often times you will have parents assume the solution to curbing their children's supposedly *azaad/*modern ways is to marry them off. Granted, that's not the only circumstance this happens in, but it's why a lot of people don't say anything against it - they think the parents are doing a good thing by getting the child married before the child becomes too westernized.
My issue is that there is a difference between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage. We need to understand the difference between the two within our community before we go out and tell others that forced marriages are unislamic. Parents need to remember that applying undue pressure or as Mad Hatter said, emotional blackmail should not be part of the arranged rishta scenario - that too takes away from the child's right and ability to make what is arguably the most important decision about their own life. Guide your child, don't browbeat them into submission.
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
Depends what kind of community you live in I guess. In my own community we have a lot of help for this kind of thing, especially for asian women, there's counselling, govt authority links, even women circles and groups who you can go to for help. Its just about recognising the need for outside help. I think education helps a lot in these cases as well, parents are so scared of losing their culture or religion that they try and enforce rules more strictly. Its difficult to say, I guess.
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
I did know of a couple of forced marriage but no matter how much I pushed them to not say yes...it didn't matter. They said yes because their parents agreed on their behalf and then trapped them in India/Pakistan with no passport.
You know whats funny? Both marriages ended in divorce. Both sets of parents FINALLY learned their lesson and let them have a say in the process. Now both are happily married Mashallah.
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
You create awareness by bringing this up in khutbas during Jumah, during fundraising dinners where people pay $200 a plate to show off how rich they are and anywhere else you feel there are people who will listen.
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
Reha, this really isn't a prob in the circle where ppl can afford to buy a $200 plate dinner. Those ppl usually even allow for inter racial marriages. These probs exist in the cab driving society where parents are busy juggling multiple jobs making ends meet, are more or less unaware of the culture in the kids' school and then when the kid (girl) hits puberty all of a sudden want her to wear the hijab and marry the guy they choose. This is also the society that deals with guys and girls differently....
Society can't influence family dynamics, most desi families look perfect till u get to know them or have a sleepover or something. When we are invited to dinners or what not, you would never be able to tell that the mother is verbally and physically abused... so how can society influence that something which is not even made obvious.
I never got this thing, when teenagers are acting out why do parents think marriage is gonna save them? My naani used to have a saying that when the male hen thinks he is jawan he doesn't walk in the middle he walks on the edge of the roof and that is our clear signal that he is asking for companionship.....
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
My bad I should've added that in my experience this is what I have seen. And these are ppl I have come across in the Middle East, US and Canada.
Can't say anything about UK.
Re: Forced versus arranged marriages - our take on it
Reha, this really isn't a prob in the circle where ppl can afford to buy a $200 plate dinner. Those ppl usually even allow for inter racial marriages. These probs exist in the cab driving society where parents are busy juggling multiple jobs making ends meet, are more or less unaware of the culture in the kids' school and then when the kid (girl) hits puberty all of a sudden want her to wear the hijab and marry the guy they choose. This is also the society that deals with guys and girls differently....
Society can't influence family dynamics, most desi families look perfect till u get to know them or have a sleepover or something. When we are invited to dinners or what not, you would never be able to tell that the mother is verbally and physically abused... so how can society influence that something which is not even made obvious.
I never got this thing, when teenagers are acting out why do parents think marriage is gonna save them? My naani used to have a saying that when the male hen thinks he is jawan he doesn't walk in the middle he walks on the edge of the roof and that is our clear signal that he is asking for companionship.....
This might not seem like its a problem among certain circles but those circles are usually connected with others and so on. You have to reach who you can and even a single effort goes a long way.
You have no idea who is going through what and when your words will make a difference. I have seen educated people say the most ignorant things in the name of religion...you would laugh if you heard them. I have had some aunties surprise me with a thought process of someone much more "modern" for lack of a better word right now.
I think its every person's responsibility as a member of society to create awareness for such issues. Especially women who know better. We make it acceptable or unacceptable as a whole.
Society IS responsible...it has to be responsible because if its not...then who is?
There is no class or education level for this kind of stuff. You will find these kind of parents everywhere.