Forced marriages

Lifestyle Relationships
1

In our society,there are forced marriages happening the victims of which are mostly women.Girls/women are forced by their parents/family to marry someone of their choosing,giving no importance at all to females’ wishes.If a female happens to speak up and start opposing the marriage,then it is considered as a bad thing,and according of those people of the society,she has no shame blah blah blah.So,what can a girl do and stop a marriage if she doesn’t want to marry someone of her family’s choosing.

2

Re: Forced marriages

Be prepared to lose her family.

bejamalo
3

Re: Forced marriages

But what is there in a girl’s hands to do?What can she do?:hmmm:

MUHARRAM in Islam
4

Re: Forced marriages

She can say no, move out of her parents roof if they still insist.

Or tell the mullah a big fat "NO!" when she is asked if she takes this man to be her husband. Actually, some women don't even get that option, their wali's / wakil's just say yes for them and they find themselves in unholy matrimony with Mr xyz.

I suppose if she says no at the nikah, she won't live for very long afterwards.

5

Run away from home, to a woman's shelter if you are in Europe. We have special places for only females. You can even choose an adress which is "secret" so your family has more trouble finding you. But even those aren't always that much safe, because if your family members really want to and really try, they do find you and police never does anything to help. They only waite until maybe you get hurt physically, if your family members would go that far, if they only voice their threats or just beat you don't have proof they did that, then police does nothing.

Those shelter places are worth trying, there are women and even girls who were never found by the person they were running away from. Some are unlucky and are found anywhere.

Either way, you'd be in trouble. If you say yes while you don't want the marriage, you'd be unhappy, but if you say no, you'd get in trouble with your parents, maybe they still force you. If you say no and nobody listens to you and things get difficult, then you have the option of leaving your family and going to a womens shelter. You can also go there if your family refuses to let you divorce. There are even womens shelters for Muslim girls and women.

6

Re: Forced marriages

I just don't get how unless someone is holding a gun to ur head they can force u into a marriage?

7

Re: Forced marriages

They do.They would arrange everything,fix your wedding date,and force the marriage to happen,despite of the girl crying,screaming..Nobody listens to her.

8

I've known girls to stand up and say NO to a proposal which the whole family is CRAZY ABOUT except the girl herself. They just stood their ground. And the parents understood that it could be a potentially embarrassing situation to put forth a stubborn minded girl in front of the guy and his parents. Cuz who knows how she might behave with them and thus embarrass her family? The parents didn't want to take that risk, so the daughters weren't pushed. Plus, the parents, upset as they were, respected their daughters' wishes and sincerely loved them.....that's why the dropped the issue when they saw it was pointless....rather than emotionally blackmailing/forcing, what have you.

The parents who do force are going against Islamic principles and are treating their daughters like cattle.

9

Re: Forced marriages

But there are also parents who think they are doing right,and don’t really care about the daughter’s wishes,and they don’t really care about anything,and force the marriage to happen :hmmm:

10

Tell them no matter what. It's your right. Even religion doesn't allow forced marriage. Let them say you are bad. Keep telling them. Tell them according to Islam if I don't like you can't force me.

11

^its more emotional blackmail than literal physical force..

12

Re: Forced marriages

if the parents don't listen to the girls arguments she can ask an older sibling or a senior family member like grandparents or aunts to help.may b they would listen to them.grandparents can sumtimes force parents too.another option to write a letter to her dad detailing her concerns n begging for help.if instead of crying n making scenes she tries to convey them msg in reasonable ways they might melt.the last option is to seek Allah's help thru istikhaara.runing away will just bring up more probs.its not a solution.

13

Gr8 advice. How come I forgot to tell.

14

Re: Forced marriages

girls dont know whats best for them ...they go for superficial things like "sense of humor" etc

they shud listen to their elders and stop complaining and be thankful they have others who watch out for them

15

Re: Forced marriages

^ Agree.

16

Yeah, who cares about issues of compatibility (physical attraction, personality etc) which are Islamically recommended when issues like what shade of skin u have and which village ur grandparents came from are much more important and practical in regards to how successful the marriage is likely to be :smack:

17

Reasons for forced marriages

  • A father/mother may feel duty bound to their less fortunate relatives. Visa reasons.
  • Difficult to renege on a promise which was once made. My sister was bethrowed to my uncle’s son before she was conceived.
  • See the cousin marriage thread (to keep wealth, problems within the family etc).
  • Fear for their daughter’s chastity or to maintain your cultural identity.
  • To forge connections. Prevalent amongst the European royals.

  • To settle a blood feud (Vani). Young female is married to an older perverted enemy male (legal sex slave). The female suffers for someone else’s misdemeanour.

         **How to prevent forced marriages**

  • Refuse any marriage proposals until you are mature enough to make an informed decision.

  • Try to develop your independence, intellectually, financially and socially.

  • Gather the support of your siblings. Act as a united front.

  • State your Islamic right and enlist the backing of your local alim/aalima.

  • Signpost yourself to government support agencies (telephone counselling, financial support, accommodation etc).

  • Always question your parent’s motives and judgment.

  • Be wary of trips abroad (keep the British High Commision number handy). Don't fall the grandmother death rattle trick.

The process
Naivety and heavy dependence on our parents makes us vulnerable to exploitation.
It’s an insidious process, the child will succumb easily through coercion and blackmail before you have to use any physical violence.

  • Fear of being disowned and outcast by your family and the community (the people you hold dearest). Also the subseqeunt loneliness.
  • Intellectual reasoning, e.g. we know what’s best for you.
  • Constant harassment and until your will submits.
  • Financial pressure (money and shelter).
  • Parents self harming.
  • Blackmailed by your parents or grandparents’ dying wish.
  • Verbal and physical abuse (Double barelled shot gun pressed against the temple works a treat or the threat of being hunted down by a paranoid rabied gerbil if you have the audacity to refuse).

Definition of consent
A forced marriage is one where you haven’t given your informed consent. For informed consent to be valid the person must be:-

  • Capable of making a decision (sufficient maturity).
  • Must be under no pressure.
  • Provided with sufficient information to make the decision (benefits, risks, implication of refusing, alternative options and provided with sufficient time to absorb the information).
  • Be able to change your mind.

Personal experience
My younger sister’s 16 year old best friend (UK) recently married her 30 year cousin (Pakistan). She voiced her opposition at first but inevitable caved in to the pressure (coercion and blackmail). She was very reluctant and tearful. She got married a few months ago and returned pregnant. Due to her age, the child and the stigma of divorce, the marriage is inescapable for now.
Her tenderness and complete utter dependence on her parents gave her no hope from the outset. Unfortunately many girls from the UK find themselves in similar predicaments.

18

I agree with you 100% and also feel sad for people on this thread advising girls to run away etc. shame on you all for giving this kind of advice. Do you have any feelings for parents? what would they go through if their young daughter runs away?

No parent wants anything bad for their children. And being a parent, I know for sure, if my daughter brings home a boy with good prospects and good family, I would definately accept him. And 'Aaj ki dunya mein' most parents are like me.

19

PakiAmerican

Parents want what is best for you? Not true! They want what is best for themselves, their families and are also influenced by the perceptions of the wider community.

  • Parents force their children into stereotypical Asian careers, many ultimately end up extremely unhappy at work, their hearts are elsewhere. Best for themselves **(due to their own failed aspirations or simply greed) and also to raise their standing within the **community.
  • I have been promised to my cousin in Pakistan, unofficially engaged since I was four. **Family **considerations above the interests of the child.
  • Parents of a close friend of mine who was abused as a child buried her problems rather than seeking help. Preventing a couple from divorcing even though their marriage has failed. To maintain the honour and pride of the family in the community.

The more important question is do parents know what is best for their child. No they clearly don’t.

  • Long hours at work rarely spend any quality time with their children.
  • Cultural gap.
  • Generational gap.
  • Illiteracy
  • Poor role models

PakiAmerican if Asian parents knew what was best for their children please explain the following. Poor educational achievement, high crime rates, drug abuse, promiscuity, domestic abuse, financial corruption, intolerance etc.

PakiAmerican clearly all the available evidence contradicts your assumptions.

Advice to all the children, always question your parents motives and judgement, don’t follow them blindly. Plus develop your own independence intellectually, socially and financially.

20

I sense you are not a parent from your irresponsible, ignorant and rebellious post. There is good and bad in every society so don't just single out Asian society.

The things you mentioned in your post are things of past. I am today's parent and know many many parents just like me. I spend most of my time with my children, I help them in their homework, I am very well educated (multiple degrees in various fields), I understand new generation's lingo including WTF, LOL, and OMFG... and yes I don't intend to force them to a profession of my liking.

Times have changed