This doesnt really apply to ABCD’s so I would prefer just FOB’s to respond (the terms are not been used derogatorily).
For those of you who have considered getting your parents to move from the states once they stop working, how do you see that relationship/resettlement working out especially since in the west most homes have two breadwinners and people are used to working late hours. Also without the social structure that exists in Pakistan its pretty difficult to just get your parents to start a new circle of friends and theres very little to do especially if they dont feel comfortable driving by themseleves or are loosing their sight etc. Although there are plenty of desis in nursing homes and so on, for the people who dont want to send their parents to such places or keep them with relatives back home, what other options exist to make sure your parents lead a happy life without spending all day just sitting in front of TV.
(PS: I excluded ABCDs from this because most parents who have been here for the last 30 yrs generally have a fairly stable and well built social circle that they can age with)
this is a question I sometimes ask myself too. If my parents end up moving to Australia, what are they going to do. Theres hardly any community here. Although I think if they move to US or UK, i,m sure theres a huge community tehre. I,d suggest taking them to different desi get togethers, I,m sure they,ll slowly get into it and make some friends. Once they get a couple of friends, after that it gets a bit easy and they can figure out things to do with their lives.
get togethers is probably the only thing i can think of for now.
Alhamdulillah my parents are already here so I wont have to worry about that InshaAllah. But I do remember when we used to live in mideast and would have our dada ji come to visit us, he would get bored real easily although there was a large desi community there. THe reason being the same: dil nahi lagta yahan par, no friends etc. So now he basically lives with my chachu in Pak and he is happy there then he would perhaps be with us.
Make sense?
well my parents are staying with me..my wife and i will takecare of them till the end..and i dont think she will have a problem with that..but they do wanna enjoy their lives and wana spend some time in pak with relatives..so they can go for few months in winter every year
i just dont understand how desi pakistani guys can kick their parents out or move out themselves...i guess i m still a fob :)
My parents live here in the US so I don't have to worry about them as long as I'm not married. I'm a female and obviously I'm helpful in taking care of my parents in many ways but I'm worried about how my brothers' wives will treat them after they're married. My brothers are nice but mostly married guys tend to care less about their parents and move out. So I'm very concerned about them because I might stay in the same city after marriage or I might not!
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*Originally posted by CurruptAngel: *
mostly married guys tend to care less about their parents and move out.
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you can not generalize married men like that. ive seen many parents who prefer their kids to move out after shadi so there are less hassles to deal with, u know just the general stuff. lekin then there are guys who absolutely do not wanna leave their parents. and i do not blame them. just like you wanna take care of ur parents and be close to them, ur future husband might wanna do the same and keep his parents with him. ya know wat im sayin?
I am not sure how old peoples parents are but once they retire and they dont have anything to do other then be at home or visit people, it tends to get very very boring in the US, especially since every visit to friends has to be so well planned ahead. Also unless your parents really wanna work on managing a business (eg 7-11, store clerks etc) there arent a lot of options open to parents who want to keep themseleves occupied.
I agree with the desi gatherings but that really does take time and effort and over say 5 yrs it would be fine. Still they would be left with so much time in their weekdays to figure out what to do.
You have genuine concern. Do you think getting married is going to help the issue? …but then again nowadays majority of the girls want to live independently.
^Getting married??? not sure how you relate that to my question. Wether single or married, the same question applies if you have your parents with you, and that been what do they do when you are out of the house? how do they keep themselves occupied.
Perhaps there is an implication of this been a couples issue simply because most parents retire generally after they kids have been married, other then that the question was broadbased.
what do they do when you are out of the house? how do they keep themselves occupied.
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Ok, let me ask you this...What do they do when you are in the house?
If your presence makes a difference then your wife's presence would equally help.
Like you mentioned...you don't expect them to take a fresh start in a new place and new environment. If you are the reason that they are not with their relatives and friends then you owe them more than just expect them to get occupied on their own. Pressure is ON :-)
This is a very important matter. Could someone who actually had their their parents move to the US (or ANY other country for that matter) please comment on this?
Lets say it is important for a young guy just starting out on his career to move to a western country. He cant leave his parents alone in the country back home because they are old and about to retire. He asks his parents to move with him.
First off, it is very difficult to convince the parents to move at this stage of their lives.
Also, is it even fair to make them move at this stage of their lives, when all they want to do is to stay in the surroundings they have always been and just relax and revive old frienships ... rather than move to a new country where they dont know anyone and also will find it hard to even move around?
On the other hand, should the guy sacrifice his career and stay in Pakistan so that they dont have to go through the struggles of moving to a new location?
your situation is even more complex than desi guys asking their parents to move from pak to live with them because yoru folks in a diff country than their country of origin anyways.
I have planned for my folks to be with me, when the house was built, a second master suite was made especially for them. they will probably live with me for a few months in Uk for a few, visit Pak for a few etc, but as far as I am concerned, we are ready and have planned for them to be with us.
social life is an issue, but they have moved enough times in their lives that they will be able to adapt, it will not be easy but they want to be closer to us, we will do whatever it takes to make sure they are happy and comfortable.
this double dilemma is basically true for many families where ppl moved to lands where they did not settle down..ppl who moved from pak to middle east, lived there their entire lives and sent kids to UK/US/canada... now the kids are here. The parents cant live in KSA or kuwait forever..but niether they or the kids want to move to pakistan.
its tougher for them, the way I look at it, they uprooted themselves and slaved away in other lands so we could have a better life..we are striving to do teh same for our future generations..but learnign from their experiences, its best to be in a place u can put some roots in, unlike KSA which is a place u can be at some time, but cant live there.
fyaz
the presence means that I can take them out or do things with them or what not. Since like Fraudia mentioned I grew up in a third country and my parents have been expats for most of the last 30+ years, they dont have any long term friends where they are right now. And back in Pakistan all the relatives are there but none of my siblings which would mean my parents basically spending their retirement years away from their immediate family. And they dont specifically have any friends either unless you consider people who went to college with my dad 30-40 yrs ago or any sort of business to keep them occupied there.
They could come here but then I dont really have a viable option to keep them busy either. Or they could continue to stay where they are right now and be far away from both kids and relatives but be busy.
Hence my question on how to keep them occupied if they were here.
Its a genuine question really. I have not not been able to convince either of my parents to move here, esp my mother. There are several reasons for that. Old age, lack of relatives in amreeka, even the relatives that are here are at far flung places and cant be visited every week or so and ofcourse the lifestlye here is not the same. But im still trying, soon someday they will change their mind. Then ill worry about if they are happy with their life here. I guess they would be since they would be living with me, wife and kids :D ill figure out a way for them to do something other than looking after the kids or watching TV? Maybe they can help out at the local mosque or teach other desi kids at home.
Play bingo on tuesdays? :D
If it can work out, visiting parents is the better option.. I doubt any parents would enjoy living permanently in the US.. certainly not mine.. they get bored out of their wits in the six months they come to stay here.. start missing the little kids, the relatives.. even the neighbors and the doodh vala and malee!! not to mention they both have medical ailments that need to be monitored with constant medical checkups and lengthy prescriptions.. things i'd struggle to provide if they were to permanetly reside in the US, but are readily available and affordable in Pakistan.
... and then they miss us all like hell the six months they are back in Pakistan.. so travelling back and forth appears to be the option right now..
PA: that option works when parents have someone back home. If all their kids are here then its not likely you would want them to stay back home.
Fraudia: I figured I would do something on the side where my parents (at least my dad) can be involved in it without over stressing him. perhaps real estate or something similar. After almost 50yrs of working continiously, I doubt I would make him happy by keeping him holed up in one place. So nope not found an answer yet.
i think it depends on what kinda folks ure parents are... my parents need family, their relatives, their culture etc to enjoy living in a country... they have been livin in ksa for 30 yrs... then mom went with us kids to canada and we stayed there for 7 yrs... both parents thought that is where our journey would end and we would settle down in TO, dad comin in a few yrs... but mom doesnt like the place and my dad (from whatever exp he has had on his vacations to TO) doesnt seem to think much of the country either... they need their culture, their relatives, their religion etc more now that it is their time to relax... they didnt see desi folks having much of a life in canada (unless u got ure whole extended family livin there).. we have no one cept one cousin and well.. as already mentioned... relatives dont have the same meaning in the west as they do in desiland.... for them the plan is to go to pakiland once my dad retires (unless he can get a permanent iqama thru one of his saudi pals)... and enjoy the rest of their lives with their family and loved ones... as for us kids... we will be visitin em whenever we can (according to mom we arent allowed to go so far out that we need to work morning noon and night just to scrape enuff to get a ticket to desiland) :D
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*Originally posted by hmcq: *
PA: that option works when parents have someone back home. If all their kids are here then its not likely you would want them to stay back home.
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well my parents have none of their kids back home.. all of us are here.. but still they get homesick in a couple of months when they are here; probably has to do with having all our family back there. Not that they enjoy it that much living on their own back home.