For people whose parents, and in particular your Moms had a rough time with her in laws (in particular her MIL), did it affect your relationship with your grandparents? Was it something that your mother talked to you a lot about and make you biased towards them?
For me, My Daddi had already passed before I was born. After gettimng to know the wonders of life1, I asked my Mom once about how it was living in a big joint family system in the early years of her marriage? And about the politics of the nands all the saas bahu stuff. She said no comment
From what I recall my mom said my dadi loved me a lot when I was little... but as I got older I she said I was too dark, I was too this and I was too that - nothing ever good. So yeah I wasn't as close to my dadi as I was my nani.
Well, my parents had moved to another country by the time I was old enough (moved when I was 2 months ;)) .. So I dont really have any relationship with my dadi as she never lived here and now when she comes to this country, she lives with my uncles.
My mum have told us about her and my dadi’s problems and they are not the typical Life1 bahu complains about tea making etc etc. Their problem were on a total different level. Although my mother is my dadi and dadda’s choice, somewhere my daddi started to feel sorry for her niece and wanted my dad to marry her, while he was already married to my mum with a child. That didnt go down well, but dadi never gave up, which has resulted in 3 of my chachis (yes you read that right) are my dads “ex-fiances” .. Like my dadi chose them for my dad while he was in Europe and when he kept rejecting them, she eventually married them to his younger brothers. After all, zubaan diye huyi thi na (very comical for us now, but probably not that much for my parents then ahem)
Now thats some real **** problems people hahahaha
However, my mum and my dadi when they meet act as if they’re long lost friends or something. I dont think she talks as freely as she does with my mum with any of my other aunts and my dad is still THE favorite son and she does take regular trips to Pakiland with him.
I wonder why parents sometimes in their egocentrical wishes forget what kinda damage they’re causing to their childrens lives . Oh well, alls well which ends well, right?
My mother has lived in a joint family system for more than 30 years. My father lived in Canada long before he got married, and when my parents got married, my mom moved to Canada. At that time, immigration to Canada was much easier, so within the year, my dads WHOLE family (excluding 2 sisters) moved to Canada. At that time, my parents lived in a 3 bedroom apartment, and had my older brother (he was less than a year old). My dada, dadi, 2 chachas, and 2 popos came and started living with them!!! Even though my mother was their choice, my dadi and popos treated her like crap from the beginning. She basically was the family slave. My father used to travel a lot for work at that time, leaving my mom alone with them for months on end.
When I was growing up, they did not do stuff to my mother in front of me, and my mother never said anything to me or my brothers. However, my older brother does recall some of the stuff that happened when we were growing up. He even told me once, that while my father was away on a business trip, my dadi and popos tried to kick my mother out of the house....HER OWN HOUSE - my father always used to put my mothers name on the deed of the house, so technically it was her house! But my mother did not tell me about her hardships until I was in my 20's, and I had already seen what they were like. It was me who brought it up with her, and asked her about it. The reason I brought it up with her, is because my dadi and popos started saying things to people about me, and basically giving me a bad name - in our family friends circle, people love my mother, and everyone clearly sees how my popos and dadi are - so when they realized that all our family friends really like me and my mom, they started to talk crap about me.
Anyway, sorry I transgressed......the way my mother was treated by my dadi and popos has affected how I feel about them. I cant stand them anymore, and dont talk to them. They still call me about once a month to chat, and I am respectful, because they are still my dads family, but I keep a distance, and dont discuss personal issues with them.
Make a poll and ask people who do they like better. Paternal family or maternal one. You will know.
lol what are you implying, bro?
My maternal grandmother passed away when I was 2 or 3 so I never got to know her. My maternal grandfather spent most of his life abroad, so I had very little interaction with him. He is retired now, but he is in Pakistan so we only talk on the phone sometimes. On the contrary, I was super attached to my paternal grandfather, as I was his favourite and he spoiled me a lot as a child. He passed away when I was in grade 5 or 6, but I still recall memories of times spent together and wish he was here today. I loved my paternal grandmother as well and when my daada abu passed away, my mom insisted that my sis and I sleep in my daadi's room. This brought us closer, but unfortunately she too passed away just a few years after my grandfather.
My mom is kind of a domestic goddess. Everyone in the family sings her praises, including my daadi in her last few years with us. I remember I used to say to my mom how lucky she is to have been blessed with such great in-laws. And all she said in response was, your experience with them is much different from my experience with them and I would like to keep it that way. Apparently my daada abu, being an army man, was extremely disciplined and liked to enforce that in the house. No slacking. No change. And being in control. That must have been hard initially to deal with.
My daadi was my mom's sagi phuphu. My dad picked my mom out of a bunch of cousins and my daadi didn't object at his choice. From what I hear from my khalas, my daadi was a difficult woman to please (being a perfectionist herself...the kind who would re-do the dishes if they felt the dishes weren't squeaky clean), but alhamdulillah, there was nothing serious that anyone remembers or holds against each other. They made it work!
My mom and I watch Pakistani dramas together in our free time. She is usually telling me suno, is larki ki tarah nahi karna susraal main, dekha hai na kitna compromise karna parta hai etc. But it's never, oh your daadi did this to me or your phuphu did that.
My mother spent very little time with her in laws, as my my parents moved to America within 2-2 1/2 yrs of getting married. There were though (and still are!) some particular vile members of my papa's family who were less then kind to her, and in turn, my siblings and I over the years (visits and such) and my papa acknowledged it was well. Before my papa passed away, he asked me to forgive those people and in my own way, I guess I have, but I still do not keep in direct contact with them. Apart from those particular people in his family, I enjoy a VERY close and loving relationship with the rest my dadiyal, in spite of my parents divorce. Same with my Papa..he stayed VERY close to my naniyal even after separating from my mother.
With my own marriage, I have a very formal and not very warm and fuzzy relationship with my MIL & jetanis, which is to be expected as I was not their choice for my husband and we had a "love marriage". I knew though, what I was getting into, so I have no reason to complain. I've made the best of my situation, and my husband and I are on the same page with most things, so it works. As far as my children go, they are very close with their taiya and cousins and spend lots and lots of time with my in laws. I've tried very hard not to project my feelings onto their relationship with my husband's family. They are not as close to dadi as they were with my mother, seeing as how my MIL does not live here full time, and has problems communicating with them (her Urdu is broken, as it's not her mother tongue, and English is non existent) but I always make sure they treat her with the utmost love and respect.
My mom lived with her in- laws for a brief duration and then we'd visit during summer vacation each year. For the most part she didn't discuss problems between her in-laws or even her own side of the family with us kids. And the few times that we did become aware of a conflict, my parents made it imperative that their kids not only stay out of the matter but to continue to remain respectful to everyone. I'd be lying if I said I like all my relatives though, lol. So yes, a bias does develop and I think that's natural.
My Dadi and phuppos were very mean to my mom when she got married to my dad. At age 21 my mum suffered quite a bit but alhumdullilah my dad was by her side always. They moved out a yr later and my Dadi never saw my dad, mom or my face until I (the eldest child) was approximately 5-6 yr old.
We then started meeting my Dadi (dad refused to due to many reasons) for the next few yrs until another family fight occurred. After that, Dadi and phuppos contact with mum was completely cut off.
When I was 16, we started visiting my Dadi again (just sisters and I). We did so till Dadi passed away last yr.
So well, although my Dadi was mean to my mum and dad, she was nice to us kids. And my mum always encouraged us to maintain terms with them . Cuz after all family is family and grandparents are important .
But I really wonder- if one can't be good to my parents, can she be good to me? Oh well.
I think parents should be open to kids about what they have been through so kids are aware as well how someone perceives their parent (especially mom) countless of times my phuppos would say something mean abt my mom but I would ignore it as my mom taught me to do so. well...
on the contrary, my khala's in laws were vile to her when she got married so Khala tries to keeps her kids away as much as possible frm them. She has different views frm my mum and cannot get over how she was treated by in laws . To each it's own!
Anyways, we are a thousand times closer to our nani. Alhumdullilah .
My mom never talked about these things with us…I think she wanted to keep the waters as calm as possible in case my paternal grandparents wanted to be close to us. It didn’t really happen though. My mom came here within 3 months of getting married and predictably became pregnant…lol. There were issues…no sons always means underlying issues. My maternal grandmother however…she taught us Qur’an, cooking, cleaning, was there for us through every tiny little thing. She was an angel on earth…I have a tremendous amount of respect for a woman who raises two generations of children tirelessly and lovingly. I don’t think my opinions were formed by what my mother thought…more how I was treated by the people in my life. As a kid, you don’t owe anyone anything…you form opinions honestly and without shame because you can.
Mama never talked about it, we sort of figured it out on our own that dadi maa was evil as we grew older. That didn’t affect our relationship with our paternal grandparents as much as their own lack of affection did. Mum still gets upset if we say something not so nice about them, that’s just the way she is. The last time we visited them, dadi maa wasn’t eating anything because she just didn’t feel like it. So mum made some gosht ki yakhni and dadi maa loved it and mama was nearly in tears that the elderly couple wasn’t being taken care of properly. A few weeks later, after we had come back home, dadi maa fell ill and who does she blame? Of course my mother for doing something to her, taweez or something… I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or just feel sorry for them.
Mother never let us feel anything bad towards her in-laws, although yes there have been tussles back and forth, more because of immaturity than anything else. But my parents grew through it together, and they were united in raising me and my sister (PCG naturally would keep her parents busy, all that's in the journal, they know about, comon, who has time for family politics when daughter is PCG??), so no issues now with the in-laws.
What I loved was how my mom and her siblings would always make sure the first place she dropped by immediately coming off the airport was my daddi's. Daddi has trouble with the stairs so doesn't come down from the apartment much. So we always go see her FIRST. Then we would go to our mom's home where we usually stayed the bulk of the vacation. Our father demanded that she not stay with her in-laws. She's there to see her family, not really his, as long as we kids got to see the dad's side of the family few times per week.
shrugs
Important to give respect to your in-laws even if they may be difficult at times. Don't ruin the experience for your kids.
MY mom loved her MIL dearly and lived with her for one year before leaving the country. My dad has eight sisters. Four were unmarried when my mom came to live with them and they treated my mother poorly but Dadi always protected my mom from them. I never got to meet my Dadi but mom always said she was an angel. My Dad's sisters are still mean/competitive/jealous and we keep them at arms length. However, we have always tried to maintain a good relationship with my cousins. It can be difficult at times...
My mom hasn't really had any problems with her inlaws apart from a few minor issues (that even happen between siblings so no biggie) but she has never kept us from being close to them. And as a result I am more close to my dads side of the family than I am to my moms. And she knows, encourages and approves it.
Mom did tell us the truth (or her version of it). Keeping it from us just wan't possible, because we were always asking why we didn't live with Dad.
She had to tell us something. So she told us the truth, how my dadyal and my dad's cowardice killed their marriage. I don't hate anyone though. Whatever happened, happened. If anyone's to blame, it's my Dad. But then he's my dad.
She said no comment 
(very comical for us now, but probably not that much for my parents then ahem)
. Oh well, alls well which ends well, right?
My maternal grandmother however…she taught us Qur’an, cooking, cleaning, was there for us through every tiny little thing. She was an angel on earth…I have a tremendous amount of respect for a woman who raises two generations of children tirelessly and lovingly. I don’t think my opinions were formed by what my mother thought…more how I was treated by the people in my life. As a kid, you don’t owe anyone anything…you form opinions honestly and without shame because you can.