Flasback : Year ago 20 years to be exact, I had a good friend of mine who was suffering from cancer. I used to visit him regularly at the hospital. He had a sister who was almost 10 years senior to us. We became very friendly and emotionally dependent on each other during this tough phase. She used to consider me as her brother and I used to love her as an elder sister. We never thought otherwise. My friend passed away and after a year this sister got married to a person who lived in a very remote place.
I heard from my other friends that she was getting treated badly at her in-laws’ home and I decided to visit her to understand what the situation was. Her parents were quite distraught after loosing their only son to cancer and the ill-treatment of their daughter. I thought my trip would be a source of comfort for her since she treated me as her own brother.
I wanted the trip to look accidental and planned in such a manner that I reach the house by around 2:00 pm and I could leave by around 4:00 pm.
When I reached the house, I was beaten by the FIL and thrown out of the house. Her husband I learnt suffered from depression and was always wanted to be alone. She was also beaten in front of me. It seems that there was a rumor that I was having an affair with this girl. I tried my best to convince them otherwise but they were in no mood to listen.
I used to be in regular touch with the parents after this through phone and they were very hesitant in going to the police etc.
Growing up I lost touch and I shifted to a different city for my education and then to a totally different city for my job.
Fast Forward to Present : One fine day at office, I receive a very strange email. It was from the FIL. He wanted me to come to visit their house and he mentioned how sorry he was for treating me the way he did. I did not know how they got my email address . I was very hesitant in going, but finally mustered up the courage to visit. I took 2-3 of my well built friends along just in case.
When I went there, it was a totally different scene. FIL had lost most of his money in bad investments and this girl who was very entrepreneurial started something on her own and her business flourished very well. Now she has begun to pay back to her in-law’s in every way she can. FIL is diabetic and breakfast is not served to him till 11 am in the morning. MIL is not healthy as well and she is made to work like a donkey. FIL pleaded with me to request the girl to take pity on them…Husband as usual does not care about what is happening around him.
I dont know what to do. I feel what she is doing is right to a large extent, but might be overdoing it. It is easy to be emotional and request her to forget what happened in the past. What is the best approach here.
Too many details are missing. You went to her house recently so I assume you spoke to her. What did she say to you? And why is the FIL reaching out to you? How did he even get your e-mail? Where are HER parents? Do they know what she's doing? And the in-laws don't have ANY other children or family members who can help them? Like in this entire world, she is the ONLY person they can depend on? And the DIL's husband, their son, is fully aware of what's going on?
is her husband not working and bring in income to support his parents?
In no shape or form should she treat them like this. Regardless of what they did to her, she is educated and in control now...BUT what is the difference between her and them?
If I were you....I'd advise her to be merciful. Treat them with respect and dignity not bc she's a mazloom bahu who will die for her husban'ds love but for the sake of Allah. If she's too busy with her business and/or doesn't want to spend any time on them--and who can blame her?--hire help. If she's successful and they can afford it, why not hire a nurse, caretaker, a cleaning lady, whatever. This way, kaam ho jaye, but no one is being evil here.
OMG!!!I am afraid you have been a horrible friend. The rules I follow dictate that if your actions hurt someone than you are an enemy rather than a friend. I am afraid my experience in life helps me cut thru bs really fast. First you seem to have exploited the tragedy of your friends death to create an emotional connection with his vulnerable sister, if your actions caused her badnammy than you violated the deceased friends trust. To show your compassion you should have supported the parents and not hang with the sister..excuse me the bs of she is older and I thought of her as my sis crap. Either she is a sister or she isn't..I find it really shady when people use like a sister or brother crap to hang with each other.
Secondly you show up uninvited and unannounced at another mans house and cause her to gt beaten.
Thirdly you are meddling in her business apparently without her permission. Decent thing would be to ask for her permission before talking to her in-laws.
Many people play the victim game to bring disrepute to another party. Is her FIL handicapped or bedridden that he cant eat a banana, a slice of bread or sth for breakfast. The PIL actions from our standards have been of criminals and were suitable for incarceration She owes them no duty, morally legally or religiously. They have a son and probably other relatives also and if their actions have been such that no one wants to be with them than that is the bed that they made.
Do you have a life partner ad does she know of your activities regarding this lady...I want to go and surprise another man's wife by knocking on his door unannounced and expect thanda sherbet..lol
I can really understand what you had to go through to make such comments. It is a problem that happens when every relationship is looked through an angle of sex.
That said, I really like your comment. It gives me a perspective on how to deal with the situation. As you rightly said, I had no business in going to somebody's house uninvited. I was young then. You believe you are capable of solving any problem by yourself. I considered her as my sister (which unfortunately you find id shady) and would never think of anything more than that.
This time around I had called her up and told her that I was coming to meet her. She said she would be happy to see me and when I mentioned to her about the email from her FIL, she mentioned that he was a crackpot and I should not give any importance to his words.
Regarding breakfast, I think they can eat bread but the whole treatment is what they are getting agitated with.
I spoke to her and she was nonchalant. She mentioned that she was doing the best that could be done considering the circumstances. Before going to her house, I had spoken to her parents as well. They are pretty proud of the fact that their daughter is doing well and have no sad feelings for their daughter’s in-laws.
From their perspective, they gave all that they could for their daughter.. After their son died, they were literally penniless. They found this guy who was from a respectable family for their daughter. It seems that this guy had jaundice when he was a kid and the brain did not develop fully. From a medical perspective, they say it is depression. Nobody really knows what went wrong with the guy. I was there at their home for around two hours and he did not even acknowledge my presence. The girl’s dad’s anger has not subsided even now. He feels that he got cheated very badly.
The FIL has another son and he is in Canada. The other son is a total mess. He has divorced around 2-3 times and is forever living off others. The FIL has two brothers and they dont seem to care.
These people beat that woman and she still is keeping them at her house. Sorry, but physical violence is very wrong. Does she have kids? Maybe she stayed because of them. As AliRaza mentioned, can't the FIL get breakfast for himself? For all I can see is that out of all the people in their lives, the DIL is the only one who is helping the in laws to some extent. And this FIL thinks of coming to you, a stranger whom they had beaten up to help them as they are served their breakfast late.
Dude..story is not adding up. I mean why would her husband's father would contact you. Challo..tumhay marra peeta..pher bhi yo. No one does that. But i do believe you..since you're saying it.
And secondly..she was beaten up by husband and FIL front of you? Are you seriously kidding me. If you were truly good friend..you would have called authorities. She was psychically being humiliated.
Bhai I am not in US. I am in India and not Pakistan. Calling the authorities was out of the question. Stigma attached to this kind of nonsense is not something that everybody would want to live with. I had contacted her parents and some of the community elders. The community elders had done some counselling, but eventually gave up. When you are 16 you can only do so much.
I never said she was beaten up by her husband. Her husband has severe issues with depression.
I agree I was surprised when the FIL contacted me. He believes that the entire issue was created by the misconception that they had regarding me. I had asked the FIL the same question. He wanted to solve the issue from the logical beginning. That was his answer.
whenever you can foster peace between two parties, you should make an effort to do so. it is said that there is great reward for bringing two feuding sides together.
if her inlaws are remorseful for how they behaved towards her, then encourage her to find compassion in her heart and forgive them.
not only will she earn respect in this life, but if she has faith, then in the afterlife as well.
if they are not remorseful, encourage her anyway to forgive them. certainly there is greater reward for forgiving someone that is not remorseful.
show her the bigger picture: that life is short and chances are they will not be around much longer.
I can really understand what you had to go through to make such comments. It is a problem that happens when every relationship is looked through an angle of sex.
That said, I really like your comment. It gives me a perspective on how to deal with the situation. As you rightly said, I had no business in going to somebody's house uninvited. I was young then. You believe you are capable of solving any problem by yourself. I considered her as my sister (which unfortunately you find id shady) and would never think of anything more than that.
This time around I had called her up and told her that I was coming to meet her. She said she would be happy to see me and when I mentioned to her about the email from her FIL, she mentioned that he was a crackpot and I should not give any importance to his words.
Regarding breakfast, I think they can eat bread but the whole treatment is what they are getting agitated with.
So you grew up in a Scandinavia town and were unaware of the tradition and customs of gender segregation and the consequences a female has to live with, why could you not get emotional support from your male friends or families. It seems obvious that you exploited her vulnerability. Emotional intimacy is a lot stronger and more durable than sexual. Look at 20 yrs after you still want to thrust yourself in her life.
Dang my wife treats me the same inhuman way every weekend and doesn't serve me breakfast till 11:00 am. Whom should I email about this suffering?
Who did you beat to deserve such horrible treatment..lol..Such zulum on you, what kind of a lady will expect husband to get up and reach in the fridge..Allah..maaf kare.