First Relationship/Break Up

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I have been a gupshup follower for a long time, and I love reading the life/relationships section. I have learned so much from reading about other people’s experience but I never thought I would be here sharing mine. I really need help with this, so if you have anything at all to tell me, be it negative or positive, please feel free to share it.

I had been seeing this guy for the past 3 months, and we had a serious fight just once during that time, and we made up within a few hours after that. Since then, whenever we have had any issues, he would just not talk about it and ignore it for a day or two and then everything would get back to normal. I am the person who likes to resolve the issues rather than leaving them hanging, but he just did not like talking about them. I am also a very private person and it’s an effort for me to share what is in my mind with others. He always wanted me to share whatever I was thinking with him, but every time I would tell him something about us, about him that was bothering me, he would go on and on about how I insulted him. That made me watch my words/actions around him, for I never knew what he would find offensive. There were things he did not like to talk about, and we never spoke about them because I never wanted to make him upset, but if there was something I did not want to talk about, he would get upset. And he never understood me. No matter how hard I tried to communicate my feelings, he just didn’t get it. There is no language barrier between us, so I don’t know what I was doing wrong.

A couple of days ago, I decided to tackle these issues with him. I told him bluntly what I just typed above, and as usual, he started saying how I insulted him. I don’t know how, but he managed to turn the tables and put me on the defensive by implying that I was a flirt because of some light banter I had with his friend a week earlier, and his friend had apparently told him about it. I tried explaining to him that it was just some harmless conversation, word play from my side and nothing more, but he would not listen. I left after that of course and thought about it all night. He came by the next day and said how he was sorry and he knew that was what I wanted to hear anyways, and how we should simply drop the issue. I told him that it was not working for me, and I could not keep on dropping the issues and that it was over. He yelled at me for quite a long time, telling me how I was playing games with him, and how he never wanted to talk about anything anyways, but I forced him too and my stubbornness lead to this and blah blah blah. And then he left. I have not been able to get him out of my mind since. After it happened, I cried all day the first day (just couldn’t help it). By evening I was all fine, but then I could not sleep at night. I don’t know why I feel like I have made a mistake. I love him, a lot, and I am sure we could have worked on these issues. He has deleted me off his msn/facebook and my friend thinks that I should wait and that he would come around, but somehow, I doubt he would ever talk to me even if I tried contacting him now. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I behaved infantly, or if I did the right thing. I really need some advice regarding this, for as melodramatic as it sounds, I feel like I am dying inside …

2

The feeling of dying inside will remain for a while and there is no quick fix for it. Thankfully it will subside as time passes.

Take a piece of paper and write down on it your reasons for loving him. Are they material reasons? Or do you like his personality? (which you just proved he has none).

You need to stop looking at all memoirs of you two together, pictures, emails etc. Do some work around the house or do anything else to keep your mind occupied all day. Get in touch with friends and plan something together.

Now that you have experience identifying an idiot, you will find another person who will be less of an idiot.

3

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

Unfortunately it is going to take some time for you get get over him. I can't promise you that you will feel better immediately but what is certain is that it WILL get better. In the meantime, busy yourself with friends, family and study/work. The more occupied you are, the less opportunity you will have to think about what happend. The more you think about it, the more analyzing you will do and you definetly do not want to do that as it will make you view the situation in different ways.

And most importantly just remember you will be fine and you deserve better! X

Do philosophical theories
Do philosophical theories
4

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

What these guys said... don't mope around.. keep busy.. go out with friends.. do other stuff which keeps your mind off stuff. The feeling stays there for a bit.. and even after a period of time, it will still hurt when you look back on it but at the end of the day thats just life. You will move on :) And its good that you ended it after 3 months rather than staying in a relationship which wasn't headed in the right direction for longer. :)

5

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

dont wait for him!!

ill tell u i was same like u when i was going through my teenage life i had a bf for few months whom i loved deeply and as people we were very nice but together it was a distser our communication problem was always dere not cuz of any other factor its just of personality clashes..i want u to know tht ryte now u mite think u love him n u want him back but living sepreately knowing tht atleast u both are not misreable always fighting relationship anymore. both of u in ur world after a while can move on n be happy.sometime we love ppl who are totally rong fr us n if in the start itself there r so many problems it cant go on.make peace with it i can understand its easier said thn done it took me arnd a year to get over him n only i knw wat i have gone through tht time but now im happy where i stand knowing tht we both r happy widout each other.we are still friends n constantly joke arnd with each other,its been aprox 8years now but it still feels like yesterday.He'll always have a special place in ur heart like he does now except with time when u think of him n ur breakup ull smile a lil instead of crying..i have a diffrent life now wid someone compatible n whom i love...life goes on it dosnt stop for u n u cnt stop it for anyone..this is how it works!! i hope u get some strength out of my message cuz ull need all the strength n support of everyone around u..ull get thru this...everyone does!

6

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

hmmm
you know what don’t try to talk about the issues with him, for now.
Talk about why doesn’t he feel comfortable talking about the issue. Some time taking a step back to look at the situation helps.
And yes for men, luv is important but respect comes before love.
But you can only do that If you are in good spirit your self.
Do your friends thinks he was just playing with you? Cuz our own sight get blurred when we have strong emotions.

are you PCG ?? :omg:

playStaion: eesi larkian aaj kal bhi hoteen heen?? who really love and want to work things out???
PlayStaion2: If you are such a girl, you are at wrong place in life1… here we have wild breed…:omg:

7

Thanks everyone.
PunchingMonk, my friends know that he was very serious. I know that he loved me and was not playing around. And, that last bit is not funny.

Cutegurl, you described the relationship in perfect words. We both love each other, but we are just so different in every way. We have absolutely nothing in common. I realized that from the very beginning, but I felt an instant connection with him, which I have never felt in my life before. I knew there would be problems, but I ignored all that and decided to give this a chance. I told him countless times throughout the three months that we were together that love just is not enough. Everytime we had a problem, I thought to myself that this is the right time to end this, but only one thing stopped me from doing it. I did not want to hurt him. By doing this now, I know I have hurt him. I haven't spoken to him since that horrible encounter two days ago, and it's killing me inside not knowing how he is. I am trying to distract myself with things, but I just cannot get rid of the temptation to contact him one last time, just to make sure he is ok. But I also know that if he asked me to get back together with him, I would say yes. I just don't know what to do anymore ...

8

^wow not a bad situation at all.
one lucky SOB he is.....

PlayStation: last bit was funny... u will know once you spend more time here... read threads against men.

9

Are you saying that for men it is more important to be respected than to be loved?
I am just trying to understand what you have said.

10

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

I have been through this kind of relationship once in my life time, i wouldnt say we loved each other, kind of liked each other and for a while thought of spending life together. but we were different people, we tried initially to make it work, but finally decided to end it and it was right decision and a hellish life become good for both of us. only love is enough when one of two people just have to give in, change and compromise on everything.

otherwise apart from love, mindset and personality match up is required. without these things one cant enjoy a good relationship.

so i would say it may be good for both of you in sense and for stability. but if you think these issues are not big one and can sort it out, then give it another chance, if not dont think about going back into it again.

11

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

yes munza.
I am suprised A smart person like your self didn't already knew it.

So its better that you don't put men into a situation where they have to make choice between one of those.

12

Love him because you want to and not for fear of hurting him if you don't. It is always good to be SELFISH when it comes to matters of love. Don't start a relationship as a favor to the other person. Don't worry about how hurt he is now and in the future. He will be just fine in the long run with or without you. But it seems you won't be fine with him. So just let it go.

13

Like I said, I was trying to confirm that I had understood your post.
So what you are saying is that a man will prefer to be respected than to be loved.....this describes how he wants to be treated.

How does a man feel about the giving of these two sentiments? That is, does a man prefer to respect his lady or love her? And if both then which does he expect the lady to prioritize? Should she appreciate being loved more than being respected?

Deera culture
Deera culture
14

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

munza app mashallah kafi smart heen I have feeling that’s it my therapy session.
But I play along.

See between man and women such a condition should never arise.
A man give his life before he lets his respect go.

A reasonable dude will respect and love his wife. Its not an “either” “or” situation.
Girls normally have respect of their family built in so on girls part there less chances of this becoming an issue.

Now this is arguable twist!!!

Women change through the years. When they are young all they want is mad love. Strong as bull. Coming on them.
But as years go by women start wanting to have respect and even more, appreciation for their contribution to family.
I have seen dudes who had trouble seeing this changed pattern, I hope when I grow old I can still remember this very point. And make my wife appreciated as well as loved. :blush:

So coming back to the point… you know what things which I learned as kid I have forgotten… so I don’t know If suture I am going to turn into a wife-annoying-hubby…

Doli rakh do kaharo
15

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

The guy is a control freak, get rid of him girl!

16

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

u did a right thing...cos sooner or leter he will leave you in middle of the road...so thats better to end this here...

17

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

Call up some friends and go out, shop (if your broke, hey you can always windowshop :D ), watch a movie, get some nice fat thick books to read which will hopefully take you days & days, (not sure if you study/work but..) look for a part time/volunteering job? Go gym, try out different sports activities, make new friends (try to always stay in company), ermmm find a new hobby.. cooking/painting/house deco etc. You'll find once you start looking, theres SO much you can do to prevent yourself from dwelling over this and calm yourself down. Thats what you need: to stop thinking about this for now.. and oh definitely, do NOT get back in touch with him no matter how much you feel like it. Just focus on calming yourself down and keeping yourself busy. Your priority should be just you, and remember that time is the best healer (cliche, but true for sure) :)

18

Mine is the same story, only the other way round...and i married mine. Im the one that does not like to talk about it, however he insists on putting in through the mincer, and if we havnt chewed on it long enough it gets put through the mincer all over again!!!!!!!

But we are married and happily so, albeit this issue pops its ugly head up now and again, it has got better with time i admit, but same as you, he always manages to turn it all around and make me feel guilty when the issue is about him.

A lot of work has gone into getting to the stage of trying to "cure" this behaviour, (he says its mine) up to the point of me saying i wanted out because i could not live like this anymore, i think that shook him, it wasnt meant to be a threat, i really had enough, sounds trivial?? believe me its not.

We both try to do our bit, but what comes as a norm to him will not change overnight. I have learnt to balance his good nature with this dark side, and come out with his good over compensates his bad

Guys vs Gurlz
19

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

Being single is awesome. Go ask all those married ladies. Don't be depress. Its an opportunity of lifetime.

20

Re: First Relationship/Break Up

He is insecure. Insecure people are really difficult to handle. They are emotionally labile. Sounds like you are grounded and secure. Find someone who is not a Pansy.

I just went through the same thing. Ask him a question and it becomes me insulting him. You will find someone more confident and secure of himself and you'll be happier.