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Give me some genuine practical advice of how i should look for a suitable spouse.
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Ibrahim says : salaams to all
Dear Eemo.
I am sure you know marriage is arranged through match makers or reliable people that you or your parents know , hence it will depend on you as to which source is more reliable for you and the type arrangements you have in mind. It is more on what you want rather than how you should go about it in your search
You must also remember after all the hassle of trying to locate the ideal partner, ** you will only end up with what had been destined for both of you the day you were born. ** Your partner will be trial for you as you will be a trial for her.
So let me give you some points on what you should look for.
In marriage prefer ** the person** before money; ** the virtue** before beauty; and ** the mind ** before body
Both partners should ** enter into marriage with the following intentions: **
1) Freeing yourselves from unfulfilled sexual desires.
2) Protecting yourselves from falling into that which Allaah had forbidden (i.e. adultery and fornication)and the temptations of the whisperer
3) There is No way to win against your spouse. You both win or you both lose
4) No one wants to get married to a doctor who works weekends and makes house calls at 3 am or a workaholic who just need a bed partner on the side.
5) No couple is a perfect fit . so you learn to respect differences and overlook rough spots .
6) In every marriage more than a month old, there may arise grounds for divorce but the trick is to find and continue to find, grounds for staying together.
7) Marriages does not fail ; but people do fail sooner or later.
8) honesty is the best policy reveal before being found out . Tell your spouse everything that you are sure your spouse will find out before anyone else does.
9) Marriage is like a job and it NEVER ends when done satisfactorily.
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And what abt finance ? is being financially secure an absolute must ?
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Ibrahim says: Don’t worry for money! You can borrow it cheaper than marrying for money.
On the other hand your father in law will be looking at your ability to support his child, so you must have sound frame of mind as to what your future is going to be like.
At the same time
24: 32 Marry those among you who are single or the virtuous ones among your slaves male or female: ** if they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace:** for Allah encompasseth all and He knoweth all things.
33 ** Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste until Allah gives them means out of His grace.**
As far as I can tell, I have noted many instances where people have received increases in income** after they got married ** . Meaning Allaah (swt) increased their sustenance as the requirements increased.
Hope that helps
Was salaam
Ibrahim
Forwarding Some additional info
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Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Qur’an:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect. Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
.. they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ... Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
.. the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ... Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens under which rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity. Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
** Whom to marry**
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
..Marry the women of your choice... Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
** Mahr**
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ... Qur'an [4 : 4]
But if you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ... Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
** Sex **
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offspring.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
** Walima **
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occasion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'" [Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
** Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage **
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
.. the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise. Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ... Qur'an [4 : 34]
** Advices to Husbands **
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said,He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
SOME METHODS DERIVED FROM THE ABOVEMENTIONED MARRIAGE
"Engagements" are contrary to the Sunnah. A verbal proposal and answer is sufficient.
To unnecessarily delay Nikah of both the boy and the girl after having reached the age of marriage is incorrect. (Note: But on the other hand, some parents pray day and night endlessly for a quick marriage to a good-looking, highly educated, well-off person who comes from a grand family of great repute...in the case of a groom, a groom with a high-flying job, etc. The minute we find such a groom or bride, we jump to grab him/her. But how many of us spend sleepless nights praying not for a speedy grand marriage but a marriage which is filled with love, happiness, blessings and piety?)
There is nothing wrong in inviting one's close associates for the occasion of Nikah. However, no special pains should be taken in gathering the people from far off places. (Note: The money could instead be spent in charity, to gain the blessings of the poor.)
It is appropriate that the bridegroom be a few years older than the bride. (Note: The Prophet's first marriage was to Khadija, who was 15 years older than him. She was a widower and he was a virgin. They were so happy together that he did not remarry until she passed away, even though polygamy was widely practiced during that time - before the advent of Islam)
If the father of the girl is an Áalim or pious and capable of performing Nikah, then he should himself solemnize the marriage.
It is better to give the Mahr Faatimi and one should endeavour to do so. But if one does not have the means then there is nothing wrong in giving less. (Note: The dowry is an obligation upon the groom's family, not the bride's family!)
It is totally un-Islamic for those, who do not possess the means, to incur debts in order to have grandiose weddings. (Note: On the contrary, weddings are arranged on such a grand basis that often parents cannot perform obligatory acts like Hajj for the next few years because they lack funds, which were spent on the weddings of their children)
It is fallacy to think that one's respect will be lost if one does not hold an extravagant wedding and invite many people. What is our respect compared to that of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam)? (Note: We spend thousands of dollars to impress people. We are sentimental - "I want my daughter/son to have the best." However, think about it this way...the people you impress will forget the wedding after a few weeks, your daughter/son's marital happiness may float on the extravagance of her/his wedding for a short while but ultimately, it will depend on just one thing: God. What is the use angering and disappointing God when it is His blessings, and nothing else - not even the grandest, most impressive wedding, that will ensure your children are happy? Ask yourself, are you getting your children married so you can show off and enjoy a grand wedding or because you want your children to experience happy, guided and blessed married lives?)
The present day practice of the intermingling of sexes is an act of sin and totally against Shariáh. (Note: Teenagers and young adults, if prompted, will admit the level of flirting, 'checking out' and showing off that goes on during weddings, where everyone is dressed to put on a show, not to watch a wedding take place.)
There is nothing such as engagement parties and Medhi parties in Islam. (Note: Another source attests that a simple gathering of women and girls to apply mehdi or henna on the bride is allowed)
Great care must be taken as regards to Salaat on occasions of marriage by all - the bride, the bridegroom and all the participants. (Note: On the contrary, the bride misses her prayer because her make-up will be washed away if she performs ablution...guests who are also dressed up delay their prayers for similar reasons. The couple and guests should perform ablution before going to the wedding and should perform their prayers there. The organizers of the wedding should also make arrangements for guests to perform their prayers. How can we expect our marriages to be successful and blessed if we abandon the first pillar of Islam, in pursuit of the perfect wedding?)
It is un-Islamic to display the bride on stage. (Note: If she adorns herself and dresses up, it should be for her own satisfaction, her family's happiness and for her husband - not for hundreds of male wedding guests that will come to have a look at her. The bride should not be treated like a trophy - all dolled up, sitting quietly on a stage for all to see, pretending to be reserved and shy (as is the custom and culture) - this is demeaning for she is a thinking individual - not something to decorate and show off.)
The unnecessary expenses incurred by the bride's family in holding a feast has no basis in Shariáh. (Note: The Islamic tradition is for the bride's family to hold a simple nikah ceremony where the marriage contract is signed. The big feast should only take place as the walima, which is the obligation of the groom's family. Sadly, often low-income parents of young girls delay getting their daughters married because they feel pressed by society to throw a big feast.)
For the engaged couple to meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring on her finger is a violation of the Qurãnic law of Hijaab. (Note: It is rather funny - in most cultures, a man and woman get engaged and they spend time together like they are already married. But as soon as the nikah takes place, they are told to stay separate and maintain 'modesty'. In many cultures, the nikah takes place in the morning and the wedding reception at night or several weeks or even months, later. Strangely, the same couple who was engaged and mixing freely, is not allowed to mix freely between the nikah and the wedding reception thrown by the bride's family. It is as ridiculous as the Western concept of mixing freely before and after the engagement but as soon as the bride puts on her wedding dress, it's bad luck for the groom to see her! In Islam, the engagement is not a licence to mix freely - the nikah is. It is as good as getting married and the couple can do everything together and have the wedding reception and the walima later.)
It is un-Islamic for the engaged couple to meet each other and also go out together. (Note: In this day and age, every other person around us could be a weirdo. We rarely become engaged to the children of families that we know very well so it is difficult to find out what kind of a person we are getting married to. Certain scholars attests that meeting, in the presence of Mahram men, and getting to know each other, within the rules set by the Quran is allowed.)
Three things should be borne in mind when giving one's daughter gifts and presents at the time of Nikah:
Presents should be given within one's means (it is not permissible to take loans, on interest for such presents); To give necessary items; A show should not be made of whatever is given.
It is Sunnat for the bridegroom's family to make Walimah. In Walimah, whatever is easily available should be fed to the people and care should be taken that the is no extravagance, show and that no debts are incurred in the process.
To delay Nikah after the engagement is un-Islamic.
Muslims have adopted many customs which are un-Islamic and frowned upon. Some examples are:
Displaying the bride on stage;
Inviting guests for the wedding from far off places;
Receiving guests in the hall; (Note: The Mosque is the center of life for true Muslims and weddings should be held there. According to the Tradition of the Prophet(S.A.W.) marriages performed in the House of Allah, immediately preceded and followed by prayers, will attract the maximum of Allah's Blessings. Obviously, people know very well that the mosque is no place for the unIslamic cultural practices they promote at their weddings and so make alternative arrangements.)
The bride's people incurring unnecessary expenses by holding a feast which has no basis in Shariáh. We should remember that Walimah is the feast arranged by the bridegroom after the marriage is consummated.
It is contrary to Sunnah (and the practice of some non-Muslim tribes in India) to wish, hope for or demand presents and gifts for the bridegroom, from the bride's people. We should always remember that our Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) did not give Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) anything except Duá. (Note: Unfortunately, the fathers of millions of daughters across the world, especially South Asia, incur debts and become poor and miserable because 'culture' pressurises them to give dowry to their future son-in-laws. Some girls are forced to remain single for years because they cannot afford the dowry - some commit suicide, as do their deperate fathers. In parts of South Asia, dowry-murders, among Hindu families, are commonplace whereby - a new bride is tortured or murdered by her in laws because her family did not give a large enough dowry. This is completely UnIslamic - the dowry or Mahr is to come from the groom to the bride, not the other way around.)
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[This message has been edited by Ibrahim (edited June 29, 2002).]