Finding a spouse/rishta

[Mr_Fraudia]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

@sooraj-mukhi

So what happens to people like us? The girls who are educated, from a decent middle class family, know respect and culture, carry our selves nicely but are not * text book desi beauty* … some of us are approaching the dangerous age zone of 25 plus and while i did not make that time line critical it seems that most larkay walay are looking for girls under that age.
So what options do we have? How do we not become a source of tension for our parents? Do we keep parading ourselves in rishta showings or have our pictures sent all over the world for prospect matches? Do we take the risk of opening our heart to a fellow class mate or colleague in the hopes that he would approach the topic of marriage to us?
Suggestions friends- both from girls and guys please.

dont be so passive in something that is going to be such a great part of your life.

its easier said than done, I know..but if your parents, family friends or relatives can not find good matches for you than you have to do it yourself. This does not need to be obvious and does not need to be in ways that raises eyebrows, although i dont think people should worry about a number of the raised eyebrows anyways.

get active in something, social organizations, charity groups, social service groups, special interest groups, get a chance to meet people..no need to “open up” to some male colleague or class fellow in hopes of getting a rishta. Allow people the chance to meet you and talk to you and if they are interested in who you are, things will progress themsleves.

I dont know if i have posted this on GS before, but such conditions cause great stress to guys and their families as well. I unfortunately have cousins who are not getting married. Alhumdulillah one has now found a good rishta, but one is still looking and she is in her 30s now. I feel bad for her, i feel bad for the position that she is in teh circumstances that put her there…

A family that did not socialize much, a family that did not encourage girls to develop self confidence and to have a life outside school and home.

I also think there were issues on the side of the cousins, while they were not textbook beautiful, that is what they wanted in a spouse, while their own education was from also-ran schools in also-ran fields, they wanted highly educated top-tier school grads in top-tier fields. while they did not bother to dress properly or take interest in their apperance, the guy needed to be a hero, while they would not meet anyone on their own, every rishta that came they sulked at so obviously that peopel who were bringing rishtas stopped.

and then the expectations… just because I was a single guy in the family, why is it expected that I would marry them..do I not have my own choices, my pwn pwerspectives, why do I get called crap if I chose to not entertain discussiosn about a future with them. We had nothign in common, no common interests, never had any discussions.

My parents get assaulted with pressure and comments that they can not control their sons…

girls think it is all great for guys, but have no idea the amount of pressure and emotional blackmail and all faced by those of us who happen to have cousins who are not getting married.

sadly..the late mother of the same girls was very outspoken about the right of her sons to marry who they want and did not go for other girls in the family, but when it came to her own daughters, she took the complaint to deathbed that my mother did not pressure us enough to marry my khalas daughters.

[skhan]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

^ excellent post

Guys don't have it any easier. Like Fraudia said, parents usually like to go for the safe and easy option of cousins. Any resistance on that front or even a slight mention of a girl that a guy prefers and suddenly "ammi ki tabyat kharab ho gaye" or "abba jan starts having chest pains" and there is plenty of hai hai to go around.

It's a common complaint from girls that guys go for "textbook looks". Well, given the circumstances behind chai parades, what else can the guy do? It's not as if potential couples get chance for an intimate meeting where the personalities of the parties involved get to surface. The only thing a person can be sure of in such a situation, is looks. Everything else is shoved under the carpet and left to kismat.

[Furqan]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

www.shaadi.com

[Sadaf]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

U know what i was going to open a thread on this issue myself. Well, i am married but my older sister is still single. I feel bad for her and also guilty of myself to get married before her. But we have no other option. When this rishta came for me, my 2nd cousin. It was too good to let go and my sister was still not married. My father didnt want this to happen, he mentioned it to my mother in law ke i have other daughter as well. But she had her own reasons to send a rishta for me. Anyway, my father asked my other sisters what to do and they said to go ahead with it. Actually my mother passed away when we were young and we didnt have much communication with our father, esp. on this topic. ANyway, i was married off and my father said that he'd marry my older sister next year. But its been almost 4 years now. We have searched and searched for good rishtas but no use. I have talked to everyone i know, in my susral, to my husband's friends and everyone i could talk to, to keep her in mind. Even registered in match making aunty office. But still no use. Either the guys are after money, or they want extremely beautiful larki...

We are really getting desperate now. Well my sister is working and she doesnt feel bad about me getting married first but when she hears comments like "tumhari kion pehlay nahin hooi" or "zaroor koi masla ho ga jo tum reh gaie" many more like these. It really hurts. The desi people tend to think they are right in breaking someones heart. Its really not just. And they say it on her face.

I dont know what to do, I have her 24 hr on my mind. But i feel helpless.

[RoCKiSTaN]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

more women than men..... sign of hell

[pakjangjoo]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

most guys go for beautiful larki because they want good genes in their children.

[50-B]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

^^^ please..just deal with reality. guys like girls that are pretty. every guy want's his wife to be a trophy once in a while to inflate their egos, it makes them feel good about themself. If you want a queen you have to be a king yourself. Too many guys dont look at whats important and always want a model. What makes someone beautiful is how they carry themselves, how they treat you, others around them, etc..

[sooraj-mukhi]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

@Furqan

www.shaadi.com

Have you ever been on this site? Its humiliating the type of people who contact you and that too is based on your picture. Two of my cousins were listed there, one is 25, the other is 28 and they are both highly educated and their passions and talents for life are were also wrtitten there. Majority of the people who contacted the profiles there were well over 35 years of age, second time arounders, lesser educated, looking for a job, looking for some one to take care of the mother in law, looking for a greencard… it was not amusing after a while.

[parissenoor]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

@shweetdreamz

why not?
i think u need to make a trip to pakistan…esp karachi lolz…your pathan looks will have karachi guys drooling…

I’m not that kind of girl…and I don’t wanna live in karachi…
and look at this:

@sooraj-mukhi

Have you ever been on this site? Its humiliating the type of people who contact you and that too is based on your picture. Two of my cousins were listed there, one is 25, the other is 28 and they are both highly educated and their passions and talents for life are were also wrtitten there. Majority of the people who contacted the profiles there were well over 35 years of age, second time arounders, lesser educated, looking for a job, looking for some one to take care of the mother in law, looking for a greencard… it was not amusing after a while.

now don’t ask again why i have no hopes:D

[sooraj-mukhi]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

Please keep your views coming, we still have to find a starting point for all those who are affected!

[yourfriend]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

it is equally hard for Both Genders to look for the suitable match just because Our expectations are too high.
thing is how much we are willing to compromise ?? ..

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

Mixed gatherings and parties and network through them. Don't do it with the intention of looking for someone. Just do it to make contacts and new friends and associates. People out there know who is single and who is not. If you sit behind a computer all day, no one outside will really know you exist or remember you long enough to think of you as a potential mate.

Plus, if in the end you don't find anyone, no big deal. You made a bunch of friends and contacts. Especially if you throw parties for people in our area of study/line of work. Then you wont make anyone of the opposite sex feel awkward that they're being hunted, because they might want to come out just because they figure its good for their professional/social life.

:)

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

Oh and if you really want to go the long haul, then set up a Pakistani association of sorts. I know they already have them at many universities. But you can also set up one in the community. Or a muslim organization (or whatever other religion you are). In that way you do a service for your country/religion, get to meet desis in areas abroad where they are widespread, make new friends, and oh hell, look at some good ol' eyecandy (cough, i mean look for potential spouses).

[lollypop_man]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

^ sounds like a lot of work for a spouse. setting up a organization i.e. do u act on stuff u write or is this just verbal diahrrea for mass consumption. anyway all this advice obviously hasnt worked for u chanda. what do u say? :)

[sooraj-mukhi]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

Associations... okay so we join one or create one and try to arrange some events. That is a possiblity outsite Pakistan. What about those girls who are in Pakistan, just got done with college/uni... once again remember we are dealing with parents and families not flexible with the concept of mixing with the opposite sex, party/organization or not. So are we saying, take a stand against them or keep it a secret?

[Rukhsarbibi]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

If in Pakistan SM then going to a wedding should be sufficient. My cousins just moved there and they are already getting rishtas. These girls are not "text book desi gorgeous babes" - in fact they are hijabis. So it sounds like to me that your cousins need to expand their social circle a bit :)

[shweetdreamz]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

naseeb organizes networking events for professional muslims....they hold cruises and dinners where professional muslims get to sit together and interact....dunno more info.

[sooraj-mukhi]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

@shweetdreamz

naseeb organizes networking events for professional muslims…they hold cruises and dinners where professional muslims get to sit together and interact…dunno more info.

I met the owner Monis Rehman in Lahore last year. Naseeb is a nice concept no doubt. RB glad to know your cousins are getting rishtas at weddings. Are they pakistani citizens?

[fghd]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

@sooraj-mukhi

So what happens to people like us? The girls who are educated, from a decent middle class family, know respect and culture, carry our selves nicely but are not * text book desi beauty* … some of us are approaching the dangerous age zone of 25 plus and while i did not make that time line critical it seems that most larkay walay are looking for girls under that age.
So what options do we have? How do we not become a source of tension for our parents? Do we keep parading ourselves in rishta showings or have our pictures sent all over the world for prospect matches? Do we take the risk of opening our heart to a fellow class mate or colleague in the hopes that he would approach the topic of marriage to us?
Suggestions friends- both from girls and guys please.

Leave it upto Allah (s.w.t). He indeed knows the best time and weather for when and how we r to get married.

[fghd]

Re: Finding a spouse/rishta

@Lahore 981

I am only replying to this part of your post.
First, I want to tell you clearly, people who treasure education, Character and your inner self will not reject any girl if she is not a “Text book desi beauty”. Yeah, if you do come across people who are like that then I would say, they don’t deserve you. The ducated girls are not inot beauty etc, that is what is least important for them. What the educated girls think of is totally different. The have totally different outlook to life, their priorities are totally different they deal with life in a different way. This is what their treasure is, not if they are beautiful or not.
But is the educated middle class larkis come across people who are not educated and have different priorities in life, obviously, those people will find faults in them. But I want to assure you, it is not that you lack something. It is simply a matter of non-recognition. Those people who do not consider you other than your external beauty, are really not looking at your qualities.
Second, I again assure you there are people out there who are looking for you. There are people aout there who value your character and education more than your looks. Similar to you, they are also few in number. There are boys out there who value such girls. The matter is finding them somehow.
Third, this age thing is a total crap. It is just a curse in our society. I have seen men of 38 getting married to girls of 22 years. It is you who have to save yourselves from this humiliation. You have to stand up fro your rights. I have spoken to many people about this issue. Those who have thought about it, call it a total crap. Those who are just following it as a societal norm have no explaination for that. There is not danger zone of age 25 for girls. It is just a curse of our society that we are follwoing.
No, our parents are in fact the culprits of delaying the marriages for certain reasons. And they are stupid reasons. They should be worrying about their faults not that the age of the girl is getting more and more.

Unfortunaltely what you have described is a sad reality of our society, an excellent example of “Jahalat”. I am not at all shy of admitting that our last generation and the one that migrated from India should be totally exterminated for the sick traditions they adopted and brought to Pakistan…

With that statement of yours, from my perspective I agree.